Do I stay with my boyfriend of 3 years?

[blueslush]

So, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We are both in our mid-20s. I love him, but in the past we have had some issues with being on the same page with what we want out of the relationship. We have broken up and got back together 3 times because of this. The last breakup was about 7 months ago at this point. He has been implying that he wants to propose in the coming week. Now here’s where it gets a little complicated. There is this guy I have known since we were kids, like 12 or so. I still remember vividly the first time I met him, and over the years since there is a small part of me that believes we’re soulmates. We were friends in school, but both had troubling childhoods so dating each other never felt right at the time. We don’t talk much anymore besides a yearly check in. For some reason, I still have an underlying connection to him. He has pursued me before, but each time I have already been in a relationship. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I was always too scared to make the first move. He recently checked in again, and the proposal coming up is really making me question whether I want to marry my current boyfriend or not. Am I crazy for thinking someone is my soulmate when we’ve never even talked about it? Do I risk losing something stable and loving for someone else who wouldn’t even know it’s coming?

[Wiseman2]

 Are you living together? What are the arguments and breakups about?

Unfortunately your relationship seems unstable and has chronic unresolved issues if you keep breaking up.

You both don't seem ready to marry. Set yourself free  to reflect and explore your feelings for this other man. 

[blueslush]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

 Are you living together? What are the arguments and breakups about?

Unfortunately your relationship seems unstable and has chronic unresolved issues if you keep breaking up.

You both don't seem ready to marry. Set yourself free  to reflect and explore your feelings for this other man. 

We are living together and have been for 2 years. Our breakups were about him not pulling his weight in the relationship. I was often stuck doing the large majority of household duties, while making majority income, and planning all dates. This has significantly improved in the last 7 months that we’ve stayed together. Thank you for your input. 

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, blueslush said:

We are living together and have been for 2 years. Our breakups were about him not pulling his weight in the relationship. I was often stuck doing the large majority of household duties, while making majority income, and planning all dates. This has significantly improved in the last 7 months that we’ve stayed together. Thank you for your input. 

Why are you mingling finances if  you're not married? Do  you have children together or does he? 

I think you shouldn't marry him if you have the dream of someone else. I knew I was ready to marry because even though technically I knew out there there could be a man even more handsome, even more in common, even ...... whatever...... it meant nothing to me.  I'd found my person.  I was done looking or keeping options open.  I waited till 42 to marry because I didn't want to settle -I had several opportunities with Mr. Right Now/Mr. Perfect on Paper and it was soooo tempting -I'd had quite enough of searching/dating/etc. and I am so so happy I didn't despite the downsides (it is why we have one child and didn't try to have another, etc).

[blueslush]

14 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Why are you mingling finances if  you're not married? Do  you have children together or does he? 

I think you shouldn't marry him if you have the dream of someone else. I knew I was ready to marry because even though technically I knew out there there could be a man even more handsome, even more in common, even ...... whatever...... it meant nothing to me.  I'd found my person.  I was done looking or keeping options open.  I waited till 42 to marry because I didn't want to settle -I had several opportunities with Mr. Right Now/Mr. Perfect on Paper and it was soooo tempting -I'd had quite enough of searching/dating/etc. and I am so so happy I didn't despite the downsides (it is why we have one child and didn't try to have another, etc).

We don’t. Our finances only come together for rent/utilities and we have a couple pets so we share vet bills. 
 

I think you’re right. If I’m not 100% sure at this point then marrying him would be settling. Even if I don’t end up with this other guy I would be doing myself a disservice by marrying someone just because I think it’s the right thing to do. Thank you for responding. 

[tattoobunnie]

It takes more than just being with someone for 3 years to make a marriage work. You spent over two years with someone who was not a sound partner, and made you do all the work, and treated you like his mom.  He'll soon slip back into his habits.

As for the other guy, he feels like home to you because of the trauma you've both endured, but that does not make him your soul mate.  Nor is that belief helpful or sustainable.  You are fated to no one.  You need to focus on whether a person is the right fit for you, is accountable, and can show up for you.  So, yes, break up and explore with the other guy, but keep in mind, it's not about being soul mates that make a lifelong relationship successful; it's about mutual respect, kindness, being there for each other, and physical and mental intimacy.

[blueslush]

8 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

It takes more than just being with someone for 3 years to make a marriage work. You spent over two years with someone who was not a sound partner, and made you do all the work, and treated you like his mom.  He'll soon slip back into his habits.

As for the other guy, he feels like home to you because of the trauma you've both endured, but that does not make him your soul mate.  Nor is that belief helpful or sustainable.  You are fated to no one.  You need to focus on whether a person is the right fit for you, is accountable, and can show up for you.  So, yes, break up and explore with the other guy, but keep in mind, it's not about being soul mates that make a lifelong relationship successful; it's about mutual respect, kindness, being there for each other, and physical and mental intimacy.

This is sound advice, thank you for sharing. I will break up with him.

