Reconnecting with an ex after several years of therapy. Is she just lonely?

[NighttimeNightmare]

I struggle to really understand the meaning in what people do, and what their intentions are that others seem to easily pick up on. And I’d like some help. 
 

Essentially I (30s male) was in a relationship with this woman (30s female) several years ago, the connection we had showed us our bad traits and we both broke up due to what was a complete lack of any sort of tools to navigate relationships in a healthy way.  I enrolled in therapy first, while we were still together; she did not so I left and wished her well.  I know she got into another relationship with a woman immediately after me and I carried on with my life. I didn’t talk to her at all during this time, it’s been 2 and a half years.  Well, she recently reconnected with me and I was surprised to learn that she had been in weekly therapy for a year so far. We’ve been talking for two months now and the changes in both of us are very evident.  It’s nice.  There’s been a few conversations of real opened and honest apology and I’ve felt safe conversing with her.  

Here’s the issue though, I can’t seem to understand why she’s back.  Maybe it’s as simple as missing an old friendship but I can’t help but think I’m just being used.  Most everyone says exes come back to use you, the grass wasn’t greener, blah blah  But I know through therapy she has come to understand this wasn’t all my fault, and she has expressed that she wishes it had ended differently, that I didn’t deserve the way she treated me.  I start to feel connected to her, then I shut it down (within myself)

 

At first we were just getting reacquainted, but now she sends me a good morning message everyday around 7am, we talk all throughout the day, probably a good 30+hours a week, the chemistry between us is still there, just like it was the years we were together, we always had a lot of fun together.  More recently she’s expressed she misses things about me (like my laugh, voice), and other things and rituals she and I shared as a couple; like sharing massages with one another.   She also calls me by the “pet name” she had for me when we were an item.  We like to exchange meal prep photos together and she would say things like “cute. I love that you cook. My ex never would. My person definitely needs to cook for me sometimes”. To me, and I think most people, this isn’t exactly platonic behavior. But maybe she lacks boundaries?
 

I don’t think she wants to get back with me, though, I think she may just be reminiscing, so the behavior is a little confusing. I have one other ex whom I am friendly with but I don’t talk to her this much, and certainly don’t tell her I miss intimate activities with her.   But I feel like if I had an agenda and wasn’t the most “aware” person when I was lonely, maybe I would try to form some semblance connection with a past lover?  So how do you tell what someone is doing? 

I think what’s really causing these questions for me is that she hangs out routinely with the woman she was with in my absence.  She’s opened about being at that individuals home, but I don’t think she knows that I’ve made out it’s an ex gf. I know my ex lives in a new area where she doesn’t know anyone, so hanging out with someone you’ve an established connection with makes some sense. But all I can wonder is why bring me back into her life after nearly 3 years.  Is she just collecting exes?  I don’t want to be in someone’s orbit. 
 

I don’t understand how you tell if someone is being genuine, vs if they’re just lonely.  If she just wants a platonic connection, I don’t want to talk this much or say good morning (which feels intimate to me) because I won’t be able to connect with a woman who is available and I’m guessing most women wouldn’t be ok with the fact I talk to an ex 30hrs a week etc etc.   Likewise, I fear connecting with her like this because if/when she finds a partner for herself then this all goes away again.  I catch myself wondering if I’m just a fill-in until she meets that person  

I have to mention too that my ex is very fit and particularly attractive.  She always has men gawking over her on social media.  Could she just not stand the fact I’m not in her orbit? 
 

I can’t tell if my fears are a byproduct of some things I need to continue to work on through therapy or if the evidence supports my fears. 
 

I really am not trying to get hurt again.   I’d like some help in deciphering this before I bring anything up to her because right now I don’t even have a solid ground to stand on. 

[Lambert]

Sounds like here's the perfect 'test' of what either of you have learned through therapy and the time apart.

Do you think asking her what's happening is a topic you can bring up to her? directly? 

[NighttimeNightmare]

9 minutes ago, Lambert said:

Do you think asking her what's happening is a topic you can bring up to her? directly? 

Well, I will admit that it’s clear to me that I need to work on being direct with people instead of playing mind games.   When I feel vulnerable I tend to run away instead of facing reality. It’s something I’m still working on 

 

so while I think the healthier thing to do is bring this up directly, I feel I’m too scared to - that has nothing to do with her as we’ve had several transparent conversations together about our past. That was something we’ve never been able to do before, we both learned that in therapy and it was nice to actually be emotionally intimate.  But for this particular situation, I’m too confused to feel confident doing that. Example: half of me feels I’d be able to be convinced I misinterpreted her “I miss yous/good mornings/etc”, but the other half of me is going “you don’t tell those things to someone without at least some understanding that they might potentially catch feelings”. Both sides have responsibility there, but I second guess myself. 
 

