LADIES: Who pays on our 1st date???

[Starlight925]

I actually love that you're like this, wanting to focus on one woman at a time.  Just know that most out there are "hedging their bets", so they all figure that everyone is doing so.  

The sites, in fact, bet on this, knowing that when people hedge their bets, they are more likely to remain single, thus keeping their membership renewing.  This is also why the sites constantly throw new matches, new likes, new messages at you, to keep you swiping.

Getting off the swiping/liking/messaging merry-go-round is bad for business.

You obviously like her, and she's accepted your date, so she obviously likes you!  Heck, you know how I knew she liked you before all this?  She hung out with you for quite a while, and then went to a second location, and she talked to you for....3 hours?  All while being respectful to not over-order, over-drink, etc.  If she didn't like you, she'd have made her excuse as soon as she sat down at the first place.

Go forth and enjoy your date!  And we want reports!  😄

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

knowing that when people hedge their bets, they are more likely to remain single, thus keeping their membership renewing.  This is also why the sites constantly throw new matches, new likes, new messages at you, to keep you swiping.

I would not be married now if I had focused on a man I just met and had met once or twice and declined to meet my future husband.  That man was really nice and a potentially good match.  I learned after about 4 dates or so he was not.  

[ShySoul]

4 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

But a previous post mentioned basically "to each their own", and I should focus on what I want to do and have now.

Also...to be clear. Of course I submitted messages to different women that I was interested in...BUT, the minute one of them and I started to connect and it was good; meaning, we went from email to text to calls...then that's when I focus on that person. Yes...I'm putting my eggs? in one basket lol, (I don't have eggs, but you know), and that's a risk I'm taking, but I'm not in a rush either.

If that's your style, go with it.  As long as it works for you, what anyone else does doesn't matter. Personally, I don't see how you get anywhere having eggs all over the place. Eventually the only way to get the omelette is to but all your eggs in one place. So if you feel like doing it sooner than later, nothing wrong with that.

And yes, try to stop overthinking. If everything is going great, a missing emoji won't derail things. 

[Batya33]

Yes. No one is required to date and limiting your dating pool to women who will stop looking to date once they meet you in person is perfectly fine. I also had standards that limited my dating pool.  I always assumed the men I dated were looking to date others or dating or meeting others until we discussed being exclusive. 

[ShySoul]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

The sites, in fact, bet on this, knowing that when people hedge their bets, they are more likely to remain single, thus keeping their membership renewing.  This is also why the sites constantly throw new matches, new likes, new messages at you, to keep you swiping.

Getting off the swiping/liking/messaging merry-go-round is bad for business.

Something I think a lot of people forget. Dating sites are, above all else, businesses out to make profit. If you actually do find someone, they can't make money off of you anymore. So it's best for them to keep you looking and thinking maybe there is someone better. 

Not that you can't find someone, just that you have to really know what you want and be able to avoid all the distractions.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

Something I think a lot of people forget. Dating sites are, above all else, businesses out to make profit. If you actually do find someone, they can't make money off of you anymore. So it's best for them to keep you looking and thinking maybe there is someone better. 

Not that you can't find someone, just that you have to really know what you want and be able to avoid all the distractions.

I never had that issue because I used the site only as a way to make first contact. And met men a variety of other ways. I didn’t have a candy store mentality. I had a marriage minded mentality. I loved the alternative of dating sites because I could limit my searches to marriage minded men who wanted a family and checked off the other musts on my list. Some lied. But I was good at screening. I wasn’t tempted by the volume of men. I was very selective and for much of my dating years lived in a city teeming with singles in my age group. I lived there mostly for that reason. 

[ShySoul]

Not that you need any help planning something, but I'd use all those hours of talking to your advantage. Find something she said and plan off of that. Shows you paid attention to her and helps make sure she has a good time. You can handle it from there.

[ShySoul]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I never had that issue because I used the site only as a way to make first contact. And met men a variety of other ways. I didn’t have a candy store mentality. I had a marriage minded mentality. I loved the alternative of dating sites because I could limit my searches to marriage minded men who wanted a family and checked off the other musts on my list. Some lied. But I was good at screening.

You knew what you wanted and kept to your goals. Great. Even then you found people lying. You're strategy worked for you. Unfortunately, a lot of people aren't that lucky. Some aren't mature enough to think like that. Some people are easily manipulated or let their emotions get the best of them. Some just have bad luck and meet the wrong people. Everyone's experience is different. I just think it's best for anyone going into the minefield of dating sites, or dating in general, to be fully aware of all the landmines in place. I've read plenty of people fustrated by all the different issues the sites present. If you realize that they are corporations with an incentive to make money, it can help to explain a lot of the things other people experience. And it can help people to develop a plan that focuses on maximizing the experience so that it hopefully works as well as it did for you.

