LADIES: Who pays on our 1st date???

[RN4L_1969]

3 hours ago, SherrySher said:

I am all for equal paying on dates. It would be nice if she offered(good manners to at least offer), but I personally think whoever asked out whom, they are the ones who should pay.

If she asks you out next time, she should be the one to pay.

Although there are no set rules. If you're on a date and you both decide to go Dutch, that's cool too.

I agree with other people who said that the first meet up should be something small, like coffee.

You want to get to know this person, see if they are worthwhile to go on a more in depth date.

Dinner and drinks sounds more like a 2-3 date.

Good points. Honestly though...at my/her age...we don't have time to waste LOL. Maybe in our 20s, we could take our time, but now in my 50s with some life experience and knowing pretty much what I want, I don't want to drag stuff out. I feel like in a way, I already have since we've been talking for a month now and haven't met up until now. So yes, this first date will be either red light/green light, (Squid reference)...to see what happens LOL

And like I mentioned earlier...we live about an hour apart so I wanted to get as much time with her as possible; and even if there's no vibe...hey, it's a night out with a good meal and a new experience 🙂

[Batya33]

49 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Thanks for the input. I love fine dining, (everyone has their own likes), so I'm willing to take the risk if the date goes awry; hopefully not, but if so, I would have enjoyed a new experience...either way.

I'm not rolling in the dough...but I do plan accordingly to have discretionary money for dates...and I feel I've already impressed her with just getting to the date! So this is icing on the cake; and for sure...I am definitely an old school gentleman 🙂

I was asked to dinner by a few men who said they really wanted to try the restaurant and were therefore happy to treat.

[Batya33]

31 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Good point...and just so far from the feel I don't think she would do that, but again, you never know! I have been taken advantage of in the past for sure...it's not a fun feeling. I'm a good guy with a good heart and I like to be treat others well. So I've learned, but sometimes I still take the risk! Hopefully this will work out!

Hopefully I'll get an idea on the "drinks" at HH before we head to dinner 🙂

I'd save good heart for a person you are dating -not a first meet or perhaps treat a person who is food insecure/homeless -donate that $ to a food bank!

[RN4L_1969]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

I'd save good heart for a person you are dating -not a first meet or perhaps treat a person who is food insecure/homeless -donate that $ to a food bank!

And what makes you think I don't already?

[boltnrun]

Having a "good heart" doesn't mean you're required to allow people to take advantage of you. But like you said, you should be able to get at least a basic feel for this woman's mindset at dinner.

Different situation, but my former SIL used to order the prime rib and lobster whenever her brother took us all out to dinner. Her rationalization was "he makes a lot of money so he can afford it!" THAT is taking advantage. The rest of us ordered much less expensive items. 

[RN4L_1969]

52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Having a "good heart" doesn't mean you're required to allow people to take advantage of you. But like you said, you should be able to get at least a basic feel for this woman's mindset at dinner.

Different situation, but my former SIL used to order the prime rib and lobster whenever her brother took us all out to dinner. Her rationalization was "he makes a lot of money so he can afford it!" THAT is taking advantage. The rest of us ordered much less expensive items. 

Completely agree!!! And that has happened to me and with the audacity of the same excuse! My response is...if you want to make my money...then you can pay my bills/expenses that go with it! Again, it's not like I make a lot, but for people to assume that is very irritating.

[mylolita]

2 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Thanks for this! Yes agree, and great idea about discretely paying without even having to talk about it...I think I'll use that!

And true...this being the first date I wanted it to be a nice memory. If all goes well, yes, parks, museums, etc...are all in the cards since the idea is spending time with her 🙂

I'm getting nervous since the date is tomorrow!! LOL - I guess we still get nervous at 54 🙂

 

It’s nice RN! Nerves are good!!! 
 

Have a great time - enjoy! 
 

x

[catfeeder]

While I believe whoever invites is offering to 'treat' the other, I also don't believe in going on full dates with strangers--just quick meets over coffee or a drink to avoid an expensive mistake with anyone you could have known in 5 minutes would not be a great match.

I realize you've already set up the date, so I hope you'll also end up enjoying. Put the suggestion above into your pocket for future dating, as 'quick meets' to check one another out before scheduling a full date has become common practice these days.

Another thing to reconsider, a date in two locations should not require a woman to get in a car with you. You're a complete stranger, and it's not a safe practice for women to do that. In fact, I would never leave a first location with a complete stranger. I'd want the opportunity to meet him for a quick coffee and then process what I've learned about him, privately. We'd agree before meeting that neither will ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either of us can message to invite the other for a real date afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejections off the table, because most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds.

EnjOy! I hope it goes well for you.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Thanks for the input. I love fine dining, so I'm willing to take the risk if the date goes awry; hopefully not, but if so, I would have enjoyed a new experience...either way.

