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LADIES: Who pays on our 1st date???


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3 hours ago, yogacat said:

Living in the moment, while great in theory, is problematic because you are not assessing the potential long-term consequences of your actions. One can definitely get themselves in some sticky situations because they are overly focused on the short term.

This is especially important for making decisions regarding romantic prospects as there can be significant emotional impacts.

I agree.  This "easy breezy" devil may care / as long as it feels good do it/ can be a slippery slope.  

I think it is very likely to lead to superficial connections that don't have staying power.  That's not so bad at certain times in life but it would be a negative quality for a long term prospect.  Simply because looking long term is not a part of "if it feels good do it" and certainly does not prepare people to think about being there for each other through serious difficulties.

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7 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

 No mention of another date. . I felt it was on her to setup/ask or arrange the next date. Even with several texts going back and forth, seeing if she'll ask about another date, well it never came,   

Sorry this happened. Were you texting after she called in sick? Maybe it's just a case of mutual fizzle. Unfortunately more common than not.  Enjoy your trip, back burner this thing and see what happens. 

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11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes - so often people change their minds after a few dates and yes it was on her to reschedule! Stay in touch as friends if you're up for hearing about who she's dating!

I'm a fan of living in the present and having future goals in common despite no guarantees - I find it's a range - no guarantees depends on the specific situation - my marriage is solid so I live in the present and expect our marriage will remain solid while excepting obviously anything can happen.  I wouldn't have dated anyone who avoided making long term plans -whether relationship/job/financial because of some perceived inconsistency with living in the moment or because "no guarantees". 

I'm a planner.  It's served me so well. Despite experiencing that old saying "man plans and god laughs." With dating I lived in the moment -date to date -until we were exclusive.  Each date was the last unless there was another date planned.  That's how I managed my expectations.

I am 100% a planner. Some have even told me I missed my call lol. I love to plan and is actually one of the strengths that is a solid quality of mine. But I also think it's important to live in the moment and be present throughout this short life we live It's a tough, but delicate balance. For example with my xgf, we used to talk about "growing old together"...and maybe like I read here, it was out of re-enforcing a positive outlook on life, with of course knowing that there are no guarantees. But it was nice to fall asleep at night thinking, knowing, at least for the moment, that I'll be growing old with someone...Well, you know how it ended...and yea it hurt and I was very sad for months...but I'm over it and moved on. Now I get to add Ms. Sniffles as another failed attempt lol.

To add another phrase to your comment about how we don't know what tomorrow brings; one of my favorite Scriptures in the Old Testament is Proverbs: 16.9 :The mind of a man plans his way...but the Lord directs his steps." I love and live by that verse, (one of many); but it's a slice a Wisdom that could always be applied to this life 🙂

 

 

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10 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

No worries,  And I do understand how the word "detachment" can be confusing even to the OP, who has stated he equates it, as many people do, with being detached from emotion or lack of emotion.

So not true!   

It simply means being detached from a particular "outcome"  (i.e where is this relationship going, where will we be next week, next year etc).

The feelings/emotions and level of commitment are the same as a more traditional mindset and being concerned about the future. 

Law of Detachment

Allow yourself and others the freedom to be who they are. Do not force solutions—allow solutions to spontaneously emerge. Uncertainty is essential, and your path to freedom. (Internal freedom).

It has many layers to it as do all the other spiritual laws referenced earlier, but that's it in a nutshell. 

I understand this approach, but for me as a planner, and always looking towards the future; It gives me this:

1. I always have something to look forward to, (hope) - even if it's "false" or "uncertain", because I rather go to sleep at night with "a" comfort of what the future "may" bring, rather than I don't have a clue what tomorrow will bring...

With #1, yes, we tend to set ourselves up for disappointment, BUT

With#2, I feel your more lost than grounded since you live moment-by-moment, (which is how it should be, yet, with the added mindset that a future is being planned and talked about); but then there's almost the "expecting" that it could end/change the next day - I don't like that feeling of not being "settled"...

