Come along for Losts online dating adventure!

[lostandhurt]

10 hours ago, LootieTootie said:

Those can be tough subjects early on. But it seems like that didnt even bothered you one bit to bring it up. Gotta love the confidence. Hopefully she gives you brownie points for that

She has commented on my confidence a few times and finds it attractive.  I made sure to ask if I come off as cocky or just confident though.  I am not confident because I think I have her hooked and she will tolerate me talking about this stuff, I am confident in who I am and what I want.  I phrased it in such as way as "this is how I feel and what I am doing" so she didn't have to wonder where I was at or coming from allowing her to convey her feelings.  Thankfully we are on the same page at the same time.  That is  not always the case.

Lost 

[poorlittlefish]

I don't think you can agree to be in an exclusive relationship, but keep your profile up on dating sites where other potential mates will 'like' you and send you messages.  I'm all for freedom of choice and leaving the ball in her court, but I'm surprised she didn't make the decision there and then.  

[Batya33]

5 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

As long as it is no longer visible and active.  If she simply hides it for now like I did that is fine with me.  If it stays visible it will show me that she is not as serious about this as I am.  You can actually hide it, delete it or set it to not receive messages but it is still visible and can receive likes. I would not be okay with the last option.  This is not a test, this a choice for her to make. 

Lost

Yes - honestly I always saw complete removal as too drastic early on where hidden did the trick. I didn't think you were testing her at all.  I am so glad you're enjoying each other!

[LotusBlack]

On 2/18/2024 at 1:45 AM, lostandhurt said:

Interesting.  I have a few extremely attractive women acquaintances and while talking about OLD they showed me their profile and then messages.  They received a lot of messages, now they are 10 years younger than I am so that might be it.

 Hey I am on there to meet someone so I send messages and reply to the ones I am interested in.  I have in the past received messages from women without profile pics and when I saw their pics the first thing I thought was "this is a fake profile" "she is way to attractive to be interested in me"  I was wrong each time.

 I wonder how different regions affect online dating results?

Lost 

I’m 37 but often get told I look in my late 20s by most everyone l meet.

I just subscribed to Hinge (been out of the dating game about 12 years - other than meeting my ex-husband 5 years ago (a relationship that lasted only a couple of years and didn’t really involve dating; we met and then were inseparable for a time) and ended 2 years ago. I’ve not dated since).

Despite my thinking otherwise, I am often told in person and online I am attractive. I’m well educated from a top tier uni. I’m still outgoing and active - love to hike, rock climb, travel, etc. On paper, I seem to be a decent catch. My profile pics got a lot of likes in the first 24 hours (about 50) and my profile info/comments/etc. get a lot of likes too, but they are almost exclusively from men in their 50s and 60s (despite my search parameter being aged between 32-42) and have since almost completely dropped off.

Yet, I have had 2 messages since I subscribed 3 days ago. My search area is within a 3-4 hour distance (being that I am in regional Australia and my capital city is 1.5 hours away, a wider search area is necessary) and still I have almost zero replies to messages or people initiating messages, even from men who liked my profile. 

I do sometimes get approached IRL by young guys in their early 20s who assume I am much younger than I am. But, here I am, still single without a lot of direct contact or dates materialising. I don’t think women get as many likes and messages as you think and when I do it is often by men who don’t bother at all to read my profile or they address me straight up as, “Hey beautiful”, which is extremely off-putting when I don’t know them from a bar of soap and can see their interest is only in having sex. 

The legitimate dating opportunities are few and far between, even for young, seemingly attractive women.

[rainbowsandroses]

@Lost, you had the exclusivity talk on Saturday; just out of curiosity is her profile still up and visible?  

If so, have you given yourself a time limit on how long you'll be okay with that and/or ask her about it again?

Whatever it's worth, when I did OLDing, the second we decided on exclusivity, I hid my profile. 

@LotusBlacktry another app?  I recall getting slammed the first few days, it was so overwhelming, I hid my profile so I could read them all without getting hit with more.