Any method has benefits and risks. Whatever you pick, think it through and do your homework. Of course, I'm a planner, so I'm probably a little biased. 😉

[Batya33]

26 minutes ago, ShySoul said:

You knew what you wanted and kept to your goals. Great. Even then you found people lying. You're strategy worked for you. Unfortunately, a lot of people aren't that lucky. Some aren't mature enough to think like that. Some people are easily manipulated or let their emotions get the best of them. Some just have bad luck and meet the wrong people. Everyone's experience is different. I just think it's best for anyone going into the minefield of dating sites, or dating in general, to be fully aware of all the landmines in place. I've read plenty of people fustrated by all the different issues the sites present. If you realize that they are corporations with an incentive to make money, it can help to explain a lot of the things other people experience. And it can help people to develop a plan that focuses on maximizing the experience so that it hopefully works as well as it did for you.

Any method has benefits and risks. Whatever you pick, think it through and do your homework. Of course, I'm a planner, so I'm probably a little biased. 😉

Yes and I was only responding to how I used dating sites in connection with my decision never to put all my eggs in one basket too early on as I wanted marriage and family and eventually had a ticking clock on top of that.  The rest of what you said is off topic to what I was writing about and I have no opinion one way or another. 

I was partly lucky to find my husband.  Part of it was my efforts, my sweat, blood, tears, front line stuff, growing a thick skin, becoming the right person to find the right person.  No guarantees ever.  

All approaches have benefits and risks. Some approaches have far more risks than others and the reverse is true -that's basic common sense stuff.

People who are easily manipulated and let their emotions get the best of them most of the time likely are not at that time suitable for a long term healthy romantic relationship, with rare exception. I had experiences with people who were manipulative and I experienced letting my emotions get the best of me. Like almost all humans I'd suspect especially humans who date. I met many wrong people.  Kissed a lot of frogs.  I met right people at the wrong time. Of course out of the hundreds of men I went on dates with I encountered some liars.  I mean I'd suspect most people have? 

What worked for me was having clarity about what I wanted from dating.  Marriage and family.  And sometimes I questioned since I sometimes got in my own way if I really wanted that in a healthful way. I had to resolve those questions for myself to move forward.  

I fully respect the OP's choice only to date women who stop looking for other men or dating other men after meeting him.  Or even before  meeting him -whatever makes him comfortable and he seems very aware that this could limit his dating pool.  Many people have musts -I had musts. Musts that limited my dating pool.  I'm really glad I had  those musts in hindsight.  Marriage can be hard and it helps in any relationship that is long term to have the basic musts there and the basic values in common.  

[RN4L_1969]

Quick Update:

First...I want to say thank you to all that have contributed and posted in helping and advising me through this. It's much appreciated and so let's hope it all works out! I think the second date coming up is kind of the "telling" date maybe...?

LADIES...what do you think? What number date before you were either Yea or Nay on the guy? And why...?

But for now...all good. Some light texting back and forth and I'm working on planning our date for Sat....

[boltnrun]

I can't specifically answer that because I've never dated, but usually when I met a guy I would have "that feeling" in about two months. I knew my husband for about 3-ish months and we'd spent a lot of time together for about two months before it turned romantic. 

[Andrina]

10 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

What number date before you were either Yea or Nay on the guy? And why...?

Hard to tell you not to worry, because when you really enjoyed the first date and all the communication happening before and since, I know how hopeful you are.  I've been there.

There is no magical number any given woman decides a guy's a keeper. Some women who have poor self-worth even stick around when red flags are whipping them in the face. I did that myself in the past. When I did practice self-love, I dumped anyone with egregious, toxic behavior. I usually knew within minutes if I had chemistry with a guy, and after that, as long as I continued to enjoy our time together, everything was great.

My advice is to not project to the future. At this beginning stage, just be in the present and plan on enjoying the moment, sharing your stories and interests with her, letting her know the real you. And taking interest in her life--what she's about and her unique experiences. If being a nice guy and treating her like the special person she is doesn't wind up with forever with her, then it means your fate lies elsewhere. You only have control over your own behavior and efforts. Try to gain comfort that whatever happens after that will be the best outcome for you, whether you know it or not. I was upset when certain past relationships didn't work out how I'd wished, but now that I'm with my husband, I now can appreciate him all that much more due to those inopportune experiences.

[Capricorn3]

^ I think Andrina nailed it.  Great post. 👍

[RN4L_1969]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Hard to tell you not to worry, because when you really enjoyed the first date and all the communication happening before and since, I know how hopeful you are.  I've been there.

