My wife doesn't want to work and I don't know what to do

[anon12349876]

My wife and I have been married for a few years now, and she has stated that she doesn't want to go back to work or have a job. I make enough money to support us both by working a full time job and an about 15 hour a week part time job, and I am starting to reset her quite heavily. 

We do not want kids, so we don't have any right now. It's just us living in our home, and this is a list of the things she takes care of around the house on her own:

1. Groceries
2. Cooks dinner about 3-4 times a week (basically never any breakfast or lunch)
3. Cleans the upstairs area of our house and our living room (this equates to about 60% of the house) probably about once a week
4. Plans our vacations and trips to visit her family (we basically never travel to visit mine unless there is an emergency)
5. Plans most of our dates/events out the house

I've tried explaining to her that I need her to have a job, desire, or dream that she wants to achieve in order for my resentment and feelings to go away, and if she's not going to work then her job is to maintain and keep clean 90% of the home. Her response is that she has done what she's wanted to do in life (we're both under 35), and she's not my maid/cook so she doesn't have to do those things.

I don't know what to do or how to proceed. I do not want to get a divorce, but I need my wife to have a job or something she is pursuing for me to get past my resentment and to restore my emotional attraction to her, and she doesn't seem to want those things. 

[anon12349876]

If more information is needed, please let me know and I am happy to answer/give the information.

[Coily]

That is quite the predicament you are in. What does she do on a typical work day? I can't imagine your house is that monstrous that it would take five 15 hour days to maintain it. She doesn't even have the job of being a mother, is she gaming, watching TV, or going out with friends?

19 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

I've tried explaining to her that I need her to have a job, desire, or dream that she wants to achieve in order for my resentment and feelings to go away, and if she's not going to work then her job is to maintain and keep clean 90% of the home. Her response is that she has done what she's wanted to do in life (we're both under 35), and she's not my maid/cook so she doesn't have to do those things.

This struck me as very sad, so she just wants to rot away and die? While she may not be a maid, what is she doing with her life that is adding value to it for her or your marriage? She is acting like a spoiled child in this marriage, and you have to pick up the rest of the burden.

I don't want to sound overly harsh, but she really needs something of value in her life. Something more than just existing until death.

[Seraphim]

I would just tell her if she has no interest in working you have no interest in paying her part of the bills or cleaning mess of hers or visiting her family or paying for any visit . Marriage isn’t a free ride . 

[anon12349876]

@Coily Most days she spends it sleeping, running errands, playing games, watching TV, planning for an upcoming trip or event, or doing some minor cleaning. We do not have any friends nearby where we live so she doesn't go out and hang out with other people. Her main thing is she wants to be available to be there for her family and be able to go on vacations/trips whenever she wants since I can get days off work really easily, and if she had a job it wouldn't be super easy for her to do the same.

[anon12349876]

@Seraphim  Honestly, that's really harsh and is not something I want to do as it would probably end the marriage. It's more of an attraction thing for me for her to have a desire/goal/aspiration in life that she wants to achieve. 

[bluecastle]

Tough situation. 

For context, I'm curious: What was she like when you met, fell in love, decided to get married? Was she working a job she was passionate about, or expressing passions about different professions? If you and I were having beers a year into your relationship, would you have been praising her drive, her curiosity about life, her aspirations and your confidence in her in these realms? Prior to getting married, did you guys talk at all about what you wanted your shared life to look like? 

Asking in order to understand how much this is a change in her, or in you.

As for you, some more questions: Do you like what you do? Do you want to be working a full time and part time job? Do you enjoy having your vacations pivoting around her family and little around yours? Do you want to plan dates, or have them all planned for you? 

Asking those questions because I think one way to approach this is to come to her with things that you need, for yourself, and what adjustments/plans need to be made together, as a team, to make that happen. That might be a more effective route than telling her the ways that she needs to change or is disappointing you. 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

@Seraphim  Honestly, that's really harsh and is not something I want to do as it would probably end the marriage. It's more of an attraction thing for me for her to have a desire/goal/aspiration in life that she wants to achieve. 

It isn’t harsh it is realistic. I have been a wife for 30 years and worked most of them. I don’t expect my husband to slog it out while I do , not much. Yes, some of those years I have been unemployed . My son is disabled and needed A LOT of support . But I didn’t just say oh gee whiz. I am married now, so I’m going to sit on my arse.

[Kwothe28]

21 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

I would just tell her if she has no interest in working you have no interest in paying her part of the bills or cleaning mess of hers or visiting her family or paying for any visit . Marriage isn’t a free ride . 

This. For example, with what does she pays, lets say, her make up routine? We are men so we need essentials(soap, shampoo, deodorant, perfume, shaving cream and razor etc). But women pay lot more attention to that and spend quite a fortune sometimes. So what does she do when she needs to buy something from cosmetics? Let me guess, ask you for it?

