jchristopher

ah, yes, great point! yeah, i am not so much worried about meeting someone else i suppose... i am more worried that maybe i am overreacting to the situation and letting someone that i also find amazing go - but this comment of yours helps me to have better clarity. spasibo!

The Brothers Karamazov is a book, by Dostoevsky... and i tend to divide all of life into two parts, pre and post reading this book... i am trying to be honest with myself, but you guys are a little bit vicious.. haha. it's ok, i take into account that you neither know me or any more about me than what i wrote and the assumptions which you make. a little interesting how some people here are so quick to fill in the details and make such authoritative proclamations. but perhaps it would be more helpful if you simply wanted to look at the duality of relationships with the understanding that no one is perfect, that i myself am trying very hard, and that i am genuinely seeking advice - and it is easy to tell when the advice is balanced, and also easy to tell when it is not... or when someone has their own issues which they bring to the discussion... you know, i had a very loving mother, and i was very close to her. yet, i can remember exactly what it was like for her to be pushed too far, and the irrationality of her emotions at times... and i look at my own father and easily see how he was so poor at giving her the attention that she needed... and i see so much of my father in myself. and so, yeah, i see that maybe i am to blame for some of the problems i have with my girlfriend... it's not just her - and truly i am a stubborn selfish spoiled man... and if you knew me, you would agree. the biggest concern is her past history of cheating... that is real cause for alarm, and i don't want believe that she would, i mean, everyone wants to feel that their emotional connection with others is valid and real... i weigh this heavily, and i really hate to break up with her, but i feel like the risk is too great... "insta relationship", what? i have been seeing this girl for over a year... and i am trying to figure all this out... and all this started and remained at a friendship level for a long time. plus it's not like she is all the time unbearable to be around, and what i wrote was a diatribe of the the worst. there may be a reason why my girls like her so much - she certainly has her bright side, knowing how to make a room light up with joy for all around her. people love this girl - she is quite charismatic... and very intelligent. and very helpful at times. another part of the story is that she had a exceptionally difficult childhood and still is very depressed about her parents and upbringing... and, actually, suffers severely from depression - enough that she has problems sleeping and has been visiting different psychologist seeking help. also noteworthy, to assume that i am looking for a dramatic relationship or that i "get off" on being in a situation like that is just insane. pervious to this girl i broke up with two other girls, both of which wanted to get married - and the second one was actually shockingly pretty - but but but, there were major red flags and i myself put an end to these situations without flinching at all. my girlfriend now makes me flinch, makes me not want to walk away... there is a lot of good, even great in her - and, i have never in my life met someone to whom i felt so drawn... but, obviously, if i am inquiring of a forum, instead of my usual modus operandi, there must be something good enough in her that makes me have a real struggle with deciding what to do.

ok, sure, i can accept that - "internal dysfunction", regardless, i know myself to be selfish and entitled... and yet still a jordan peterson fan, and of the acceptance of personal responsibility... yet a dreamer, and an idealist... but i am trying. i suppose we all have our plusses and minuses. you guys missed the point with disney... but that is ok. "the west", well, and certainly there are exceptions to the rule everywhere, but the collective western mindset is more toxic than my girlfriend, haha. Karamazov answers all these questions actually, and maybe, just maybe that is why i am in Russia - i also want to look into the depths and wrestle with my honesty and acceptance...

you guys are great, thank you for all your support. its just very depressing to me... but it is life, and the gradual unfolding of the next right decision. i have given her every chance, i have held onto hope for so long. we moved to russia because i love russia - i have a long history with living here. and we are orthodox, and russia is moving in a very different direction than the collective west. my girls are 5,12, and 14. the reality is that i fell in love with someone who deceived me - and what i loved is not the reality with this girl. i suppose i cannot complain, its the natural process of time, getting to know another person and collecting data. i just wanted so bad to have hope. i see in myself a great deficiency in that the pain of loosing my first wife was so great that i keep looking for someone who can "replace" her, someone who can make me feel like i have my life back as it was before my wife got sick. i know this is not the correct way to feel / think, but i am a spoiled entitled selfish product of the west who keeps wanting the disney fairytales that drugged me in my youth... ah the brutal realizations of being an adult and coming to terms with the pain of life... again, thank you guys - i will break up with her, i simply have to. i need to do it in person, we have such a close friendship - i mean we have been talking for over a year and are very close.

