Complicating life factors or no hope?

[anotherescape]

Hi everyone,

Long time reader but haven't posted in over a decade. This one is a bit long but I could use an outside perspective on this.

I (31F) am one month into no contact with my ex (32M). The relationship lasted one year and was a whirlwind. To put it simply, the highs were incredibly high, and unfortunately, the lows were incredibly hurtful for both of us. He instigated the break-up but this followed my request that we reset the relationship since we weren't headed in the right direction and I was concerned that if we kept going the way we were our connection would simply disintegrate and rot with time. So while I wouldn't say this was an amicable or mutual break-up, it also wasn't a surprising one.

Our relationship was always affected by a lot of external factors. For example, we both travel a fair bit for work, him much more- he was out of the country for forty days over the course of our first three months together. That being said, the affection and connection was immediate. We were both caught by surprise and were open that this had never happened before for either of us. We had similar temperaments, values, career aspirations, etc... He was very open, vocal and emotionally available which is what allowed me to put my walls down. We did make a mistake by getting engaged too quickly- within the first three months of our relationship. But we agreed to keep it private for a year at least so that we could grow into the relationship with us both being on the same page that this was serious before letting other people know.

Given his work travel and that he was renting while I owned and had a dog, we spent most of our time together as a couple at my place. This proved later down the line to be an issue on two fronts. The first is that he felt like we weren't on equal footing and he'd always wanted to buy a home of his own as well- to check it off the bucket list. The second is that his mother, would get overly involved and always questioned why he was spending time with me. There were also several incidents over the year where his mother would become very passive-aggressive, possessive and jealous when he showed me affection or stated he couldn't join a family event- for the record there would also be a negative reaction if it was a work or travel commitment so I know I wasn't the only source of tension. 

It became increasingly clear that his family is quite enmeshed with one another. He often is the calm in charge one who deals with all the issues. As a result, he would often prioritise their needs over his own which left him with very little time and energy for our relationship. I would voice concerns, and I'm afraid I didn't always do it well but I was trying to focus on the bright side and the fact that the rest of his family accepted me so it would only be a matter of time. Near the end of our relationship, he would often say that he felt stuck in the middle. He also started lying to her about where he was because it made things easier while conceding that this was an issue he needed to address. Needless to say, this did not make me feel great about the situation. Given his mother's reaction to our relationship, I agreed to postpone the news that we were engaged in order to not cause more chaos.

If that wasn't enough, he also found himself in a toxic job where he had to face three forced redundancies in under a year. While he managed to survive each round due to shifts in business priorities and committing to working even longer hours. Again this caused a lot of stress on both him and I. He was looking for other work but nothing worked out.

To summarise, I started feeling increasingly marginalised from the rest of his life. He was incredibly stressed and depressed, which started also affecting my mental health. The family demands only increased with time- especially after his father had a heart attack this spring. We would often have very sad and open conversations about how we were both feeling but it always felt very hopeless and there was no resolution. Near the end, he would sometimes say that even if we didn't work out, he hoped I would stay in his life. My response was always the same and that unfortunately I wouldn't be because it would just lead to us either being on-and-off or unable to move on.

The main thing that kept us going was that despite everything, we would still find moments of happiness together whenever we could be together.

Which made his decision to buy a one-bedroom flat rather than moving in to my two-bedroom flat incredibly hurtful. We had been discussing moving in together for months, but the decision was postponed multiple times due to him wanting more time to ease his family's awareness of how important our relationship was. It's a shame because whenever, he could slip in the word fiance in casual conversation with strangers he would be absolutely giddy about it.

Two days after the last time he was fired (May)- he went to a house viewing his mother had arranged to cheer him up. He ended up making an offer the same day without giving us a chance to talk it through. I believe him when he says he'd spent multiple sleepless nights over it, but that further destabilised us as a couple. From a practical perspective, I was supportive but wanted to know how we would make this work together on top of everything else we had going on. He would acknowledge that this had an impact on our timeline and that it was on him to come up with a plan.... months later, in part due to the family health issues, he hadn't.

