My boyfriend broke up with me but instantly revoked it. Do I need to be so hurt?

[houseofballoons]

Hi all, and thanks in advance for any advice given.
 

My boyfriend and I have only officially been together 3 months. In this time, I have been very happy with how things have progressed and really feel like he is a really good boyfriend. Prior to us getting together, we were friends who had conflicting feelings for one another - we both didn’t necessarily want a relationship but it just happened. He was very open with me about his insecurities as he was scared of “wasting my time”. I set this precedent as I didn’t want to start a relationship unless he was sure he liked me enough, alas, he did.

 

Yesterday, we had our first “incident”. A conversation arose regarding his feelings. He told me he still wasn’t 100% and that he didn’t know if he was mature enough for this. I will admit this was prompted by my own drunken nagging. My feelings were incoherent as I was just visibly upset but not expressing anything (again, we were in a bar!) and at a certain point I began to ask “is this it, is this it” until he finally said “yes.” He was also crying ATP.

Fast forward not even 2 minutes later, he revokes this statement as he said he did selfishly want to be with me, and would much rather be with me than not, but that my reaction and our emotional mess made him think I expected more from him - he has had doubts surrounding whether or not he should be doing or feeling more at this stage, ( he had intended to speak to me about this, just not right there and then ) and my inexplicable crying, pushing, etc confirmed those doubts, so he broke up with me for all of 5 minutes.

We spoke afterwards about these doubts in detail. All of what he said was fine - we’re at an early stage, we’re happy, but we’re not in love or planning long into the future. I was comfortable with the conversation we had as I feel we’re on the same page, only difference is he’s insecure about where he should be at and was worried for my happiness, thinking I would want more etc, whereas I’m not stressed about how peaceful and non-intense everything is.

My issue is that after the “break-up”, I find it hard to believe this is what he really wants. He told me he had no prior intentions to break up and that he’s happy day to day. I asked him 100 times over if he did really want to proceed and he said yes, but I can’t get the incident out of my head. The conversation as a stand alone was completely okay, but coupled with the 2 minute “break up”, I am questioning if he really does feel enough for me or that if we should be in love at this stage. I was happy with how natural things seemed to be going, but now I’m just waiting for him to really break up with me out of nowhere. It really hurt me and I’m not sure how to get over it. Should I be concerned? Or is this something I can get over?

[Wiseman2]

11 minutes ago, houseofballoons said:

. Prior to us getting together, we were friends who had conflicting feelings for one another - we both didn’t necessarily want a relationship but it just happened. He was very open with me about his insecurities as he was scared of “wasting my time”

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately it seems he just wanted to slide into FWB. After 12 weeks it was fine to ask him what was going on and unfortunately it confirmed that he's just interested in casual.

Reflect if you are in fact "wasting your time" and if you want to be with someone who feels "meh" about you. Perhaps save yourself some headaches and heartaches ahead and consider cutting your losses. 

[Jaunty]

You're asking if you "need" to be hurt, and if you "should" be in love.  

You feel what you feel.  You are either hurt or you aren't, you either are in love with him, or you aren't.

I'm concerned about your "drunken nagging" and fighting and crying with your boyfriend in a bar.  Also asking him anything "100 times over."   It sounds like a whole bunch of dysfunctional drama.

[Capricorn3]

12 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I'm concerned about your "drunken nagging" and fighting and crying with your boyfriend in a bar.  Also asking him anything "100 times over."   It sounds like a whole bunch of dysfunctional drama.

I was thinking the same thing with both of them crying in a bar. Yikes.

OP, this doesn't sound like a compatible relationship.  It's still early days - I say cut your losses and move on.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Capricorn3 said:

I was thinking the same thing with both of them crying in a bar. Yikes.

OP, this doesn't sound like a compatible relationship.  It's still early days - I say cut your losses and move on.

I could not agree more.  Stop being his reassuring mama about whether he should be with you.  Ick.  If he ever realizes he wants to be with you in a mature adult way he knows where to find you -he'll risk losing you of course but from the beginning this guy was wishy washy and you had to lead him by the nose.  Ick.

[MissCanuck]

11 hours ago, houseofballoons said:

I was happy with how natural things seemed to be going

No, you weren't, or you wouldn't have initiated this conversation with him in the bar, no matter how drunk you were. Obviously something was bothering you. 

11 hours ago, houseofballoons said:

I’m not stressed about how peaceful and non-intense everything is.

