Ladies only please..

[4dsc]

Would like a womans perspective on this please.. let's say you got into a fight with your partner, and you want to end things after a 10 year relationship with 2 kids. But you still want the husband to stay and take care of the kids because you work over 40 hours a week, and sleep the rest of the time.. but don't want a romantic relationship anymore. You choose to give him just enough friendly attention so he still thinks there is a chance but no romance. Is there more chances you will want him back if he turns around and leaves you with everything and not help at all, or continue to stay and try to win your love back? Would love honest opinions without judgement. Thank you. 

I feel once a woman loses romantic feelings, it's over forever right? I should probably get out while i still have my sanity?

[Andrina]

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't use a man whom I no longer loved. I'd make a clean break and sort out everything legally. That's what a decent woman does. I don't know what you mean by not helping at all. You have to make sure the children are receiving the hands on support from both parents and are taken care of to the fullest extent, and are made the priority during this stressful time. You have to ensure they are in a healthy environment with the parents being mature and pleasant toward one another while co-parenting. It's the right thing to do after bringing new lives into the world who didn't ask to be born.

[smackie9]

59 year old lady here....get a lawyer, figure out custody....move on. 

[4dsc]

1 hour ago, Andrina said:

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't use a man whom I no longer loved. I'd make a clean break and sort out everything legally. That's what a decent woman does. I don't know what you mean by not helping at all. You have to make sure the children are receiving the hands on support from both parents and are taken care of to the fullest extent, and are made the priority during this stressful time. You have to ensure they are in a healthy environment with the parents being mature and pleasant toward one another while co-parenting. It's the right thing to do after bringing new lives into the world who didn't ask to be born.

I mean that she just works and sleeps. She might give them a hug or share a few words with them. Then back to work or back to bed. I forgot to mention shes been on anti depressants most of her adult life so i don't know if most women would understand her. Its a little hard to think rationally here as i am heart broken and feel unappreciated and disrespected after all the heart and soul i put into this relationship. She definitly taught me never to love like this again. This is the 3rd long term relationship where i get used for years, then they get bored and throw me away. 

[4dsc]

31 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

59 year old lady here....get a lawyer, figure out custody....move on. 

What's the lawyer for though? You think she'll try to keep them from me as revenge if i leave? 

[mylolita]

A huge side affect of anti-depressants is low libido. Is she also on the contraceptive pill?

 

I’m a 33 year old woman; been with my husband for 15 years we have 3 children under the age of 5. I have a bit more estrogen - an imbalance; and I probably would never have found that out had I not gone on the pill. I was massively allergic to many forms of it, but one of the other side affects, go figure of most contraceptive pills is low libido!!

 

Maybe instead of taking medication to mask her depression and problems, she and you need to solve them, or work towards that. No one should be on anti depressants as a life long strategy, they don’t completely solve anything and often cause other problems through side affects. 
 

Can you reduce her work load at all? Let her drop a day? Can you both not spend quality time and work this out? How about, time also as a family doing something simple and low key? Just time! And communicating? 
 

You have children - it’s better if this can be worked out and I believe most marital problems can be as long as you are both genuinely willing to solve issues! 
 

You need to be able to talk to her - openly, honestly; calmly, about the real problems here. I can guess there may be many, stacked up in resentment over many years. 
 

If she really is unwilling to work anything out, you need to prioritise your children’s well being, stability and routine. They need both parents working together peacefully, no blow up arguments. 
 

I really hope you two are able to talk. Put aside a weekend night or two - this is your marriage; I hope she is as invested as you, even if the spark has gone and the respect maybe as well. You can work all that out, but she needs to give you genuine effort and time to do that! 
 

Best,

 

x

[boltnrun]

Based on how you described the relationship in your other thread I would not be interested in reconciling. However she doesn't get to use you for free childcare. 

Allow the courts to make the decision, not your ex. 

As for dumping the kids into her lap full time as a form of revenge or to get her to want you back... terrible idea. 

[LotusBlack]

6 hours ago, 4dsc said:

Would like a womans perspective on this please.. let's say you got into a fight with your partner, and you want to end things after a 10 year relationship with 2 kids. But you still want the husband to stay and take care of the kids because you work over 40 hours a week, and sleep the rest of the time.. but don't want a romantic relationship anymore. You choose to give him just enough friendly attention so he still thinks there is a chance but no romance. Is there more chances you will want him back if he turns around and leaves you with everything and not help at all, or continue to stay and try to win your love back? Would love honest opinions without judgement. Thank you. 

I feel once a woman loses romantic feelings, it's over forever right? I should probably get out while i still have my sanity?

