Come along for Losts online dating adventure!

[lostandhurt]

42 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

What?!!  How did you respond to this^^.  What did she "see" (i.e assume) what you were doing 'there'?  Manipulating her into having gasp, sex with her? 

She said it in a joking way with a smile on her face. It was early on and I was steering the kissing to a more passionate direction.  I didn't feel like she was accusing me of anything, it was more of how you feel each  other out (figuratively not literally) early on to see how things will progress and how fast or slow.  

Everyone is different and everyone whether they want to admit it or not is affected by their past.  I haven't asked her why because it doesn't matter, what does matter is that she has been clear with me on expectations and the speed she is comfortable with and I will respect that. 

 She did make a comment very early on like before we met that when the time is right "she will give me that" meaning sex.  During our second date I set her straight that I do not want to be with a woman that feels like she is giving me sex, if she doesn't want it then it is not happening.  The last thing I want is someone looking at sex/intimacy as a chore or duty.  She has commented a few times how confident I am I guess because of the way I clearly state how I feel not worrying how she will react. 

 She is special to me so seeing how this all plays out is absolutely not an issue for me.  It isn't like I meet women like her every week.  We do share a lot of similar interests, have fun together and get along well.

Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

20 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

She said it in a joking way with a smile on her face. It was early on and I was steering the kissing to a more passionate direction.  I didn't feel like she was accusing me of anything, it was more of how you feel each  other out (figuratively not literally) early on to see how things will progress and how fast or slow.  

Thank you for clarifying and with the context you provided it makes sense!  👍 

I went through something similar on my thread after mentioning a comment my now-ex made in a jokey playful way, so I completely understand!

Continue enjoying Lost, with the context you provided, it all sounds very positive!  😀

[Starlight925]

I think it all sounds positive & playful!

With my last BF, I kept wondering when he'd make the "big move".  About 2 months in, I made the move, and he happily went along with it.  Afterwards (and I mean, right after), he said he had been waiting for me to make the move because he knew that when I did, it would be because I was truly comfortable.  

Keep us posted, sounds like you like her!  And she obviously likes you, because pretty girls don't hang around guys they don't like!

[poorlittlefish]

This woman is 55 years old, so she will either have been through menopause or is going through it.  At that stage of life, it is very common for women's interest in sex to diminish or go completely because of the changes in hormone levels etc.  I think you may need to bear that in mind.

[DarkCh0c0]

Ugh... I don't get the negative opinions. She's 55. She's acting like someone who's been there, done that, and knows her comfortable pace. She's vocal about it. And it's fitting considering her age.

Sounds great to me. No matter how it goes, enjoy! We want you happy and found 😊

[rainbowsandroses]

@lostandhurt, it's quite possible at this stage in her life, she's not seeking "sparks" or even sexual chemistry as much as a man with whom she can feel emotionally safe, who desires and is capable of long term commitment and building a solid relationship and life together.

I posted the below excerpt from CNN.com on @yogacat 'Modern Dating' thread written by a psychologist whose been counseling individuals and couples for many years. 

What he has discovered in his practice is that there's been a shift in the paradigm of what people are seeking long term and how they are conducting their relationships that is more likely to lead to long term commitment.

Thought it might be of interest to you (and others) and relevant here. 

TBH, I'm leaning towards this new paradigm myself!

____

>>Another big change recently has been the way people enter marriages, said Ian Kerner, a licensed marriage and family therapist and CNN contributor.

“In my practice over the last decade, I’ve noticed a gradual shift from the ‘romantic marriage’ to the ‘companionate marriage,’ meaning that people are increasingly choosing spouses at the outset who are more like best friends than passion-partners,” Kerner said via email.

Doing so may lead to problems with attraction, but it also means those people are choosing partners based on qualities likely to promote long-term stability and satisfaction, he said in a previous CNN article.

“At its bare minimum, the concept of commitment implies the experience of being bonded with another. At its very best, it means being bonded with someone who is a consistent safe and secure home base that will be there for you in the face of any adversities,” said Dr. Monica O’Neal, a Boston psychologist, in a recent CNN article.<<

END OF ARTICLE 

 

 

 

[boltnrun]

I guess I'm supposed to be disinterested in sex at my age but I'm still a horndog lol. 

Maybe she wants to fall in love with you before you two share sex. 

[lostandhurt]

7 hours ago, poorlittlefish said:

At that stage of life, it is very common for women's interest in sex to diminish or go completely because of the changes in hormone levels etc.  I think you may need to bear that in mind.

I have dated women a few years older than me and they all were still VERY interested in sex. I am not a woman and have no idea how they feel but I do know everyone is different and in time I will discover what her level of interest is.  What I will not do is go into this with perceived ideas of what she likes and does not like based on her age.  Heck I still think and act like a 25 yr old.

6 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Ugh... I don't get the negative opinions. She's 55. She's acting like someone who's been there, done that, and knows her comfortable pace. She's vocal about it. And it's fitting considering her age.

 This is human nature to gravitate towards the negative more so now than any other time in human history unfortunately.  I am trying to go into this like when we were all young and just met someone and got to know them, no baggage, no looking for red flags or anything like that just letting it happen.  I am no smuck and have my eyes wide open as we get to know each other.