Here's the thing...it ALL ends at some point or another. ALWAYS. So make the best of it yes, since a lot of the the fun part is planning a future together. Look I know...I planned and planned with both my x-wives and xgf...and look where I'm at? Single and starting over. Would I do it again? 100%. The memories, the adventures, and so forth are only experienced once in a lifetime...and I felt I was truly living in those moments, "without ever thinking" this could be the last moment of us/this. No, why put my head-space there? I want to enjoy those moments for what they are, (and in the back of my mind of course I knew nothing lasted forever, but what's the harm in believing?"

JMHO

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9 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Either someone resonates with you, or not, and it’s important to get comfortable with the natural odds that most people will NOT.

This is tough for me, although I'm painfully learning this the hard way 🙁 As a positive, optimistic person, I think I give the benefit of the doubt too early to whomever I meet up with, that they will "gel" in someway, shape or form with me; maybe not the "spark" we've been talking about, but at least as friends - one human to another. But yea agree, I've definitely learned over the past, more than none...that my "puzzle piece" never seems to fit...even if I scour the board trying to make it fit...😔

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5 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Were you texting after she called in sick? Maybe it's just a case of mutual fizzle. Unfortunately more common than not.  Enjoy your trip, back burner this thing and see what happens. 

We did exchange some texts...even as she mentioned that she was better...so, yea, mutual fizz

Thanks @Wiseman2, and this is exactly what I'm going to do....

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1 hour ago, RN4L_1969 said:

I always have something to look forward to, (hope) - even if it's "false" or "uncertain", because I rather go to sleep at night with "a" comfort of what the future "may" bring, rather than I don't have a clue what tomorrow will bring...

Cool mate, whatever works for you. 😀 

There is no "better" way, or right or wrong way imo.  We live our lives and conduct our relationships in whatever way is comfortable for us, suits our natures and brings us joy.

The above quoted is interesting though as I don't have a clue what will happen "tomorrow," and look forward to finding out!  Whatever tomorrow brings; I try to always remain positive that good things will come.  Hope for the best.

I embrace that uncertainty, kind of like when we were kids on Christmas Eve and being excited about Christmas.

Okay bad analogy but hopefully you know what I mean even if you don’t share that mindset.  

It's just a different way of viewing things.  Again, the level of commitment is the same, perhaps deeper as it doesn't involve codependency. 

JMO, different strokes and all that jazz... :classic_biggrin:

 

 

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Update:

So after getting updated on here, at the same time, I just finished a bag of M&Ms Carmel, my new addiction lol, 😯. Not the kid-friendly box, the "share size" 🐖, ugghhh.....

Anyway...I'll have to work that off this week in AZ. Just wanted to say thank you all for the continued advice and support throughout all of this. Honestly it's really helped me. Back in the day I'd black out the room and feel sorry for myself for a few days and not talk to anyone. This is far more effective.

I may not be on as much this week since I'll be with my son and granddaughter, and working at the same time; but I'll try and take a sneak here and there - I'm already going to miss the convo lol...who knows, maybe I'll run into my next adventure...

Talk soon ❤️

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4 hours ago, RN4L_1969 said:

Update:

So after getting updated on here, at the same time, I just finished a bag of M&Ms Carmel, my new addiction lol, 😯. Not the kid-friendly box, the "share size" 🐖, ugghhh.....

Anyway...I'll have to work that off this week in AZ. Just wanted to say thank you all for the continued advice and support throughout all of this. Honestly it's really helped me. Back in the day I'd black out the room and feel sorry for myself for a few days and not talk to anyone. This is far more effective.

I may not be on as much this week since I'll be with my son and granddaughter, and working at the same time; but I'll try and take a sneak here and there - I'm already going to miss the convo lol...who knows, maybe I'll run into my next adventure...

Talk soon ❤️

Good luck fellow planner -and good for you with the balance with living in the moment -it's what I strive for and no co-dependency issues here either or among the people  I know who are on the same wavelength - the balance in order to have a fulfilling life (and I wouldn't be here if my parents hadn't been planners, inspired me to be one and inspired me to live in the moment like the moment I finally decided to go for my dream career which led to me meeting my future husband ironically enough -had I not then planned it out and been highly invested in the professional outcomes -- hmmmmmm). I'm sure you have similar stories -we are similar ages as far as how you met your ex wife, how you built your career, etc.