Since everything is already planned, this is a good mindset. Just enjoy yourself and see how it goes. Is the restaurant near you or her? An hour distance is not difficult, but why did it take so long to set up a meeting? 

[RN4L_1969]

1 hour ago, catfeeder said:

While I believe whoever invites is offering to 'treat' the other, I also don't believe in going on full dates with strangers--just quick meets over coffee or a drink to avoid an expensive mistake with anyone you could have known in 5 minutes would not be a great match.

I realize you've already set up the date, so I hope you'll also end up enjoying. Put the suggestion above into your pocket for future dating, as 'quick meets' to check one another out before scheduling a full date has become common practice these days.

Another thing to reconsider, a date in two locations should not require a woman to get in a car with you. You're a complete stranger, and it's not a safe practice for women to do that. In fact, I would never leave a first location with a complete stranger. I'd want the opportunity to meet him for a quick coffee and then process what I've learned about him, privately. We'd agree before meeting that neither will ask the other for a real date on the spot, but either of us can message to invite the other for a real date afterward. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary. This takes squirmy rejections off the table, because most people are NOT our match. That's not cynical, it's natural odds.

EnjOy! I hope it goes well for you.

I appreciate the feedback but this is overthinking it. I've been around a bit and I'm all about safety, for me, and for her...always. I've raised 2 daughters and so I would want the same behavior with how I've set the example.

Anyway...

1) She's well aware of the date and she seems very excited, (I even told her I suggested a booth by the fireplace at the HH and she was thrilled - especially since it's snowing here)

2) I planned the 2 locations within walking distance...so we will meet for HH at one place and then walk to dinner afterwards...then leave separately. All safe.. All in public. No worries 🙂

3) If we vibe, then cool, we move forward "dating"; if not, all well, it's still a unique experience, and better than sitting home on another Sat night.....

[RN4L_1969]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Since everything is already planned, this is a good mindset. Just enjoy yourself and see how it goes. Is the restaurant near you or her? An hour distance is not difficult, but why did it take so long to set up a meeting? 

We barely started talking right before Christmas. We were both super busy as you can imagine. Then to add on to the timing...I was out of town for a week shortly after visiting my Son and his family. So now that I'm back we were able to plan it. I could sense she was a little anxious to meet, (in a good way)...since investing time already is valuable and you want to know if this is all worth it or not LOL

[Batya33]

3 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

And what makes you think I don't already?

Nothing at all. I agree with Bolt. Why assume I meant that. I meant you connected having a good heart to paying for a nice dinner for a woman on a first meet. I suggested like Bolt there were better alternatives.  More in keeping with having a good heart and avoiding being taken advantage of. I was taken advantage of a couple of times and didn’t like it one bit. 
also I totally agree about never involving private homes or cars - you two are strangers for all safety purposes. I broke that rule once or twice. One of the times it was a very unsafe and uncomfortable situation 

[waffle]

8 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

I'm old school, so I do like when the guy pays for the 1st meeting/date.  As a woman, I do always offer, but I sincerely appreciate and respect when he tells me he's "got it".  

Once a relationship is starting, then definitely, switching back & forth.  I'll go up to the bar and get us a round of drinks, or put down some cash for a tip.  Or make dinner, buy tickets for a game, etc.  

But for your first time, offer to pay, and if she offers, tell her you've got this one.

This approach has always worked for me.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

 If we vibe, then cool, we move forward "dating"; if not, all well, it's still a unique experience, and better than sitting home on another Sat night.....

This is an excellent mindset. If there is chemistry,  great, if not you still had a nice night out. 

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I've been around a bit and I'm all about safety, for me, and for her...always. I've raised 2 daughters and so I would want the same behavior with how I've set the example.

From everything you've said, you've got this. You've planned it out, understand the importantance of safety and being a gentleman, and have the woman excitied. You've got a positive outlook, but are open to whatever happens. This isn't your first rodeo, so just trust in yourself, relax, and have fun. 

8 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Having a "good heart" doesn't mean you're required to allow people to take advantage of you.

I think "good heart" means you give people a chance and not assume they will take advantage of you. So I'll treat someone the first time. If they order the most expensive thing on the menu and clearly don't care about it, then they lose future offers for me to pay. Or I intentionally pick a cheaper place. You get the first one free, but push to hard and you lose.

[lostandhurt]

You asked her out so you pay.  Plan on paying for the whole evening and if she offers to help out or pay half and the date is going well then you say "You could pay on our second date?"  or something along those lines.  Of course if they insist the offer of getting the tip is a good plan.

  Treat the wait staff with respect and be friendly to them and she will notice. 

 

Have fun

Lost

[RN4L_1969]

It's getting there>>>I will have a full report tomorrow! LOL 😁

[reinventmyself]

She suggested meeting twice, yet you picked the places.  Had she chosen it might have been something simple and affordable.  By the sounds of it you chose the places carefully so as to impress.  What if that wasn't in her budget. . or vice versa?