Also may depend on where you live, I live in SoCal, there are tons of singles here, many (most) use dating apps. 

In my experience, men on the apps are always on the lookout for fresh new female blood.  LOL

 

[lostandhurt]

On 4/1/2024 at 12:40 AM, poorlittlefish said:

I don't think you can agree to be in an exclusive relationship, but keep your profile up on dating sites where other potential mates will 'like' you and send you messages.  I'm all for freedom of choice and leaving the ball in her court, but I'm surprised she didn't make the decision there and then.  

I agree but she didn't need to grab her phone that second to validate our discussion.  In fact letting her choose when and where without me looking over her shoulder is a sign of trust on my part.  Either I trust her or I do not.  I choose to trust her.

Lost

[lostandhurt]

On 4/1/2024 at 3:12 AM, Batya33 said:

honestly I always saw complete removal as too drastic early on where hidden did the trick.

I agree.  Simply taking yourself off the market so to speak by hiding it early on is a good choice.

Lost

[lostandhurt]

13 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

@Lost, you had the exclusivity talk on Saturday; just out of curiosity is her profile still up and visible?  

We cooked dinner together at her place last night and I totally forgot to ask. I see her again towards the end of the week so I will bring it up then in person.

Lost

[lostandhurt]

14 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

and still I have almost zero replies to messages or people initiating messages, even from men who liked my profile. 

I agree change apps, this one is not working for you.

 

14 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

The legitimate dating opportunities are few and far between, even for young, seemingly attractive women.

I know it can feel like that but I assure you there are men out there looking for more than a hookup.  The older guys sending you messages is just what happens but it shows that the demographic you are shooting for is not on that app.  When you search how many men do you see that you would seriously like to meet?  Lets say you looked at 100 profiles how many in that group on that app would you be willing to meet for a drink?

 Lost

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

I agree but she didn't need to grab her phone that second to validate our discussion.  In fact letting her choose when and where without me looking over her shoulder is a sign of trust on my part.  Either I trust her or I do not.  I choose to trust her.

Lost

Also from all you wrote if she continues to look for options online likely you’ll know like those emails you get with suggested matches or you will - know. Then you can decide. It’s not like trusting someone not to put you at risk for an STD or cheat. She’d be lying. She’d be acting inconsistent with how you’ve explained you prefer things to progress. And if she’s doing that she’ll be “busy” all of a sudden. But. Sounds good. Sounds like you two are on the same page. All that matters IMO. 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

We cooked dinner together at her place last night and I totally forgot to ask. I see her again towards the end of the week so I will bring it up then in person.

Lost

You know what @Lost?   

My advice is forget about the app/site and place your focus solely on the connection you've established/are establishing and moving forward together.  I met my ex-husband on an app and that's what we did.  We never even discussed it.  We were too focused on each other to worry about it and that was true for both of us!

I said earlier the minute we went exclusive, I hid my profile but thinking back, I hid it even before that.  I never told him, there was no reason to, it was not important.  And he never asked.

I have NO idea if he did, it did not matter.  The ONLY thing that was important was spending time getting to know each other and developing our connection/relationship.

This nonsense (which is what I believe it is) about the app - is it hidden, did she delete it, is she still looking/keeping options open will only keeping you anxious and distracted -- which I am glad to see it's not!

I'm with you, I trust unless and until he gives me reason not to.  Has SHE give you reason not to?  NO!!  And so what if it IS still up?   It does NOT mean she's "keeping options open," or exercising those options.  Perhaps it's not important to her either, either way, whether it's hidden or visible.

It's also equally important to have trust in yourself and your own ability to perceive what you're feeling and experiencing accurately and trust your own intuition.

Be happy!! 💛

 

 

[LotusBlack]

3 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

I agree change apps, this one is not working for you.

 

I know it can feel like that but I assure you there are men out there looking for more than a hookup.  The older guys sending you messages is just what happens but it shows that the demographic you are shooting for is not on that app.  When you search how many men do you see that you would seriously like to meet?  Lets say you looked at 100 profiles how many in that group on that app would you be willing to meet for a drink?