There is no magical number any given woman decides a guy's a keeper. Some women who have poor self-worth even stick around when red flags are whipping them in the face. I did that myself in the past. When I did practice self-love, I dumped anyone with egregious, toxic behavior. I usually knew within minutes if I had chemistry with a guy, and after that, as long as I continued to enjoy our time together, everything was great.

My advice is to not project to the future. At this beginning stage, just be in the present and plan on enjoying the moment, sharing your stories and interests with her, letting her know the real you. And taking interest in her life--what she's about and her unique experiences. If being a nice guy and treating her like the special person she is doesn't wind up with forever with her, then it means your fate lies elsewhere. You only have control over your own behavior and efforts. Try to gain comfort that whatever happens after that will be the best outcome for you, whether you know it or not. I was upset when certain past relationships didn't work out how I'd wished, but now that I'm with my husband, I now can appreciate him all that much more due to those inopportune experiences.

Very well said and thank you 😌

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Quick Update:

First...I want to say thank you to all that have contributed and posted in helping and advising me through this. It's much appreciated and so let's hope it all works out! I think the second date coming up is kind of the "telling" date maybe...?

LADIES...what do you think? What number date before you were either Yea or Nay on the guy? And why...?

But for now...all good. Some light texting back and forth and I'm working on planning our date for Sat....

You mean ready to be exclusive? Typically after 6-8 weeks where we saw each other at least once a week.  Why? chemistry, stuff in common, potential for a long term relationship -aligned goals etc

[RN4L_1969]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You mean ready to be exclusive? Typically after 6-8 weeks where we saw each other at least once a week.  Why? chemistry, stuff in common, potential for a long term relationship -aligned goals etc

That's actually on point from my experience. My x-gf from 2022...we dated for about 6 weeks before I officially asked her to be my bf...

6 months later.....it was over 😞..., (but that's a whole different story/thread)

[jul-els]

You say your interest level is high and you want to impress, so be a gentleman and pick up the tab. It’s not complicated. Don’t overthink it. 

[RN4L_1969]

LADIES - Need some feeling HELP?

Why am I not "feeling" it...? Is this normal, cold feet or just trying to see what happens??

We text maybe 2-3x a day...mostly after work. IDK...I'm not feeling that excitement, that rush when I see her text, (maybe a little), the I can't stop thinking about her throughout the day. I mean you know, we had an amazing 1st date. Did the newness already wear off? Why is this?

I hate to compare...but with my x gf from '22...when we first met online...we literally were on the phone every night for the 1st 3 weeks. And I don't mean hi/bye...I mean literally hours at a time, every night! There were nights where we both fell asleep with the phone still connected to each other, I would hear her snoring 🙂! lol It was actually romantic...

Needless to say we dated for 8 months total...but the 1st 6 months were pure bliss. A season of my life I'll never forget...it was beautiful, fun, romantic...we traveled, we did sooo much and we had a blast! Even now I do still miss her. I don't love her anymore...but at times I do miss her. She was only 1 of 3 women I really gave my heart to in my entire life...

This is weird...what do I do...? 😔

[Starlight925]

Have you called this new girl on the phone?

You felt a huge connection to your ex, in your words, on long phone calls.

A little text here or there is nothing, it's just black gobbledy-gooke on a white screen.  It's nothing.

Phone calls are magical.  To hear someone's voice, their intonation, their laugh, their jumping in to add to conversation....it's true communication.

For me, texting is nonsense.  Texting should be reserved for logistics:  I'll pick you up at 6.  With the rain, I'll be delayed 30 minutes.  Wait at the corner of X and Y for me.

I had a long distance relationship where our phone calls ran into the hours.  We once spoke for 8 hours straight.  This was before texting was a thing, thankfully.

Texting is Not communication.  

Try calling her.

[Batya33]

21 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

LADIES - Need some feeling HELP?

Why am I not "feeling" it...? Is this normal, cold feet or just trying to see what happens??

We text maybe 2-3x a day...mostly after work. IDK...I'm not feeling that excitement, that rush when I see her text, (maybe a little), the I can't stop thinking about her throughout the day. I mean you know, we had an amazing 1st date. Did the newness already wear off? Why is this?

I hate to compare...but with my x gf from '22...when we first met online...we literally were on the phone every night for the 1st 3 weeks. And I don't mean hi/bye...I mean literally hours at a time, every night! There were nights where we both fell asleep with the phone still connected to each other, I would hear her snoring 🙂! lol It was actually romantic...

Needless to say we dated for 8 months total...but the 1st 6 months were pure bliss. A season of my life I'll never forget...it was beautiful, fun, romantic...we traveled, we did sooo much and we had a blast! Even now I do still miss her. I don't love her anymore...but at times I do miss her. She was only 1 of 3 women I really gave my heart to in my entire life...

