I think I've fallen in love with my friend while still with my girlfriend

[ministrycereal]

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. We met at work and everything went very slowly, but it's meant we have a strong foundation. She has pretty much every quality I would look for in a partner if someone asked me to make a list of what I wanted. But the sexual side of the relationship has been lacking - right from the start. In the first year I just thought it was because she wanted to take things slow. But I've realised now I don't think it will ever improve - and now any sexual attraction or chemistry that was once there has gone. Obviously a relationship is not just about this - but it is a factor - and although many other parts of the relationship are really strong, this feels like a big problem. 

Meanwhile - I've known my friend - let's call her B - much longer as we went to university and subsequently lived together. I'd never really seen her in this way - she doesn't have lots of the relationship qualities I'd usually look for, and I always just viewed her as a best friend. But in the past year - since we were no longer living together - she started being much more romantically interest and flirty with me, and I was surprised by this but did like the attention and played along. She has been with her partner for 5+ years so is also in a long-term relationship despite all of this. We went on a couple of dates, held hands, kissed, etc. but I still never thought for a moment that I would see myself in a relationship with her. 

But recently I've been feeling very down about the whole situation (and I'm aware this can't be good as everyone involved is being hurt here) - and I suddenly realised that actually I am in love with my friend, B, and that I wanted to do things properly and be with her. She'd even said she wanted this too - over message, though it was while she had been drinking. I told her the next day that I felt like this and that I was ready to make the leap and go ahead with ending the relationship I was in to be with her. But then she decided that - although she wanted that future too - she didn't want to hurt her partner in that way, and that her decision was to stay in her relationship. However she's asked to keep everything exactly the same between us - so the flirty messages etc. and talking about being together she wants to continue, even though she's told me she doesn't want to end her relationship to actually be with me. 

I'm so confused by all this. I genuinely have this really strange feeling of being broken hearted but at the same time I don't know if I've just got carried away because I got a bit of attention from someone I have a sexual attraction to, and that it's all snowballed from there. Equally I know I need to be open with my girlfriend about how I am feeling - and I will have that conversation with her. But I am seeking some advice on what to do about my friend, girl B. She is a really close friend and I would absolutely hate to lose her by blocking her because I'm confused and hurting. What am I feeling? I genuinely don't know - but right now all I can think about is being in a relationship with her, and the fact that she's led me to believe it could happen and then crushed that from actually happening. 

All comments welcome, thank you

 

[Kwothe28]

I think you should leave your girlfriend. She deserves better then being cheated which is what you are doing there. After that you can pursue whoever you want. 

As for so called "friend", she wants an affair, not relationship. Her relationship is stale and wants some excitement "on the side". Hence why she doesnt want to leave her partner, just to cheat on him. "Stale" part could be used on you as well. You are not "in love" with your friend, just crave excitement as much as her. Even you admit that she doesnt have a lot of relationship qualities you seek. But unlike her you at least considering on making things right and leaving the relationship.

[Wiseman2]

46 minutes ago, ministrycereal said:

I've been with my girlfriend for nearly 2 years now. gone.   in the past year . We went on a couple of dates, held hands, kissed, etc. 

Unfortunately you and your GF are not compatible. You need to set each other free. The relationship seems more like a security blanket. 

Your "friend" is not available either. You've been cheating on your GF for half the relationship. That's not the solution to the problem of sexual incompatibility.

As long as you keep this "friend" around the lonelier you'll be because you're not free and clear, emotionally, to form relationships with someone.

[Jibralta]

I think it's time to outgrow this friendship. It's for kids and/or immature adults.

Also, I think you should end your relationship with your girlfriend.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, ministrycereal said:

But then she decided that - although she wanted that future too - she didn't want to hurt her partner in that way, and that her decision was to stay in her relationship. However she's asked to keep everything exactly the same between us - so the flirty messages etc. and talking about being together she wants to continue, even though she's told me she doesn't want to end her relationship to actually be with me. 

Imagine you finding those sorts of messages if you dated this person -messages she'd send to some other "friend" of hers.

[MissCanuck]

3 hours ago, ministrycereal said:

she's asked to keep everything exactly the same between us - so the flirty messages etc. and talking about being together she wants to continue,

Well, tough ta-tas for her. She doesn't get to have her cake and eat it, too.  She wants you to stroke her ego and make her feel desired while she hangs on the security of her relationship. That's all got to stop. 