You need to put your foot on the ground. Your wife doesnt work and freeloads because you allow her to not work. That wouldnt be an issue if you had kids because kids and SAHM could be a job on its own, or for example if she had a disability, but your wife is healthy and just freeloads of you. Do you know why? Because you allow her to! She knows you are soft and that you will allow her to freeload as long as she does basic minimum around home.

Again, put your foot on the ground and say that from now on if she doesnt work, she doesnt get money. You work basically 2 jobs. So she can freeload from you. If you want that to change you need to be more tougher. Otherwise she would still order you around while doing nothing to contribute.

[Cherylyn]

Perhaps you can encourage her to find out what she enjoys so if she were to work,  she can actually enjoy her job instead of considering it a drudgery.  Also,  it will get her out of the house and she can interact with other adults.  Perhaps she can try retail close to home.  Since she doesn't have any friends,  it's a good way to make new friends. 

I was a SAHM for several years and I loved those years. 

You might want to try to put a positive spin on job prospects and how it could benefit her instead of only focusing on monetary contributions. 

[anon12349876]

@bluecastle When we first met, we were in college pursuing our degrees, and she put her bachelor degree on hold because we had to move when I graduated, but she has no desire to go back to school to finish her degree. She shows basically no interest in that career anymore as well. We both worked while we were in school, and she had a job most of the time up until we got married. Then, she quit because her job wouldn't give her a day off for our wedding. She has looked for one once after we got married, but hasn't since. She was passionate about what she wanted to do and had goals and aspirations for her life, but it doesn't feel that way anymore. 

I do love what I do for work, but I am tired, exhausted and burnt out. When I bring this up to her and tell her that despite me working this much I do need time for myself to do things I enjoy, she basically says that there are men who work more than me and still sacrifice their personal time for their family so they can be with them. 

We have had a pretty rough relationship and I've honestly treated her quite bad over the years, but am trying to be better. She has mentioned in the past that if she had a job and could pay for things herself, she wouldn't be with me.

[anon12349876]

@Cherylyn I've tried bringing up places like Hobby Lobby for her to work at since she really enjoys that store, but she doesn't want to work retail at all. I've tried bringing up remote work, but she doesn't want to do that either.

[MissCanuck]

7 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

I've honestly treated her quite bad over the years

Meaning? What are some examples?

7 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

She has mentioned in the past that if she had a job and could pay for things herself, she wouldn't be with me

This is really, really not good. It sounds like she is very resentful too, and I am guessing because of whatever happened in the past. 

I am sensing there is far more to this story than her lack of desire to get a job. 

[anon12349876]

@MissCanuck I have had problems controlling my anger in the past, and while it is better now, it's still not great. A lot of small things push me over the edge when it comes to her specifically and our relationship, and I end up saying things and doing things I regret. Note that I have not put my hands on her, hit her, etc, nothing physical. I don't know if it's the pent up resentment that makes act like this with her or something else, but I am generally unhappy in our relationship and I think I take that unhappiness out on her sometimes.

[Seraphim]

14 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

@bluecastle When we first met, we were in college pursuing our degrees, and she put her bachelor degree on hold because we had to move when I graduated, but she has no desire to go back to school to finish her degree. She shows basically no interest in that career anymore as well. We both worked while we were in school, and she had a job most of the time up until we got married. Then, she quit because her job wouldn't give her a day off for our wedding. She has looked for one once after we got married, but hasn't since. She was passionate about what she wanted to do and had goals and aspirations for her life, but it doesn't feel that way anymore. 

I do love what I do for work, but I am tired, exhausted and burnt out. When I bring this up to her and tell her that despite me working this much I do need time for myself to do things I enjoy, she basically says that there are men who work more than me and still sacrifice their personal time for their family so they can be with them. 

We have had a pretty rough relationship and I've honestly treated her quite bad over the years, but am trying to be better. She has mentioned in the past that if she had a job and could pay for things herself, she wouldn't be with me.

I think you guys should get into counselling pronto or just end it . Neither of you sounds very happy or good for each other .  

[Starlight925]

You do need to consider if this marriage is worth saving.

I know you say that it is, but you haven't given any indication that you two should even be together at all:

• Your temper gets the better of you with respect to her.
• She only ever wants to visit her family, no regard for yours
• She's lazy.  At 35, she should be excited, wanting to grow, eager to learn and achieve.
• She's told you, in her own words, that she'd leave you.
• In your own words:  You are unhappy in this relationship.

Let her go.

Let her find some guy with independent wealth who is ok with a housewife with no kids.  

Let her go back to the 1950's and find what she wants.

And you, dear sir, find yourself a woman of today, who will share with you in everything that life has to offer, including a career, hobbies, and a life that includes your family.

[MissCanuck]

12 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

Note that I have not put my hands on her, hit her, etc, nothing physical

Have you been verbally and emotionally abusive to her?

Have you been physically aggressive in other ways, for example throwing things?