My sister and her ex had an arrangement of convenience. My sister got pregnant to a man she had been seeing for six months when she was just 19 and he 8 years older than her. They had their son and the relationship became so volatile and toxic it was rough on every member of my family. I was 12 at the time. They stayed together for financial reasons. Then, 9 years later, my sister wanted another baby. She didn’t want different fathers and her and her ex were no longer technically a couple but lived together for - as mentioned above - financial reasons and so he could more easily co-parent. She ended up getting pregnant again with another son. The home environment deteriorated even further and became even more toxic and volatile. It was like a poison to my sister who became a horrible human being in her treatment of others because she suffered extreme emotional abuse by her narcissist ex who was still in the house. 

My sister and her ex went on this way for a total of 20 years, from the time my eldest nephew was about 6-12 months old. He is now 25 and the younger one going on 16. It was incredibly damaging to the boys, even more financially draining than had the two gone their seperate ways, they have a serious issue with child custody of the youngest and my sister, who is now in her mid 40s has never been able to have a healthy relationship with a man since as she is so traumatised. She doesn’t feel like it will ever happen for her because she is irrevocably not open to it due to distrust.

I went through much the same with my now-ex husband but got away after just 3 years. I would not let what happened with my sister be the same fate for me. 

Although the situation you mention is not the same exact situation, nothing good ever comes from keeping together people who should not be cohabitating or in a relationship anymore. Nor is deliberately misleading someone strategically for one’s own agenda and end-game. Manipulation is never a good tool to use against anyone in any situation. So, too, is leaving bread crumbs for someone to pick up based on a concern about “what if” you regret your choice later and so action a fail-safe policy. It’s not ethical, decent, or worth it and will guarantee a negative outcome 100% of the time.

[mylolita]

I think OP it is very hard for anyone who doesn’t know anything about you or your wife to suggest divorce when it is so serious.

 

It sounds like, from what you have said, there is no abuse or violence - this is a love gone stale? Which happens in so many long term marriages! I do believe if truly willing, both people can turn their marriages around. Marriage is work, this is what you have to do - you get a very bad year; bumps in the road. The main thing is that you both still love each other and care, and if that is there, you can work upwards and onwards, I do think that. It’s not easy! 
 

Divorce is horrible and damaging on children, so is staying together and constantly fighting and having an unstable household. No one really wins and there is no good answer to this in my opinion apart from the long haul, hard work option. 
 

I am not religious at all, but I do believe a marriage is something sacred, and special, and divorce is not a flippant thing to go for when things get tough, it’s a final and last resort and should be sought once everything else has been tried (as long as there is no abuse!) 

 

I think personally in this modern age it’s sad divorce is so common. I think people give up much easier now, or think the grass is often greener. You both picked each other for a reason - people don’t change over night. I really hope ideally you and your wife can come together for not only the children, but your romance and history as a couple! And use that to try to move on and work this out.

 

I have been with my husband 15 years - in that time we have had trials, tribulations, sparks lost, all of that. No marriage is a breeze, but you have to be a team who wants to keep it together! 
 

If your wife has no interest in that and you can’t talk with her, I’m sorry, but like others have said you may have to go your own way. I think it does matter how young your children are - staying in the house might be a practical idea for a few more years while they are very young.

 

x

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, mylolita said:

I think OP it is very hard for anyone who doesn’t know anything about you or your wife to suggest divorce when it is so serious.

I would strongly suggest you read his other thread. 

[MissCanuck]

13 hours ago, 4dsc said:

if he turns around and leaves you with everything and not help at all,

What do you mean by this, exactly? Not help raise your own kids? 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

 I do believe a marriage is something sacred, and special, and divorce is not a flippant thing to go for  it’s sad divorce is so common.

They are not married. She is a pharmacist, so well versed in the use and side effects of medication and antidepressants. 

She pays all the bills and owns the house. He is an unemployed stay at home father who's already on dating apps because "he's not getting enough sex", rents out his place  for passive income and feels "used" for "babysitting" his children.

She  stated she's tired from working so hard, which she has to do to have medical insurance and benefits for her children as well as pay all the bills and support her children. She allows him to stay in her house for the sake of the children but conflicts and exhaustion is the reason she stated she no longer wants sex.

[Batya33]

14 hours ago, 4dsc said:

Would like a womans perspective on this please.. let's say you got into a fight with your partner, and you want to end things after a 10 year relationship with 2 kids. But you still want the husband to stay and take care of the kids because you work over 40 hours a week, and sleep the rest of the time.. but don't want a romantic relationship anymore. You choose to give him just enough friendly attention so he still thinks there is a chance but no romance. Is there more chances you will want him back if he turns around and leaves you with everything and not help at all, or continue to stay and try to win your love back? Would love honest opinions without judgement. Thank you. 

I feel once a woman loses romantic feelings, it's over forever right? I should probably get out while i still have my sanity?

