Dating an ugly guy

[Daisy Brown]

Ok the title is a bit harsh. He’s not exactly ugly, but he’s not really hot - hot either. He’s more like ugly-hot. But he is charming af. And he has many other good qualities, but is not perfect ofc. We have our disagreements.

I have many options. Several of them being “perfect on paper”, hot, treating me well etc etc

But I only want this one guy, I couldn’t care less about the others 

but I feel societal pressure to date someone “in my league” or with more common interests 

Am I weird for not wanting to?

[dias]

Just now, Daisy Brown said:

societal pressure

Like?

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Daisy Brown said:

to date someone “in my league” or with more common interests 

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What things do you have in common? Are you compatible? Are you attracted to him? Do you feel like you're settling?

Is it possible that he's just in the "ok for now" basket until you can get someone else?  Reflect why you would date someone you don't have much in common with and who you feel is beneath you.

[MissCanuck]

If you’re attracted to him, that’s all that matters. Others don’t get a vote.
 

And if you’re surrounded by people who judge like this, you need to surround yourself with better-quality people. 

[Daisy Brown]

15 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How old is he? What things do you have in common? Are you compatible? Are you attracted to him? Do you feel like you're settling?

Is it possible that he's just in the "ok for now" basket until you can get someone else?  Reflect why you would date someone you don't have much in common with and who you feel is beneath you.

Been dating a couple of months. He’s older than me. I am attracted to him. And we are pretty compatible, but not perfect.

I do have other options. I went on a couple of dates with an extremely attractive man who I have lots and lots in common with. But I simply do not feel as drawn to him.

 I do not understand why

My brain tells me to choose the other guy, my heart tells me to chose the first

[Daisy Brown]

3 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

If you’re attracted to him, that’s all that matters. Others don’t get a vote.
 

And if you’re surrounded by people who judge like this, you need to surround yourself with better-quality people. 

Very true, thanku

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Been dating a couple of months.  I went on a couple of dates with an extremely attractive man who I have lots and lots in common with. But I simply do not feel as drawn to him.

Are you exclusive? It seems like you are torn between what looks good on paper or social media and that elusive quality sometimes called "chemistry". 

Since it's all new, play it by ear and see how things go. There's no need at this point to dump him or decide anything in particular about other guys you date and feel attracted to.

[Jibralta]

2 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Am I weird for not wanting to?

No. You do you. Don't worry about perceived societal pressure.

[Batya33]

54 minutes ago, Jibralta said:

No. You do you. Don't worry about perceived societal pressure.

I would not continue dating this person as it's not fair to him.  He deserves someone who either wouldn't worry to this extent about so-called "societal pressure" (which I've never heard of -date within your "league" as far as looks??? pressure to do so from "society??")  - or if it did cross his/her mind it would be laughed off/off the radar in seconds. Do you hang out with people who are into arm candy and if so-that's fine -but why in the world would you sign on to that mindset?

Why in the world are you surprised you lack chemistry with a person who is "hot" by objective standards? That's not surprising at all -that's typical of chemistry. 

If you find him attractive and you have chemistry that is all that matters. 

Like -if you were getting over a bout of hives and had some scars on your face makeup couldn't cover and had a wedding to attend with his BFFs and family - would you be ok if he said "you know what -stay home -I feel societal pressure to date within my league and since you're not looking so hot with all those old hives on your face I don't need the comments from some of my family/friends -see ya later and I'll bring you home some more of that cortisone cream, k?

He deserves someone who is proud to be with him and who would give that look to anyone who seemed "surprised" you were dating someone not as attractive looking a you could "get".  This happened to me many years ago -I dated a man who was objectively unattractive looking and I was attracted to him, found him attractive, we had chemistry.  At a work event a very pretty coworker dating a hot looking guy stared at me with a look when I brought him over to introduce -the look was clear "what are you doing with him??"  I was more attractive looking. 

Coincidentally her hot boyfriend got engaged to her, then ended things (she was so full of herself) to date and marry a woman he met on a train -who wasn't as objectively attractive.  Hmmmmm.

End things with him if you are this worried -let him find someone who cherishes him. 

Sex And The City: 10 Episodes To Watch If You Miss Charlotte & Harry (screenrant.com) - read this - there is a specific episode where Harry realizes Charlotte is worried about what people will think of her dating a man less attractive than she is.

[Coily]

The question is do you want to date him for him, or date an accessory? Do you want some shallow, vapid hot dude bro who can't rub two braincells together; or date this gent who checks a lot of your relationship needs?

