ilovecats666

I guess as an update for anyone who is curious, I think I am ending the relationship. I think a lot of you are right in saying that I'm not ready for this situation, I'm not. I think if it were in person, it would have worked out well. But the pressure of the long distance and vague future is getting to me. Yesterday I discussed with him how I'm having an extremely hard time with the situation. And he more or less said that his next 5 ish years will probably have him moving around a lot and working even more. Which is definitely unstable and leaving him with even less time. And I know I won't be able to cope. I already only intermittently am. Aka not. I think I need to back out before I make his life a nightmare with my insecurities. I know I can be massively draining though it isn't my intention. Because it's a nightmare to live in my own brain sometimes. So I imagine it'd not great to be on the other end either. I'll take a long break and keep working with my therapist and psychiatrist to hopefully be more normal psychologically at some point. It is very devastating because he's a great dude. Easily the best guy I've ever dated. I just know I'm not going to be magically better any time soon. And this relationship taught me a lot about how deeply not healed I am.

Very much so. Its WILDLY different. In a much better way, but different none the less. I'm absolutely working on it. I have a long time therapist that is helping me. And I'm very careful to not lash out at him. And to own it when I am out of line

Yes it's that same guy. And yes I still have some of those same anxieties, but its a little more than that. It's basically my entire history of relationship trauma surfacing BECAUSE he is safe to discuss and confront issues with. I'm very happy with him. I'm just alarmed at the amount I've repressed over the years.

I DO believe we are compatible and I don't mean to make it seem like I am complaining about him. He's great. Just the relationship being a safe space has allowed more trauma to surface than I was expecting. Plus I'm having to learn that a little boring is GOOD. And that constant "excitement " is tumultuous

Thank you! I am definitely getting there

Hahahah idk. Trauma brain is weird

I'd say it's more that I'm in a safe space now that's allowing trauma to surface how it hasn't been allowed to before.

I may look those up. I enjoy new reads on the topic. And very much so. I'm very grateful for him and his stability. And don't want to OVER do it. Its just hard to address surfacing trauma in a way I haven't had the chance to before.

Correct. The problem one is me not him 😂

I agree. Thankfully I have a long time therapist who is great. It's just new to me to have a relationship that's a safe space. I am very grateful for him. And his stability. And I tell him that often. And when I do go off the rails, I always apologize and own it. I try to make a huge point to not be a burden.

100%. When it's a safe space it's HARD even though it's wonderful.

Yes! Its finally a safe space. And that's the problem and the solution 😂

Definitely. I do see a therapist, and do my best to not dump on him. It just projects light onto my issues in a way that doesn't happen in a toxic setting

Very much. That's an excellent way to put it. I'm used to having to be the mature one. And it's finally not the case. And yes, him being SO calm and communicative makes me realize how many things I need to work on because I have a hard time with both. Its a positive. He's a good partner. I just find it interesting that it's a bigger struggle for me

It shines a light on everything that I need to work on. I notice it more when I'm not having to "baby" my partner"s feelings so much like I'm used to. And therefore I have to turn into myself and see how I feel without care taking someone else's emotions for once

I think it more just shines a light on everything I have to work on in a way that toxic relationships never did. And it's good, I'm not trying to complain about it. But it's hard in a whole new way.

I'd have some friends review your profile. VERY often I would skip over profiles just because they aren't very filled out, or the pics aren't great. How much effort you put into your profile makes a difference with women, I assure you. Not that it isn't still hard out there. But, I'd look into making your profile better. Good, clear pictures, filled out prompts and preferences, bio, etc. And secondly, I'd be holding off a little bit until you get your life together a little bit more. A job and a place will go far. Not driving isn't a big deal IF you have a job and a place. Uber and public transport exists.

I'm still in this same boat from time to time, though it's only been 3 years past. Though it's hard, thr only reason the memories cling SO hard and are devastating, is because the relationship itself was a large source of unresolved trauma. What has helped me is making a list of stuff I miss, and then a list of why the relationship did not work. When you're really honest, there tends to be more obvious cons. It's certainly not a cure, but it helps keep me grounded in the reality of why it didn't work out.

I'm sorry, break ups are rough. And I think it's totally normal to be feeling both relief and grief. Especially if it was a tumultuous or complicated relationship. How long ago was the break up? Grieving like this is normal. But if it's affecting you this much months down the road, I'd seek some therapy. It helps. It can be so great to have someone help you regulate.

I mean, i know it's a past trauma thing that has to be addressed. It just seems so weird that the first emotionally healthy person you date drags allllll of that trauma right up to the surface. Having someone that chooses to communicate is so wonderful and also the hardest thing to adapt to. It's hard going from being the "more stable" one in every bad relationship to being the one with obvious issues.

So, Long story short, I have a semi tense relationship with much of my family. But ESPECIALLY my grandma (on my dad's side). She's easily the meanest person I've ever known. She met a boyfriend of mine once and was unbelievably mean to him. So, now I'm at the point dating this guy currently that I'm probably going to be introducing him to my family. BUT, I don't want him to ever have to interact with my grandma. I feel like she has lost her privileges to anyone in my life with her past (consistent) behavior. The thing is, her and my dad are my only family in state. Which I could avoid her now. But eventually if it gets more serious, the holidays are a concern. And if I ever move in with him, all hell WILL break loose. It has before. I really think I personally cannot handle seeing her interact with anyone more than anything. But, I know as soon as my dad knows, she will too. Any advice on how to navigate keeping boundaries with her without being cruel? Because I know she will be hurt about not meeting him. But it just isn't going to happen. Also I'm a little afraid my dad will pressure it a little even though he also can't stand her.

I definitely do need to get more comfortable living my life openly. It's just so uncomfortable. But I guess that's part of it. And I definitely agree. I'm definitely not making a decision anytime soon. But I guess I just cope by doing this hahaha. Easier to plan for it and not, then to not plan for it and then go. Atleast for me.

You definitely make a good point. I certainly would only if we were very stable at the time. And i guess it may be good to consider my own place.

Yes, very good points. Thankfully I'm someone who is pretty independent and resourceful. I would have a job and a life pretty quickly, no problem. I do well in that regard. And I always have a back up plan. worst case, I certainly have people that would help me and take me in. But I'd be more prepared than that. He is very interested in me coming. Him being sure about me is very disconcerting as I've never been in a relationship with someone so emotionally stable 🥲. But has made it clear that if I'm not ready, he's not gonna break up with me about it. And I know that this is very important for his life and future. Which is why me leaving would even be considered.

Definitely fair. I wouldn't mention the moving for sure. But I do feel like they should know he exists i guess since I really do HOPE that it goes somewhere