is this how a normal girlfriend behaves? have i lost my mind?

[Kwothe28]

51 minutes ago, jchristopher said:

i am not wealthy at all - in fact i put most of my money into starting a business here and it failed...

 

Ah, I see. 

Again, you are equating "drama" with "love". As long as you do that you will find "basket cases" like this. Where you are drawn by drama even though its highly dysfunctional. If you want a functioning relationship, you will have to change that within yourself.

[boltnrun]

I hope you do end it.

And just be aware she will try various tactics to get you to stick around. Not because she loves you so darn much but because abusers don't meet many people willing to put up with their BS. Plus she would have to start over with someone new and that means she'd have to act nice until she entraps them. And abusers HATE having to act nice. 

She may try the following (in whatever order): berating you (especially since it's always worked before), insulting you, accusing you of never truly loving her, accusing you of "using" her, accusing you of being "just like all the other men", accusing you of being no man at all, tears, self pity, tantrums, threats of self harm or suicide, promising gifts or fantastic sex, guilt trips or even using your children as pawns such as contacting them crying and saying she doesn't know why you've abandoned her. 

I'll bet money she'll try at least three or four of those tactics. Do not fall for them. She wants your gifts, your attention and to be able to berate and abuse you. She wants you for her own selfish reasons, not because she wants to be a loving partner to you.

I hope you can remain strong (truly strong!). Spend time with and enjoy your children. They are your true gifts. 

[Tinydance]

Well I'm originally from Russia and granted my family left there and moved to Australia when I was 12- 13, but I have some idea of what Russian women are like. It's true that Russia has traditional, old-fashioned gender roles. That some women expect the man to always chase them, to pay on dates, be a gentleman, etc. However I really think that literally all the rest of her behaviour is NOT normal. Not normal at all.

I think most Russian women do want to get married and have a family and they would be happy to find a nice man who wants to settle down with them. I don't think they would treat them with so much abuse. A lot of Russian women are beautiful, it's common for them to be beautiful. But still I don't think most of them would constantly cheat and flirt with lots of men when they're actually married or have a partner. Also as you can see, it was very easy for her to get a divorce. I doubt she was just "hanging out" with her husband. She was probably still in a relationship with him or at least still sleeping with him.

I'm not sure if she has an actual personality disorder but I was actually thinking she sounds like a huge narcissist. She emotionally abuses you and gaslights you but then acts all sweet and begs forgiveness. And she needs very constant attention. It's typical to feel like you're on a constant roller-coaster when you're dating a narcissist. And the fact that everyone loves her probably means she's outwardly very charming.

Your post doesn't really make sense because you say things are great and you love her. Yet you only see her once a week and it really sounds she behaves like this every single time you see her or speak to her. I don't really understand how you think this relationship is "good".

I think you're blinded by the fact that she's very attractive. You might need to find a woman your own age and maybe not as gorgeous but who is not a nutcase lol

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, jchristopher said:

.. we connect mentally, emotionally, and well... the physical is hard to walk away from...is this how a normal girlfriend behaves? have i lost my mind?

You're not losing your mind because you realize it's not "normal".  Hopefully you'll have peace soon. But it won't be from her. 

[catfeeder]

6 hours ago, jchristopher said:

... to make a long story short, 6 months into our relationship she told me that she was married.

No need to read beyond this. I can't fathom why you'd attempt to make this into a longer story. All else is irrelevant.

You invested in a liar. I'd have cut my losses and I'd be with someone trustworthy by now if not a self-respecting solo life.

If you won't do the same, then I don't care how complex you've fooled yourself into believing that this is. 

Good luck with that.

[Jaunty]

Did you move to Russia because of this woman?  

[Jibralta]

34 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Did you move to Russia because of this woman?  

I was just wondering the same. Why did you move to Russia?

[1a1a]

Picking at one thread only (and I realise you’ve already come to a decision and hope this can help you feel conviction in it). 
 

Do you want to try and build a life with a person who can’t or won’t let you hash out problems with them?

[LootieTootie]

Are your children in Russia too?

[SherrySher]

I didn't even read all of it. You're right, it sounds like a total nightmare.

She is immature, a liar, a cheater.

Will she cheat on you? I mean, you're 14 years older than her and her ego seeks out attention constantly, so what do you think?

It's an almost absolute that she will cheat on you.

She also has little to no respect for you, so she won't feel bad when she does toss you for a younger version.

It's just a matter of time.