 Lost

I think part of my issue is that I “swipe left” to almost everyone. It isn’t that I think the men don‘t have worth or are not good enough, but more so that I quite strongly identify as demi-sexual; I find it very challenging to feel any kind of initial attraction to anyone without first having developed a strong emotional attraction and that can be quite difficult when faced with online matching as the method of initial connection, particularly when their profiles often say very little about themselves. All my past relationships, bar for my marriage, came from long-standing friendships with male friends. But given I am so isolated where I am, I don’t have friends in general.

I think perhaps I am not the idea candidate for OLD. I am not desperately looking, however, so I am okay with seeing how life unfolds and if I meet someone, great, and if I end up by myself at the end of my life, I guess that is also okay. Sad, but okay.

 

[Batya33]

48 minutes ago, LotusBlack said:

I think part of my issue is that I “swipe left” to almost everyone. It isn’t that I think the men don‘t have worth or are not good enough, but more so that I quite strongly identify as demi-sexual; I find it very challenging to feel any kind of initial attraction to anyone without first having developed a strong emotional attraction and that can be quite difficult when faced with online matching as the method of initial connection, particularly when their profiles often say very little about themselves. All my past relationships, bar for my marriage, came from long-standing friendships with male friends. But given I am so isolated where I am, I don’t have friends in general.

I think perhaps I am not the idea candidate for OLD. I am not desperately looking, however, so I am okay with seeing how life unfolds and if I meet someone, great, and if I end up by myself at the end of my life, I guess that is also okay. Sad, but okay.

 

I never felt an initial attraction to a photo.  Or before we met -sometimes if the initial conversation before meeting went really well I would be cautiously optimistic about clicking in person but never assumed so or expected so.  I did date a longstanding male friend -all of a sudden -sparks flew.  I also had a longstanding male friend where there were a few pivotal moments where I knew we could potentially "go there". Nothing ever happened other than he asked me for a date when we first met in grad school and I said no.  I'm glad it didn't happen - he's happily married for over 20 years.

I think OLD is worth the effort only for the extremes  -quick and easy hookups -or forever person.  Otherwise to me it was just so much work when I did it over a 5 year period.

[lostandhurt]

5 hours ago, LotusBlack said:

I think perhaps I am not the idea candidate for OLD.

It all depends on how you use it.  Since you need more than what you see on the apps you will have to take the next step and swipe right on the few that do give you pause.  A quick coffee and discussion will tell you all you need to know.  In your case a first meet is mandatory more often then someone that falls for a few pictures, talks on the phone or texts back and forth and then meets.  You would do best to accelerate it to meeting as soon as possible somewhere public.

 I don't know how popular it is but E Harmony is a question based app where if I remember correctly you can't even see their pictures until the app matches you with a pretty extensive questionnaire with 80 questions.  

OLD is a tool to meet people you might no otherwise run into in your day to day life.  How you use that tool should be your own unique choice.

Lost   

[Wiseman2]

On 4/2/2024 at 12:13 AM, LotusBlack said:

. I have had 2 messages since I subscribed 3 days ago. My search area is within a 3-4 hour distance (being that I am in regional Australia and my capital city is 1.5 hours away, a wider search area is necessary) 

Please try to narrow the distance. You may view it as necessary, but others view it as a red flag.

[JoyfulCompany]

Lost, on the topic of being afraid of a libido mismatch... I would say never underestimate how much of a turn-on is to have a partner who feels safe, open, accepting, appreciative and non-demanding. I personally have different "needs" under different circumstances (single vs. pressured vs. accepted, etc.).

So, you never know until you know. Enjoy and hopefully it will be a match in that department, too.
💕

[LotusBlack]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please try to narrow the distance. You may view it as necessary, but others view it as a red flag.