i am going to end it, thank you for the encouragement.

and besides, i only really listed the negative parts of our relationship - there are actually more positives than negatives... but these things i listed feel like they would become all consuming with time.

thank you boltnrun - that is what i need to hear... i was strong enough to not be demolished by loosing my wife to mental illness, picking up the pieces and trying to rebuild a stable better life for my girls - i am certainly strong enough to end this current relationship. i really wrote because i find myself so confused, and i needed to hear that her treatment was abusive and not simply the emotions of a woman... haha. i just found that i myself was beginning to question reality... and besides, i have given her absolute ultimatums - and i am a rather strong and stubborn personality myself, so... i have explained clearly that if you behave like this there is no future. its gets complicated though because it is almost like she is two different people - one very loving and sweet, very intelligent, very industrious, extremely helpful, but then she can flip... and then... well, she is not so great to be around.

my girls are doing better than they were when my wife will still living with us, for sure. their situation is better now than it was in the states. we have tried to reduce stress and put ourselves in a more calm and civil situation - part of our reason for moving overseas... they are great, and my joy - and extremely responsible for their ages. of course no one could diagnose bpd here, but i wondered if anyone may have experience and see similarity in my situation. i only ask because i know this disorder is rather serious and i am greatly afraid of being in any situation with mental illness again... i can assure you that i am not attracted to unstable women at all. in fact, this girl seemed to be the most stable ever, but what once was my perception has changed to quite the opposite... as she herself has changed drastically from what she sold herself to be in the beginning... furthermore, this girl lives in moscow and i am two hours away - we see each other only about once a week... apart from some trips we have taken together. granted, she cannot seem to hold to any more long distance development and wants to move to where i am or us move to moscow... its all "i cannot live without you" and endless phone calls, and texting all day... and i am maybe kinda confused, in part, due to the inability to trust her after finding out she was married and the slow transition from a serious and sweet, very endearing woman, to what she has now shown herself to be... the most confusing part is that i cannot spell out my problems / concerns to her - there is no longer room for discussion... it has just turned into her massive and debilitating mood swings - angry in a flash. at first, for the first six months at least i felt as though i could do no wrong... it was even embarrasing to be honest - to the degree that she seemed to idolize me - and not for being from the states, she does not even like americans actually... it was more about Russia, philosophy, Dostoevsky, history, life goals, etc... and through the real development of a close relationship and friendship it changed into something that i realize i cannot be part of any longer... but it breaks my heart to be honest. and i will admit - this has turned into something like an addiction... ugh, wishing i could catch a break - both for myself and for my girls.

maybe she is borderline - does anyone have experience with this? does this behavior seem indicative of this illness? yeah, i don't know why i attract unstable women... sometimes i wonder if it is me, and perhaps i am the crazy one... but i can assure you that all i want is a simple life, and i used to live very simple, but everything has been turned upside down with this girl...

thank you guys for all your input... to be honest it has been a real challenge for me and hard being a single father... and i need help - especially not being a native of russia and still struggling with the language. i am not wealthy at all - in fact i put most of my money into starting a business here and it failed... this girl also has so much which is so great, but i am getting very tired to be honest. she is not trying to marry me to move to the states, i feel confident about this - she is very much a lover of russia and a slavophile...

no no, i want normal!! this is a tricky situation - maybe an addiction... we connect mentally, emotionally, and well... the physical is hard to walk away from...