 

[anon12349876]

@MissCanuck Yes, we both have, me quite a bit more than her. We have both thrown things, but never at each other. More so out of frustration.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, anon12349876 said:

@MissCanuck Yes, we both have, me quite a bit more than her. We have both thrown things, but never at each other. More so out of frustration.

That is still bad abuse . You guys just need to have this relationship over. What exactly are you both saving at this point ? 
 

 

[itsallgrand]

She doesn't respect you. Honestly, I got angry even reading this. You seem to have a low opinion of women if you think it's ok for women to be mooches as long as they do enough to keep the attraction there. 

 

[bluecastle]

I think the big thing here is not really about her and work but about what is motivating each of you to stay in this marriage. Gun to proverbial head, what's your answer to that question. 

From the outside it sounds like a lot of key ingredients—love, care, respect, admiration—are in short supply, if they're even there at all. If your primary motivation is guilt over how you've behaved in the past (or some idea that your marriage not working represents a personal "failure") and her's is a fear of having to support herself—well, that's just a recipe for resentment, pain, and unhappiness. 

Along with others, I would strongly advise you two to sit down with a counselor. Have you ever broached this, considered it?

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

It isn’t harsh it is realistic. I have been a wife for 30 years and worked most of them. I don’t expect my husband to slog it out while I do , not much. Yes, some of those years I have been unemployed . My son is disabled and needed A LOT of support . But I didn’t just say oh gee whiz. I am married now, so I’m going to sit on my arse.

You worked with your son during that time. Can you imagine if you had to pay someone to do what you did - and even if so i bet anything it wouldn’t have approached all you did and all the extra miles you did. At all !! I know this from all you’ve written and I just know. 
OP - is she willing to do volunteer work - which - might - lead to interest in paying work later. Also what did you discuss before marriage?  Does she have savings and if so does she contribute $ from it ?? 
I would:  stop working part time unless you enjoy it. I would separate your income in a separate account. Your name only. If she wants to buy something that’s just for her including entertainment or get her hair or nails done - that comes out of her $. 
I don’t know of any married couples without children or family obligations (like caring full time for a disabled parent or relative ) where one unilaterally decides no more paid work.  At all. To me it’s completely unacceptable. And I was a SAHM for 7 years (but I came in to the marriage with savings and investments so I contributed to the family income monthly in that way. 

[smackie9]

Just announce that you are cutting back on your hours/quitting the part time job because you don't feel like working so much. Tell her that she will have to cut back on spending and there won't be any money for vacations etc. See what her reaction will be.

IMO she's a freeloader. She's just using you. No honest woman would turn around and say I don't feel like working, you can support my a$$ instead. BUT if you get divorce you will have to keep supporting her anyways. May as well stick it out, and make the bare minimum. 

[itsallgrand]

55 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Perhaps you can encourage her to find out what she enjoys so if she were to work,  she can actually enjoy her job instead of considering it a drudgery.  Also,  it will get her out of the house and she can interact with other adults.  Perhaps she can try retail close to home.  Since she doesn't have any friends,  it's a good way to make new friends. 

I was a SAHM for several years and I loved those years. 

You might want to try to put a positive spin on job prospects and how it could benefit her instead of only focusing on monetary contributions. 

She's not a child. 

What would she do if she didn't have a husband to mooch off of? 

Some people just feel entitled to not work for a living. Sadly lots of ways to do that that's still socially acceptable. 

And the state of their relationship is irrelevant to it. Either you believe in contributing as a value or you don't. She obviously sees it as optional.

 

[Seraphim]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You worked with your son during that time. Can you imagine if you had to pay someone to do what you did - and even if so i bet anything it wouldn’t have approached all you did and all the extra miles you did. At all !! I know this from all you’ve written and I just know. 
OP - is she willing to do volunteer work - which - might - lead to interest in paying work later. Also what did you discuss before marriage?  Does she have savings and if so does she contribute $ from it ?? 
I would:  stop working part time unless you enjoy it. I would separate your income in a separate account. Your name only. If she wants to buy something that’s just for her including entertainment or get her hair or nails done - that comes out of her $. 
I don’t know of any married couples without children or family obligations (like caring full time for a disabled parent or relative ) where one unilaterally decides no more paid work.  At all. To me it’s completely unacceptable. And I was a SAHM for 7 years (but I came in to the marriage with savings and investments so I contributed to the family income monthly in that way. 

Yep, it costs thousands a month for care for disabled children. Respite care is very hard to get and pricy pricy. I will have my son for the rest of my life . He is 25 now and still needs my constant support . Yesterday in itself was a wild day even getting a minor adjustment for his glasses we had meltdown city for several hours . I was just done in by the end of the day. My husband came home from work sick. I developed a migraine from all the stress . 
 

There are MANY ways to contribute to marriage, but lazy isn’t one of them. She could be severely depressed. Either way, both of them need counselling apart, and together or just get out because when the abuse comes out, it isn’t worth it.