Am I over reacting?

[Aaron]

My girlfriend and I have been dating since the beginning of July. We met friends back in October last year and hit it off and started seeing each other a lot. We are never officially dating but we shared a very intimate and emotional relationship. We both previously came out of long-term relationships so both little hesitant to start a new relationship. Both agreed around March that having The space to figure out if we wanted to date would be okay which would mean potentially seen other people if we wanted to but continued to see each other and share that deep intimate relationship. She is in musical theater and very committed and devoted to her singing. Fast forward to a couple days after we started dating I found out that she slept with someone who is part of the musical theater that she's part of. This was someone that she introduced me to as a group of friends that were very close to her and that she would like me to get to know a lot. I was informed they were just only friends and not to be threatened even though I never inquired that to begin with I thought was odd. I am now faced with supporting her and going to her shows and now constantly being around the individual that slept with her just 3 months before we officially started dating but during the infancy of a relationship where it was very much intimate. She said that sleeping with him was her sign that she wanted to be with me and fully committed. This is someone now that I will never be able to escape and always be around and constantly reminded that she slept with him. I'm struggling with whether or not I still want to be with her because the fact that I was introduced and shown affection and everything around this person then weeks after meeting them she slept with him just does not feel right to me though I'm fully supportive of her taking the time to try to figure out what she wanted in life. I am more so bothered by the situation I'm in and that if she honestly did consider me even the slightest as a potential partner that the future situation of having to be around this person and confronting it day in and day out would be no big deal or not weigh on me like it does. I've talked to her how this has hurt me and the situation it's put me in and her only response is well we technically weren't dating so she wasn't in the wrong which I understand. However I just can't shake the feeling and understanding that I would never do that to someone that I honestly considered to be a future partner. I just know the turmoil that it would put another individual to continually to have to see that person and what it would mean for the foundation of a relationship. I also feel a bit lied to or deceived by telling me these were friends no threats yet something did happen 3 months prior to dating then I get told after that this all happened. I don't know if I'm overreacting or if this is something I should let go.

[Andrina]

Her decision-making skills for important matters like this are quite different than your own. She seems to take the act of sex more casually than you, and is more matter of fact about the rules, versus having the foresight of how her actions would ultimately affect what might turn out to be a serious relationship.

I can only say if I were in the same situation, I'd walk away. I've never been one who would choose to continue dating someone if they were hanging out with an ex or someone they had a one night stand with. 

Sounds like you're a young guy who would not have trouble meeting a lot of single women your age. 

I'll also say it's not wrong to stay with her. You could always have a wait-and-see attitude while guarding your heart for a while, and see if your satisfaction with her and the situation improves. Good luck!

[Batya33]

You don't need to figure out if you want to date or commit to a person by comparison shopping.  Not an approach I could stomach for sure.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Aaron said:

. We both previously came out of long-term relationships so both little hesitant to start a new relationship. 

This seems to have a lot to do with the situation. You were both in the throes of a breakup, on the rebound and that's a confusing state. It seems she went through some sort of phase before deciding to get fully involved with you.

She was eventually forthcoming when the time was right so all you can do is see how it goes from here. 

[Starlight925]

As uncomfortable as this is for you, I kind of agree with her.

You two weren't exclusive, and you had even discussed being non-exclusive, sort of seeing where it goes.

She told you that this person wasn't a threat, and if you believe her, then that's the truth.

I honestly don't see what's wrong with what she did, and I'm afraid you could throw away what could be a great relationship, with a bit more communication.

Are you exclusive now?  Have you had that conversation?  

[Aaron]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

This seems to have a lot to do with the situation. You were both in the throes of a breakup, on the rebound and that's a confusing state. It seems she went through some sort of phase before deciding to get fully involved with you.

She was eventually forthcoming when the time was right so all you can do is see how it goes from here. 

This is very much about the situation rather than the actions. Kinda feel dooped because it was after we became a committed relationship that I was told this. 

I don't think I would have said yes to being committed if knowing this prior. 

[Aaron]

1 hour ago, Starlight925 said:

As uncomfortable as this is for you, I kind of agree with her.

You two weren't exclusive, and you had even discussed being non-exclusive, sort of seeing where it goes.

She told you that this person wasn't a threat, and if you believe her, then that's the truth.

I honestly don't see what's wrong with what she did, and I'm afraid you could throw away what could be a great relationship, with a bit more communication.

