LADIES: Who pays on our 1st date???

[RN4L_1969]

Been texting on and off with someone for the last month. We did talk on the phone once and it went well. She suggested she would like to meet up when I come back from out of town. So far so good. Her schedule is busy and I've had to tone down the lengthy texts, lol. But all good.

I'm back from out of town and after a few texts I noticed she was not as responsive...so I asked. She said we're all good, but she would really like to meet up so she would feel more comfortable texting and hopefully moving forward. Totally agree. So I set up our 1st date.

Keep in Mind: She suggested 2x to meet up, (date initiator)

I on the other hand setup the date; happy hour and dinner to go to. Very nice places btw, (of course...I want to impress on the 1st date...even though it's been years since I've been on one LOL)

So, normally and typically I always like to pay. I've never had a problem unless I'm being taken advantage of or there are red flags. But 99% of the time I'm paying.

So with that being said...and since I'm a little rusty with the dating etiquette these days...who pays?

My 2 cents: I ask if she picks up the happy hour bill and I get dinner? OR, I pay for happy hour and dinner, but, I ask if she gets the tip for dinner, (~$50)

Thoughts...?

[Batya33]

I’d meet for happy hour only and severely limit alcohol. For a first meet I used to offer or order my own coffee before he got there etc. back when I dated - stopped in 2005 - if he asked me out after a first meet I basically expected him to pay. 

[Capricorn3]

I know the world has changed a lot, and I am old school, but in the "old days" it was always understood that the person who did the inviting, was the one who paid.

[yogacat]

Never ran into a problem. He always paid for a first date.

[RN4L_1969]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I’d meet for happy hour only and severely limit alcohol. For a first meet I used to offer or order my own coffee before he got there etc. back when I dated - stopped in 2005 - if he asked me out after a first meet I basically expected him to pay. 

I already set up the date for hh and dinner and she's excited, AND, I don't drink, so no worries on that!

[RN4L_1969]

2 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Never ran into a problem. He always paid for a first date.

So no discussions or awkward moments or even hesitation on it...?

[yogacat]

1 minute ago, RN4L_1969 said:

So no discussions or awkward moments or even hesitation on it...?

Nope!

[Cherylyn]

I'm different.  When my husband and I were dating,  we went "dutch" aka split the bill or paid our own way.  It was fair.  Once we were dating through engagement and towards marriage,  we took turns paying for restaurant meals,  tickets,  etc.  It all evened out.  🤗

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

 She suggested 2x to meet.

I on the other hand setup the date; happy hour and dinner to go to. 

It's a good idea to meet in person.  She's right about not wasting time texting this long.

Why not just have drinks? What do you mean by "dinner to go"? Take out?  

[ShySoul]

Male perspective: I'm old fashioned so I feel the gentleman should treat the lady. However, it really all depends on the people and situation. Some women want to pay their own way. In some cases the guy might not be in the financial situation to cover too much. So at the very least, as a gentleman make the offer. Maybe say you'll cover it this time then work out how you want to handle it going further. 

16 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

we took turns paying for restaurant meals,  tickets,  etc.  It all evened out. 

My best friend is female and that's how we handle all the times we are out. It averages out in the long run.

[RN4L_1969]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's a good idea to meet in person.  She's right about not wasting time texting this long.

Why not just have drinks? What do you mean by "dinner to go"? Take out?  

Well I already setup the date for HH and Dinner, (not takeout), and she's excited, so we're good. The reason for both HH and Dinner is because 1)This is our 1st meeting in person and 2)We live a little more than an hour from each other...so I wanted to make the most of our time; so hopefully it goes well!

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

 I already setup the date for HH and Dinner, We live a little more than an hour from each other...

If you picked the places, you pay. It's really that simple. Who is driving to whose area? 

[Capricorn3]

8 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Well I already setup the date for HH and Dinner, (not takeout), and she's excited, so we're good. The reason for both HH and Dinner is because 1)This is our 1st meeting in person and 2)We live a little more than an hour from each other...so I wanted to make the most of our time; so hopefully it goes well!

