I don't want to have sex with my bf

[agirlwithnoname]

I'm a pretty conservative woman, I'm the type of "wait until marriage" kinda girl. From the start of our relationship, i discussed with my bf that I don't want to do it yet, we have to wait, etc., and he agreed. But months after that, there has been a couple of times that he wants and attempts to touch me and i feel so disrespected. I talked to him again about it but keeps agreeing, then doing it again despite of me saying no, again and again. It just keeps building so inside me, I feel so disrespected, nearly violated. Things are going out of the way for weeks now. I'm falling out of love but i feel like if I left him he would go ballistic. What should I do? 

[Seraphim]

This relationship won’t work. Don’t waste his time or yours. 

[bungalo]

This is a boundary issue, if he agreed to it, and you feel like you're not in love with him, why are you afraid of him going ballistic? Is he violent? 

Also, many people can be conflicted in a relationship and can be turned off by a guy that doesn't even try to make a move as well. I know this is true because I've lived it. Mixed signals as long as you're not giving him those then you do what's right for you.

[Coily]

Time to end the relationship. You two are not compatible. Full Stop.

I would follow up asking how old you two are?

I would also ask if he's getting mixed messages?

 

[agirlwithnoname]

1 minute ago, Coily said:

Time to end the relationship. You two are not compatible. Full Stop.

I would follow up asking how old you two are?

I would also ask if he's getting mixed messages?

 

I'm 22, he's 23. 

No, it's very clear to him that i don't want it yet. I can't understand him, he still continue to make an attempt even if i keep saying no.

[agirlwithnoname]

5 minutes ago, bungalo said:

This is a boundary issue, if he agreed to it, and you feel like you're not in love with him, why are you afraid of him going ballistic? Is he violent? 

Also, many people can be conflicted in a relationship and can be turned off by a guy that doesn't even try to make a move as well. I know this is true because I've lived it. Mixed signals as long as you're not giving him those then you do what's right for you.

Yes, he also gaslights me, he keeps rubbing of my face of the things he has done for me. I loved him truly, i just got tired of understanding being patient with him. He doesn't change.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this.

I'd take this as clear, irrefutable evidence that you two are not compatible.

Moving forward, I would only date men who share your belief in waiting until marriage for sex, rather than those who say they're understanding even if it's not their belief. You talked to him about this and he agreed, I get it. But my guess is he did so hoping you'd change in time. 

 

[Coily]

2 minutes ago, agirlwithnoname said:

I'm 22, he's 23. 

No, it's very clear to him that i don't want it yet. I can't understand him, he still continue to make an attempt even if i keep saying no.

Got ya. It sounds like he has a case of the young and horny; unfortunately that won't change. I am presuming you are both virgins (Which is very commendable), I think he has too much external pressure to be "a real man" by having sex; which is not respectful of your current relationship.

As such i think you need to move on, and establish a relationship with someone of like mind. Luckily at your age there are more similarly minded people out there.

[Batya33]

I felt this way at your age. My then fiancée also felt the same way so anytime we fooled around and got too close to the line we both would talk about it and also pull back. It never ever would have worked if we weren’t in the same page because we had sleepovers and fooled around etc and I trusted him not to pressure me. And he didn’t. and he didn’t feel teased or led on because we had clear communication and felt the same. We broke up and didn’t marry. 
With my next boyfriend I ended up deciding not to wait till marriage. But I waited a long time and till we were very serious. He was impatient towards the end. And it was uncomfortable but since I’d decided to have sex with him that was a short time period and I felt at the time I understood his frustration.  We had a good relationship for most of the 2 years after and had a good sex life too. 
I think you should date men who feel the same way as you or are fine with accommodating you.  He is not. He is acting like a jerk but also you two are incompatible.  I’m sorry !

[agirlwithnoname]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I felt this way at your age. My then fiancée also felt the same way so anytime we fooled around and got too close to the line we both would talk about it and also pull back. It never ever would have worked if we weren’t in the same page because we had sleepovers and fooled around etc and I trusted him not to pressure me. And he didn’t. and he didn’t feel teased or led on because we had clear communication and felt the same. We broke up and didn’t marry. 
With my next boyfriend I ended up deciding not to wait till marriage. But I waited a long time and till we were very serious. He was impatient towards the end. And it was uncomfortable but since I’d decided to have sex with him that was a short time period and I felt at the time I understood his frustration.  We had a good relationship for most of the 2 years after and had a good sex life too. 
I think you should date men who feel the same way as you or are fine with accommodating you.  He is not. He is acting like a jerk but also you two are incompatible.  I’m sorry !

Thank you for this! 

[agirlwithnoname]

14 minutes ago, Coily said:

Got ya. It sounds like he has a case of the young and horny; unfortunately that won't change. I am presuming you are both virgins (Which is very commendable), I think he has too much external pressure to be "a real man" by having sex; which is not respectful of your current relationship.

As such i think you need to move on, and establish a relationship with someone of like mind. Luckily at your age there are more similarly minded people out there.

Thank you so much for this!

[MissCanuck]

The only option is to end the relationship. 

It's one thing for him to feel like he wants sex with you, but this is absolutely unacceptable and manipulative:

47 minutes ago, agirlwithnoname said:

he also gaslights me, he keeps rubbing of my face of the things he has done for me.

If you don't feel safe ending it in person with him, call him and do it instead. 

[boltnrun]

So he thinks you "owe" him sex because he's done things for you?

This is not respectful behavior. I'm sure you want a boyfriend who respects you. Since he doesn't seem to, the only option is to end the relationship.

If you are afraid of him "going ballistic", end it over messaging or a phone call. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, agirlwithnoname said:

I feel so disrespected, nearly violated. I'm falling out of love but i feel like if I left him he would go ballistic. 

Follow your instincts that he's disrespectful. If you have these boundaries that's fine but his lip service combined with attempts is unsustainable. You're incompatible at best. Consider cutting your losses.

You have every right to breakup. If he's abusive or "goes ballistic", delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps and consider a restraining order if he gets out of hand. 

[Betterwithout]

A sensitive topic indeed, but good for you in holding your ground and keeping your morals in check.  Most guys would casually flirt about the idea, but it should in no way feel like pressure.  Consensual sex is consensual.  Besides there is a lot a fun to be had in 1st, 2nd and 3rd base anyway!

Tell him you are firm with your decision, and if he can't live with it, that you guys can't continue.

[Kwothe28]

Sadly I dont think your boyfriend is very conservative guy. He thought that maybe in time you will cave in if he pressures you enough so he stayed there but dont think he would stay if he was convinced sex is completely off the table. 

Your core values just dont match. That is enough for you to break up. And maybe next time try to find somebody with the same value skills. For example maybe in some conservative groups. In fact, pretty sure there is an app even for that today. Or maybe even some church group organizes a meet up amongst single members. I am saying this because, others didnt go there, but you are really asking something very rare today. Where lots of them dont even wait until the end of the date for sex, let alone until marriage. So its maybe better to try finding men who share same values. I had a friend who was like that. Who was thought that the man who she losts her virginity should be her husband otherwise her family would disawow her. She did married and has 2 kids. Even had a boyfriends in meantime. But she did "other stuff" in order to satisfy those boyfriends if you know what I mean. Again, in todays time, what you seek is rare. 

[SooSad33]

You can't control his feelings.  Why would he go balistic?

He was made aware of your circumstances in the beginning - and he obviously has his 'needs'.  Sadly, it sounds like this whole thing is now turning you off 😕 .

IMO, you need someone in your life who will & can wait this way.  He's not one of those.