I wonder why it is that most people seem to be able to read between the lines with people’s behavior and then feel confident in their movements, I can’t seem to do that.  
 

I want to feel like I understand this all to some degree before broaching the topic directly with her.  

[Cherylyn]

You need to cut it off with her so you can move on.  In order for her to prevent from wasting her and your time,  be frank with her.  Text her this:  "With all due respect,  it's time to go our separate ways permanently.  Please do not contact me anymore.  Thank you.  I wish you all the best.  Sincerely,  Your Name."  Something like that is respectful yet firm without excuses.  Be direct in a polite way.  If she continues to contact you relentlessly,  then go ahead and block and delete her and same for your social media as well.  You gave her fair warning and it's time for you to start fresh in your life and you can't do that if she's hanging onto false hopes. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

6 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

You need to cut it off with her so you can move on.  In order for her to prevent from wasting her and your time,  be frank with her.  Text her this:  "With all due respect,  it's time to go our separate ways permanently.  Please do not contact me anymore.  Thank you.  I wish you all the best.  Sincerely,  Your Name."  Something like that is respectful yet firm without excuses.  Be direct in a polite way.  If she continues to contact you relentlessly,  then go ahead and block and delete her and same for your social media as well.  You gave her fair warning and it's time for you to start fresh in your life and you can't do that if she's hanging onto false hopes. 

Let me clarify: I’m opened to being in a romantic relationship with her if she’s opened to it as well

 

I'm trying to figure out if she’s just toying with me out of her being lonely or some other strange reason.  Everyone says when exes come back it isn’t genuine - but the difference with us is we’ve actually had therapeutic intervention and fixed the reasons we broke up. 
 

if I can identify that she’s playing games with me, I will then cut her off because the connection is going to prohibit me from connecting with other women who may not be playing games (if she’s in fact playing games with me - I can’t tell) 

[boltnrun]

You're going to have to ask her. Otherwise you could end up in this limbo for ten or twenty years. 

Ask her if she's interested in discussing possibly trying again. Or are you afraid of "scaring her off"?

[Lambert]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I wonder why it is that most people seem to be able to read between the lines with people’s behavior and then feel confident in their movements, I can’t seem to do that.  

People don't read between the lines to feel confident.

The confidence comes with knowing themselves, what they want, what they'll tolerate, what are dealbreakers and feeling that if the other person breaks that, they will move on.

So you're right about determining for yourself what you want and what are the deal breakers are.  

The other person either meets your needs or they don't.  You can't make them 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

 she would say things like “cute. I love that you cook. My ex never would. My person definitely needs to cook for me sometimes”. 

Do you suspect she's on the rebound? All you can do is proceed with caution. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

32 minutes ago, Lambert said:

People don't read between the lines to feel confident.

The confidence comes with knowing themselves, what they want, what they'll tolerate, what are dealbreakers and feeling that if the other person breaks that, they will move on.

So you're right about determining for yourself what you want and what are the deal breakers are.  

The other person either meets your needs or they don't.  You can't make them 

That makes a lot of sense in terms of moving forward. 
 

But I guess im confused as to how some people seem to easily be able to decide if someone’s flirting, or lying, or just being friendly, or being manipulative etc.

 

I feel when I listen to other peoples issues, often times those things are clear to me, too. “Hey man I think she isn’t being honest” is easier to spot.  But with my own things I can’t seem to really spot those things at all. If I do feel like I see green lights, I immediately start attempting to find the “dangers” just in case. But it feels as though I’m searching in an unlit room.   
 

I feel like I need to seek and find any potential danger because I don’t want to be someone’s fool. 
 

did you see the recent post here about the girl who had a boyfriend and hid it from the other man that was obviously interested in her so she could continue to have his admiration and attention while in the hospital etc?  That poor guy, I don’t want to be him. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

49 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Or are you afraid of "scaring her off"?

I don’t think I’m afraid of scaring her off. I think I’m afraid of losing her again, not that I think she wouldn’t remain in my life as a friend, but having her say “sorry I’m just being friendly, my bad!” is a little scary for me. 
 

even though I had moved on with my life, losing her was very difficult. I never thought it was a byproduct of incompatibility, but just two people who needed some outside help. 
 

now that she’s back and we talk all day and stuff… it’s nice. She even wants me to go visit her.  But I feel all of those things are likely more meaningful to me than to her.  
 