Hope it goes well. Good luck! 🤞

[RN4L_1969]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

If you picked the places, you pay. It's really that simple. Who is driving to whose area? 

Agree. We're meeting there separately.

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Agree. We're meeting there separately.

Have fun on the date!

[ShySoul]

Sounds like you're really thoughtful. So relax and have fun. Good luck.

[Kwothe28]

I would warn you against trying to impress her with big dinner dates. As if things go awry, you could feel used. Its better to just go for coffee date or something smaller if money is your concern in any way. It washes that warry away, as you know that she isnt there for money or free meal. 

But in this particular case, it was you who suggested dinner date in order to impress her. So you, as a gentleman, should pay for it. If you wanted to show off then show off properly.

[mylolita]

Hey OP! 
 

Congratulations on the date!!! HAVE FUN and be yourself! 
 

The thing about tradition, as much as it is slated, is tradition is clear cut and simple, and there are no grey areas. So traditionally, the man always would pay, no matter what, and even through marriage etc. this avoids massive argument and confusion and amount keeping as to who bought which drink and which side when on what week. It gets messy.

 

I would really recommend paying without even asking her to do a thing - pay before you leave discreetly on your way back from the bathroom to even avoid any debate or question. I think what you used to do was gentlemanly and hopefully appreciated by the right woman! 
 

I’m a little old school though so I realise opinions differ on this. 
 

Going forward if things work out, dates don’t have to be expensive or cost anything. Cafe, walks, going for a drive, visiting somewhere low key like a free museum etc won’t ask you to pick up hefty bills. 
 

x

[Sam1986]

Depends on country. In Norway its not that common for men to pay (thank god), but as a more traditionally minded man (which I guess is somewhat rare here), I do occasionally pay. It depends a lot on whether I actually liked her or not, and for someone I'm not that into I would probably just offer a coffee. I wouldn't necessarily ask for her to pay after that, but I wouldn't protest if she took her part of the bill either.
A big plus for me is if the woman offers to pay "the next round", as that signals that she's not feeling entitled for me to pay for everything. Just offering to do so is a plus.

[Batya33]

10 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I already set up the date for hh and dinner and she's excited, AND, I don't drink, so no worries on that!

But she might so you'll have a hefty tab plus dinner.  My mom had a friend whose son used to do a lot of online first meets -and he got taken advantage of often in NYC with ladies who insisted on dinner at fancy restaurants -and he paid.  

I once had a first meet where he insisted on dinner and at a fancy restaurant.  I knew I never wanted to see him again so I offered to split the bill -this was about 20 years ago -no drinks and it was $40 each - yes I was surprised he accepted given his insistence on meeting for dinner there.  Yes he asked me out for a first date after the first meet and I declined.  I tried to avoid meeting for pricey first meets for this reason.

[SherrySher]

11 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Been texting on and off with someone for the last month. We did talk on the phone once and it went well. She suggested she would like to meet up when I come back from out of town. So far so good. Her schedule is busy and I've had to tone down the lengthy texts, lol. But all good.

I'm back from out of town and after a few texts I noticed she was not as responsive...so I asked. She said we're all good, but she would really like to meet up so she would feel more comfortable texting and hopefully moving forward. Totally agree. So I set up our 1st date.

Keep in Mind: She suggested 2x to meet up, (date initiator)

I on the other hand setup the date; happy hour and dinner to go to. Very nice places btw, (of course...I want to impress on the 1st date...even though it's been years since I've been on one LOL)

So, normally and typically I always like to pay. I've never had a problem unless I'm being taken advantage of or there are red flags. But 99% of the time I'm paying.

So with that being said...and since I'm a little rusty with the dating etiquette these days...who pays?

My 2 cents: I ask if she picks up the happy hour bill and I get dinner? OR, I pay for happy hour and dinner, but, I ask if she gets the tip for dinner, (~$50)

Thoughts...?

I am all for equal paying on dates. It would be nice if she offered(good manners to at least offer), but I personally think whoever asked out whom, they are the ones who should pay.

