My stubborn boss

[TheCrow]

Alex,

I for one am actually in awe of what you've  achieved by age 30. Am not going to even go into what my life was like at that age.

As my ex-MIL used to say, let them get on with it. Live your life the way you see fit and vent away online when you feel like it. You don't owe anyone here or on any other forum anything in the slightest. Keep doing your best- that's good enough. 

[Alex39]

1 minute ago, TheCrow said:

Alex,

I for one am actually in awe of what you've  achieved by age 30. Am not going to even go into what my life was like at that age.

As my ex-MIL used to say, let them get on with it. Live your life the way you see fit and vent away online when you feel like it. You don't owe anyone here or on any other forum anything in the slightest. Keep doing your best- that's good enough. 

Thank you. I appreciate that. I truly appreciate that more than you know. 

Honestly, I'm bitter and I'm tired. I'm exhausted from working so hard and trying so hard in my life. I do try to be perfect. But I know I'm still far from it. It's who I am. 

I want so bad to just settle down, relax more,  have some fun, find a good man, enjoy my life, have a few kids and put my effort into my little family. 

But it seems I'm just in a place where I have to keep trying so hard, working for money, and I can't relax. 

So yeah, I come here and I complain. I have no where else to complain or tell my inner feelings. 

[Seraphim]

30 minutes ago, Alex39 said:

Thank you. I appreciate that. I truly appreciate that more than you know. 

Honestly, I'm bitter and I'm tired. I'm exhausted from working so hard and trying so hard in my life. I do try to be perfect. But I know I'm still far from it. It's who I am. 

I want so bad to just settle down, relax more,  have some fun, find a good man, enjoy my life, have a few kids and put my effort into my little family. 

But it seems I'm just in a place where I have to keep trying so hard, working for money, and I can't relax. 

So yeah, I come here and I complain. I have no where else to complain or tell my inner feelings. 

Hun, 

Let go of what “ should be “ and deal with what is . No one’s life is exactly the way they thought it should go, certainly not mine. 
 

Most of us have to fight through all kinds battles to get where we are. That is the majority of the world. 
 

Bitterness will drag you down like nothing else. Really . Honey go to your doctor and have a health check and ask for help. How you feel is hurting you most of all. 

[boltnrun]

No need to strive to be perfect. Who is? If that's your goal, no wonder you're frustrated and anxious. 

What frustrates me personally is to read about how you keep doing the same things and wondering why you don't have what you want. I don't mean being "sweet" or "nice". I mean tripling down when situations are clearly not serving you. Instead of saying "this isn't working so I am going to cut my losses and move forward" you stay in these situations and wonder why you're unhappy. 

You hold all the power. When something isn't working, make changes!

As for me not understanding what it's like to struggle financially, hello, single mother! I made $11,000 the first year I was a single mom. Yes, the entire year. I do too know what it's like. But I knew I had to do better for my child(ren). There was no other option.

I know you can do this if you stop acting out of fear or worrying if you're not being "sweet" when you leave a bad situation. 

[Seraphim]

Also , perfect doesn’t exist, really it doesn’t . Trying to achieve perfection drove my husband to attempt suicide more than once. 
 

Perfection and never failing doesn’t exist. If you never fail you never grow. Failure is a learning tool. 
 

You need therapy for this idea of perfection and no failure . 

[LootieTootie]

Maybe this is also why you seek perfection in others and when you see they are not perfect, you judge them.

And you judge them quite harshly. I think this is a trait you learned from your mom who you mentioned criticizes you and make you feel inadequate. I recalled some of your posts on here about your mom, and it's demeaning and humiliating. Yet you talk highly of her helping you with things. She's a double-edge sword to speak. 

Of course you do not need to explain, but you mentioned how you don't think things too "deeply" and I implore you to do that for your own growth, own sanity and own happiness. You deserve better and it all starts from within.

 

[Tinydance]

23 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Thank you. I appreciate that. I truly appreciate that more than you know. 

Honestly, I'm bitter and I'm tired. I'm exhausted from working so hard and trying so hard in my life. I do try to be perfect. But I know I'm still far from it. It's who I am. 

I want so bad to just settle down, relax more,  have some fun, find a good man, enjoy my life, have a few kids and put my effort into my little family. 

But it seems I'm just in a place where I have to keep trying so hard, working for money, and I can't relax. 

So yeah, I come here and I complain. I have no where else to complain or tell my inner feelings. 