Yes, you are going to need to cut her off.  This isn't a friendship anymore and it will hurt you way too much to continue playing footsie with her while she's been clear she isn't going to be your girlfriend - not to mention it's completely inappropriate of you to be talking to her at all anymore. 

3 hours ago, ministrycereal said:

What am I feeling?

Hurt that this girl doesn't actually want to be with you. 

3 hours ago, ministrycereal said:

I know I need to be open with my girlfriend about how I am feeling - and I will have that conversation with her.

The only thing you need to do is break up with her. And you need to do it now. You two are not suited to each other and you have been cheating. There is no "talk" that is going to resolve this, except to set her (and yourself) free. 

[smackie9]

Never date someone that is already in a committed relationship...99.9% of the time the won't leave or they go back. yes the meetups were fresh, new and thrilling to the heart but it's not stability, love, promise. 

I agree with the others, be honest with yourself. You shouldn't be with your GF if you were willing to cheat/leave her for someone else. This other girl is realizing the value of her own relationship and is willing to repair it. Whatever you do, it's gonna hurt anyway, it's unavoidable. You may as well rip the band-aid off. 

[lostandhurt]

You are cheating on your gf and your friend is cheating too.

 Ends things with your gf BEFORE she finds out you cheated on her please!  No reason to hurt her with betrayal.  

The reason you have these "feelings" for your friend is because there is a void in your own relationship and she is filling that void.  It doesn't mean you love her, it just means she is available.  It is like dying of thirst in the desert.  If you come upon a muddy water hole you will drink out of it because of your circumstances but if you plenty of water you wouldn't even consider drinking dirty water.

 Get your relationship sorted out.  Either end it of fix it and then spend some time single figuring out what you want for and in your life.  I doubt it will be a "friend" that so easily cheats on their 5 year partner.

 Lost

[SooSad33]

8 hours ago, ministrycereal said:

But recently I've been feeling very down about the whole situation (and I'm aware this can't be good as everyone involved is being hurt here) - and I suddenly realised that actually I am in love with my friend, B, and that I wanted to do things properly and be with her. She'd even said she wanted this too - over message, though it was while she had been drinking. I told her the next day that I felt like this and that I was ready to make the leap and go ahead with ending the relationship I was in to be with her. But then she decided that - although she wanted that future too - she didn't want to hurt her partner in that way, and that her decision was to stay in her relationship. However she's asked to keep everything exactly the same between us - so the flirty messages etc. and talking about being together she wants to continue, even though she's told me she doesn't want to end her relationship to actually be with me. 

You know, part of your problem is due to B. And she is cheating on her BF! 😕 . 

I was going to ask, how would YOU feel if you were her BF and learn your GF is acting out like this with another guy ... until I realized you are actually doing this to your GF.

Either way, both of you have been dishonest and disloyal to your present partners!

Whether you;d end up with B or not, end things with your GF.  Don't put her thru such hell 😞 .

As for B, If she's able to do this in her present relationship, think of how she could be if she were dating you!  (she been cheating with you, she can very well cheat on you ...).

So, I suggest you do NOT remain this close to B!  She's trouble and how will things be for YOU if/when her BF learns of her behaviour??  Yeah, not good on you- think about it.

Your true, real friend, should be that of same sex most often & you see why.

 

[Cherylyn]

One woman at a time.  Not both.  Dissolve and exit your relationship with your current girlfriend and be with the woman you're falling in love with to your heart's content -- if she'll have you,  that is.  You could very well end up losing both so know what you're in for and know you're taking a risk you could very well lose.

[Andrina]

Yes, you're living in la-la land if you think two people capable of doing one of the most hurtful things to a partner--cheating--will get together and live happily ever after.

The hotness you're craving will be more like a lit match hitting gasoline.

Mature, ethical people end one relationship before beginning a new one.

And apparently you don't know too much about psychology. A person that goes after a taken person never wants monogamy with that person. In fact, if she'd been doing what's she doing with you as a single person, the minute you broke up with your gf, she would've lost interest.

Be alone and work on your ethics. And now that you've crossed the line with B, things can never be the same. If you ever want a decent woman in your life, she'll never accept you being buddies with a woman you played kissy face with. And lying about that to a new gf is going back to being unethical.

People have to lose friends all the time if it means bettering their lives. Nobody said life was for sissies. Time to grow up or suffer the consequences.