I think you are going to have to wing it on this one.  I am of the mind, if I choose or it's my idea, I pay.  You two have seemed to split the difference here.

She may offer, she may not.  You will have to experience this with her to gage what her take is on it.

From my experience, some get upset if you offer, some get upset if you don't.  So, I get why you are here asking.  I suppose you can have this conversation with her to find out where she stands.

[rainbowsandroses]

18 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

You asked her out so you pay.  Plan on paying for the whole evening and if she offers to help out or pay half and the date is going well then you say "You could pay on our second date?"  or something along those lines.

I agree with this^^.  The man I'm currently dating paid for our first few dates and when I offered to chip in he said "I'll let you get it next time" with a wink, it was a cute moment. 😀

JMO, but "friends" go dutch.

To me I don't feel like I'm being 'courted' (I know it's old-fashioned which I am in some ways), when he expects me to pay my own way. 

I show my interest and appreciation in other ways that HE likes and makes him feel special.  Me paying isn't one of them. 😉

I don't buy the notion 'whoever asks, pays' cause let's be honest, men are the ones doing the asking in the majority of cases, even in today's dating culture.

 

 

[smackie9]

As for a first date, I'm old school the man pays. After that it goes how you want it to go with some communication. Some men insist on paying all the time, some split the bill, some alternate. Whatever way one is comfortable with. Me me and my husband alternate except for special occasions. He pays.

[Wiseman2]

Check splitting seems like something little old ladies who do lunch seem to engage in. There are restaurants where the menu that is handed to the woman has no prices. But times are different now. Personally I think it's tacky to make all the arrangements then expect someone else to pay for that. 

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Personally I think it's tacky to make all the arrangements then expect someone else to pay for that. 

I picked a happy hour place once that was easy on the wallet. I was going to pay but he offered in the end and picked up the tab and asked if I wanted to go to another place (his treat).

 

[ShySoul]

5 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

To me I don't feel like I'm being 'courted' (I know it's old-fashioned which I am in some ways), when he expects me to pay my own way. 

I show my interest and appreciation in other ways that HE likes and makes him feel special.  Me paying isn't one of them.

You let him win at boardgames? 😉 That's a lucky guy.

I agree, it's not really courting if you're not treating her and making her feel like a queen. 

[RN4L_1969]

So the results are in...., but I do have some additional questions for the LADIES!

SO......the date went very well. And I'm just gonna bullet point below some details to avoid several long paragraphs of unwanted context lol

And just to be clear...my intent was to pay for the entire date , as I ALWAYS do...my post here was asking how much the culture has changed since it's been a while since I've been on a date. But 99.9% of the time...I typically choose the place and I pay, (I always make sure it's a place they like or if they want to chose the location...either way, I always pay as a gentleman...it's how I was raised)...

• We met at HH, and it started off great. We jumped right into conversation. She had 1 drink that she nursed for 2 hours and I had a ginger-ale.
• As it was getting towards the time for our dinner reservation, she asked, "so do you want to still do dinner? I'm enjoying myself so far, what do you think?" I said "absolutely and I'm enjoying myself as well". The bill came...I paid. No questions. She thanked me. 
• We drove separately to dinner, (a few minutes away). We actually got to the parking garage at the same time and so we then walked over to the restaurant to check-in.
• OK, she did say, "this is a fancy restaurant are you sure I'm not some psycho?" *insert nervous laugh* LOL. She had been there before but I thought it was funny she made that comment. 
• Dinner was great! We carried over our conversation for another 3 hours. I think we touched on all topics! I noticed she was very respectful and conscientious of the menu and what she was ordering. She even asked me to make the choices for appetizers and such. We both had water, (that alone saved my bill LOL). But we laughed and overall had a very nice date......(at least how I felt)...
• The bill came and I placed it over to my side furthest away. So no need to talk or discuss, BUT, as I was paying she did offer to pay for the tip, I said, "no worries I got it  :)" 

>>>OK LADIES - NEED ADVICE HERE:<<<

• We walked out together to our cars. We "hugged" and she mentioned about talking soon. I'm glad it worked out that way. I didn't want our 1st kiss to be in a parking garage, and have it be hurried, (plus she was carrying her purse and doggie bag from the restaurant)…So, ok...
• Then of course I'm contemplating if I should be the one to text post-date or what. She answered that for me and there was a text from her waiting for me when I got home that said:
  • "Thank you for a wonderful dinner and time getting to know each other," (with a smiling emoji)
  • So I wrote back and said, "My pleasure" I had a wonderful time as well," (smiling emoji).

 

Soooooooo.....2nd Date......???????

What do I do now or next??????? HELP...haha

 

[Batya33]

Yes ask her out on a date you plan in advance.  Sounds like a great first meet!