Again, I don't think you are being very honest with yourself. Something was not sitting right with you for this to have boiled over. 

Look, real talk: this guy doesn't feel the same way you do. You realize this, on some level. At 3 months, he is still having all kinds of doubts and it's pretty clear this is not going to become the sort of relationship you are probably seeking.

I would take all of this as the sign that it's not the right match. He isn't going to stick around and it will hurt a lot more the second time he breaks up with you. 

[poorlittlefish]

3 months is long enough to know whether you want to be in a relationship with someone.  He doesn't.  The more time you stay while he supposedly figures it out is time you could be spending on finding someone more compatible.  

[Kwothe28]

You never stated your age. But by what you wrote and whole drama, I would say "high school" age. Or at least 2 people who act like they are in one. Both are not really reflecting good on both of you. If you are a high school age, you both are maybe not serious about the whole relationship thing. So, the issues like you described are a thing. You are maybe not there emotionally nore are serious to commit. And that is fine. But then you need to know that yes, its really not that serious or stable. Hence why breaking and getting together in one night.

[houseofballoons]

We’re both 20, so I would say you’re not really too far off. 
 

I understand my pushing etc and initiating the conversation was definitely a sign of immaturity on my part, despite me having a couple drinks. I guess I was probably looking for validation or reassurance that I shouldn’t have been looking for. That was wrong of me. The whole situation was not particularly mature and I am very much willing to admit that. 
 

I’m serious in the sense that I like him and care about him very, very much. And I’m willing to do/try this. I’m not obsessed, nor am I looking to be with him “forever and ever”. That to me is juvenile and at this stage in the relationship where we’re at is fine. 
 

My concern is that I feel overall upset from that bar “incident” and I’m now unsure as to whether or not I can trust that he wants this, even though the conversation that followed reassured me. It may just be due to the nature of me being upset. 

[houseofballoons]

25 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You never stated your age. But by what you wrote and whole drama, I would say "high school" age. Or at least 2 people who act like they are in one. Both are not really reflecting good on both of you. If you are a high school age, you both are maybe not serious about the whole relationship thing. So, the issues like you described are a thing. You are maybe not there emotionally nore are serious to commit. And that is fine. But then you need to know that yes, its really not that serious or stable. Hence why breaking and getting together in one night.

 

We’re both 20, so you’re not really too far off

I understand my pushing etc and initiating the conversation was definitely a sign of immaturity on my part, despite me having a couple drinks. I guess I was probably looking for validation or reassurance that I shouldn’t have been looking for. That was wrong of me. The whole situation was not particularly mature and I am very much willing to admit that. 
 

I’m serious in the sense that I like him and care about him very, very much. And I’m willing to do/try this. I’m not obsessed, nor am I looking to be with him “forever and ever”. That to me is juvenile and at this stage in the relationship where we’re at is fine. 
 

My concern is that I feel overall upset from that bar “incident” and I’m now unsure as to whether or not I can trust that he wants this, even though the conversation that followed reassured me. It may just be due to the nature of me being upset. 

[houseofballoons]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, you weren't, or you wouldn't have initiated this conversation with him in the bar, no matter how drunk you were. Obviously something was bothering you. 

Again, I don't think you are being very honest with yourself. Something was not sitting right with you for this to have boiled over. 

Look, real talk: this guy doesn't feel the same way you do. You realize this, on some level. At 3 months, he is still having all kinds of doubts and it's pretty clear this is not going to become the sort of relationship you are probably seeking.

I would take all of this as the sign that it's not the right match. He isn't going to stick around and it will hurt a lot more the second time he breaks up with you. 

 

I understand my pushing etc and initiating the conversation was definitely a sign of immaturity on my part, despite me having a couple drinks. I guess I was probably looking for validation or reassurance that I shouldn’t have been looking for. That was wrong of me. The whole situation was not particularly mature and I am very much willing to admit that. 
 

I’m serious in the sense that I like him and care about him very, very much. And I’m willing to do/try this. I’m not obsessed, nor am I looking to be with him “forever and ever”. That to me is juvenile and at this stage in the relationship where we’re at is fine. 
 

My concern is that I feel overall upset from that bar “incident” and I’m now unsure as to whether or not I can trust that he wants this, even though the conversation that followed reassured me. It may just be due to the nature of me being upset. 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, houseofballoons said:

 I feel overall upset from that bar “incident” and I’m now unsure as to whether or not I can trust that he wants this, even though the conversation that followed reassured me. It may just be due to the nature of me being upset. 

