what should I do?

[wiselemon]

So I've been really good friends with this guy for a few years and we started seeing each other as more than friends for the past few months. We hang out at least once a week and it's been fun. When we see each other we are happy and always have a really good time. We pretty much talk daily and like each other a lot but never discussed exclusivity. Anyways, I found out that he is still using a dating app, and a girl from out of state where he's at for work this month just followed him on IG. As I've mentioned we aren't exclusive but he did tell me before that I'm the only girl he's seeing and he isn't dating anyone else. So I confronted him about the dating app and the new girl following him to which he responded "I'm not dating I was just chatting on the app. The girl added me on IG so I added her back. That's it. It’s not that important. But I am single so I didn’t put much thought into it. But I feel bad cuz it hurt you. I’m not seeing other people. I like seeing you. We hang out almost every weekend and I like that. I won't chat with other girls. You’re very important to me and I care about you. I feel sad about this cuz I made you feel sad." 

We patched things up that night and I thanked him for being honest. Anyways, the next day I notice that the same girl started following him on Spotify which I found suspicious because he doesn't share his Spotify with anyone (I was his only follower). So again I asked him "Did you hang out with this girl? How did she find your account?" To which he responded "She sent me music like weeks ago. I'm not doing this You're off my Spotify." so he blocked me on Spotify, and I said "ok that's a little harsh, hope she's worth it" to which he replied "Don't talk to me".  I did not reply to that message, and I have been in No Contact now for almost 2 weeks. I know he is really mad at me, and I realize that I was being a little snarky saying "hope she's worth it", and I know that stalking his social media isn't good. Should I apologize to him or should I wait for him to reach out first? 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, wiselemon said:

So I've been really good friends with this guy for a few years and we started seeing each other as more than friends for the past few months. 

Sorry this is happening. How old is he? Unfortunately he's looking for casual. Stay no contact and use this time to reflect if you just want FWB or a relationship. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men. 

Unfortunately this isn't going anywhere and FWB rarely end well for this reason. One person wants casual sex and the other wants a relationship .

[Tinydance]

Personally I wouldn't reach out. I guess this guy technically didn't do anything wrong because you weren't exclusive. The thing is that it really doesn't sound like he actually wants to be exclusive with you or actually date you. If you were good friends for a few years and seeing each other for a few months, this guy should know by now if he wants a relationship with you. And he probably doesn't because he's on dating apps and he's meeting other women, e.g. on his work trip. 

I think what he said to you when you confronted him was just what he thought you wanted to hear. If he really cares about you and you're important to him then why is he trying to meet other women? If he had real feelings for you I don't think he'd feel the need to meet others. 

The way he reacted when you asked him about that girl was very rude. Basically he was sending you a message: "Don't question what I'm doing or you'll be blocked and I'll tell you to f off". That's because he actually wants to see other women and he's not happy that you're confronting him about it. 

I think if you just want casual/FWB then you can reach out to him. But I think he's made it pretty clear hy his actions that he has no interest in being exclusive or dating you. It's now been two weeks and you've heard nothing from him. That's not the behaviour of someone who cares about you and considers you important.

[lostandhurt]

He was acting like he was NOT in a committed and well defined relationship and you were acting like you were.

 If the roles were reversed how would you feel about being called a liar and a cheater?  That is basically what you did not to mention you were stalking his online presence. 

 He is thinking you are needy, insecure and stalker-ish.

If you wanted an exclusive relationship with him you should have stated that, not gone down the route you took.

 If you want to patch this up you first need to figure out why you acted and reacted like you did and then if you are sorry for your accusations and how you handled the situation reach out and apologize to him. He may accept it or he may not.

 Lost

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, wiselemon said:

. I'm not doing this You're off my Spotify." so he blocked me on Spotify, and I said "ok that's a little harsh, hope she's worth it" to which he replied "Don't talk to me".

Delete and block him. Don't put up with being treated like disposable trash and guys who talk to you this way.

[Tinydance]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Delete and block him. Don't put up with being treated like disposable trash and guys who talk to you this way.

Yes. I also don't think there's much point saying you want an exclusive relationship when it's actually quite clear that HE doesn't want one. Also if this guy was a good friend to you for a few years then why does he speak to you so rudely? He could say he actually doesn't want a relationship with you if he wanted to be honest. I don't think there was a need to block you from Spotify and be like: "Don't talk to me" and ignore you for two weeks. Why bother with this guy when there are lots of other guys out there?

