Dilemma involving living situation with boyfriend (23F 50M))

[Ilikewalks]

Short Version at the end!

Hi all, I really need help with a hard decision. Nobody around me knows what I should do.

Boyfriend of 3 years (we'll call him Owen) has half custody of his two young teenage kids, and they've been living in a dilapidated house for over 7 years. Owen was doing fulltime maintenence work before we got together, but said he could barely make ends meet. He's been adapted to a very poor way of living for years and years. He quit his maintenence job for a better opportunity, but it didn't work out, and he had to leave that opportunity too.

By that time, we had been together for over a year, I had a long-term, full-time job, living with my parents 2 hours away. He started pursuing a hobby of his full-time, and was enthusiastic on how it would pay off. I would visit him regularly and help him with it. We put together a business plan, I left my job, moved in with him, and we ambitiously tried working this business fulltime together.

Business didn't work out the way we hoped, and our relationship suffered due to the financial stress. I was so worried about making bills and feeding everybody that I ended up getting a job pretty early on. I hated it, quit, then would get another job. That cycle continued until I landed back at the job I previously had, but the location closest to our house (30 minutes). He would casually work the business, and started a food delivery gig to scrape up his half of the bills. This went on for about a year.

Then, he broke up with me, (because i was too stressed and negative) And i had to move back with my parents.

 

a few months went by, we talked everything out, and slowly got back together, but living apart. Then, we started pursuing a different hobby together, and it was more lucrative than the previous. I would stay there for a few weeks at a time because we were both needed for the production. This goes on for a short while, and I tell him, I still want to live with my parents for this time being. I want to get a job, build my bank account, but visit him weekly and push our business ahead when I'm there.

He wants me to stay with him, build the business. He doesn't want to be apart.

I would love to live with him, but he is comfortable just getting by financially, and I am not. I don't feel like I should be the only one with a regular job to make ends meet. All of the responsibilities would fall on me if his food delivery gig were to tank. And I cannot possibly be happy with wondering day after day where gas money, grocery money and bill money is going to come from, and helping take care of two kids (who I love and adore). It's just a LOT. What do I do?

Short Version: Boyfriend with 2 kids, living in a dilapidated house, wants to keep casually working our new business with no other income, does food delivery to barely make bills, but wants me to live with him to work on our business. I need more money to survive in the meantime, but I don't want to be the only one with a job; all the responsibilities would fall on me if his food delivery gig tanked.

 

Thanks all for the advice ❤️

[arjumand]

I am sorry, but you need to get this guy out of your life. He wants you to make his business work and that is why he wants you to move in. He wants you to worry about feeding his family and then gets to break up with you because you are stressed and negative having to handle his poor life decisions. You can do better than this. You do not need, at 23, to be taking on an older man with practically grown kids and solve his problems. Stop making decisions based on this relationship. 
 

Now is the time to build YOUR future, to work on the career and lifestyle you want and to determine what kind of life you want. I am certain you can find a far better partner who is in charge of his own life. And even if you can’t, you are better off alone than being dragged down by this guy. 

[Jibralta]

If he's this way when he's 50 years old, he will always be this way.

[Kwothe28]

27 year difference? That guy better be Adonis himself when you are still thinking on being with him in that conditions lol

Anyway, he is 50 years old. He wont magically change now. He got used to in just "getting by" and trying his luck. I  know guys like that, always trying for next scheme that would get them out of their situation. I have an aquitance like that. He has a failed marriage, a kid, minimum wage job. But tries to run a bar on the side and tries for a music career. Thing is, he is not successful in either of those. Because he lacks dedication. In order to run a bar successfully he would have to dedicate to that, work full time or even more and maybe even employ somebody to work when he cant. And to succesfully live of music, he would have to join some band and have gigs at other bars or even weddings. Which also requires time that he doesnt have. So he scraps by. He is literally your boyfriend in a few years. Somebody that has ideas, but lacks full dedication to successfully makes them into something profitable.

Anyway, your boyfriend is never going to change. He will always be like that and you shouldnt expect you would be better financially then you were before.

Truth to be said, I dont think you are in a better state yourself. You live with your parents so you can put some money on the side. Even if we take out boyfriend out of the picture, if you live on your own, you would also scrap by with money probably. But your advantage is that you are 23 year old. You still have time to figure things out for yourself. Your boyfriend on the other hand doesnt have that. He has 2 kids, a house in a bad condition and barely survives on what he has. I am sorry but he would just drag you along with him. 