Also when "societal pressure" tells you who to date, rather than who you find romantically interesting; that speaks volumes about your character.

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

Damn must be nice to be ugly and actually find a woman who will give you a shot...even then clearly it's just a matter of time til she moves on to someone else conventionally attractive. And people try and say looks don't matter...lol

She is one individual who has some notion about societal pressure to date people who are at least as objectively attractive as you are. People have all sorts of notions.  You have a notion that people say looks don't matter. Of course they matter to most people in dating -with rare exception.  They mattered to me too. It depends how much, why, the context, etc - please don't generalize from this one person's comments and notions.

[Batya33]

43 minutes ago, Coily said:

The question is do you want to date him for him, or date an accessory? Do you want some shallow, vapid hot dude bro who can't rub two braincells together; or date this gent who checks a lot of your relationship needs?

Also when "societal pressure" tells you who to date, rather than who you find romantically interesting; that speaks volumes about your character.

Gosh I wish I could have put it as succintly as you - her post "triggered" me in the way you describe above and I chose to overshare!

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

It's not a generalization, it's a perfect display of where things are. Indicative of more women than people want to admit to (and I'm not being sexist, I'm sure high-tier, attractive men operate the same way) Most women have too many options to lower their standards to anything but their total preference in most every metric. And if you're not that, even if she likes you and you have quantifiable positive traits, it's not enough. Not when it's so easy to filter through men with SM and OLD. No reason to ignore the truth. Countless topics and threads like this reinforce this and similar "notions".  If you're a man you're just kinda screwed if you're not exceptional.

Your opinion.  Not facts.  I respectfully disagree and I don't need to be "right" so no interest in debating. You're engaging in self-sabotage -my opinion-to stay in your negative comfort zone -it's easier that way but far less rewarding IMO for those people who seek committed romantic relationships, deep, meaningful friendships (because so often those negative generalizations even get in the way of meaningful platonic relationships), or even fun casual dating/activity partners with a romantic attraction.  If you want none of those things then stay all comfy but it's a shame when the choice is made because of these negative generalizations.  JMHO.

I think if the OP really feels as strongly as she expressed in her first post this man is not the right match for her and she should set him free to find someone who is well-matched with him and adores and admires him.

[boltnrun]

What's more important to you...a man who you feel drawn to and who is compatible with you or a man who your friends and family will ooohh and aaahhh over because of his looks?

I dated a man who very strongly resembled a popular, sex symbol type actor. My friends oohhed and aahhhed over his looks. One so called friend even told me she was going to attempt to have sex with him because she found him so attractive, looks-wise. But he was an egotistical, sexist, bigoted oaf who had zero intellectual curiosity and who embarrassed me in public many times. I could hardly stand to be intimate with him because his personality turned me off so much. When I dumped him my friends said I was nuts. I said "then you date him!" I can't just sit and look at a man all day long. I need more than that.

I found my husband attractive despite him not being conventionally good looking. He's tall, blond and has blue eyes but his nose is a bit crooked and he has some scarring from teenage acne but I thought he was funny and smart and adorable. I'd take that over the movie star lookalike any day. 

But that's me. If you find the opinions of "society" more important than how you feel about a man then maybe you should go for the arm candy. If not, to heck with what others think!

[smackie9]

I was with unattractive guy for 5 years. I didn't leave him because I found an attractive guy, no I left him because he became a #$$% show. He smashed my car up, then he got laid off, didn't bother to find work but instead partied, and I caught him selling drugs when I warned him if he did I would leave him. Obviously it doesn't matter what you look like. You can be unattractive and turn out to be a POS. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, Daisy Brown said:

Am I weird for not wanting to?

I think its generally normal that we, as we grow older, dont just go for looks but seek other qualities in the partner as well. You are not weird for not just going for looks. 

However I do find your attitude concerning. You have many options that are "in your league". That means you consider him "bellow your league" from some reason. Like that he is not "worthy" of your own beauty and you deserve better. Because you have many other men prettier then him who are trying to date you and sleep with you. 

You are generally a victim of something I call "Instagramification of modern women". You have men "sliding into your DMs", hitting on you on dating apps left and right, you see your "girlfriends" maybe taking pics with pretty guys, on yachts etc. So "societal pressure" aka "Instagramification" tells you that you deserve better then some "ugly guy". Because there are a lot prettier men who "slide into your DMs" on daily basis and your girlfriends are also dating pretty men too(that mostly just want to sleep with them but that is another problem). So why should you settle for some "fugly guy" when you think you can do way better? Its a big illusion in most cases because those other men mostly just want to sleep with you and never talk to you again. But hey, again, you accepted "Instagramification" in full and cant get away from it. So yes, its best to just dont waste time when you think you are soooooo above him he isnt even in your league. 