I think that’s why I’m trying to figure out what this situation looks like indirectly. So I can lick my wounds behind the scene and slowly taper away from her. 

[NighttimeNightmare]

19 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you suspect she's on the rebound? All you can do is proceed with caution. 

It seemed to me like they broke up about 8 months ago, but still spend time together. 
 

because of that, the way my brain works, I need to use that fact to determine who I am to her. So I wonder if she has issues letting go of the past and had to drag me out of the ether and I’m too blind to realize that’s what’s going on.  Like she just picks a random ex and then gets her dopamine hits or something 

 

but what confuses me is she has a lot of men who would be happy to worship her, reconnecting with me came at a high price because we had some unfinished financial issues that she now has to tend to.  So I’m not convinced it’s just a rebound  

 

 

[boltnrun]

So you don't want to ask her because you fear she'll reject you?

[NighttimeNightmare]

24 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you don't want to ask her because you fear she'll reject you?

I guess that’s the simplest way to put it 

 

but also I don’t want to feel like I’ve rejected myself by not protecting myself and heeding danger signs. Like I’m not interested in being in someone’s orbit. I would feel like a complete idiot and I don’t want this to happen to me.  I’d feel like a chump.
 

I think any normal person would catch feelings by talking all day, sharing lives and photos, saying “I miss xyz about you,” saying good morning every day. I’m beginning to hate the fact I’m paying attention to her and engaging this because all she’s likely going to do is say she just wanted the company. Ok, well this is beyond just company and it wouldn’t be healthy for me to talk this much to her.  Why isn’t her exes company enough, whyd she have to bring me into this (this is what I feel, not saying it’s a fact). I also worry I may be making up worst-case assumptions to avoid pain

 

But then why her ex? Why me? Sounds like she just wants everyone around and I’m supposed to sit here and entertain her until the next best thing comes along. I don’t want to be treated that way by someone who I value. But because I value her, I’m trying to work out my feelings here before approaching her and being accusatory or assuming.  
 

to be fair, if this were anyone else and I was getting comfy with them and found out they were spending a lot of time with another guy I’d back away too.  No one wants to get hurt or to be played the fool. 

my therapist says I need to face reality by confronting issues and not running from them. But that takes vulnerability and if I believe I have evidence I need to run, am I the only one who sees that or are my fears casting big shadows. 

[boltnrun]

I've found that ignoring things doesn't make them get better or go away.

I prefer the direct approach. If I want to know something I ask. And I am someone who was diagnosed with anxiety on the highest end of the scale by a psychiatrist, a psychologist and my primary care physician and is currently in treatment. 

However I'm obviously not you. But if you have questions she is the only one who has answers. There's no way to just instinctively know her goal, agenda or intentions. 

[Andrina]

3 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I don’t want to talk this much or say good morning (which feels intimate to me) because I won’t be able to connect with a woman who is available and I’m guessing most women wouldn’t be ok with the fact I talk to an ex 30hrs a week

This is exactly what you need to say to her. If she was at all interested in more, this would be the point she would speak up, versus losing you.

Although, after speaking 30 hours per week, I believe if that was her intent, she would've brought it up by now. If I were in your shoes, seeing how she is still in communication with her ex, that'd be a dealbreaker to me. You didn't say it was a dealbreaker, but you did mention your discomfort about it, so I'd suggest not getting into something where you see red flags.

If you did take a risk of being with her, don't take this communication as a clear sign it would work this time. You won't see the reality until regularly being in each other's presence, dating, past the honeymoon period. That is, if things don't fall apart sooner.

Take care and keep us updated.

 

[Batya33]

I married my ex fiancee -we got back together around 7 years after we broke up and we had both changed a lot.  Broke up early 30s/back together late 30s.  Here's what I know for sure.  If we'd prolonged our "reconnecting" and if we hadn't been direct with each other about our intentions I don't think it would have worked. 

First -practically speaking -he was planning to leave town to go back to the city he was then living in for work.  We got back together before he left town.  Meaning no need to have long distance conversations or the awkwardness of figuring out if we should meet up but not as a "couple."  

Second -we met three times platonically and emailed a bit in between before getting back together.  Over a period of 5 weeks (he was out of town for part of that time but we saw each other twice in two weeks, then two weeks later).  In fact some of his close friends advised not bringing up whether we should get back together for a few months.  But I thought it worked out great. 