[SherrySher]

7 hours ago, jchristopher said:

yeah, i don't know why i attract unstable women... sometimes i wonder if it is me, and perhaps i am the crazy one...  but i can assure you that all i want is a simple life, and i used to live very simple, but everything has been turned upside down with this girl...

Read the paragraph your wrote a few times to yourself and imagine that you're reading what someone else wrote.

Can you see how it sounds like you darn well know that this person is toxic and has made your life hell, and yet you keep justifying and running towards it?

Stop thinking with your nether regions!!

If you truly want peace, the simple life, you would cut her loose and make sure this crazy never has access to you or your children, ever again!

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, jchristopher said:

of course no one could diagnose bpd here, but i wondered if anyone may have experience and see similarity in my situatio

Does it matter if she's mentally ill? You should be done with her anyway. 

8 hours ago, jchristopher said:

wishing i could catch a break

You are choosing this. It has nothing to do with luck or catching a break. You see the deceptive, abusive behaviour and you still choose her. It's time to stop being so passive, and take ownership for your own poor choices here. 

[Jibralta]

15 hours ago, jchristopher said:

my girls are doing better than they were when my wife will still living with us, for sure.  their situation is better now than it was in the states.  we have tried to reduce stress and put ourselves in a more calm and civil situation - part of our reason for moving overseas... they are great, and my joy - and extremely responsible for their ages.

How old are they?

[Batya33]

I hope you do break up. The title of your post makes no sense. There is no standard of behavior for a “normal girlfriend” and what you describe has nothing to do with girlfriends or normal in actuality.
It’s common sense that if a person lies to you about major stuff and treats you disrespectfully and bullies/abuses you you stay away from that person and protect yourself from that person. Whether it’s a romantic relationship or a coworker or an acquaintance etc. Certain people react in more emotional ways than other people. Sometimes those reactions are hormonally based. Sometimes it’s because the person is really tired or really hungry or both. But that has zero to do with what you wrote.
Next time you encounter a potential date or relationship ask yourself not if it’s “normal girlfriend “ behavior - whatever that means. And not if you’re “losing your mind “.  Ask if this person treats you with respect and kindness and thoughtfulness. it’s really that basic. 

[Jibralta]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

It’s common sense that if a person lies to you about major stuff and treats you disrespectfully and bullies/abuses you you stay away from that person and protect yourself from that person.

Yes, common sense.

[SooSad33]

On 3/24/2023 at 2:43 PM, jchristopher said:

this girl wants to get married by the way, and as previously stated she left her husband for me. its all so crazy. and the truth is that i love her, i have never ever ever met anyone like her - that is for sure.

Well I'd hope not! because she is toxic.. sorry 😕 .

All I can see is her as well, messing you up even more!  is this what you want??? ( heck, you just got yourself out of a toxic, long-term relationship - why repeat?), So, sit back a bit & look at your history.

Come on man, get back in your head!

Toxic is what no one wants! She IS conniving and she knows it. YOU just have to get out of her grip.  ( which takes a LOT of self care & inner strength), but believe me, it's best for YOU!.

Either way, even though you 'asked' for input, we know you'll fall back into it.... Until you come to see & learn for yourself.  Good luck there.

 

[jchristopher]

you guys are great, thank you for all your support.  its just very depressing to me...  but it is life, and the gradual unfolding of the next right decision. i have given her every chance, i have held onto hope for so long.  

we moved to russia because i love russia - i have a long history with living here.  and we are orthodox, and russia is moving in a very different direction than the collective west.

my girls are 5,12, and 14.

the reality is that i fell in love with someone who deceived me - and what i loved is not the reality with this girl.  i suppose i cannot complain, its the natural process of time, getting to know another person and collecting data.  i just wanted so bad to have hope.  i see in myself a great deficiency in that the pain of loosing my first wife was so great that i keep looking for someone who can "replace" her, someone who can make me feel like i have my life back as it was before my wife got sick.  i know this is not the correct way to feel / think, but i am a spoiled entitled selfish product of the west who keeps wanting the disney fairytales that drugged me in my youth... ah the brutal realizations of being an adult and coming to terms with the pain of life... 

again, thank you guys - i will break up with her, i simply have to.  i need to do it in person, we have such a close friendship - i mean we have been talking for over a year and are very close.