[boltnrun]

This thread has been hijacked! ✈️

[Jaunty]

If you can't go with your own feelings and opinions when it comes to choosing who to date, and instead depend on "societal pressures" focussing on "leagues" and "hotness,"  I think you are not ready to be in a relationship at this point.

Just date around and have fun until you have your own values and priorities established.

[Jaunty]

37 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

It's a shame when the choice is made due to factors outside of your control, actually.

Everybody's choices are under their own control.  

37 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

 

I'm not trying to detail OP's thread,

Then stop.  

37 minutes ago, TheLambOfDeth said:

She mentions he's charming, she likes him and that he's not even ugly...just not super, super hot, and that STILL isn't enough. This isn't a rare, isolated incident. At least here, she's honest. In many cases, women will tell you looks aren't the most important factor, all the while her BF looks like Henry Cavil. That means if you're not attractive and very, very charming you stand no chance AT ALL lol.  That's not a choice you're making, it's a choice made for you. 

 

It's a choice made by the person doing the choosing, just like it always is.  

There are at least as many men who think they are entitled to a "hot" woman as women who feel like that about men.  Probably more.

 

[Unreasonable]

I get the societal pressure part, but I think a lot of it is self-imposed.

For instance, my ex takes the best pictures for social medial.  Knows all the best poses, uses tasteful, not obvious filters.  But she does not look like her typical look.  It's an idealized version of her.  So she's got a bunch of people thinking she's the most gorgeous thing ever.

I will admit, a thought that crosses my mind is, will people think I downgraded?  Even though the prospect would be compared to an idealized version of my ex that is not even real?

That's a ME problem though.  I have to work through that.  Because counting out a person I think is attractive because of that is just plain stupid.

[lostandhurt]

2 hours ago, boltnrun said:

This thread has been hijacked! ✈️

Yes please, the OP came here for help not a debate.

Lost

[lostandhurt]

Daisy,

Are these two men Australian?

I read a lot of your older threads and you seem to care a lot about what others think.  You aren't alone in that to be sure but when it starts to steer your life down a path you really don't want to be on then it is time to take a good long and deep look at what you want and why you want it.  This includes a partner.

 Do you want some super good looking guy so you can post nice pics together or do you want a man you are crazy about even if you cannot explain exactly why?

 There intangibles many of us can't explain. Why do some people absolutely love black licorice but I think it is disgusting?  How does Pete Davidson keep attracting gorgeous women???

 Sometimes we need to go where we are pulled even if we have no idea why.

Lost

[boltnrun]

20 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Yes please, the OP came here for help not a debate.

Lost

Operative words being "the OP". She came here for advice so we are focusing on trying to help her. 

[Batya33]

20 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

There intangibles many of us can't explain. Why do some people absolutely love black licorice but I think it is disgusting?  How does Pete Davidson keep attracting gorgeous women???

 Sometimes we need to go where we are pulled even if we have no idea why.

Oh not to hijack but loved the no pun intended and yet connected "licorice" and "pulled".  

One benefit, OP, I have from getting older -I'm 56- is caring less and less what others think.  Really comes in handy as an older parent, too, given what I see on my local moms FB groups.  Minimize how you care about what others think. Sometimes it just is essential in a job/professional atmosphere -we have to care what our bosses think and often what those who work with us on a project think about our skills and professionalism.

I dated men who other women oohed and ahhed over because of their looks.  I mean ok cool, whatever.  I've been with my son too many times in his 14 years on this earth when others made comments about or related to his being short.  Those people are out of my league.  Because I would never comment on a child's physical features in that way especially within his hearing. 

The less you care about people who care about irrelevant garbage the more power you have to choose who you want to be with, hang with, support, cheerlead.  Otherwise you're just a hot looking sheep following the crowd including the social media crowd.  

 

[Cherylyn]

4 hours ago, smackie9 said:

I was with unattractive guy for 5 years. I didn't leave him because I found an attractive guy, no I left him because he became a #$$% show. He smashed my car up, then he got laid off, didn't bother to find work but instead partied, and I caught him selling drugs when I warned him if he did I would leave him. Obviously it doesn't matter what you look like. You can be unattractive and turn out to be a POS. 

I'm sorry @smackie9.  That was awful!  I agree,  you can be unattractive and a living nightmare to boot! 😡