  I am friendly with people who follow Buddhist traditions for many years now -detachment, etc. is part of it -it's certainly an interesting philosophy and who knows maybe you'll try it out in sort of a guinea pig way with the next lady if you're so inspired -lots of interesting input about that approach too!

I'm glad the input about moving on helped and other input! 

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Update:

I'm back all, how's everyone?

No word from Ms. Sniffles. But that was expected...so all good. Had a great trip with my son/granddaughter and the mom. It's a difficult situation between them and so I've been flying there about every 6 weeks or so to be there for him and my gd. He has no family where he's at, (only the mom does); which is part of the tough situation. Anyway, breaks my heart to see him go through this but at least he knows he has me and the rest of family here as strong support. I've always had a solid relationship with my kids. It's funny cause they don't want me in another relationship, (tongue in cheek), cause they think it''l take me away from them...heh, that will never happen! No one comes between my kids and whoever I meet knows that upfront.

Ok I digress...

So back to the drawing board...but honestly I don't think I even want to date in a traditional relationship again right now. I may want to explore other "types" of relationships which I've had in the past. IDK. Those dynamics never seem to have any drama, walking on eggshells, making sure you don't say something, do something, act something, think something, breath a certain way...before you or they are on to the next. At least with these types of alternative NSA relationships it really is a lot less complicated and both parties are always on the same page and there's no drama whatsoever. I know, it's NSA...meaning no real substance or foundation of a long term commitment; but...maybe that's my way of "taking a break". But OP, you've only had a dating experience with Ms. Sniffles. Yes, and then the 8 months with my xgf. I'm quickly getting tired of putting forth A LOT of effort in every one of these relationships only to end up frustrated with unanswered questions...either about the failed attempt, or myself...It's tiring man....just tiring, and life is so short...

One thing I've been hooked on is that show "Love on the Spectrum"...my son turned me on to it. What a beautiful series!! I loved it...definitely pulls on the heart strings...

IDK, that's where my head's at...any help is always greatly appreciated 🙂

-Mr. Anderson

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14 minutes ago, RN4L_1969 said:

drama, walking on eggshells, making sure you don't say something, do something, act something, think something, breath a certain way..

I've never experienced this when it was the right relationship. When I chose poorly, yes. 

My husband and I divorced because we both were immature in some ways. It wasn't because we had to walk on eggshells or worry about what we said to one another. 

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1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you mean sugar baby relationships? 

Definitely less hassle because everything is understood as far as what the deal is. 

Yes, an exchange of money and gifts for sex and companionship. 

I had a long-ish term friend with benefits. We got together occasionally for physical encounters. I stopped that arrangement when he started getting into legal and financial trouble and he asked me to pay him to have sex with me. As if! 

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NSA is not dating or a romantic relationship that results from dating or hanging out to get know a person as a whole person. It’s not really an alternative to a relationship it’s simply a different way to interact with another person.  It is an alternative to getting sex by dating someone (if when you date you and the other person include being sexual ) if the goal is sex then of course it’s easier in some ways for a person who finds it hard to interact with the whole person.  I’m glad you’re figuring out what makes sense and feels right. 

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On 2/19/2024 at 3:18 PM, RN4L_1969 said:

...drama, walking on eggshells, making sure you don't say something, do something, act something, think something, breath a certain way...

I can appreciate why you wouldn't want any of this, so then don't participate in it.

You're perfectly entitled to decide whether you want to shoot for a relationship with someone who legitimately cares about you, or whether you'd rather pay someone to pretend to care about you. But if you ever decide you'll want to find real caring, you'll need to screen people for that important place in your life. You weren't screening, you were trying to impress and then pursue a fit with someone who didn't fit. And yes, that's awkward--so don't so it anymore. When you feel uncomfortable with a woman, she's not for you.

Head high, and welcome back.

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