[Kwothe28]

If you write one paragraph about your boyfriend and multiple more about the guy you want to be your boyfriend, then you shouldnt get married to first. Nore be in the relationship with him. Just dont get back to your boyfriend if the other one doesnt want you or it doesnt work from some reason. 

[boltnrun]

Ask yourself this: if that other guy contacted you asking to be with you would you want to? If so, you have no business marrying or even staying in a relationship with your boyfriend. All you'll get out of marrying him is a messy divorce in a couple of years. 

[SherrySher]

3 hours ago, blueslush said:

So, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We are both in our mid-20s. I love him, but in the past we have had some issues with being on the same page with what we want out of the relationship. We have broken up and got back together 3 times because of this. The last breakup was about 7 months ago at this point. He has been implying that he wants to propose in the coming week. Now here’s where it gets a little complicated. There is this guy I have known since we were kids, like 12 or so. I still remember vividly the first time I met him, and over the years since there is a small part of me that believes we’re soulmates. We were friends in school, but both had troubling childhoods so dating each other never felt right at the time. We don’t talk much anymore besides a yearly check in. For some reason, I still have an underlying connection to him. He has pursued me before, but each time I have already been in a relationship. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I was always too scared to make the first move. He recently checked in again, and the proposal coming up is really making me question whether I want to marry my current boyfriend or not. Am I crazy for thinking someone is my soulmate when we’ve never even talked about it? Do I risk losing something stable and loving for someone else who wouldn’t even know it’s coming?

I was going to write you out a whole list of things that need to work in order to consider getting married, but no point because something really obvious here before any other issues you two may have with marriage.

You are already feeling like he might not be the right one.

It doesn't matter about the guy from school, or if it's a guy you still might meet.

Your intuition is telling you that something isn't right and that the current man may not be the right one.

Listen to your guts. 

He is either not the right guy, of it's not the right time for you two to get married.

 

[blueslush]

5 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

I was going to write you out a whole list of things that need to work in order to consider getting married, but no point because something really obvious here before any other issues you two may have with marriage.

You are already feeling like he might not be the right one.

It doesn't matter about the guy from school, or if it's a guy you still might meet.

Your intuition is telling you that something isn't right and that the current man may not be the right one.

Listen to your guts. 

He is either not the right guy, of it's not the right time for you two to get married.

 

You’re right, I need to listen to my gut. This is the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had, and I wanted to make it work for so long because it would be easier for me. I know that’s not a good reason to stay.

[SherrySher]

16 minutes ago, blueslush said:

You’re right, I need to listen to my gut. This is the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had, and I wanted to make it work for so long because it would be easier for me. I know that’s not a good reason to stay.

Breaking up three times already and you thinking of another guy, isn't what most would consider a healthy relationship.

I tell you this not to judge you, but so you will be able to identify what is healthy when it does come along.

A healthy relationship is when you both are on the same page about most things. Where you have open communication, complete trust, can work through problems together without the threat of a break up or any kind of upset to that degree.

Relationships can be hard, but I can guarantee you that marriage is a lot harder and you need a very stable and very happy relationship that works really well BEFORE you can even consider marriage.

Breaking up three times already, is telling you it's not working very well.

If it's a healthy relationship as well, then you will be completely in love and no one else will be on his mind, or on your mind...not even thoughts of what ifs....you will just know each other is the only one you want, end of.

You are having doubts, and you are wondering what other men will be like.

That's a huge red flag that you are not ready for marriage.

[Andrina]

Sounds like the improvements he's made no longer matters--too little, too late. I know what it feels like when a build up of bitterness causes permanent damage.

Even as the old friend checked in recently, you'll really be doing yourself a favor to stay alone a good year to mourn the relationship with your bf, heal, and learn to be fulfilled as a solo person before venturing into dating again.

Keep your head out of the clouds when it comes to the friend. I'm not trying to be a downer but am being realistic that a good friend doesn't always translate into someone also being a great romantic partner to you. I'm not saying not to date him when the time is more appropriate. I'm just saying to have a wait-and-see attitude while dating because it takes time to see everything you need to know about a person past the honeymoon stage, if it even makes it that far.

The expectations, of course that you expect from a friend is totally different than you will have of a partner. There are some people from my younger years I still cherish as friends, and others that were best left in my past because of who they became as adults.

Anyway, I'm glad you will now get a chance to start a new chapter of your life under YOUR terms and standards. Good luck.

[blueslush]

13 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Sounds like the improvements he's made no longer matters--too little, too late. I know what it feels like when a build up of bitterness causes permanent damage.

Even as the old friend checked in recently, you'll really be doing yourself a favor to stay alone a good year to mourn the relationship with your bf, heal, and learn to be fulfilled as a solo person before venturing into dating again.

Keep your head out of the clouds when it comes to the friend. I'm not trying to be a downer but am being realistic that a good friend doesn't always translate into someone also being a great romantic partner to you. I'm not saying not to date him when the time is more appropriate. I'm just saying to have a wait-and-see attitude while dating because it takes time to see everything you need to know about a person past the honeymoon stage, if it even makes it that far.