We met up platonically -there was no denying we each felt a spark but we didn't flirt or discuss that.  He asked me plainly and directly if I wanted to get back together.  I took less than a minute to respond -I was really happy but also really nervous! - and then we had a less than 3 minute convo about our intentions -which aligned perfectly -we didn't have to do a whole deep dive into anything because we were on the same page about potential marriage/family/the long distance aspects and consequences in the future.  

No games at all.  OK a little.  When he didn't call me for 10 days after the second time I may have made up one or two excuses to email him and I might have -baked him from scratch chocolate chip cookies for our second platonic evening which meant I had an excuse to email and ask if he'd shared them with his parents who he was seeing the next day (nope -kept them all for himself lol). 

So those were my "games".  I confess.  But seriously - we didn't mess around with assuming or guessing - because we both wanted to get back together and had he not asked me that third time I likely would not have wanted to keep in close touch once he left town to protect my heart.  I cannot say whether I would have asked him but I'd have shown him my intentions by backing off.  

Good luck whatever you choose -as you can see I'm a fan of the direct approach. I know it's scary.

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

That makes a lot of sense in terms of moving forward. 
 

But I guess im confused as to how some people seem to easily be able to decide if someone’s flirting, or lying, or just being friendly, or being manipulative etc.

 

I feel when I listen to other peoples issues, often times those things are clear to me, too. “Hey man I think she isn’t being honest” is easier to spot.  But with my own things I can’t seem to really spot those things at all. If I do feel like I see green lights, I immediately start attempting to find the “dangers” just in case. But it feels as though I’m searching in an unlit room.   
 

I feel like I need to seek and find any potential danger because I don’t want to be someone’s fool. 
 

did you see the recent post here about the girl who had a boyfriend and hid it from the other man that was obviously interested in her so she could continue to have his admiration and attention while in the hospital etc?  That poor guy, I don’t want to be him. 

Being vulnerable, allowing a person in to your life, heart and opening up to love is a risk! You might get your heart broken.  You might get let down. You might feel like crap. 

But you could get stung by a bee. You could fall off the curb and twist your ankle. Your brand new pants could get splashed with a rain puddle.... the list goes on.... you could also find 20 dollars in your coat pocket, or hear your jam on the radio or fall for someone that is kinda special.  

Always looking for negative signs, being afraid of being a fool to the extent it is holding you back from trusting someone who hasn't really done anything, "but could" seems to me, to indicate a problem within. 

Confident people still get hurt, miss signs, feel dumb, fail, etc but here's what they have- they trust themselves that no matter what happens they'll be OK.

Smart people balance risk... with good choices and wise decisions.  They pay attention. They also watch their self talk as in if it seems too good to be true, it is.

In your situation with an ex, it is a higher risk.  That's why you have to be smart.  Talk things through with her. Know what you expect so you can tell her and be a good self parent hold her and yourself to a high standard in terms of treating each other with respect.

You're gun shy and probably rightly so... slow down. figure out what you want and then go from there.  Stop being a relationship with someone your not in a relationship with. At some point you're going to have to be real with her or it's just the same thing as last time.

[Cherylyn]

5 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

Let me clarify: I’m opened to being in a romantic relationship with her if she’s opened to it as well

 

I'm trying to figure out if she’s just toying with me out of her being lonely or some other strange reason.  Everyone says when exes come back it isn’t genuine - but the difference with us is we’ve actually had therapeutic intervention and fixed the reasons we broke up. 
 

if I can identify that she’s playing games with me, I will then cut her off because the connection is going to prohibit me from connecting with other women who may not be playing games (if she’s in fact playing games with me - I can’t tell) 

Why don't you have an in person conversation with her or at least a verbal phone conversation to clarify your thoughts and answer your questions?  No sense playing guessing games. 

If her numerous texts bother you to the point of excessive,  tell her.  Be polite yet direct. 

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

 she got into another relationship with a woman immediately after me .  we talk all throughout the day, probably a good 30+hours a week.

What were the basic reasons for the breakup years ago? Was she bisexual all along or is she still on/off with her female partner? 

Does she live far away now? Why haven't you at least met up for a brief coffee/drink to reacquaint yourselves? 

You have complete control over this. The best thing you do is cut way back on texting all day. This creates faux intimacy and confusion. It's creating an overinvestment on your part.