[wiselemon]

I appreciate your help everyone. I know continuing no contact is probably best even though a part of me wants to apologize to him for acting the way I did since we were never exclusive. I think he spoke to me so rudely because he has an avoidant attachment style and I clearly triggered his emotions. It sucks and I hope he reaches out to me at some point. In the meantime I'm going to try to move on and date other people. 

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, wiselemon said:

 a part of me wants to apologize to him for acting the way I did since we were never exclusive. I think he spoke to me so rudely because....  

Don't allow technicalities to cloud your judgement. You have nothing to apologize for or explain. 

Definitely do not make excuses to yourself about his "triggers" and attachment styles. He spoke rudely to you because he's just a dishonest, disrespectful player. 

Definitely date others so you can experience what it's like to be loved and respected.

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, wiselemon said:

...but never discussed exclusivity.

You have an option to define 'exclusivity' as limited to only being sexual with one another for safety reasons, which is an agreement you can negotiate regardless of how early you want to have sex, versus an 'exclusive commitment' to a long term relationship.

I'd get clear with myself where I WANT to stand with my OWN goals for dating. This is an important step to not overlook, because it gives you a stable base from which to operate going forward. You can screen potential dates IN or OUT based on whether he shares your goals for pursuing a real relationship.

This guy was not compatible. He tried to be respectful of your feelings, but he didn't share them--you both wanted different things. By the second inquiry, he felt monitored. But someone who was compatible with what you wanted would not have behaved in ways with other women that made you feel insecure.

So get your own clarity about What You Want, and then ONLY date guys who align with your private goals. There's no need to pretzel yourself for the kind of 'casual' that doesn't feel right for you.

[Kwothe28]

I wouldnt bother with this one. If he wanted to be exclusive and monogamous he would be exclusive and monogamous. Meaning that he wouldnt "just chat with women on dating apps" or add suspicious women on Instagram and Spotify. But be with you in a monogamous relationship. But he doesnt want that. He wants to have your cake and to eat it too. Meaning to just have sex with you every week and date others too. While telling you fairy tales like "Oh I am just seeing you honey, those other women mean nothing to me, I just chat with them". That he blocked you on Spotify because you noticed he added same woman you told him you have a problem with and gone "no contact", says a lot about what kind of a guy you have there. Be glad that he is gone. And next time find somebody who would appreciate you enough not to go around and "talk to" another women.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, wiselemon said:

Should I apologize to him or should I wait for him to reach out first? 

I woudn't reach out, but I also wouldn't be waiting around for him to do so. Look, if he wanted to actually date you, he would be doing so. Instead, he's on a dating app checking out other options. 

That should tell you all you need to know. It's time for you to move on. 

[SooSad33]

4 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Personally I wouldn't reach out. I guess this guy technically didn't do anything wrong because you weren't exclusive. The thing is that it really doesn't sound like he actually wants to be exclusive with you or actually date you. If you were good friends for a few years and seeing each other for a few months, this guy should know by now if he wants a relationship with you. And he probably doesn't because he's on dating apps and he's meeting other women, e.g. on his work trip. 

I think what he said to you when you confronted him was just what he thought you wanted to hear. If he really cares about you and you're important to him then why is he trying to meet other women? If he had real feelings for you I don't think he'd feel the need to meet others. 

 

4 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

If the roles were reversed how would you feel about being called a liar and a cheater?  That is basically what you did not to mention you were stalking his online presence. 

 He is thinking you are needy, insecure and stalker-ish.

I agree with all of this.

Is up to you in the end, if you choose to reach out again or not - but it just may be that because you crossed that line ( of friendship), things may have changed now, to where he may not want to be a 'friend' anymore 😕 . Is often why it's best to NOT get involved with friends.

Think a little more on all of this and if it's maybe best to just leave well enough alone and move on with things. Expect no more.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, wiselemon said:

I appreciate your help everyone. I know continuing no contact is probably best even though a part of me wants to apologize to him for acting the way I did since we were never exclusive. I think he spoke to me so rudely because he has an avoidant attachment style and I clearly triggered his emotions. It sucks and I hope he reaches out to me at some point. In the meantime I'm going to try to move on and date other people. 

Nothing to do with styles or psychospeak. In this situation you two wanted different things and you accepted casual sex and casual interactions even though you actually wanted more and then you took it out on him.  That would trigger anyone whatever style.  Have the style of self-respect and being honest with yourself -not sure what that's called -something like basic common sense - treat yourself with respect and others will too/play nicely in the sandbox, that sorta thing.  

I'm glad you're going to move on.  Be very careful not to rationalize settling in the future.