I did have it at a shorter distance, but not so many people. Also, Australians don’t generally view these kinds of distances as red flags because it’s par of the course of being in Australia. A red flag, to me, is related to one’s character and if someone eliminates me because of my distance, then that is unavoidable and can’t be helped as I am not in a position to move. I do work in the capital city and my location changes to that area when I am there, so I do come across profiles from populated zones.

I’m not really too concerned about whether I meet someone or not. I commented initially just to say that this idea that women get oodles of messages and people interested in them is a bit misguided. I have lived by big busy cities such as Tokyo, London, and Berlin and people are pretty much the same in their communication habits. 

[Sindy_0311]

Look, my post might sound out of purpose, and I completely own it. You opened this thread to share your OLD adventures. And you met a women, I guess I’m not wrong by saying this is the first woman you met in real life since you opened the thread. Let me just say something. I’ve been meeting guys through apps for almost three years now. And frankly, none of them was ready emotionally to get into something serious. At the point that I removed my profile from these apps because NONE of the men I met on these apps were reliable. I’ve met about 50 guys in 3 years, I can’t think of one who was healthy enough to engage in a relationship. 

Now I know that if I meet someone who has a profile online I will have to deal with a complicated persona and I will date him casually only. My man, my partner, I will find find him somewhere in real life, doing my things, when I don’t expect him. 

I hope you found a partner in the lady you are currently dating. But please don’t get to smitten and protect yourself. 

As me and some of my friends would say: it’s no coincidence she is on an OLD app… (I’m on these apps because I have things to resolve too) 

Most men I met on the apps had things going on, were not ready, or not willing to engage in something serious. Statistics say that you have to meet at least 10 person (OLD) to find one that fits you In some way… Maybe I was the unlucky one…

I just say it with my love and consideration, please be cautious  🙏

[JoyfulCompany]

I think we all have things to resolve as long as we're alive. Issues, non-issues, in the end I find it a matter of if we're compatible or not. I have some issues that would be a deal-breaker for some men and not a huge problem for others. And I can happily live with certain issues in my partner. And, btw, some stuff can be resolved only when "exposed" and vulnerable in a relationship.

Here's an anecdote...
Last year I met someone offline who turned out to be a full-blown alcoholic and with a long-term girlfriend. Later I met someone else on an app, who's my now boyfriend and whom I adore. We're both a bit of a homebody with no acquaintances in common or none we know of. There would be nowhere else I could meet him. Even if we had accidentally met, there wouldn't have been a connection in a fast-paced social situation, as we were both reserved in our own ways.
So, as much as I feel majorly uncomfortable using dating apps, there's some value in them beyond the frustration and the statistics.

@Sindy_0311 I'm not trying to invalidate your experience. I know how exhausting it is and I understand your preference to meet someone naturally in real life (I have the same).
My points are:
 - we should be as cautious IRL as in OLD;
 - there must be some balance between hope/trust vs. caution... staying open but also with eyes wide open, something like that;

[lostandhurt]

On 4/3/2024 at 1:40 AM, JoyfulCompany said:

Lost, on the topic of being afraid of a libido mismatch... I would say never underestimate how much of a turn-on is to have a partner who feels safe, open, accepting, appreciative and non-demanding.

 She has commented several times how safe she feels with me.  Of course she is comparing me to several other guys she had met previous to me that wanted only one thing and kept pushing for it so the bar wasn't too high.  I know everyone is different and have unique needs before that wall comes down.  I am content and happy as things move forward at a pace she is comfortable with.

Lost

[lostandhurt]

On 4/3/2024 at 2:50 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

I guess I’m not wrong by saying this is the first woman you met in real life since you opened the thread.

No you are not but I have been down this path more than a few times.  I was auctioned off as a Bachelor 2 years in a row and met tons of women while doing that.  I have done OLD several times, met women in real life and been on countless fix up blind dates.  I know exactly what I am looking for and only agree to meet someone that I see potential in.  In a nutshell I have a pretty good picker.

 

On 4/3/2024 at 2:50 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

frankly, none of them was ready emotionally to get into something serious.