This is weird...what do I do...? 😔

Was your ex harder to get at first - in some way -I mean yes talking all night and infatuated but elusive? Are you more in love with love than loving as giving? 

I say- go on the date.  Open minded.  See how you feel BUT -IMHO - without like being all up in your head and monitoring your feelings.  Does  that make sense? 

I mean sure it might be that there was a lot of anticipation a lovely evening and perhaps you're sensing that she's not clicking with you -is she dull? or too eager? have you laughed together? 

I get that the other was like a high then crash and burn although 8 months is not a really short time of course - but why do you need "newness" to feel excited?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Starlight925 said:

Have you called this new girl on the phone?

You felt a huge connection to your ex, in your words, on long phone calls.

A little text here or there is nothing, it's just black gobbledy-*** on a white screen.  It's nothing.

Phone calls are magical.  To hear someone's voice, their intonation, their laugh, they're jumping in to add to conversation....it's true communication.

For me, texting is nonsense.  Texting should be reserved for logistics:  I'll pick you up at 6.  With the rain, I'll be delayed 30 minutes.  Wait at the corner of X and Y for me.

Not communication.  

Try calling her.

Great point.  And I'd call her after the next date which I think is -soon?  I didn't think of that (and should have -I just messed up a text the other day to our friends - totally meant it one way and my husband noticed I mistakenly came off as sarcastic instead of truly appreciative lol so -yeah -texting...... overrated.

[Wiseman2]

Wait until the second in person date, since you're on the fence. This way you can decide whether it's worth pursuing or not. Texting isn't really a great measure of anything and nostalgic comparisons to exes doesn't really give you a sense of who she is after just one date.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I hate to compare...but with my x gf from '22...when we first met online...we literally were on the phone every night for the 1st 3 weeks. And I don't mean hi/bye...I mean literally hours at a time, every night! There were nights where we both fell asleep with the phone still connected to each other, I would hear her snoring 🙂! lol It was actually romantic...

I think when you experience intense feelings/emotions like this^, it's hard to go back to less than that.  I am the same, however I have learned to contain those feelings and keep the pace slow and steady, for just the reason you stated.  Six months on a high, then crash.

Great memories though!

What should you do?  I will probably get beat up for this but let it fade out.  Do not try and force it by continuing to text, calling on the phone or even going on second date. 

My guess is SHE is feeling this "less than" too which is why her text accepting your invite was less than enthusiastic (which I recall you questioned at the time).  Perhaps her low energy is bouncing over to you.  I have experienced that too.

When two people are very attracted, their high energy sort of bounces back and forth between each other.  When their energy (or even one person's energy) is low, that low energy bounces over to the other person, in this case you.

Just my take, if me I would cancel if she doesn't cancel first. You can't force a feeling.

 

 

 

[rainbowsandroses]

@RN4L_1969

Also want to add that in retrospect, you may have been better off not texting at all in between your great first date and next date.  And focused on the high you felt during and after your first.  Reach out on the day prior or day of your next date to confirm plans.

This was posted in another thread but for me, I prefer to focus on the connection we felt and experienced while actually on the date versus risk losing that energy and connection through what amounts to meaningless text exchanges.

With my current guy, on our first date after meeting spontaneously in an elevator that day 😅, he asked me out again before saying goodbye and we did NOT text or talk for four days until the morning of our second date when he texted to confirm.

This allowed me to think about him, wonder about him, and anticipate our second date!!  

We still don't text very often.  He calls me on the phone once in a while in between dates, there is no set schedule to it which I actually like and keeps the tension and energy high.

This doesn't work for everyone, but it's possible through all the texting you were doing, something got lost, or worse died?

JMO of course.  If you do decide to go, have fun and good luck!

 

[RN4L_1969]

3 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

Have you called this new girl on the phone?

You felt a huge connection to your ex, in your words, on long phone calls.

A little text here or there is nothing, it's just black gobbledy-gooke on a white screen.  It's nothing.

Phone calls are magical.  To hear someone's voice, their intonation, their laugh, their jumping in to add to conversation....it's true communication.

For me, texting is nonsense.  Texting should be reserved for logistics:  I'll pick you up at 6.  With the rain, I'll be delayed 30 minutes.  Wait at the corner of X and Y for me.

I had a long distance relationship where our phone calls ran into the hours.  We once spoke for 8 hours straight.  This was before texting was a thing, thankfully.

Texting is Not communication.  

Try calling her.

We've talked on the phone once, and that was before our 1st date. So far it's best a few texts since then. But I agree that there's something about talking on the phone, like I mentioned about my x. But again...with this one I'm ok either way if we don't talk or not and just text...I guess this dynamic is different and I'm not used to it...