[Batya33]

I wouldn't blame Disney/west. I love Disney and fairytales. I'm also a person who makes choices.  Not a person who blindly follows however you define "society" - I mean I also have a 14 year old  - is the 14 year old allowed to blame "but everyone else did [it]" or ""everyone else is doing ___ and I was raised in the US" to excuse repeated bad choices?  I doubt it. 

There is no correct way to feel or think - there is a way to choose to react to feelings so you act in a reasonably healthy way mentally and physically - reasonable and individual.  It's not "natural" to upend your life for a "girl" as you described or to react as you described -part of getting to know someone and developing trust, opening up, acting on that trust involves you as an adult making choices. Hoping is lovely.  Excitement and falling in love are too.  And you as an adult have the power to choose how to react to those feelings so that you (and your kids) are reasonably comfortable and safe -reasonably.  

If you feel you are a person who acts in a spoiled, entitled way, take ownership of that and don't blame the west or Walt -and you choose how to act in a way to break yourself of those habits and mindset.  Your children will thank you.

My 14 year old is working on applying to a high school. He has to write essays to do so.  He really wants to go badly and get in BUT he balked at writing essays -"too tired" and would rather play video games, etc.  I am excited for him to apply and he know I had to do my own essays as the parent and gather all the info.  When he begged and then balked I told him I was upset because I'd believed how badly he wanted this and I did a lot of work/prep/phone calls to move the application process along.  I told him I was far less motivated now. 

He stepped up to the plate eventually and wanted me to be proud of him. I told him he should be proud of himself, I was proud of him AND I wanted him to know  that his backing out on his promise to work diligently and instead complaining and procrastinating affected me and I felt badly about it. 

I wanted him to know the consequences -that you can step up to the plate and make up for bad choices but it depends on how quickly you do and how you show responsibility for poor choices including those that affect others. 

He's gone to Disney twice so far.  We're going to go again we hope. He has a Dumbo stuffed animal and lots of Disney souveneirs as do we from decades ago.  He was born in a major American city and we moved to another major city.  He's surrounded with people of all types including people who act in entitled ways, people who are far too into materialistic thing IMO and yet he has solid values that don't include being spoiled and entitled and I would never let him blame society or some notion of "product of the west" for acting in an entitled way. 

It's great that Russia is a good fit for you and I am very sorry for your past losses and struggles which I am sure still hurt today -I cannot imagine but please end things and own your choices -it will be hard and will help you and your children so much.  Again I am so sorry for the loss of your wife and wish you peace and that you have support when you need it.

[MissCanuck]

23 minutes ago, jchristopher said:

i am a spoiled entitled selfish product of the west who keeps wanting the disney fairytales

No. This is not a product of the West or Disney. Millions of us Westerners grew up with Disney and have largely healthy love lives as adults. While it's easier to blame-shift, it's really just a product of your own internal dysfunction.

Until you address that and take real accountability, you will continue to make poor choices in your romantic life. The problem isn't the collective "West" - it's you. 

[jchristopher]

ok, sure, i can accept that - "internal dysfunction", regardless, i know myself to be selfish and entitled... and yet still a jordan peterson fan, and of the acceptance of personal responsibility... yet a dreamer, and an idealist... but i am trying.  i suppose we all have our plusses and minuses. 

you guys missed the point with disney... but that is ok.  "the west", well, and certainly there are exceptions to the rule everywhere, but the collective western mindset is more toxic than my girlfriend, haha.  

Karamazov answers all these questions actually, and maybe, just maybe that is why i am in Russia - i also want to look into the depths and wrestle with my honesty and acceptance... 

[Batya33]

6 minutes ago, jchristopher said:

ok, sure, i can accept that - "internal dysfunction", regardless, i know myself to be selfish and entitled... and yet still a jordan peterson fan, and of the acceptance of personal responsibility... yet a dreamer, and an idealist... but i am trying.  i suppose we all have our plusses and minuses. 

you guys missed the point with disney... but that is ok.  "the west", well, and certainly there are exceptions to the rule everywhere, but the collective western mindset is more toxic than my girlfriend, haha.  

Karamazov answers all these questions actually, and maybe, just maybe that is why i am in Russia - i also want to look into the depths and wrestle with my honesty and acceptance... 

That is your issue then.  You are rationalizing this away based on "oh well I'm a dreamer and an idealist" -I bet you don't indulge in that when you parent your 3 kids -not to any real extent that would risk their safety/happiness/well-being.

It's fine if you think the West is toxic -we can agree to disagree- but it has zero to do with your adult choices.