If you want clarity once and for all, meet up and talk in person to catch up. This way you can get a better read on the situation without unnecessary investments of time and energy and wondering and pondering her motives.

Keep in mind that just because someone had some therapy, it doesn't mean their personality, preferences or interests have changed. She still may be confusing and high maintenance. But again, you're in total control by slowing down on the texting and slowing down overinvesting emotionally in this.

[Kwothe28]

Your ex sounds narcissistic. Narcissists have a tendency to drag people in so they can use them as a fodder for their narcissistic tendencies. You, her other ex, you are just a pawns there. Pawns of somebody who keeps you there in her little game. See, narcissists dont like when you have a bad opinion of them. Because that would mean they are bad and can be presented as such. She mistreated you, gave you a fake apology(they cant properly apologize as they are not sorry at all) and now keeps you there to feed her ego. Your confusion comes from the fact that you know that you are being used. And yet she still insists on keeping you there.

You should get out of there. Pronto. Before she does more damage to your mental health and you need more therapy. 

[smackie9]

You need to kool things off with her. I'm trying to think of the most subtle way for you to do this and I feel it would be to do the slow fade. First off do not play into those conversations with her of missing each other, how cute was this and that, maybe we could do this etc. Next step is to use one word answers, not answering texts right away, claim being too busy, etc. If a text makes you uncomfortable, say you need to go, or don't get into it. You can do this at any pace you want, but stick with it to shake yourself off her hook.

[SooSad33]

23 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

But I know through therapy she has come to understand this wasn’t all my fault, and she has expressed that she wishes it had ended differently, that I didn’t deserve the way she treated me.  I start to feel connected to her, then I shut it down (within myself)

That's YOUR defenses kicking in, due to the damages done 😕 .

Is good though, that she's owned up to her own flaws in your relationship.

 

23 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

 More recently she’s expressed she misses things about me (like my laugh, voice), and other things and rituals she and I shared as a couple; like sharing massages with one another.   She also calls me by the “pet name” she had for me when we were an item.  We like to exchange meal prep photos together and she would say things like “cute. I love that you cook. My ex never would. My person definitely needs to cook for me sometimes”. To me, and I think most people, this isn’t exactly platonic behavior. But maybe she lacks boundaries?

Yes, I'd say so.... So, is time for YOU to step up.  Be honest and limit yourself to her.  Stop interacting so much and she needs to realize you don't want to be spoken to this way anymore.  That's your past ( eg. no pet names...).

 

Hardly ever, do I deal with any of my ex's. and IF I do, it's only when I know I am no longer emotionally invested in them. I can handle myself and there are NO more feelings... so, what's that tell you? ( continuing this is no good, is it?).

 

23 hours ago, NighttimeNightmare said:

I can’t tell if my fears are a byproduct of some things I need to continue to work on through therapy or if the evidence supports my fears. 

Yes! Continue your therapy and discuss this issue with them.  Ask for their assistance on how to handle 'getting out of this sort of thing'.  Is for your best interest.  Let the past go and move on.... One day at a time, you can do it 😉 .

[NighttimeNightmare]

Thank you for all of the replies. It’s sort of a lot to take in, esp with everyone’s different ideas as to what’s going on.  I guess that just shows nothing is black and white 

 

as for the comments about not enjoying the contact or what not, I do enjoy it, that’s the problem lol.  I enjoy hearing from her, I enjoy chatting, I enjoy sharing our lives. 
 

I was waiting to see her in person to see what the chemistry and vibe was like, and if it was good then I’d bring up my questions. So I posted on here to try and figure out what exactly I’m feeling etc. 

 

my worry was that I was being used, and maybe I am.  I think I have to work on securing my internal foundation a bit more so if I am being used, I can walk away with confidence 

 

I will take a week or so to really think on everything and give myself some time to really think  

[lostandhurt]

You are under the mistaken impression that most everyone else can read subtle clues, flirting or in between the lines when many of us struggle just like you do and when you throw your past together in there and your obvious aversion to putting yourself out there it is easy to see why others peoples situations seem so clear to you.  Simply put you have no risk involved with their situation so you can see it more clearly.

 This is where you need to start.  Step back from this and look at it as if it was your brother or best friend.  What would you advise them to do?

 From reading your words I can clearly see you want to try again with her but you are waiting for her to make the first move.  If you want to try again you need to be able to know why first of all.  You both sound like you have grown and figured out a lot about yourselves which is good but if you think the issues that broke you up are still there then why try?  Second you need to know what you want in your life.  Once you know that then the question is does she want something similar?