The expectations, of course that you expect from a friend is totally different than you will have of a partner. There are some people from my younger years I still cherish as friends, and others that were best left in my past because of who they became as adults.

Anyway, I'm glad you will now get a chance to start a new chapter of your life under YOUR terms and standards. Good luck.

Thank you!

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, blueslush said:

We are living together and have been for 2 years. Our breakups were about him not pulling his weight in the relationship. I was often stuck doing the large majority of household duties, while making majority income, and planning all dates. 

Sorry this is happening. This alone is enough reason to reconsider the relationship. Do you really want to go be doing all the heavy lifting financially and as far as the household? Even if he is on best behavior for a few months this seems to be a pattern.

Do you both work? Please consider this crush on an old flame more of a wake-up call that you're not happy and going forward with a lazy deadbeat isn't going to be a happy situation. Whether anything or not comes of this crush is irrelevant considering the basic issues in the relationship.

[SooSad33]

5 hours ago, blueslush said:

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We are both in our mid-20s. I love him, but in the past we have had some issues with being on the same page with what we want out of the relationship. We have broken up and got back together 3 times because of this. The last breakup was about 7 months ago at this point

Risk losing something stable?  This is not stable.

Stable, is feeling it's right.  Feeling like this is what YOU want and you're happy.

Not breaking up every few months!  That just makes your relationship weaker.  Breaking up is NOT a solution.  And, often after the first BU, it weakens one's feeling towards the other 😕 .

I think you should say enough is enough now, we're plainly not compatible and be done.

Give yourself a little 'single time' to get over what's left with this guy before jumping on into another relationship.

[blueslush]

20 minutes ago, SooSad33 said:

Risk losing something stable?  This is not stable.

Stable, is feeling it's right.  Feeling like this is what YOU want and you're happy.

Not breaking up every few months!  That just makes your relationship weaker.  Breaking up is NOT a solution.  And, often after the first BU, it weakens one's feeling towards the other 😕 .

I think you should say enough is enough now, we're plainly not compatible and be done.

Give yourself a little 'single time' to get over what's left with this guy before jumping on into another relationship.

You’re right. It’s just more stable than previous relationships I guess. I agree, I don’t think I’ll be ready to jump into something new right away, but this feels a long time coming.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, blueslush said:

This is the only healthy relationship I’ve ever had

This one isn't healthy, either. Breaking up three times is quite dysfunctional. 

It's time to end it. The fact that you're having doubts about your boyfriend over some guy you've never even dated says it all - your gut is screaming at you to get out. I wouldn't entertain the idea that this other guy is your soulmate, but I would pay attention to what that represents: your desire for an exit hatch from this relationship. 

[boltnrun]

I made the bad choice to go through with marrying my husband despite not feeling ready to get married and despite fantasizing about other men. Yep, we ended up divorced. I regret not listening to myself although I can't say I actually regret the marriage because I have my precious son from that marriage.  But the divorce was sad and messy and a struggle.

[lostandhurt]

Obviously you are not ready for marriage to anyone right now. You are still figuring out who you are and what you want for and in your life in the future.  This guy from your past is an easy excuse to question the proposal.  Leave him totally out of it and make your own choices on what you know and feel.

 As far as this other guy being your soulmate goes I wouldn't say you are crazy but you are searching for something you do not currently have and he is an easy escape.  If you chose to breakup with your bf then do it because the relationship is not working, not because there is a chance some other guy will be better.

 Definitely stay single for a good long while to heal and figure out who you are as a single young woman and what path your life will head towards.  Then you can think about looking for someone to share your life with and not just be a replacement for your bf.  The pet issue will be difficult...

 Lost

[shouldhavelearned]

No marriage

 

Check in with the old classmate 

[ilovecats666]

21 hours ago, blueslush said:

So, I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We are both in our mid-20s. I love him, but in the past we have had some issues with being on the same page with what we want out of the relationship. We have broken up and got back together 3 times because of this. The last breakup was about 7 months ago at this point. He has been implying that he wants to propose in the coming week. Now here’s where it gets a little complicated. There is this guy I have known since we were kids, like 12 or so. I still remember vividly the first time I met him, and over the years since there is a small part of me that believes we’re soulmates. We were friends in school, but both had troubling childhoods so dating each other never felt right at the time. We don’t talk much anymore besides a yearly check in. For some reason, I still have an underlying connection to him. He has pursued me before, but each time I have already been in a relationship. When I wasn’t in a relationship, I was always too scared to make the first move. He recently checked in again, and the proposal coming up is really making me question whether I want to marry my current boyfriend or not. Am I crazy for thinking someone is my soulmate when we’ve never even talked about it? Do I risk losing something stable and loving for someone else who wouldn’t even know it’s coming?

CERTAINLY at the very least, hold off on getting married for a bit. You definitely don't wanna get married while in a potentially incompatible relationship. Or even more so where you may be looking to leave for someone else. 

[Lambert]

Don't get married. 

[smackie9]

You haven't found "healthy" yet. Quit this and keep looking.