This brings us to the week of our anniversary. The same week he got the keys to his place. We were sad but had agreed that he would take a few days to himself to just feel his way around his place but that we would see each other on our anniversary. The day before, his parents visited him and saw the flat. They decided they would stay in town for a full week to help him settle in.... which made our anniversary plans moot. 

I was calm but incredibly sad and packed all his things from my place. It was a lot given that we had basically been living together for a year. I let him know that I didn't want to break up but that I needed my space to go back to being mine and he needed a chance to build his own home. That there was no reason we wouldn't be able to come through this stronger. He was in tears over the phone and the next day when I dropped off his things. Kept apologising for hurting me and that I deserved better. He also apologised for deprioritising us and for letting his mother's emotions overtake us. We agreed to have a phone call a week to just take things slow and rebuild.

A week later on the first phone call- he was completely different. Cold and very HR-like. He ended the relationship. I stayed calm but said a few things that I know must have hurt. But I ended the call by saying that I respected but disagreed with his decision and that there was no need for us to speak again.

.... which we haven't.

 

And now I'm just processing and over analysing per my usual. I am trying to figure out how two people who were so in love and compatible managed to mess this up to this extent.

I know rationally there's no point reaching out at this stage since there's too much water under the bridge. At the same time, I would be lying if I didn't admit I wasn't hopeful that we just had really bad luck and there's a chance we could work out in the future.

 

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, anotherescape said:

I am trying to figure out how two people who were so in love and compatible

Pretty much nothing you described indicated you two were "compatible". Liking the same movies or music or leisure activities doesn't make people compatible. Shared life goals and a desire to blend your lives does. You two may have SAID you want the same things but in practice you didn't.

I'm sorry this happened. But from what you wrote the differences were pretty clear early on. I believe there is someone who you truly ARE compatible with, but you can't meet that person if you're busy trying to force this mismatch. 

[anotherescape]

Oh I completely understand- and to be fair it may have only been words on his part. But there were life goals we were in agreement on and working towards- if that wasn't the case, I would have left when the day-to-day issues started happening. 

But I do hear you and thank you for responding.

[Batya33]

Just now, anotherescape said:

Oh I completely understand- and to be fair it may have only been words on his part. But there were life goals we were in agreement on and working towards- if that wasn't the case, I would have left when the day-to-day issues started happening. 

But I do hear you and thank you for responding.

Watch the feet - the actions - not the lips. I agree with Bolt and I’m sorry it’s not working out !

[MissCanuck]

32 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Pretty much nothing you described indicated you two were "compatible"

I was coming to write the same thing. 

OP, you two moved too quickly and discovered only after that you are not compatible. When you get enaged but need to keep it a secret, there is something really wrong with the relationship. In this case, both of your emotions over-rode your logic and common sense that getting engaged when still barely knew each other was not a good idea. 

This is not just down to bad luck. He was actively house-hunting for himself in spite of the plans to buy together, which tells you what you need to know: he didn't see a future after all and didn't have the courage to be honest. He had been planning his exit. 

49 minutes ago, anotherescape said:

That there was no reason we wouldn't be able to come through this stronger.

While this is a sentimental notion, it's not very realistic. After all the chaos and completely changing the course of the relationship, there are many (valid) reasons you two would not be able to come through this stronger. Everything that happened is very damaging to a relationship and at some point we need to be honest with ourselves that it's not going to work.

You will get through this, but I would slow way down next time. Don't rush past the crticial stage of getting to know the man.  

[Cherylyn]

I can't speak for all couples,  but usually,  two people are compatible when all the pieces of the puzzle fit together harmoniously with the least amount of angst and problems.  If problems are reduced to nil,  all the better.  Generally two people are compatible when overall life is smooth sailing.  There are no problems such as meddlesome or demanding family tugging and pulling at them.  Huge pluses include the following:    sound economics,  stable job,  comfortable work environment,  comfortable finances,  moral character,  empathy,  emotional intelligence,  good health and that type of recipe for security and happiness.  Based upon my experience,  I've observed this in many content couples including myself.  No big revelation there to be sure.  It stands to reason when life is grand,  relationships are easier and definitely more enjoyable.  Why?  Because there is no stress! 