 In a nutshell many of us wish we could have a second chance with an ex that we just couldn't stay with because of issues out of our control and now you seem to have that chance.

Fear is holding you back but what is there to be afraid of?  She was out of your life already so if she says No Thanks and stops talking to you then you really haven't lost anything have you?  If she does say yes I want to try again and in six months you both realize it isn't working out then what could you be afraid of there?  You survived breaking up with her before  so why not again?  You are clearly in a way better head space then 2 years ago so what is so scary?

 Spend some time together in real life and let nature take its course. If it is going to happen it will once you are alone spending time together.

 Don't allow fear to control your life and future

Lost

[sweetlady]

On 4/11/2023 at 7:44 PM, NighttimeNightmare said:

I struggle to really understand the meaning in what people do, and what their intentions are that others seem to easily pick up on. And I’d like some help. 
 

Essentially I (30s male) was in a relationship with this woman (30s female) several years ago, the connection we had showed us our bad traits and we both broke up due to what was a complete lack of any sort of tools to navigate relationships in a healthy way.  I enrolled in therapy first, while we were still together; she did not so I left and wished her well.  I know she got into another relationship with a woman immediately after me and I carried on with my life. I didn’t talk to her at all during this time, it’s been 2 and a half years.  Well, she recently reconnected with me and I was surprised to learn that she had been in weekly therapy for a year so far. We’ve been talking for two months now and the changes in both of us are very evident.  It’s nice.  There’s been a few conversations of real opened and honest apology and I’ve felt safe conversing with her.  

Here’s the issue though, I can’t seem to understand why she’s back.  Maybe it’s as simple as missing an old friendship but I can’t help but think I’m just being used.  Most everyone says exes come back to use you, the grass wasn’t greener, blah blah  But I know through therapy she has come to understand this wasn’t all my fault, and she has expressed that she wishes it had ended differently, that I didn’t deserve the way she treated me.  I start to feel connected to her, then I shut it down (within myself)

 

At first we were just getting reacquainted, but now she sends me a good morning message everyday around 7am, we talk all throughout the day, probably a good 30+hours a week, the chemistry between us is still there, just like it was the years we were together, we always had a lot of fun together.  More recently she’s expressed she misses things about me (like my laugh, voice), and other things and rituals she and I shared as a couple; like sharing massages with one another.   She also calls me by the “pet name” she had for me when we were an item.  We like to exchange meal prep photos together and she would say things like “cute. I love that you cook. My ex never would. My person definitely needs to cook for me sometimes”. To me, and I think most people, this isn’t exactly platonic behavior. But maybe she lacks boundaries?
 

I don’t think she wants to get back with me, though, I think she may just be reminiscing, so the behavior is a little confusing. I have one other ex whom I am friendly with but I don’t talk to her this much, and certainly don’t tell her I miss intimate activities with her.   But I feel like if I had an agenda and wasn’t the most “aware” person when I was lonely, maybe I would try to form some semblance connection with a past lover?  So how do you tell what someone is doing? 

I think what’s really causing these questions for me is that she hangs out routinely with the woman she was with in my absence.  She’s opened about being at that individuals home, but I don’t think she knows that I’ve made out it’s an ex gf. I know my ex lives in a new area where she doesn’t know anyone, so hanging out with someone you’ve an established connection with makes some sense. But all I can wonder is why bring me back into her life after nearly 3 years.  Is she just collecting exes?  I don’t want to be in someone’s orbit. 
 

I don’t understand how you tell if someone is being genuine, vs if they’re just lonely.  If she just wants a platonic connection, I don’t want to talk this much or say good morning (which feels intimate to me) because I won’t be able to connect with a woman who is available and I’m guessing most women wouldn’t be ok with the fact I talk to an ex 30hrs a week etc etc.   Likewise, I fear connecting with her like this because if/when she finds a partner for herself then this all goes away again.  I catch myself wondering if I’m just a fill-in until she meets that person  

I have to mention too that my ex is very fit and particularly attractive.  She always has men gawking over her on social media.  Could she just not stand the fact I’m not in her orbit? 
 

I can’t tell if my fears are a byproduct of some things I need to continue to work on through therapy or if the evidence supports my fears. 
 

I really am not trying to get hurt again.   I’d like some help in deciphering this before I bring anything up to her because right now I don’t even have a solid ground to stand on. 

Why don't you just ask her?

Life is short