Andrina, thank you - i am trying, good advice. i am grateful. i just want to make sure that i am not crazy and missing the point that women are in general more emotional than men... yeah, i have to end this relationship.

i was married to my ex wife for 15 years - but after the birth of our second child she was diagnosed with schizophrenia. i took care of her and loved her very much, until she went off her medicine and refused further treatments - it ended with a judge ordering her to leave our house. i spent three years in intense pain over the loss and am still suffering anxiety over both the loss and issues that i dealt with taking care of her for so long... i suppose it changed me as a person. fast forward three years post divorce and i met an amazing girl... well, we fell completely in love... but it has been kinda rocky, well, a lot rocky. i moved abroad and am living in Russia and i have been talking to this girl for over a year now - from our first conversation we really hit it off and as it turns out it is beyond the scope of my ability to imagine how well suited we are for each other - or at least it feels like that often. that being said we are both an emotional wreck. we share so much in common! she is stunning beautiful, never been married, has no children... she grew up on a farm and had a difficult childhood, yet reminisces a simple life in the village - i, also, have been trying to move in this direction. her education is unbelievable, having read nearly all Russian classical literature before even entering high school. but she moved to moscow for university and works there now, and herself dreams of returning to village life. we are both orthodox, have the same value system, like the same things, have the same sense of humor and can talk all night about the Russian soul and philosophy. she is extremely educated. basically she is my dream girl. however! too good to be true... haha! it certainly seems as fate would yet deal another impossibly difficult situation that i must navigate myself through. to begin with she is rather childish and loves to "provoke" (her own words) - this coupled with her sarcasm is hard for my wounded heart to deal with. not to mention that i am American and a very straight forward person - yes is yes, no is no. she rather likes to tease, and holds an extreme perspective of old world roles of men and women. in her mind, it is the responsibility of the man to win the girl over, to read her mind, to be teased... it is the responsibility of a man to understand that she means "yes" when she says "no"... furthermore, her idea is that words don't really matter - that i should preform in actions and see from her actions the reality that she loves me. ok ok... kinda simple and manageable, kinda, but it gets crazy... to make a long story short, 6 months into our relationship she told me that she was married. granted, it was an unhappy marriage and she did not even live with her husband anymore - but they remained married and hung out sometimes... when i found this out i told her that i was done, final, that is it! i even blocked her. but but but, she found a way to contact me, and she begged, said she could not live without me, that she has never met anyone like me before... and on, and on... and she actually divorced her husband - for me. she told him about me and they went and signed the divorce (in Russia it is very easy). so... i began again, and gave her a chance, but trust was nearly ruined, if not demolished... hope still remains i suppose... but... it get crazier... let me spell out the issues i am having - bearing in mind that i am somewhat traumatized from my first wife which was consumed with a chaotic mental illness. tell me if i should run or that maybe i have met the love of my life. also, i should mention that all my pain disappeared with this girl - she is truly a dream to me. but its fire and gasoline at the same time - lots of pain, but a beautiful display as well. i am going to spell out the details of the problems i am having, but i should mention that there is an equal amount of "amazing" between us - its on or off, hot or cold, up or down, but never normal and never the middle path. Everything based upon a lie – she was married and did not tell me. She compares me to her ex… She seems to crave attention from other men and she gets it, easy. I cannot begin to tell you the stories of other men who obsess over her. taxi drivers will call the taxi company after giving her a lift, just to get her number. All her ex boyfriends are completely obsessed with her, and she seems to like this... She lets me know about the other men who are interested in her. And and and, it seems like all her former relationships (four main ones) ended with her cheating. i met her on a dating site - while she was married! I fear that she would cheat, that she would become bored with me, that my life would be too difficult for her. After all she is 14 years younger than me and i have three children... and she has this history of cheating... I feel like i am either the enemy or the best thing that ever happened to her - no middle ground, no normal. She is very critical of me, she turns my complements into insults somehow. She has a great memory, but totally gaslights me and makes me begin to question my own sanity. Today she told me that despite how much she loves me that she could never marry me if i did not want to have children - yet i have talked to her for six months about how i so much want to have more children. She is excessively critical and i feel like nothing is ever good enough despite my efforts. I guess it is due to the trust being so betrayed, but i never can tell if she is lying or being honest. It does not help that i commonly catch her in lies, and often about the smallest and most insignificant things. Everything that we build together in closeness can quickly and easily be discarded - its so hard to build a foundation of trust. she