What stood out was his lying to his mother.  Deceit isn't good even if it provides temporary escapism.  If he can lie to his mother,  he can deceive and lie to you or anyone.  ☹️  No one is spared.

He has a lot on his plate with his father's recent heart attack,  prioritizing his family's needs,  new home purchase,  job loss and he can't catch a break.  His turmoil is a burden he must bear.  Unfortunately,  he doesn't have brain space for you.  His own survival and well being comes first and foremost.  I'm sorry.  It's the hard truth.  Whenever a person has insurmountable stress,  it's very difficult to be happy with others if not impossible.

Whenever life is wonderful,  people are kind and nice.  Whenever life turns sour,  upside down and filled with tumult,  people tend to act harshly,  cold,  impersonal or all of it.  This is universal human nature.

I agree.  Becoming friends or resuming contact isn't a good idea.  Best to peacefully part ways and move on.  Politely request no contact and wish him all the best.  If he's relentless doing the "friendlies,"  then block and delete him from your phone and social media.  Over time,  he'll become out of sight out of mind which is mentally healthier for you so you can truly keep moving forward with your life.  Good luck!  🙂

[Anonymous]

Even though breakups hurt and you invested a lot, from your description, especially his family dynamics, it seems more like you dodged a bullet. You have tried everything but he seems quite difficult to get along with or plan anything with.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think appartment was much of an issue. If he wanted to live with you he could have rented his place and still live with you. But he just wanted his own place with or without you. His mother meddling is much huger issue. Your relationship would never work because of that. So its probably for the better that it was over before you started something more like living together. For example, his change in behavior after a week is probably consequence of something "mother dearest" implanted in him. How you are this and that and such. Again, there is no good relationship when there is such meddling from family or even friends. It only makes it more complicated and leads to problems.

[boltnrun]

My mother attempted to meddle in my relationship with my husband (boyfriend at the time) and I just plain didn't allow her to. I wasn't rude about it, I just zoned out while she said things to put him and his family down (not in front of him of course 🙄) and just did what I wanted. I knew she spoke out of jealousy and fear. She feared I would shut her out of my life and didn't seem to understand that I had room in my heart for my boyfriend/husband, his family AND her. In her mind it was either her or them. And I viewed that as a "her" problem that I would not allow to interfere in my relationship. 

Your ex could have done the same. If in fact his mother tried to interfere he could have lovingly said "Mom, I have room in my heart and my life for you and my lady. Please accept her as the person I love and who loves me." But apparently he chose not to.

And THAT is a major incompatibility.

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, anotherescape said:

I (31F) am one month into no contact with my ex (32M). The relationship lasted one year and was a whirlwind. To put it simply, the highs were incredibly high, and unfortunately, the lows were incredibly hurtful for both of us. He instigated the break-up but this followed my request that we reset the relationship since we weren't headed in the right direction and I was concerned that if we kept going the way we were our connection would simply disintegrate and rot with time. So while I wouldn't say this was an amicable or mutual break-up, it also wasn't a surprising one.

You admit so, yourself.  This relationship was a whirlwind and the BU wasn't surprising. 😕 

You're just still reeling about the whole thing.. it's okay .

In time, things will make more sense, once the dust settles and you come to feel more yourself again. ( because, inside you know it was all just too much in every aspect).

From him at your place constantly, to a secret engagement, to his work demands and then his family.... then came you.  He couldn't handle it anymore... it was wearing him down.

Sadly, this relationship fell apart and was unable to build in a healthy manner.

I always say, Life is an experience.  We live, we learn.

Take it easy and be kind to yourself.  In time you'll feel better and be okay to date again. 🙂 

[anotherescape]

Thanks, everyone, for responding so quickly- it's genuinely helpful to hear some outside perspectives on this. 

At least life is a bit more peaceful and quieter now.

 

[Wiseman2]

35 minutes ago, anotherescape said:

Thanks, everyone, for responding so quickly- At least life is a bit more peaceful and quieter now.

Yes you did dodge a bullet. (My other post was "anonymous" by mistake, don't sneeze when you hit submit, lol). I feel you tried hard but he's too joined at the hip with his family. It would have been nothing but headaches and heartaches.