Are you exclusive now?  Have you had that conversation?  

This is more than the situation for me than her actions of sleeping with someone. It's the dynamic I am then forced to deal with alone with no consequences on her end. 

This was revealed to me after we became a committed relationship which was not the route either I would've gone. I would've rather not known or known prior going into it. I feel I was won over than the truth came out. 

[Kwothe28]

You done messed up A-A-Ron! (Sorry, you know the meme) 🤣

I dunno, I wouldnt be comfortable either. "Oh, this is the person you should be closed with because he is my friend, you have nothing to worry about it baby, he is a friend and friend only. Oh, I sleped with that person but its OK, we werent exclusive and it only brings me closer to you baby!"

See how downright manipulative it is? To say to you how you should be friends with people she straight up sleped with? And who she told you how they are only friends? If you forced her to hang out with one of your FWBs, she would probably be insulted with the sole idea of that. But since she did it, you are suppose to swallow that up and continue like its nothing.

I wouldnt pass over it. Simply because

a) She doesnt deserve it because she did lie to you and such person is not to be trusted for the future

b) If you pass over it now she wouldnt see it as a positive, she would see it as a negative. And that she can do whatever she wants next time. So next time you guys have a fight, she can run over to the same "friend" or maybe some other one she sleped with too. Because I highly doubt thats the only one. Liars and cheaters dont stop at 1.

[smackie9]

 

She really wanted to shag this guy and made up some crap about "trying to figure things out". Is this what you are thinking? Because this is how I feel about it. 

[indea08]

I honestly think her mistake was giving you too much information. If it wasn’t a big deal and there was nothing further between them, she shouldn’t have burdened you with the info. 

Sometimes when we’re younger, we tend to over share because we think if we’re totally honest, that’s a good and desirable thing. Most of the time it is. But as you get older you learn that no one is entitled to every bit of information about you, and sometimes ignorance truly is bliss.

Since the ship has sailed, it’s sort of up to you to decide what you want to do now that you have this information. I think if you give it time, your memories together will replace the awkwardness of the current situation, and this guy will fade away into the past. I also think if you just don’t want to deal with the situation, you’d be reasonable to walk away. Totally your call. Best of luck to you.

[Aaron]

43 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

You done messed up A-A-Ron! (Sorry, you know the meme) 🤣

I dunno, I wouldnt be comfortable either. "Oh, this is the person you should be closed with because he is my friend, you have nothing to worry about it baby, he is a friend and friend only. Oh, I sleped with that person but its OK, we werent exclusive and it only brings me closer to you baby!"

See how downright manipulative it is? To say to you how you should be friends with people she straight up sleped with? And who she told you how they are only friends? If you forced her to hang out with one of your FWBs, she would probably be insulted with the sole idea of that. But since she did it, you are suppose to swallow that up and continue like its nothing.

I wouldnt pass over it. Simply because

a) She doesnt deserve it because she did lie to you and such person is not to be trusted for the future

b) If you pass over it now she wouldnt see it as a positive, she would see it as a negative. And that she can do whatever she wants next time. So next time you guys have a fight, she can run over to the same "friend" or maybe some other one she sleped with too. Because I highly doubt thats the only one. Liars and cheaters dont stop at 1.

To add to this and not wanting to distort a situation but he was her romantic counter part in the performance I met him at. That when she told me he was not a threat. The performance went on for 3 weeks and it was at the end of the 3 week performance when she slept with him.

Months after that, still prior to me knowing about it, she's in another show and says something along the lines that she thinks it unprofessional for anyone to sleep with their romantic stage counter part. 

After I find out I confronted her about that statement and go a wish wash answer on why she said that and what it meant.

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, Aaron said:

I've talked to her how this has hurt me and the situation it's put me in and her only response is well we technically weren't dating so she wasn't in the wrong which I understand. However I just can't shake the feeling and understanding that I would never do that to someone that I honestly considered to be a future partner. I just know the turmoil that it would put another individual to continually to have to see that person and what it would mean for the foundation of a relationship.

I get it ... kinda.

BUT, are you possibly still reeling over your own last LTR?  You admitted you both came out of one and at one point she felt she was not ready yet.

 

4 hours ago, Aaron said:

Months after that, still prior to me knowing about it, she's in another show and says something along the lines that she thinks it unprofessional for anyone to sleep with their romantic stage counter part. 

Sounds like she's got some regrets... and has learned now 😉 .  Hey, we all have regrets.