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

choosing spouses at the outset who are more like best friends than passion-partners,”

I have plenty of friends, what I don't have is someone I can share true intimacy with whether emotional or physical. 

52 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I guess I'm supposed to be disinterested in sex at my age but I'm still a horndog lol. 

Maybe she wants to fall in love with you before you two share sex. 

Um.....Did I mention I have green eyes 😉 

She told me when we were laying in bed talking about sex "We are not in love, I want to know you way better before we get to that"    I am a what you see is what you get type of person and she is very open about expressing herself which I really like.

I do really appreciate all of your opinions and I can tell many of you are just looking out for me so I don't get hurt.  I am not afraid of getting hurt as I know it will not destroy me and in fact it makes me stronger.  Would it suck?  Yes  Would I feel like it was a waste of time?  No.  If you never take the bat off your shoulder you will never strike out but you also will never have a chance at hitting a home run either.

Lost

[Batya33]

I can't wait to hear what you're willing to share about your next date! I agree with you.  Glad you're taking the risk.

[boltnrun]

35 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Um.....Did I mention I have green eyes 😉 

I see what you did there!

I do think things are going well from what you've shared. 

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I can't wait to hear what you're willing to share about your next date! I agree with you.  Glad you're taking the risk.

Today in a few hours is our next date.  I am looking forward to seeing her.  No set plans other than grabbing something to eat and hanging out.  Weather is crap here right now cold and windy so it sounds like an inside date.  NO SEX  though 🤪

Lost

[lostandhurt]

3 hours ago, boltnrun said:

I see what you did there!

Whaaaaat? Me?

Just kidding around......mostly

Lost

[boltnrun]

Have fun!

BTW, my grandfather was a hottie with curly jet black hair and green eyes. Sadly, while I got the curly black hair I did not get the green eyes. 

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

.I have plenty of friends, what I don't have is someone I can share true intimacy with whether emotional or physical. 

Agree. You've earned the right to manage your own expectations and dating life. So has this lady. She seems appropriately cautious yet interested and that's a good thing.

She wouldn't be on dating apps if she were a dried up frigid  woman looking to friendzone men. .

Enjoy your dates and whatever pace suits you both. 

[rainbowsandroses]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

She wouldn't be on dating apps if she were a dried up frigid  woman looking to friendzone men. .

LOL, I hardly think that is what the psychologist was referring to in the article I posted.  I think you know that too..... and so does Lost.  

I certainly didn't interpret it as couples seeking to be in "friendzone" with each other, but whatever we all interpret things in our own way.

Anyway @Lost, yeah you do you obviously, but I do think the article has merit in that many couples are choosing safety, stability and qualities leading to a long term commitment versus "sparks," "chemistry," and the high that goes along with those things, which can be fleeting.  Not always but for many couples, the couples he sees in his practice, perhaps they are. 

That's all.   It does not mean NO attraction or NO sexual intimacy.  Only that it's not the priority.  That is how I interpreted it anyway.

Have fun tonight, be sure to update!😍

 

 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

LOL, I hardly think that is what the psychologist was referring to in the article I posted, geez!  I think you know that too..... and so does Lost.  

I certainly didn't interpret it as couples seeking to be in "friendzone" with each other, but whatever we all interpret things in our own way.

Anyway @Lost, yeah you do you obviously, but I do think the article has merit in that couples are choosing safety, stability and qualities leading to a long term commitment versus "sparks," "chemistry," and the high that goes along with those things, which can be fleeting.

That's all.... 

Have fun tonight, be sure to update!😍

 

 

How sad. I wanted both. I got both. When I didn’t have the chemistry part I made myself not settle. Thank goodness. If the chemistry was fleeting or based on like thrill of the chase that wasn’t good either. Sparks can fade and be revived. Chemistry isn’t just lust and isn’t just based on sex. 
We’re 57. I’m done with menopause for a few years. Our romantic life and connection is important to us. I’m not 80 and even if I were why would a person based on age stop wanting a spark with their long term person? I totally can see if I were 80 and widowed I might seek more of a companion to go on dates with and do activities. And not care about romance but for me personally it would be because I specifically just wanted an activity partner and liked the sort of flirting and banter with a male companion. Lost is dating a woman who wants to have sex and take it slow. That’s very different. And I’ll say if she wanted sex right away it wouldn’t necessarily mean she was looking for romance.
 

people go for early sex for lots of reasons. Like validation or it’s fun or a quick orgasm. A change from self pleasure. Insecurity that you don’t have more to offer. Who knows. Doesn’t mean the person is looking for chemistry or passion at all. 
They seem nicely and well matched and so cute together so far !!

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

 

 

[Capricorn3]

Can members please refrain from back-and-forth arguing/debating.  It's both detracting and disrespectful to the OP. This is about Lost's dating adventures - lets keep it at that. Thanks.

[Batya33]

33 minutes ago, Capricorn3 said:

Can members please refrain from back-and-forth arguing/debating.  It's both detracting and disrespectful to the OP. This is about Lost's dating adventures - lets keep it at that. Thanks.