[LootieTootie]

Yes I concur with everyone here. Way too dependent on his mom and his family, and house shopping without even considering you, sounds like you were not prioritize at all.

A lot of people fall for anyone who can say all the right things to their face, and I think that's what happened here. He said all the right things but his actions were clearly not prioritizing you or your relationship.

You have been in no contact with him for a month. Stay the course and stay strong.

[catfeeder]

He and his family were a package deal that was never going to be delivered.

That’s no reflection on you.

Head high.

[Cherylyn]

He has too much baggage and burdens you don't need to carry.  Consider him history in order to live a happy life.  🙂

[Andrina]

Your contribution to not handling things well were making major decisions like getting engaged during the honeymoon period, and to not recognize that being a Mama's boy is a dealbreaker to anyone wanting a satisfying relationship.

I dated a Mama's boy in my teen years, and broke up with him because of that fact plus one other dealbreaker. I vowed to never date a Mama's boy again, and stuck to that wise decision, though being a faulty human, still made other humongous mistakes as far as men went. I think many of my mistakes were made when I had poor self esteem, so think about if yours needs boosting as well, since you still have considered wanting to give him another go if he reaches out to you. We subconsciously choose who we believe we deserve.

On his end, he's been manipulated for so many years by his mother that he's locked in a prison whereas he's the only one with the key.

Some people are weak and choose the less bumpy road of submissive obedience to their family boss because to them, it's preferable to being punished.

He/She sacrifices a normal romantic relationship, long-term anyway, and thoroughly expects the end when their partner has had enough. That's why he was said what he did below:

On 9/6/2023 at 10:19 AM, anotherescape said:

Kept apologising for hurting me and that I deserved better. He also apologised for deprioritising us and for letting his mother's emotions overtake us

I'm sure he's rattled this off to many women before, and he will again.

He's 32 years old. If you think anybody's love will change him into a person who will stand up to his mother, that's a huge, fantastical pipe dream.

I hope you've blocked him, because yes, as most of my exes did, he will reach out at some point. Better that you don't let him, because it might emotionally set you back to square one.

Take this time to pamper yourself and find some happiness solo and spending time with supportive girlfriends. Take care.

[Tinydance]

Well he's right, you do deserve better. The way he was behaving to me seems completely inappropriate. It seems that he was either actually not as into you as he made it out to be. Or he's got a very unhealthy and co-dependent relationship with his family, especially his mother.

When someone really likes/loves someone and is even engaged, it's not normal to keep hiding that person and always putting them second. Who cares if his mother didn't approve of your relationship? If you did nothing wrong then your ex should have stood up for you and basically said: "You have to accept this relationship and that's that". He's in his 30's so why is he playing to his mother's fiddle and just doing every she wants? It's not normal to hide you're engaged because you're scared what your family will think. Unless you're from very different cultural backgrounds or religious and it's not acceptable then what's the problem?

The other thing is maybe he wasn't actually that in love with you so he liked to blame everything on his mother. It doesn't sound to me like he actually wanted to celebrate your anniversary. It doesn't matter that his family came to visit. He could have still taken one day or evening to spend that just with you for your anniversary. It sounds like maybe he was already checking out of the relationship so he preferred to just spend the time with his family and not with you. The fact that he bought his own apartment probably points to this as well. If he wanted a future with you then he would have made it happen. But he chose not to.

Also he is a huge Mummy's boy and acting more like a child or teenager and not a grown man in his 30's.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, Tinydance said:

The other thing is maybe he wasn't actually that in love with you so he liked to blame everything on his mother. It doesn't sound to me like he actually wanted to celebrate your anniversary

I agree. 

I believe at least in some cases he was using his mom as an excuse. He seemed to not really be feeling it anymore and it was easier to blame Mom than be honest about it. 

[anotherescape]

Hi everyone,

Thought I would give everyone a quick update. I'm easing back into dating while taking my time. Everything is going well life-wise.

He broke no contact last week with a voice message to let me know he'd quit his job and to apologise for how I was treated by his mother. Apparently a few conversations were had. I'm taking this with a grain of salt. Beyond congratulating him for the job decision I'm leaving things as they are and moving on.

Thank you to everyone who took the time to give me a heavy dose of much needed reality.