I am not most men.  If you have read anything I add to threads on this forum you can probably see that.  I have been single for 9 years with lots of dates and lots of time between just me living my life hoping to meet someone IRL.  OLD is not therapy for me, it is not a way to hook up or use anyone.  I am really good emotionally, physically and financially and want to share my life with someone special.

On 4/3/2024 at 2:50 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

I just say it with my love and consideration, please be cautious

I have mentioned earlier I am not afraid of being hurt as I know it will not destroy me.  I am strong and confident and trust my instincts.  If this doesn't work out it will be disappointing but my life will go on as it was before we met.  I have a very full life and I do thank you for looking out for me but I like being smitten with her and I like that she is smitten with me.  Being unafraid of taking a leap of faith in someone is not a weakness in my mind, it is one of my strengths.  Having a good picker helps 😉

Lost

[lostandhurt]

On 4/4/2024 at 2:54 AM, JoyfulCompany said:

there must be some balance between hope/trust vs. caution... staying open but also with eyes wide open, something like that;

I totally agree.

There are jerks out there, users, people using dating apps as a form of entertainment, scammers, players, gold diggers, narcissists and on and on BUT there are also really good people out there searching for that someone special.  It is wonderful that you met your bf and are happy.

 If you were to only watch the news to form your view of the human race it isn't hard to think the world is 90% horrible people but there are way more good people out there than bad.

Lost

[Batya33]

I am happily married so that's the disclaimer but Lost I am of a similar age and when I last dated in my late 30s and if -heaven forbid -I had to date now (and if i wished to) I would so welcome  your approach and how you expressed what you were looking for to her, where you stand and what your intentions are.  I met many good men through on line dating sites (and as mentioned previously my husband who is a very good specimen of humanity lol had a profile on and off for a year or so in his 30s)

Edited to add- I wrote this before I read your very recent post. I agree.

[lostandhurt]

A quick update:

 I met her daughter and son in law briefly and it seems I got a passing grade which I knew the daughters approval was important.  I didn't kiss her butt or anything I was just me like I always am.

 We ran an errand together, got some dinner and then went for a walk in a very large park nearby. As we sat and watched the sunset we talked and talked like we do so easily.  Back at her place cuddling I did ask "I assume you hid your profile(s)?" To which she grabbed her phone to show me she had deleted every single app even as I protested that she didn't have to show me as her word was good enough. In my gut I knew she had.

 Her walls are coming down as she can see and feel the connection between us growing. She made a statement or it was a question "I am sure most of the women you have dated you would have had sex by the second of third date right?, but I am not like that"  I acknowledged that she is correct then kissed her softly and told her "I like that you aren't like those other women"  

I feel really good about how things are going.

Lost

PS  I cannot stress enough how nice it is that you all are worried I might get hurt and are looking out for me.  I do really appreciate it and I don't view it as you being negative towards my situation.  I am a big boy and can take the hit.  Remember my wife of 20 years cheated on me and went sideways leaving me to care for our disabled son all those years ago.  I came out of all that stronger and wiser in many ways thanks to this forum.

[LootieTootie]

On 4/3/2024 at 2:50 PM, Sindy_0311 said:

.. At the point that I removed my profile from these apps because NONE of the men I met on these apps were reliable....  

I think this is good you decided to take a break Sindy. If you aren't getting any actual results in meeting good men and feel burn out, just take some time off. Didnt you say you live in a town? I wonder if that has something to do with it.

 

9 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

PS  I cannot stress enough how nice it is that you all are worried I might get hurt and are looking out for me.  I do really appreciate it and I don't view it as you being negative towards my situation.  I am a big boy and can take the hit.  Remember my wife of 20 years cheated on me and went sideways leaving me to care for our disabled son all those years ago.  I came out of all that stronger and wiser in many ways thanks to this forum.

This is inspiring Lost. I 100% agree. Just because someone hurt you, you should never be scared of opening your heart again. The next person you let in might be the actual love of your life, and you wouldn't know it if you had not opened your heart.