If she asks you out next time, she should be the one to pay.

Although there are no set rules. If you're on a date and you both decide to go Dutch, that's cool too.

I agree with other people who said that the first meet up should be something small, like coffee.

You want to get to know this person, see if they are worthwhile to go on a more in depth date.

Dinner and drinks sounds more like a 2-3 date.

[Starlight925]

I'm old school, so I do like when the guy pays for the 1st meeting/date.  As a woman, I do always offer, but I sincerely appreciate and respect when he tells me he's "got it".  

Once a relationship is starting, then definitely, switching back & forth.  I'll go up to the bar and get us a round of drinks, or put down some cash for a tip.  Or make dinner, buy tickets for a game, etc.  

But for your first time, offer to pay, and if she offers, tell her you've got this one.

She was the one who brought up meeting because she wanted to get off the little texting screen and get to in person, which I respect.  Many will just un-match if the texting goes on too long, so she suggested the meet.  Good for you for going with it, now go and enjoy!

[RN4L_1969]

7 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

I would warn you against trying to impress her with big dinner dates. As if things go awry, you could feel used. Its better to just go for coffee date or something smaller if money is your concern in any way. It washes that warry away, as you know that she isnt there for money or free meal. 

But in this particular case, it was you who suggested dinner date in order to impress her. So you, as a gentleman, should pay for it. If you wanted to show off then show off properly.

Thanks for the input. I love fine dining, (everyone has their own likes), so I'm willing to take the risk if the date goes awry; hopefully not, but if so, I would have enjoyed a new experience...either way.

I'm not rolling in the dough...but I do plan accordingly to have discretionary money for dates...and I feel I've already impressed her with just getting to the date! So this is icing on the cake; and for sure...I am definitely an old school gentleman 🙂

[RN4L_1969]

7 hours ago, mylolita said:

Hey OP! 
 

Congratulations on the date!!! HAVE FUN and be yourself! 
 

The thing about tradition, as much as it is slated, is tradition is clear cut and simple, and there are no grey areas. So traditionally, the man always would pay, no matter what, and even through marriage etc. this avoids massive argument and confusion and amount keeping as to who bought which drink and which side when on what week. It gets messy.

 

I would really recommend paying without even asking her to do a thing - pay before you leave discreetly on your way back from the bathroom to even avoid any debate or question. I think what you used to do was gentlemanly and hopefully appreciated by the right woman! 
 

I’m a little old school though so I realise opinions differ on this. 
 

Going forward if things work out, dates don’t have to be expensive or cost anything. Cafe, walks, going for a drive, visiting somewhere low key like a free museum etc won’t ask you to pick up hefty bills. 
 

x

Thanks for this! Yes agree, and great idea about discretely paying without even having to talk about it...I think I'll use that!

And true...this being the first date I wanted it to be a nice memory. If all goes well, yes, parks, museums, etc...are all in the cards since the idea is spending time with her 🙂

I'm getting nervous since the date is tomorrow!! LOL - I guess we still get nervous at 54 🙂

 

[RN4L_1969]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

But she might so you'll have a hefty tab plus dinner.  My mom had a friend whose son used to do a lot of online first meets -and he got taken advantage of often in NYC with ladies who insisted on dinner at fancy restaurants -and he paid.  

I once had a first meet where he insisted on dinner and at a fancy restaurant.  I knew I never wanted to see him again so I offered to split the bill -this was about 20 years ago -no drinks and it was $40 each - yes I was surprised he accepted given his insistence on meeting for dinner there.  Yes he asked me out for a first date after the first meet and I declined.  I tried to avoid meeting for pricey first meets for this reason.

Good point...and just so far from the feel I don't think she would do that, but again, you never know! I have been taken advantage of in the past for sure...it's not a fun feeling. I'm a good guy with a good heart and I like to be treat others well. So I've learned, but sometimes I still take the risk! Hopefully this will work out!

Hopefully I'll get an idea on the "drinks" at HH before we head to dinner 🙂