There's nothing wrong with asking what's up after 3 months. The problem is he wants casual FWB, but you're more invested. 

He was ready to toss the relationship in the snap of a finger. Think about that.

The only reason he "reassured" you was because this FWB arrangement suits him.

Please be honest with and true to yourself. You don't have to settle for someone who after 3 months is just coasting along for sex. 

[MissCanuck]

22 minutes ago, houseofballoons said:

My concern is that I feel overall upset from that bar “incident”

Rightly so. It is not a good sign that he opted to dump you. The truth of this came out right there. There is no undoing that. 

22 minutes ago, houseofballoons said:

I guess I was probably looking for validation or reassurance that I shouldn’t have been looking for. That was wrong of me.

Why do you feel this is wrong? 

You're trying to blame yourself for what is a pretty normal need. Most of us at 3 months would want to feel some reassurance from whomever we are dating. The way you went about it was not great, but really, it's beside the point. The point is that you evidently hadn't been feeling very confident about where you stand with him,  which clearly stems from the hesitation he's displayed from the beginning. 

After 3 months he's still having doubts. What is normally the honeymoon phase is not going well and he's iffy. You are back-pedalling and minimzing your own desires to suit a guy who is not that into you. If he were, this thread would not exist. 

You can keep dating him if you want, but keep your expectations very low. I wouldn't even call him my boyfriend, personally. He is nowhere near invested enough for that, girl. 

[houseofballoons]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Rightly so. It is not a good sign that he opted to dump you. The truth of this came out right there. There is no undoing that. 

Why do you feel this is wrong? 

You're trying to blame yourself for what is a pretty normal need. Most of us at 3 months would want to feel some reassurance from whomever we are dating. The way you went about it was not great, but really, it's beside the point. The point is that you evidently hadn't been feeling very confident about where you stand with him,  which clearly stems from the hesitation he's displayed from the beginning. 

After 3 months he's still having doubts. What is normally the honeymoon phase is not going well and he's iffy. You are back-pedalling and minimzing your own desires to suit a guy who is not that into you. If he were, this thread would not exist. 

You can keep dating him if you want, but keep your expectations very low. I wouldn't even call him my boyfriend, personally. He is nowhere near invested enough for that, girl. 

I do think I prompted that “break-up”. He told me he had never before considered it and I was the one who kept asking “is this it” etc until he said yes. 
 

I cannot express how well he treats me, besides from this. This made me trust that things were okay for him and that he’s happy. Which he still maintains he is. In comparison to other experiences I’ve had, he is by far the best boyfriend I’ve had. I’m guessing me looking for that reassurance was just me wanting attention because I was drunk or perhaps stemming from how things began, NOT because I feel he is a bad boyfriend etc. 

[MissCanuck]

3 minutes ago, houseofballoons said:

He told me he had never before considered it

He didn't have to. He's been clear he isn't sure he wants a relationship with you but you have stayed anyway. He's been indireclty warning you from the beginning that he's got a foot out the door. And yet you're still there. Easy-peasy for him. 

7 minutes ago, houseofballoons said:

I cannot express how well he treats me, besides from this

But "this" matters a lot in a relationship. Treating you well is great but it's not the same as committing to you. 

8 minutes ago, houseofballoons said:

he is by far the best boyfriend I’ve had.

This is just kind of sad, honestly. It tells me you have never really known what it's like to date a man who is genuinely into you and wants an actual relationship. What you have described about your time together is...not that great. 

10 minutes ago, houseofballoons said:

I’m guessing me looking for that reassurance was just me wanting attention because I was drunk

Nah. It was your truth coming out, unfiltered, that it doesn't feel very good to date a guy knowing he is so on-the-fence about you. 

Take it from someone who is twice your age and has been where you are: wishy-washy guys will only hurt you, in the end. Simple as that. 

 

[smackie9]

IMO he's not emotionally where he should be with you. This is an imbalance, and things like this will continue to happen. It's best to call it quits. He's not that into you the way you are into him. At 3 months, and there are doubts...I would just walk away. Not worth it. He even warned you in the beginning of his instability/insecurities...that was your warning.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 12/2/2023 at 12:09 PM, houseofballoons said:

My boyfriend and I have only officially been together 3 months.