Women are individuals.  You don't just lose romantic feelings like a light switch.  If my husband wanted to live like roommates without any romantic relationship - and didn't want to go to counseling to see if the spark could be revived, didn't want to go on dates, etc - I would not want to live in the same home just because like many adults he works full time and likes to get some sleep.  It's also not right for the kids.  I wouldn't make the choice based on winning him back I would make the choice based on what was right first and foremost for the children.

You really would not parent your kids?? That's not helping.  You are a parent -you don't help, you parent.  Helping as a parent is when one parent always does X (always picks up child at school/always manages child's sports schedule or doctor appointments or makes all the school lunches) - and that parents asks "can you take over X this week because I now have to do Y?" That's "helping" the other parent in those situations where the parent needs the other parent to take on extra tasks.  That's more like helping.  Both of you had/conceived/adopted these kids therefore each of you is responsible for parenting them.

If a person doesn't feel it anymore it doesn't mean it's over -it depends why, depends if the feelings were ever there in the first place, and also whether the person also wants now to look to date others or is having an affair.  Too many variables.  

Many people co parent and live in separate households.  I've only heard of one couple who reconciled.  He had an affair.  She divorced him -they got back together (they had young kids) and he cheated again same woman I think -and she took him back but they are not remarried -she now refers to it as their rough patch.  This was years ago and they're together and seemingly "happy".  So I guess there are rare exceptions.  

[tattoobunnie]

21 hours ago, 4dsc said:

I feel once a woman loses romantic feelings, it's over forever right?

A woman may take years mulling over ending a relationship.  And by the time they speak up, they've already checked out long ago.

....well I just read your previous topic.  WOW. Just WOW.  I hope she breaks free from you.

You are not supportive of her choices, her career, her mental health, nothing. And, you definitely don't see her or treat her like a partner. 

[Cherylyn]

Once you end things after a 10 year relationship and 2 kids,  be responsible for your own daycare needs while co-parenting,  receiving child support and learning how to be independent of your partner. 

Don't play games.  Don't make him think there's a chance but no romance.  No sense wishing and daring.  You're just wasting everyone's time not to mention he will be infuriated if he catches on that he's being played. 

There's more to a relationship than romantic feelings but if romantic feelings don't exist,  the relationship is empty.

Terminate the relationship if you don't envision a realistic future with your partner. 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

Once you end things after a 10 year relationship and 2 kids,  be responsible for your own daycare needs while co-parenting,  receiving child support and learning how to be independent of your partner. 

Don't play games.  Don't make him think there's a chance but no romance.  No sense wishing and daring.  You're just wasting everyone's time not to mention he will be infuriated if he catches on that he's being played. 

There's more to a relationship than romantic feelings but if romantic feelings don't exist,  the relationship is empty.

Terminate the relationship if you don't envision a realistic future with your partner. 

The OP is the man, not the woman.

[catfeeder]

On 12/7/2023 at 3:58 PM, 4dsc said:

...Is there more chances you will want him back if he turns around and leaves you with everything and not help at all, or continue to stay and try to win your love back?

Why do you believe these are your only two choices? It's black-and-white thinking that deprives you of all but the most extreme options that, incidentally, also work against your goal. Think--what would any woman in her right mind find at all attractive about a man who'd abandon and devastate his children just to spite their mother? That's beyond lame.

There can be no love without respect, but there can be no respect if it's not mutual. So if your goal is to hurt this woman, there will be no coming back from that, and most especially if you do it by hurting your children.

Not all couples who separate end up splitting for good. I'd move out and negotiate a reasonable custody agreement. I'd also work with kids' mom to interview potential babysitters for when either of you are unable (or unwilling) to help the other while you each pursue your own lives. I'd keep this respectful, and I'd be especially careful about never badmouthing your childrens' mother--that's half their DNA.

You could come out of this with your confidence intact, and possibly leave an impression on your ex that inspires respect and raises her sentimentality. But if you turn punishing? You'll lose it all, including respect for your SELF.

[Tinydance]

Well using antidepressants by people of all gender is common. The statistics are something like 1 in 4 people has/had mental health struggles. I understand you're hurting but I think you're looking for other reasons why your partner wants to leave you. I'm not sure if she was using you during the course of your ten year relationship or not. Can you provide some examples how she used you? 

It seems that you view someone wanting to end a relationship with you as that person "using" you but that's not what it is. If she was with you for ten years then obviously she wanted to be with you. Now she's lost feelings for you and/or not happy in the relationship. Doesn't mean that she was only using you for ten years. Unless you can give more back story in what ways she was previously using you.

I don't really understand why you're saying either she needs to reconcile with you and you'll stay with her and help with the children. Or you'll leave and leave her by herself to do everything. How old are your children? I don't think it matters if you're with your ex or not in regards to helping with the children. They're yours kids too so just because you're not with her, are you going to abandon them? If she doesn't want to continue the relationship then move out and organise custody arrangements. Take care of your kids just as a father should. But you don't have to live with your ex or help her with only her stuff to do that.