IMO, I don't find him a threat.  

[catfeeder]

If you’ve mentioned your ages, I missed it. The first thing I’d decide is whether I want to adopt a perspective that supports my continuing this relationship, or whether I want out.

This choice is crucial to everything else, because if you want a future with this woman but cling to a position that’s adversarial to that, you’re wasting your time and hers.

If you want out, it’s simple to say that you’ve been positioned too badly to continue. Your policy is to never involve yourself with anyone who is still involved with an ex lover—in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. (This is my private rule, but I’m also too old for the scenario below.)

However, if you want to preserve this relationship, you’ll need to adopt the youth clause that considers high school and university examples of ‘contaminated’ environments that force socialization between exes.

This means it’s typical for ex lovers to continue sharing classes, clubs, activities, a campus and social circles, AND everyone already knows this. So individual discretion about what degree of potential exposure to a new lover’s exes you can handle is a crap shoot, and that gamble is on each individual to manage. And if you can’t or won’t manage that risk on your own, then that limits your dating pool to off campus.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Make your decision and stick with it, but don’t hang around on the fence with one foot in the victimization camp while the other hangs around because you love her.

 If you want this to work but don’t want to be around the guy, then skip any shows or parties where he has every right to be. And don’t give her any crap about it.

This doesn’t mean you’re wrong for your feelings, it just means you need to adopt the perspective along with the behaviors that align with your decision. Otherwise, you’ll just sabotage yourself no matter what you wish were true but simply is not.

[Aaron]

38 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

If you’ve mentioned your ages, I missed it. The first thing I’d decide is whether I want to adopt a perspective that supports my continuing this relationship, or whether I want out.

This choice is crucial to everything else, because if you want a future with this woman but cling to a position that’s adversarial to that, you’re wasting your time and hers.

If you want out, it’s simple to say that you’ve been positioned too badly to continue. Your policy is to never involve yourself with anyone who is still involved with an ex lover—in any way, shape or form beyond shared children. (This is my private rule, but I’m also too old for the scenario below.)

However, if you want to preserve this relationship, you’ll need to adopt the youth clause that considers high school and university examples of ‘contaminated’ environments that force socialization between exes.

This means it’s typical for ex lovers to continue sharing classes, clubs, activities, a campus and social circles, AND everyone already knows this. So individual discretion about what degree of potential exposure to a new lover’s exes you can handle is a crap shoot, and that gamble is on each individual to manage. And if you can’t or won’t manage that risk on your own, then that limits your dating pool to off campus.

Do you see where I’m going with this?

Make your decision and stick with it, but don’t hang around on the fence with one foot in the victimization camp while the other hangs around because you love her.

 If you want this to work but don’t want to be around the guy, then skip any shows or parties where he has every right to be. And don’t give her any crap about it.

This doesn’t mean you’re wrong for your feelings, it just means you need to adopt the perspective along with the behaviors that align with your decision. Otherwise, you’ll just sabotage yourself no matter what you wish were true but simply is not.

Yes may have missed dropping age here.

I am 30 M and she is 30 F

I feel more embarrassed now revealing my age with this situation.

[1a1a]

Everyone has their things they’re not comfortable with and you’re not wrong for having the discomforts you have. 
 

I am much more like your partner, as long as the feelings have faded I’m comfortable having relationships with exes (these have tended to only develop when the feelings are all gone and we have a foundation of commonality on which a friendship can be built post romance). Since I still talk to exes I would be unphased if my partner did as long as that wasn’t sucking a lot of his attention. Then I’d have a prioritisation problem same as any other thing that makes me not a priority. 
 

My partner is I think more like you. He doesn’t talk to his exes and experiences feelings of discomfort and, maybe an idea of disrespect, at the idea of me speaking to mine. 
 

In practice there’s only one ex I interact with, in a work setting same as your girlfriend. Sometimes he’ll come to our house to pick up some piece of equipment and if I’m not home my partner is the one doing the handing over. I know he’s testing his own boundaries trying this out and really appreciate him for it. (And in turn, not that we even were doing friendly things outside of work but it goes without saying that I wouldn’t increase the level of contact I have with this ex beyond what it settled into post heart break. )

 

I think the best you can do is keep checking in with yourself, can you find some peace with this? Does your love and attraction outweigh your discomfort? If not, it’s totally ok to let her go. 

[catfeeder]

50 minutes ago, Aaron said:

Yes may have missed dropping age here.