will lie about things that she knows i know to be a lie. She has a fundamentally different concept of how relationships work than I do. She expects for me to “win” her in the face of constant criticism and rejection. She expects me to read her mind… No matter how hard I try she tells me that I don’t try… I am set to loose no matter what. Whatever I do is not enough, whatever I say is not right, and I simply cannot win. I feel like she will argue anything just for the sake of being right. Well, and i am stubborn too, yup... and a philosophy major, so... I feel controlled by her, like being held in the corner and with a taste for punishment. I have never had anyone treat me like this… She will say things like, “if you don’t buy four waters I will never talk to you again.” I have never felt so insignificant in a relationship as I often do when she begins her incessant demands of me. I begin to feel like i am not allowed to think for myself. And if she does not get her way she can be very manipulative. She thinks she knows what is best for my children, she tells me how to run my business, she throws away things of mine that she does not like (without asking)... I feel that in arguments she knows she is wrong, but still argues because the core issue is control over me... She has no problems willfully doing things to punish me, desiring to inflict pain, and remaining cold and calculating as she watches me suffer. And then, she can also be very empathetic... But its either delight in me suffering, or she wants to console me with kindness in an extreme way - back and forth. Our conversations are often strained… We often do not have this natural rhythm in our relationship and it causes me to loose hope of finding a maintainable and normal way to enjoy life with her. This is especially true when we are talking on the phone. It is so hard to “get it right” in our conversation, despite my sincere attempts. And then, sometimes it is the easiest thing in the world... She has no perspective of money. Her emotional stability and desires take precedent over the responsibility of work – and she also demands this of me. It does not seem grounded in reality and responsibility, and it is certainly not my way of being. Because we cannot make it one single day without arguing, she always becomes greatly offended in some way. We break up all the time. She gets upset and makes absolute statements over the smallest details of something she does not like. But... if i do break up with her then she freaks out, begs, cries, and every time wiggles her way back... Her fear of germs seems obsessive to me and likely would result in future problems… It would certainly be an issue with my daughters. She tells me that I am the crazy one, but I have never known anyone in all my life with such an obsessive fear of germs… And it does not even make sense, because she lets your dog walk everywhere in her flat, but I cannot even sit on the couch in clean pants… And i feel controlled with all the “wash your hands, don’t sit there, don’t touch that...” - as though she enjoys having this control. She finds fault with everything that I do… The flowers are not enough, I never pay for anything (which i certainly do), my house is so dirty, I don’t do this right, I say the wrong things, I laugh too much, and on and on… I feel like I am only capable of turning in the wrong direction in her eyes… I am always expecting to hear how I messed up again… I have never had anyone complain about me in the things which she finds to be "too much". She is back and forth between loving and hating me, because I am either the best or the worst in her eyes – never normal existence, only extremes. If I tell her that I cannot continue, that we need to stop, that I don’t see how we can have any future – then she will love bomb me, tell me I am the best, that I am perfect, that she cannot live without me, and on and on… She will not stop until she has me back. But… As soon as I am back it is a short time before she begins with disapproval. She has left me in a foreign city, threatened me, made me to beg, slapped me in public, cussed me in public, make a scene, and seems to have no issue embarrassing me and showing to others that she has control. She tells me that i am the most greedy and selfish person that she knows and that she despises people like me... but, she will also tell me that i am irresistible and the most intelligent person she has ever me, that she has never met anyone like me and cannot live without me. Not to mention that my entire life has been turned upside down, I have become completely irresponsible and find myself constantly consumed with trying to maintain our relationship. so... these are some of the issues i am having - i am sure there are more that i am forgetting haha. i don't know guys - it is hard for me to gauge having been a caretaker to someone with schizophrenia for ten years, and so maybe i don't know what normal is anymore. this girl wants to get married by the way, and as previously stated she left her husband for me. its all so crazy. and the truth is that i love her, i have never ever ever met anyone like her - that is for sure... and i know i certainly have many faults - after all i am a product of the selfish entitled west... and an extrovert, and certainly too prideful... well, i understand that there is plenty for her to complain about... goodness, if i am honest, i love this girl - the good is amazing, like nothing i have ever experienced... my daughters love her - and they were so against every other woman i dated after i lost my wife. should i stick it out, should i face my own demons and try to change the wretchedness of myself through self sacrifice and humility? or is she totally nuts and i am only setting myself up for a theatrical and painful ending which i may never recover from? thanks for your consideration and kindness in taking the time to read my self obsessed attempt to beg for help.