Well money actually isn't everything. That's not to say that everything is easy breezy in life and you don't need money of course. But you actually seem quite fixated on it and you think that other people should be too. I was actually going to make a comment that you seem a bit obsessed with money.

I don't think there was anything wrong that you asked for a raise. Especially if your boss said she was giving other employees one. I think what you need to realise though that in life there are things in your control and things out of your control. Also you always seem to expect that people have to think like you, live like you, do what you do. They actually don't have to do that at all. You're allowed to live your life as you want but so are other people. You need to completely let go of the notion that other people have to be like you. 

You make a lot of comments which actually don't have much (if anything) to do with anything. For example, you're saying" "Why is my boss only working twenty hours a week! I was raised to work hard and I work really hard and a lot." That's fine you were raised to work hard but it's got nothing to do with your boss. If she wants to work twenty hours a week, that is her choice and it's got nothing to do with you. You can work as much as you like, but she doesn't have to. This is her life.

You do this all the time. You write that you think XYZ, do XYZ and have XYZ beliefs and it always makes you angry and frustrated that other people don't do this. You don't have to worry about what other people are doing. Also just because they're not living the way you live doesn't actually mean they're unhappy. They could be perfectly fine and enjoying the way they live. You do seem unhappy a lot of the time though. You need to really just let go of that idea that you need to control everything and everyone has to be like you. A lot of what you write about isn't even related to you and doesn't affect you. You're causing yourself so much unnecessary stress by doing that.

 

[Jaunty]

Where's @Seraphim 's diagram again?  

[catfeeder]

On 1/22/2024 at 5:13 PM, Seraphim said:

Let go of what “ should be “ and deal with what is.

Alex, this is the most liberating thing you can learn how to do. It permits you to say 'no' when asked to do something you don't want to do. Think about the wedding roles and showers and other events you could have nixed cleanly instead of 'shoulding' yourself into, only to harm those relationships anyway with your resentment and resistance.

The 'ideal' of forcing a second job to serve multiple purposes for showcasing on a resume may be too steep an order for the moment. All these weeks of conflict over 10 hours could have been happily spent laughing your way through 15 or 20 actual hours of bagging some groceries or flipping some burgers or whatever else you might find fun.

In terms of needing to relax, consider relaxing as many 'shoulds' as possible that you hold over yourself, and stop striving for perfection? This can remove so much complexity, and you won't feel compelled to beat yourself up over failures that aren't even fails--they're just needless frustrations over standards that don't even exist beyond your own self-imposed 'shoulds'.

Head high!

 

 

 

[Seraphim]

14 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Where's @Seraphim 's diagram again?  

 

[Alex39]

I wanted to give an update on this situation. She ended up apologizing and things have been better since. 

I was looking at the job description of what I was hired for. She is only letting me do about half the work listed. 

The job was truly to manage her studio. Her staff, hire people, run the place essentially. I'm confused why I am not doing these things. I was excited to do these things, because I like them and it would add to my experience. She complains wrleekly how she hates these things and isn't good at them. I tell her how I'd love to do these things. 

Even last week, I reminded her that she hadn't paid her staff in a long while. They should be paid every month at the end of the month. 

She has no procedures or process in place. She just does as she feels like it. 

So I nicely said- should you pay the staff since it's end of the month? Then I said- how about I calculate what each is owed? 

She was like- Oh no, I'll handle that. It was like it was some hard secret task that only she could do. I am running her programming with all the numbers. I can easily do it. So I backed off and reminded her nicely that one of her teachers works Tuesday night, so best to leave her check for her when she comes. The owner isn't there Tuesdays. She says okay. 

Tuesday rolls around. I'm at home. I get a message from the staffer teaching saying how she hasn't been paid and no check was left. I'm the manager, so she comes to me. I feel extremely embarrassed and uncomfortable. I let her know that the owner is responsible for this and not myself. I contact the owner. She never made her a check or left her one. I dont think she planned on paying her staff, but its been over a month. Since she's away, she sends a PayPal to the poor teacher who deserved to be paid. My issue is, I see her sales, she's doubling still under me, so where's the money going? 

I work there in-person once a week. I asked to be paid every other week. She agreed. I have to ask to be paid when I'm in every time. Then she gets all awkward and frazzled- always asking- when we're you paid last? Like I'm scamming her early for money. It's bizarre. She doesn't keep track of it. So I do and every time I show her how she paid me two weeks ago and she goes- Oh. 