[smackie9]

The writing is on the wall. You only choice is to go at it alone and I know you can do it. You don't need this guy. He's excess baggage and it's getting in the way of your goals. Good on you that you can see the problem and it's just him. You go girl, you go out on your own and be successful with your life on your terms. He's just using you. You don't need to put up with that crap. 

[Ilikewalks]

3 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Truth to be said, I dont think you are in a better state yourself. You live with your parents so you can put some money on the side. Even if we take out boyfriend out of the picture, if you live on your own, you would also scrap by with money probably. But your advantage is that you are 23 year old. You still have time to figure things out for yourself.

For sure, thank you for that perspective! I acknowledge that without my parents, I would definitely be in a less comfy situation financially. But, BF and I moved in together so quickly, (bad judgment call on my end) that I had to shift my whole way of living, and fast. Whereas before, I was saving money and had other goals outside of my job to help me along. I also have thought about what I would do if I were in his situation - I am completely sensitive to him and his desires in life, but if the discomfort of being broke and not able to fully provide for kids surpassed that, I would get up and find work that alleviated the situation. I believe that would even help the dedication toward the business, because you're not starring from a negative baseline financially or mentally (stress). 

[Ilikewalks]

1 minute ago, Ilikewalks said:

because you're not starring from a negative baseline financially or mentally (stress). 

Starting*

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, Ilikewalks said:

he is comfortable just getting by financially, and I am not.

This is a fundamentally incompatible difference in values, and for me, it wouldn't work. 

I would wish him the best on his business venture, and see myself out. 

[Lambert]

There are so many red flags here. You're not compatible.  at completely different stages of life. Want completely different things.

you have a ton of choices why would you chose this guy? 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Ilikewalks said:

Boyfriend of 3 years has half custody of his two young teenage kids, and they've been living in a dilapidated house for over 7 years. 

Sorry this is happening.  How did you meet?

There's no need or reason for you to support a 50 year old man and his 2 teens..

You made the right choice. Moving out and going back home. Please focus on your own future, career development, health and wellbeing.

He can go to social services for help with financial difficulties, food, career training and employment help. His children need appropriate housing, food, education and guidance. Where is their mother? 

Please extricate yourself from this so he discontinues pipedreaming and gets paid employment to support his family. Try not to enable him .

[SooSad33]

10 hours ago, Ilikewalks said:

Business didn't work out the way we hoped, and our relationship suffered due to the financial stress. I was so worried about making bills and feeding everybody that I ended up getting a job pretty early on. I hated it, quit, then would get another job. That cycle continued until I landed back at the job I previously had, but the location closest to our house (30 minutes). He would casually work the business, and started a food delivery gig to scrape up his half of the bills. This went on for about a year.

Then, he broke up with me, (because i was too stressed and negative) And i had to move back with my parents.

I agree to stay where you are.  As it already failed between you two, when he broke it off with you - too much stress & strain on you...

Also, the fact that you again agreed to follow & assist in another of his 'jobs' - wondering again.. should it fail.

yup, limit yourself and take it all slowly.  For your own well-being.

[LootieTootie]

If you moved back with him, you would be his live-in girlfriend, mother to his kids, his business partner, his co-worker and oh his social worker. 

Be smart and tell him No thanks. 

[shouldhavelearned]

You should move on

[Cherylyn]

It sounds like you'll always be stuck in the poorhouse with a guy like that and the generation gap between you two will not work out.  I'll chime in with others.  Exit the relationship and move on. 

[catfeeder]

Most new businesses fail, and those that survive the first year are typically not profitable for yet another year or two, at least.

So this man will remain in a financial deficit for the next couple years at least.

What do you envision for your own future in terms of having an equal financial contributor as a partner and possibly starting a family?

If you have even a whiff of hope in that direction, this guy is NOT a good match.

[boltnrun]

Why won't he just get a job?

Trust me, age discrimination is a thing. If he wastes another few years on unsuccessful "hobby" businesses and then needs to get an actual job he will have a tough time. I got passed over for jobs I'm infinitely qualified for because they wanted someone younger. 

At least you have an out. Those poor teen kids have to live in an environment where they're barely scraping by. Very irresponsible of their father to put them in that position.