[wiselemon]

To those saying that it's up to me to reach out: I'm on the fence about this. Part of me wants to just be cordial and apologize for my actions, and the other part of me wants to respect the boundary he put in place saying "don't talk to me". Shouldn't it be up to him to choose whether or not to reach out? Either way I am going to be more clear in communicating what I want moving forward. 

[lostandhurt]

An apology is the right thing to do and you don't have to talk to him to do it.

You can email him the apology and then just leave it at that.  Like I said above you need to do more than just say "I am sorry I acted crazy"  You need to figure out why you did all that and include it in your apology.

 I am curious if this is the first time you pulled this on a guy you were dating or if it is a pattern?

  Send him and email since it will not be a text or message he feels he needs to respond to.  You could write an old fashion letter too, that would show more of an genuine apology since it takes way more effort.

You screwed up and said and did things that should be apologized for so do it for yourself.  If nothing else you made the effort to say sorry to a friend.

 Lost

[wiselemon]

35 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

An apology is the right thing to do and you don't have to talk to him to do it.

You can email him the apology and then just leave it at that.  Like I said above you need to do more than just say "I am sorry I acted crazy"  You need to figure out why you did all that and include it in your apology.

 I am curious if this is the first time you pulled this on a guy you were dating or if it is a pattern?

  Send him and email since it will not be a text or message he feels he needs to respond to.  You could write an old fashion letter too, that would show more of an genuine apology since it takes way more effort.

You screwed up and said and did things that should be apologized for so do it for yourself.  If nothing else you made the effort to say sorry to a friend.

 Lost

How does something like this sound? 

"I want to apologize for how I behaved a couple weeks ago. I had no right to accuse you of anything. I realize that analyzing your online presence was wrong and for that I am so sorry. It was my fault for not properly communicating that I want to be monogamous (at minimum being sexual with one another for safety reasons). I assumed we were on the same page which is why I behaved like that. I know I screwed up and I hurt you and I don't expect you to forgive me but I just want you to know that I am genuinely sorry."

[Wonderstruck]

4 hours ago, wiselemon said:

How does something like this sound? 

"I want to apologize for how I behaved a couple weeks ago. I had no right to accuse you of anything. I realize that analyzing your online presence was wrong and for that I am so sorry. It was my fault for not properly communicating that I want to be monogamous (at minimum being sexual with one another for safety reasons). I assumed we were on the same page which is why I behaved like that. I know I screwed up and I hurt you and I don't expect you to forgive me but I just want you to know that I am genuinely sorry."

Oh no, sis, don't do it!

You were well-within your rights to call him out, and I actually think your line of "Hope she's worth it" was PERFECT.

As others have said, he's a disrespectful player. He knew EXACTLY what he was doing.

Also, how old is he that he thought it was okay to completely shut down and say "Don't talk to me"?

Trust your initial instinct and have nothing more to do with this guy.

[smackie9]

It's obvious you wanted and were hoping for exclusivity...and he wasn't giving it to you. That put you in a spot of acting out in desperation instead of communicating about it to him. BUT if he wanted to be serious enough with you, you shouldn't have to ask. His actions showed you where you stood with him. You should have walked away. Acting out is no way to get a guy to flip and say yes to a relationship, so lesson learned there no big deal, we all may have done it ourselves. Truth be told: Your answer was in his actions and that IMO should be enough. Groveling/giving an apology will not make him come around and give you another chance. He knew you were getting attached and did nothing about it...that speaks volumes about him. I say just walk away and don't look back...just be done with it.

[wiselemon]

Honestly I don't want to be in a long term relationship with this guy anymore (he's a 30 year old weasel with commitment and communication issues lol). But I do miss him as a friend, that's why my dumb little brain keeps going back and forth between apologizing vs staying in no contact. I wonder if he will reach out to me on his own after not hearing from me for a while...

[Lambert]

10 minutes ago, wiselemon said:

Honestly I don't want to be in a long term relationship with this guy anymore (he's a 30 year old weasel with commitment and communication issues lol). But I do miss him as a friend, that's why my dumb little brain keeps going back and forth between apologizing vs staying in no contact. I wonder if he will reach out to me on his own after not hearing from me for a while...

For what it's worth I think you were right and his reaction was over the top. 

If you chase him, which apologizing/reaching out will clearly be, no matter how you phrase things. 

Once respect is gone, the relationship, friendship or romantic, is dead. 

Sorry to lose a friend, but he should value you, too. "don't talk me" means don't talk to me.  

He was a jerk and he too proud to say it.  You were right to say you hope she was worth it, because clearly this is the hill he decided to die on. He left you no where to go but away. 