Like she's bummed she has to pay me again. 

She decided to up my pay two dollars. But she hired me to work 20 hours a week and I'm barely getting 10. So that's probably who she increased my pay. I truly think she isn't letting me do what she hired me to do, because she knows it would take longer hours and she doesn't want to pay me for it. I feel a bit mislead. The job was 20 hours doing way more. 

I saw another job posted for a manager very similar to the one I have now. It's 5 minutes from my home compared to the 25 this one is. 

I currently work about 5 to 6 hours in-person and 4 hours remotely. 10 houra a week. This other job is like 15 hours in-person. I don't know how I feel about that. I already work 35 hours at my full time. 

I applied and have an interview for the other job. I make $17.50 now and this other new job is $20/hour. 

[Batya33]

I would get a new job -I don't think she's outright scammy. But I do think she's treating you and other employees unfairly and basically she has to pay people what she promised to in a timely way and you shouldn't be the middle person who people go to when they haven't been paid -I couldn't stomach that either unless it was a clerical error. For sure we've all I bet covered for our bosses when they are late doing their review of  project or a document but not when it involves the basic of an employee being paid.  

Her flighty attitude about salary would be a dealbreaker for me. I hope you get the other job.

[MissCanuck]

Focus on getting a different job and leaving this one. 

[Starlight925]

So the update is....no update.  

Same ol', same ol'.

We all have the same advice:  quit, find another job, even if it means sweeping floors.

We get it.  She's awful.  Check.  ✅

In addition to all the other horrible things she does, she doesn't pay her employees on time.  That's actually not your business; it's between them & her.  If people want to work without getting paid on time, that's on them.  If you want your paycheck on time, then you have every right to demand it.

What I don't get is why you're allowing this to go on, 2+ months now?

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Alex39 said:

. My issue is, I see her sales, she's doubling still under me, so where's the money going? 

This shouldn't be your issue. You're not her boss even though you continue with that bizarre narrative. Please stop "gently reminding" her of things 

It seems like she doesn't really trust you or has her own chaotic system of doing things.  It seems she is cutting back your hours and responsibilities because she's unhappy with your work. She's even asked you to undo several things she thought were horrible ideas. 

It's understandable. It's like a hospital hiring a janitor and now the janitor is telling doctors how to perform brain surgery. Please. You need to discontinue this. Even if your parents convinced you that you have this big important executive job. 

You are just a receptionist with very little responsibilities. However she pays her employees is her headache. 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, Starlight925 said:

So the update is....no update.  

Same ol', same ol'.

We all have the same advice:  quit, find another job, even if it means sweeping floors.

We get it.  She's awful.  Check.  ✅

In addition to all the other horrible things she does, she doesn't pay her employees on time.  That's actually not your business; it's between them & her.  If people want to work without getting paid on time, that's on them.  If you want your paycheck on time, then you have every right to demand it.

What I don't get is why you're allowing this to go on, 2+ months now?

I think it is her business if the employees are approaching her so that now her tasks include telling the employee to go talk to the boss although I agree she should shut that down - tell them "I have no involvement anymore in how or when you are paid".  But to the extent it affects her check -it is her business 100%.

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

In addition to all the other horrible things she does, she doesn't pay her employees on time.  That's actually not your business; it's between them & her.  If people want to work without getting paid on time, that's on them.  If you want your paycheck on time, then you have every right to demand

Here in the US, it's against US Labor Laws to not timely pay employees and she could be (and should be) sued. 

Since some employees are asking YOU about it as the manager, you could and probably would be named as a defendant in any lawsuit. 

Respond in writing (email) it's NOT your function to manage payroll and to contact the owner. 

If she's sued, and you're a named defendant, you'd be forced to hire an attorney to dismiss you as a defendant since you're not really the "manager." 

Get everything in writing!  Email. So there's proof in case she is sued or a formal complaint with the Labor Board in your country is filed. 

Have you considered this? 

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

What I don't get is why you're allowing this to go on, 2+ months now?

Great question!  It's been asked previously not sure why OP hasn't answered it. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

 Since she's away, she sends a PayPal to the poor teacher who deserved to be paid. 

She is paying her staff. Just not the way you think she should. You seem to be implying some sort of embezzling, illegal activity, money laundering, whatever. But you have zero proof of any of this.  An employee was paid via PayPal rather than a check left in a drawer. So?