I apologize - I felt attacked and should have kept scrolling.  I've deleted my comments including the on topic ones.

[lostandhurt]

Update from last nights date.

 Date went really well with us grabbing something to eat and even moments of silence on the drive here and there did not feel awkward which she mentioned later in the evening.  Back at her place we talked and relaxed on the couch with just the radio on.  The conversation was great and we get a long very well.  Like I mentioned I was a little concerned about her desire or libido not matching mine or even coming close so I asked her about a few comments she had made that lead me to believe perhaps she felt more like sex was more of something that was expected instead of something she desired.  I have found over all these years that just because you do not ask the question it does not change the answer.  To be straight with you all I was worried that she would answer in a way that would cause me to end what was an awesome connection.  I was not afraid to ask the question(s) as I knew it was better now than later.  Not to go into her private past on here but she assured me she does enjoy sex but she was worried about how often I might want to as it may not be as often as she does. I told her straight out that I will absolutely want it way more than she does but that does not mean I expect it.  She revealed several things to me which helped me understand where she is coming from.  All in all it was a good conversation and we both felt better for it.

 We then had the exclusive talk (yes it was a big night for big topics) and I made it clear I was only interested in her and no one else.  I chose her and wanted her to know where I stand on what is building between us.  She asked some what ifs.  What if someone I dated or an ex comes sniffing around type of questions.  I assured her that when I choose it is because this is what I want, not what I want right now or until something better may happen along.  She told me she wants to be exclusive with me as well and has not looked at any dating sites since our second date but her profile is still up.  I did not tell her what to do but I let her know that I will ask her one day very soon if her profiles are still up and if she answers yes I am out right then and there. She understood completely. 

We are an exclusive dating couple and after that talk I could feel her walls coming down.  I admire and respect how she is so open and sticks to her guns on what and when things progress.  Of course time will tell but that is what dating is at the end of the day, a leap of faith in someone else.  As we cuddled and things got more warm lets say she did start some deal making with herself on how long she wanted to wait.  I teased her a little that I was not that easy and she needs to work for it. All in all it was the most relaxed and open conversation I have ever had with a woman about what can be tough subjects to bring up and discuss. This is all still very new and in 2 months we both may realize we are not meant to be together but I have a very good feeling about all this.

 So it looks like this concludes Lost's Online Dating adventure I hope forever.  I will stop in on this thread with updates as time goes by for sure instead of starting a new thread "Lost's Dating Adventure"

 I want to thank all of you for your support and encouragement.  I appreciate you all. 

 Still Lost on here but I may have been found by the right woman...

 

[Batya33]

Sounds like a lovely, fun and also deep evening! Whole package!

Logistic question -in the old days I actually messed up on hiding my profile once my future husband and I got back together.  It was nothing -it was my mistake as to thinking I had, when I had not - and we didn't meet online, etc but these days is it easier or do you have to be specific about what hidden means -does it means she removes all her profile/photos or just "hides" it? Had my husband cared about that he would have found mine still active in a way and may have jumped to wrong conclusions. I took care of it as soon as I realized -back then actually required a call to the site.

[Starlight925]

Awesome update!

The only odd thing is, if I were her, I'd have pulled out my phone and deleted my profile right in front of you, after you had that discussion.  

I'd want there to be no questions.  None of this "is it hidden or deleted" stuff, none of this "if I find it's still up I'm outta here" stuff.

I've been in a relationship where that stuff got really muddy, so I'd expect it to be deleted by this morning.

But I'm obviously not privy to your entire conversation, so for now, I'll wish you both the very best and hope to hear more great news from you!

 

[LootieTootie]

I love this - it's refreshing to read your posts in this thread, Lost.

If I was her, I would be so happy that I wasn't the one who brought up dating app deletion and exclusivity. Those can be tough subjects early on. But it seems like that didnt even bothered you one bit to bring it up. Gotta love the confidence. Hopefully she gives you brownie points for that. 😁

[lostandhurt]

16 hours ago, Batya33 said:

does it means she removes all her profile/photos or just "hides" it?

As long as it is no longer visible and active.  If she simply hides it for now like I did that is fine with me.  If it stays visible it will show me that she is not as serious about this as I am.  You can actually hide it, delete it or set it to not receive messages but it is still visible and can receive likes. I would not be okay with the last option.  This is not a test, this a choice for her to make. 

Lost

[lostandhurt]

15 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

The only odd thing is, if I were her, I'd have pulled out my phone and deleted my profile right in front of you, after you had that discussion.  

Like I said it was not a test and I may have said she doesn't have to do it this second but it needs to be done very soon. I will not demand or insist on anything, life is full of choices and I want her to make her own because that is what she wants not because of pressure from me.

 She could have deleted it right in front of me or hid it only to unhide it later.  There will be undoubtedly over 50 messages from men in her inbox since she met me so this is her chance to go through them and make a choice. Very attractive women have men coming at them from all kinds of angles all the time like social media, online dating or in person.  I am not looking to lock her down and keep the competition away, I want her to truly choose me as I have chosen her. I made my position clear so she knows, the rest is up to her.

Lost