Give it time.  Life goes on. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, wiselemon said:

 forth between apologizing vs staying in no contact. I wonder if he will reach out to me on his own after not hearing from me for a while...

You're right about "30 year old weasel"

He has your contact info. It's better to stay no contact since he asked you not to contact him.  Don't chase men who treat you so disrespectfully.

Just free yourself from this poor treatment.

[Jibralta]

18 hours ago, wiselemon said:

a part of me wants to apologize to him for acting the way I did since we were never exclusive. I think he spoke to me so rudely because he has an avoidant attachment style and I clearly triggered his emotions.

I would definitely NOT apologize to him. I think what you said was perfectly ok. I don't think 'avoidant attachment style' justifies the fact that he was bullshtting you about the other girl. It's obvious that he thinks very highly of himself. Good riddance.

[Tinydance]

10 hours ago, lostandhurt said:

An apology is the right thing to do and you don't have to talk to him to do it.

You can email him the apology and then just leave it at that.  Like I said above you need to do more than just say "I am sorry I acted crazy"  You need to figure out why you did all that and include it in your apology.

 I am curious if this is the first time you pulled this on a guy you were dating or if it is a pattern?

  Send him and email since it will not be a text or message he feels he needs to respond to.  You could write an old fashion letter too, that would show more of an genuine apology since it takes way more effort.

You screwed up and said and did things that should be apologized for so do it for yourself.  If nothing else you made the effort to say sorry to a friend.

 Lost

To be honest I don't completely agree with everything you're saying. I agree that they weren't exclusive. But she actually asked him about him being on dating apps and he said something like: "I feel really bad that I hurt you and made you sad. You're important to me and I care about you. I won't talk to other girls".

He actually had the choice of saying: "Yeah sorry I don't want a relationship and I'm also seeing other women." Instead he seems to have just said some fake things that he thought she wanted to hear. I mean seems he was lying because obviously she's not that important to him judging by the way he treated her in the end.

After he said she was important to him, etc. she obviously believed him and thought he wasn't going to see other girls. And just because she asked about that girl from his trip, he was really rude, blocked her and was like: "Don't talk to me." I don't really see why she actually has to apologise? Fair enough if he actually said to her: "Yeah we're just casual and I'm seeing others" but he actually didn't say that. You're making it sound like it's all her fault and she acted like some kind of nutcase. This guy said something to her that he didn't mean so that's actually on him.

[MissCanuck]

9 hours ago, wiselemon said:

ut I do miss him as a friend,

You two can't be friends. You are romantically attached to him, and he doesn't feel the same way about you. Friendship is futile, in this case. It will hurt you too much when he dates someone else who isn't you. 

Raise the bar. Don't settle for men or "friends" like this. And for heaven's sake- don't go sending him that apology message! Whimpering for a man like this who doesn't care about you is going to make you cringe into oblivion someday. 

Just let it - and him - go. 

[lostandhurt]

On 4/30/2023 at 7:13 AM, wiselemon said:

How does something like this sound? 

"I want to apologize for how I behaved a couple weeks ago. I had no right to accuse you of anything. I realize that analyzing your online presence was wrong and for that I am so sorry. It was my fault for not properly communicating that I want to be monogamous (at minimum being sexual with one another for safety reasons). I assumed we were on the same page which is why I behaved like that. I know I screwed up and I hurt you and I don't expect you to forgive me but I just want you to know that I am genuinely sorry."

  There are a lot of assumptions being thrown around about this guys character and intentions towards you.  If you look back to how he responded when you first asked him about the dating app and the IG girl he responded in a very open and respectful way to you.  Only when you went to far did he respond in kind.   

  All anyone knows is what has been discussed between you two and it was not being exclusive, not monogamous, not talking to girls on IG, not anything except a casual thing with no apparent boundaries discussed.  How is he wrong and the bad guy in all this?

 In the end you weren't wrong to feel the way you did, how you reacted was wrong and he is an old friend so when you wrong a friend you should apologize it is that simple.  It doesn't harm you one little bit and in fact it actually builds your character. If you are sorry for your words and actions then say it to him and it will put a pin this whole situation and perhaps you could be friends once again sometime down the road.

 In today's society Grace and Forgiveness are becoming extinct as snap judgements and the willingness to discard people is the knee jerk reaction far to many times.   You were friends for a long time for a reason correct?  Well he must have had some redeeming qualities if you were friends and then you thought enough of him to start a physical relationship with him. 

  If nothing else the apology is for yourself as much as him.

 Lost