I am 30 M and she is 30 F

I feel more embarrassed now revealing my age with this situation.

Oh, geez, sorry about that—I didn’t mean to imply that mature people can’t adopt the kind of exception in my example. I’m just old enough to be your grandmother, so I’m speaking from a far distance from any example at all.

But you could still apply it. Wait—I guess even I could apply it if I wanted to enter some active adult culture where I’d be a fool not to assume that all kinds of canoodling didn’t happen before my entry.

The point is, any closed community of forced, habitual or committed socialization has its history. The bigger point is, you get to decide whether you want to reach for that fact as your ticket toward reconciling your position.

So first step is to decide what you want your position to be. From there, you’ll need to select the data that supports that position.

But you’ll need to commit to that position and not just give it lip service even while you torture yourself (and her) with counter arguments against it.

If you know yourself well enough to know that you can’t pull that off, then scrap the project, because you’ll be right, and you’ll just prolong your agony.

But if you can honestly say that you credit this woman with integrity and you trust her beyond the semantics of this issue, and you could envision yourself capable of putting that in front of any need to police her around this guy (who she could have chosen long before choosing you), then? Lean into the evidence that supports that, and quit sabotaging yourself.

Nobody else is living your love life for you, so nobody else gets a vote. I hope you’ll let us know what you decide.

[rainbowsandroses]

13 hours ago, Aaron said:

Both agreed around March that having The space to figure out if we wanted to date would be okay which would mean potentially seen other people if we wanted to but continued to see each other and share that deep intimate relationship.

So, if I'm reading this correctly, in March this year you weren't actually dating but nevertheless were involved in a deep intimate relationship?  

Please define "deep intimate relationship"  because given you weren't dating, it's confusing.

Were you sexually intimate?  If so, even though she wasn't actually "cheating" since you weren't yet dating, I could understand your being hurt /upset that she chose to be sexually intimate with another man during the same time period.  

If you were not sexually intimate and simply figuring stuff out, then frankly I'm not quite sure why you're so upset.  

Is it your ego?  What is it that so bothers you?  She didn't/doesn't have "feelings" for him, it was sex.  Nothing more nothing less. 

It was 3 months prior to when you and she began dating so again she didn't cheat, she didn't deceive you in any way or lie to you. 

You're entitled to your feelings however I think it's important to differentiate between your feelings and your ego.  Two different things. 

Imo this sounds more like ego. I mean even after having sex with him, she chose YOU to date.  YOU are the man she has feelings for, not him. 

Try and focus on that versus envisioning her having sex with him and bugging out about it.  

It would be a shame to throw this away because your ego is bothered she had sex with another man prior to dating you, but your call I suppose.

Think about it. 

Good luck whatever you decide.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[MissCanuck]

It sounds like you've always been more into her than she is into you. 

It is unlikely she'd have been interested in having sex with someone else if she was keen to explore something with you. I don't think she was wrong to sleep with him, given that you two were not together, but it says a lot about where her feelings for you were at (ie. not as strong as yours)

It seems she liked you well enough but had a crush on this other guy too and wanted to test the waters there before deciding if she wanted to commit to you. 

[Tinydance]

Well to me the way I feel would probably depend on a few things. As someone else asked, were you and her physically intimate when she slept with that guy? Or were you more like friends but you liked each other? I think if you were just friends and not even dating then she wouldn't have necessarily thought that 100% you'd definitely be together. And yes in technical terms you actually weren't together.

Another thing that would be a factor for me is if that guy is actually her really good friend outside of the theatre. Like, does she hang out with him or talk to him when they're not rehearsing or performing? Coz the thing is that maybe she hooked up with him just for sex and she's not into him now. But not being around him would require her to quit the theatre. I do find it weird though that she said you should get to know him. I don't understand why she thinks you'd want to do that?

Having said that, if you don't feel comfortable and you really can't get past it, then that's just how you feel. People can also have different ways they date and different beliefs about hookups and dating. For example, some people don't see other people when they're seeing someone or have a "thing" with someone. But some do. Some people also think that a hookup is just a fun thing and doesn't mean anything. E.g. She actually has no feelings for that guy. And some people don't even do hookups. 

I think the main thing is to find someone who shares your beliefs and values about dating and relationships. If you were actually just friends then I don't think she was required to tell you if she slept with other guys. I think she only had to tell you about it if you were intimate and/or dating.