Have you heard of the "3-month rule"? 

From www.wikihow.com: 

"The 3-month rule is a 90-day trial period where a couple “tests out” a relationship to see if they're compatible. During the 90 days, couples learn about each other's likes, dislikes, and possible red flags. At the end of the 3 months, couples discuss if they want to pursue a long-term relationship."

It would appear at the end of this 3-month period, you want to pursue a relationship but HE doesn't. 

That's my read on it anyway

You can give him more time if you want, perhaps he'll catch up to you, but I wouldn't count on it.

I'm sorry OP this isn't looking good. 😔 

 

 

[Jaunty]

18 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Have you heard of the "3-month rule"? 

From www.wikihow.com: 

"The 3-month rule is a 90-day trial period where a couple “tests out” a relationship to see if they're compatible. During the 90 days, couples learn about each other's likes, dislikes, and possible red flags. At the end of the 3 months, couples discuss if they want to pursue a long-term relationship."

Did wikihow.com invent this "rule"?  I've never heard of it.   Who knew there was a rule for when people discuss whether to pursue a relationship.

As far as I'm concerned, if people are screaming and crying in a bar, it doesn't matter if it's their second date or they've been married for 10 years, it's NOT HAPPENING.

[rainbowsandroses]

23 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Did wikihow.com invent this "rule"?  I've never heard of it.   Who knew there was a rule for when people discuss whether to pursue a relationship.

Lol, no wiki didn't invent it; it's a common "thing" that's been discussed and written about often.

John Gray also discusses it in his Mars/Venus series of books, articles and videos.  So do others (reputable relationship therapists).

The 3-month mark is significant in that it typically (not always) signifies the next stage in the relationship.

It's uncanny how many posts I've read about the shift that occurs just around 3 months.  Just like in this thread. 

Either a pulling back, a break up or a desire for more.  More time, more commitment.

I'm surprised you've never heard of it. 

Sadly in the OP's case after three months, they're not on the same page and best to part ways.

[rainbowsandroses]

On 12/2/2023 at 12:09 PM, houseofballoons said:

My boyfriend and I have only officially been together 3 months.

On 12/2/2023 at 12:09 PM, houseofballoons said:

Yesterday, we had our first “incident”. A conversation arose regarding his feelings. He told me he still wasn’t 100% and that he didn’t know if he was mature enough for this. 

This is precisely what I'm referring to. 

I mean it's uncanny that at exactly the 3-month mark, he suddenly announces he doesn't know if he's mature enough for a relationship.

I don't know what it is about 3 months but there is definitely something to this "rule" no matter who invented it.

It happens too often to be mere coincidence imo.

[Batya33]

My friend's wife -when they were dating in the 90s -they met on a dating site- used to say that until 2-3 months of dating it really meant nothing as far as serious potential.  Definitely see her point.  And this was when they were  dating a couple of months -past the 3 months

[boltnrun]

When he said he did in fact want the relationship...why did you feel the need to ask him NINETY NINE more times?

I can say I wouldn't have wanted to continue dating if my partner kept asking me over and over and OVER if I really wanted to be with them. 

[Coily]

On 12/2/2023 at 3:09 PM, houseofballoons said:

Yesterday, we had our first “incident”. A conversation arose regarding his feelings. He told me he still wasn’t 100% and that he didn’t know if he was mature enough for this. I will admit this was prompted by my own drunken nagging. My feelings were incoherent as I was just visibly upset but not expressing anything (again, we were in a bar!) and at a certain point I began to ask “is this it, is this it” until he finally said “yes.” He was also crying ATP.

While there a level of truth from the bottom of a pint glass, I think this moment is not one to judge your relationship's future from. The Nagging over the relationship will often result in a terse negative reaction, the drinking just made it that much worse.

Right now let things lay, overthinking this will only give you a negative feedback loop. In a week's time, then you can really reflect and see where this relationship is going from your angle. As you admitted you set the tone for the relationship, so you both went into limbo mode.

Now, it may be time to throw in the towel, there may be somthings you can work through. But you need to think this through on how you feel and want this relationship to work.

[Jaunty]

He treats you well probably because he is a decent guy.  It doesn't mean that he was all-in to starting a relationship with you. 

You definitely started off on the wrong foot, with him telling you outright that he was concerned about "wasting your time."  

If I were in your position, I would not feel confident in this relationship.   It would be fine for casual dating but not enough for the real deal.