Wrestle all you want with "honesty" and "acceptance" and all that abstract stuff. My recommendation is don't allow yourself to indulge in abstractions when faced with real life choices.  And honesty has nothing to do with choosing to overshare in order to form an insta-relationship with a beautiful woman.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, jchristopher said:

We moved to russia because i love russia - i have a long history with living here.  and we are orthodox, 

Since you're in Russia, you can meet plenty of Russian Orthodox women.  Certainly a country as large as Russian has a lot of sane women. So the issue here is more of a hot/crazy type of dynamic.  

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, jchristopher said:

Karamazov answers all these questions actually, and maybe, just maybe that is why i am in Russia - i also want to look into the depths and wrestle with my honesty and acceptance..

I am familiar with the work of Karamazov and several other giants of Russian literature. I don't see what this has to do with your current relationship problems. 

1 hour ago, jchristopher said:

you guys missed the point with disney

No, not really. It was easy point to grasp. 

But again, it has zero to do with your toxic relationship or choice to repeatedly return to a woman who wipes her feet on you and abuses you. As you can see, when you don't fix what's broken inside you, it doesn't matter what side of the globe you are on: you will gravitate towards chaos and dysfunction, just as you're doing now. 

Don't get distracted by irrelevant West vs East deabtes. That's not your problem here. Focus on jchristopher and providing more stability for your kids. They need Dad to make healthier relationship choices. 

 

 

[boltnrun]

If you're looking for the Disney romance fantasy, why choose to remain with a woman who abuses you?  The only abusers in Disney fairy tales are the villains.

I'm lactose intolerant.  Cheesecake is delicious.  It tastes great and I enjoy eating it.  But afterward I suffer from terrible gas pains and sometimes even have diarrhea.  Should I continue to eat cheesecake because I want it to taste good and not make me sick?  Or do I need to deal with the reality?

[jchristopher]

The Brothers Karamazov is a book, by Dostoevsky... and i tend to divide all of life into two parts, pre and post reading this book...

i am trying to be honest with myself, but you guys are a little bit vicious.. haha.  it's ok, i take into account that you neither know me or any more about me than what i wrote and the assumptions which you make. a little interesting how some people here are so quick to fill in the details and make such authoritative proclamations.  but perhaps it would be more helpful if you simply wanted to look at the duality of relationships with the understanding that no one is perfect, that i myself am trying very hard, and that i am genuinely seeking advice - and it is easy to tell when the advice is balanced, and also easy to tell when it is not... or when someone has their own issues which they bring to the discussion... 

you know, i had a very loving mother, and i was very close to her.  yet, i can remember exactly what it was like for her to be pushed too far, and the irrationality of her emotions at times... and i look at my own father and easily see how he was so poor at giving her the attention that she needed... and i see so much of my father in myself.  and so, yeah, i see that maybe i am to blame for some of the problems i have with my girlfriend... it's not just her - and truly i am a stubborn selfish spoiled man... and if you knew me, you would agree.

the biggest concern is her past history of cheating... that is real cause for alarm, and i don't want believe that she would, i mean, everyone wants to feel that their emotional connection with others is valid and real... i weigh this heavily, and i really hate to break up with her, but i feel like the risk is too great...  

"insta relationship", what?  i have been seeing this girl for over a year... and i am trying to figure all this out... and all this started and remained at a friendship level for a long time. 

plus it's not like she is all the time unbearable to be around, and what i wrote was a diatribe of the the worst.  there may be a reason why my girls like her so much - she certainly has her bright side, knowing how to make a room light up with joy for all around her.  people love this girl - she is quite charismatic...  and very intelligent.  and very helpful at times.

another part of the story is that she had a exceptionally difficult childhood and still is very depressed about her parents and upbringing... and, actually, suffers severely from depression - enough that she has problems sleeping and has been visiting different psychologist seeking help.  

also noteworthy, to assume that i am looking for a dramatic relationship or that i "get off" on being in a situation like that is just insane.  pervious to this girl i broke up with two other girls, both of which wanted to get married - and the second one was actually shockingly pretty - but but but, there were major red flags and i myself put an end to these situations without flinching at all.  my girlfriend now makes me flinch, makes me not want to walk away... there is a lot of good, even great in her - and, i have never in my life met someone to whom i felt so drawn... but, obviously, if i am inquiring of a forum, instead of my usual modus operandi, there must be something good enough in her that makes me have a real struggle with deciding what to do.