[Kim Conley]

Well ms. lay my true opinion on this is that he know's you love his kids, he knows you love him, but he needs to let you continue to livwe with your parents until the family is financially stable, He needs a fulltime job for one, he has to support 2 kids and for 2 the bills needs to be paid until the business actually goes abroad and one or the other or both can say baby we made it, now its time to make some life changing decisions. I would not move back with him and have all the bills and the kids to worry about until he decides to get a stable job, you don't need that burden and you are not being selfish, you are being careful and he should respect your decision if he loves you

[Type O Negative]

On 6/14/2023 at 2:03 PM, Ilikewalks said:

Short Version at the end!

Hi all, I really need help with a hard decision. Nobody around me knows what I should do.

Boyfriend of 3 years (we'll call him Owen) has half custody of his two young teenage kids, and they've been living in a dilapidated house for over 7 years. Owen was doing fulltime maintenence work before we got together, but said he could barely make ends meet. He's been adapted to a very poor way of living for years and years. He quit his maintenence job for a better opportunity, but it didn't work out, and he had to leave that opportunity too.

By that time, we had been together for over a year, I had a long-term, full-time job, living with my parents 2 hours away. He started pursuing a hobby of his full-time, and was enthusiastic on how it would pay off. I would visit him regularly and help him with it. We put together a business plan, I left my job, moved in with him, and we ambitiously tried working this business fulltime together.

Business didn't work out the way we hoped, and our relationship suffered due to the financial stress. I was so worried about making bills and feeding everybody that I ended up getting a job pretty early on. I hated it, quit, then would get another job. That cycle continued until I landed back at the job I previously had, but the location closest to our house (30 minutes). He would casually work the business, and started a food delivery gig to scrape up his half of the bills. This went on for about a year.

Then, he broke up with me, (because i was too stressed and negative) And i had to move back with my parents.

 

a few months went by, we talked everything out, and slowly got back together, but living apart. Then, we started pursuing a different hobby together, and it was more lucrative than the previous. I would stay there for a few weeks at a time because we were both needed for the production. This goes on for a short while, and I tell him, I still want to live with my parents for this time being. I want to get a job, build my bank account, but visit him weekly and push our business ahead when I'm there.

He wants me to stay with him, build the business. He doesn't want to be apart.

I would love to live with him, but he is comfortable just getting by financially, and I am not. I don't feel like I should be the only one with a regular job to make ends meet. All of the responsibilities would fall on me if his food delivery gig were to tank. And I cannot possibly be happy with wondering day after day where gas money, grocery money and bill money is going to come from, and helping take care of two kids (who I love and adore). It's just a LOT. What do I do?

Short Version: Boyfriend with 2 kids, living in a dilapidated house, wants to keep casually working our new business with no other income, does food delivery to barely make bills, but wants me to live with him to work on our business. I need more money to survive in the meantime, but I don't want to be the only one with a job; all the responsibilities would fall on me if his food delivery gig tanked.

 

Thanks all for the advice ❤️

You can't be serious. You come across as  a clever ambitious and naive kid. He's lost the plot and is  taking the p***, sorry to say - I'm 52, I know how his brain works. Don't do this to yourself.. You've got your whole life ahead of you, you don't need him and his crap in it, tell him to go find a 70 y old sugar mummy! Then go out and find a gorgeous boy your age to experience life with!

[Tinydance]

Well, if we took your very large age gap out of the equation, I still think this is a bad situation for you. It's not your responsibility to financially support your boyfriend or his kids. He should be the one working and providing for his children. He's a 50-year-old man so he needs to be mature enough to understand that if his business ideas aren't working out, he needs to get another job.

He's expecting you to live with him and carry most of the financial load which is ridiculous. He's 50 and he's a father and you're a young woman in your 20's. The fact he even has a 23-year-old girlfriend is very lucky for him in and of itself! Lol But he expects all this from you and then dumped you because you're "stressed and negative". Anyone would be really stressed in this situation.

I don't really see what you find good about this situation. If you do want to stay with your boyfriend then I think don't live with him and don't help him out financially. I think you've done more than enough and financially he has to pick up the slack on his own. Also if the kids are teenagers they might even be able to get a small side job or will be able to soon. That's great you love them but you're not actually their mother so you don't need to finance them.