[Starlight925]

Deleted, duplicate.

[rainbowsandroses]

4 hours ago, Alex39 said:

Even last week, I reminded her that she hadn't paid her staff in a long while.

Alex, define "long while"? 

Many employees live paycheck to paycheck!  And simply could not survive without being paid in a "long while."

Something sounds very off about this.

[boltnrun]

On 1/22/2024 at 2:16 PM, boltnrun said:

Instead of saying "this isn't working so I am going to cut my losses and move forward" you stay in these situations and wonder why you're unhappy. 

 

[Jaunty]

I'm not defending the owner, but I have personal experience to share

I was a subcontractor early in my career, and ended up buying out the owner of the company and striking off on my own.

For quite a few years it worked out great but as the business grew, the time came to hand over day to day clerical aspects of the business to someone.   I was a sales rep and had demanding clients to take care of.  Paperwork etc. was not a priority and it was getting disorganized.

So, I hired an "office manager," which is essentially what you are supposed to be. 

This phase of being a business owner was probably the most difficult part of my whole career in sales.  Relinquishing control is difficult, and not only because one might be some level of "control freak;" more often, a person who's done it all on their own has little idea or predisposition to organize it all effectively to pass it on.  In my case it was quite a mess.

It took a looong time to make this transition, but it happened.

@Alex39you have stepped into this woman's business life at this moment.

You have an elevated opinion of yourself and a very low opinion of her and what she has accomplished - but try  to remain cognizant that she HAS created a business and it has informed a lot of her life regardless of what you think of it.  It's part of her identity.

She did NOT hire you to "run the business."  She hired you to take on clerical day-to-day boring housekeeping,  and I'm sure she hoped your help with organizing things would make running her business easier for her.  

Somebody who enjoys teaching fitness is not likely to be the same person who is good at organizing files etc.  

You probably could be a great help to her.  You seem like the type who likes to have all the t's crossed and the i's dotted and not very concerned with aesthetics.   Maybe you could provide a good balance for her.

This can't be possible, however, when you persist in denigrating her and refusing to have any respect for the fact that she's created a business ... which is not something you've accomplished yourself. 

Mainly your refusal to recognize your role is to HELP her to realize HER visions for HER business.

You are always trying to wrest power and control, and  in doing so you are probably a liability to her.  You also hate it there.  

Move on.  And don't take this kind of a role for any other small business owner unless you are prepared to step aside with your self-aggrandizing tendencies and just look at how you can enable that person to run their business as they would like.

[MissCanuck]

In the time you spend typing out these long posts of repetitive complaints, you could be sending your resumé to other places. 

 

 

 

[Alex39]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I would get a new job -I don't think she's outright scammy. But I do think she's treating you and other employees unfairly and basically she has to pay people what she promised to in a timely way and you shouldn't be the middle person who people go to when they haven't been paid -I couldn't stomach that either unless it was a clerical error. For sure we've all I bet covered for our bosses when they are late doing their review of  project or a document but not when it involves the basic of an employee being paid.  

Her flighty attitude about salary would be a dealbreaker for me. I hope you get the other job.

Yes, I feel uncomfortable about it. And that I have to keep asking to be paid even myself. She will pay when I ask, but its awkward, and the vibe from her is strange. I think if I didn't say anything, she'd go months. She told me she was annoyed that the woman in my job before demanded to be paid every week. I can see why. 

 

I forgot to add. She never gave me any tax documents. By law, you are supposed to send them out postmarked by January 30th. She handed them to me a few days ago, end of February. I kept asking and asking and she wasn't organized or prepared and didn't have it ready. I could technically report her to the IRS and she'd get a penalty. But I'm not a mean person to do that. 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, Alex39 said:

Yes, I feel uncomfortable about it. And that I have to keep asking to be paid even myself. She will pay when I ask, but its awkward, and the vibe from her is strange. I think if I didn't say anything, she'd go months. She told me she was annoyed that the woman in my job before demanded to be paid every week. I can see why. 

 

I forgot to add. She never gave me any tax documents. By law, you are supposed to send them out postmarked by January 30th. She handed them to me a few days ago, end of February. I kept asking and asking and she wasn't organized or prepared and didn't have it ready. I could technically report her to the IRS and she'd get a penalty. But I'm not a mean person to do that. 

Yes - don't burn bridges -she can be a reference.