Is buying home with boyfriend too risky?

[Moving too fast]

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 18 months and we each have our own homes. We try to alternate weekend since we live a bit of a distance from each other. I believe our relationship is in a good place, but he’s at the point where he wants to move in with me full-time and then get married shortly thereafter. 
 

we are both older and I’m not interested in being with anyone else because I really believe he’s a good person and he really wants to be in a committed relationship. My concern is that we haven’t lived with each other full-time yet, so he’s buying a new home together too risky? would it be better for us to find a place to live together for at least 6 to 8 months to make sure that we are ready for the next step or am I being too cautious? It may make a difference between us moving forward together a relationship or not, because he wants to be married. He was divorced a few years ago after 34 your marriage and I was widowed 12 years ago after a 30 year marriage for me, well, marriage is something that I probably would like. I’m also very, very cautious.

[boltnrun]

I would not do it. 

What is the plan? You are both going to sell your respective homes and purchase one together? 

[spinstermanquee]

A possible ask would be for him to take the equity from his home and invest in yours but only if he wanted part ownership.  If he doesn't want to be on the deed/mortgage then the reasonable thing would be to figure out jointly what his contribution to your equity would be.  You would split up the yearly costs if not equally, then on a bill-by-bill basis or a monthly.  He could buy all the groceries and pay entertainment, etc.  He could accrue for your property taxes over the course of a quarter or a year, according to your local tax collector.  Million permutations.

In any case, it would not be wise to leave these negotiations to post-movein.

It's a lot more difficult to negotiate partner stakes in real estate than other types.  Marriage is the (IMHO) the only status in which I would own RE with someone.  YMMV.

Best of luck my dear!

[Cherylyn]

I agree with @boltnrunI wouldn't either.  Keep your house.  He should keep his house.  Whether you're married or not, move into one house and rent the other house.  Then if your relationship or marriage should dissolve (I hope not), both of you have separate assets and can move back to your respective houses.  Less gamble this way.  Protect your finances at all costs! 

[HeartGoesOn]

No.  The legal issues are much more complicated, rather than buying a home as a married couple.

It's your call, but I woldn't do as it appears to be too risky.

[Kwothe28]

Why not first live together for a while? 

There is a big transition between just dating and living together. You can see each other a couple of times a week and not felt too pressuring. But living together is a different thing. It requires a lot of adaptation. Some of the things you didnt know that you would mind about your partner come through. For example in dating you wouldnt care or notice your partner not doing dishes, or helping around a home or even hygiene habits. But when you live together, you would notice all that things as you are there 24/7 and it affects you as well. 

So, I wouldnt just jump in on buying home together until you know that you can cohabit the same space without too much problems. It would be kinda silly to just rent something when you have your own homes, but one moving in with the other for a while until you see that you can live together, without the other selling the property, is maybe a better idea then to both sell and buy one joint one. Its too risky when you dont know if you can cohabit together at all.

[waffle]

I would not live with someone without being married, but that's just me.

[Jaunty]

I wouldn't buy a house with someone I'd only known a year an a half.  Probably would advise that you wait until you are married, since it seems you are on that track.

[catfeeder]

I would not do it. One of us would buy, the other would rent from the buyer in a creative agreement at a discounted rate to allow for another form of investment with the savings.

[Batya33]

Agree with the others -too risky.  Also don't see why you have to live together and share physical space yet -do the two of you see that as essential to increasing an emotional bond or it's just more convenient than traveling to see each other?

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Moving too fast said:

 buying a new home together too risky? 

Have you spoken to your adult children about your concerns? Talk to an attorney about selling your home to buy one with him. 

Make your decisions based on reason, logic, finances and facts rather than him pressuring you to sell your house and buy one with him.

[Andrina]

Is it really a big deal for one of you to vacate your home for 6 months to live with the other? The vacant house can be checked on regularly. From your previous posts, I'm assuming you would be doing this test run in his house. Yes, this could show you a lot, either for the good or bad. If I were him, knowing this was a temporary time where you still have your own mortgage to pay, I'd expect you to contribute to groceries, and half the water bill perhaps, but not expect rent during this brief period.

If that goes well, do you agree on what sort of home you will be buying? Do you both want to downsize or not?

I don't know if you're retired or not, but many people want their mortgage paid off at retirement because at that point you won't be bringing in the money you did when working.

I believe it's a seller's market right now, so just some things to think about. Make sure what you end up doing makes financial sense.

[smackie9]

56 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Is it really a big deal for one of you to vacate your home for 6 months to live with the other? The vacant house can be checked on regularly. From your previous posts, I'm assuming you would be doing this test run in his house. Yes, this could show you a lot, either for the good or bad. If I were him, knowing this was a temporary time where you still have your own mortgage to pay, I'd expect you to contribute to groceries, and half the water bill perhaps, but not expect rent during this brief period.

If that goes well, do you agree on what sort of home you will be buying? Do you both want to downsize or not?

I don't know if you're retired or not, but many people want their mortgage paid off at retirement because at that point you won't be bringing in the money you did when working.

I believe it's a seller's market right now, so just some things to think about. Make sure what you end up doing makes financial sense.

The buying frenzy is over due to the increase of interest rates. Sellers are not selling like they were over a year ago. 

[smackie9]

OP you have to take the romantic interest out of the equation. Now would you risk making such an investment with someone you have only known for 18 months? 

[Lambert]

I would not buy a home with someone I am not married to. And I wouldn't just live with someone. I also would not go into a marriage with an exit strategy. All of those things are out of my comfort zone. Of course divorces and break ups do happen so there is an inherent risk. 

You mention being tired of the back and forth. That is not good (imo) a reason to combine households or marry. It's a convenience thing. And not enough for me to take the leap. Maybe one of you can move closer to the other. Don't rush into something for the wrong reasons.

[Cherylyn]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

The buying frenzy is over due to the increase of interest rates. Sellers are not selling like they were over a year ago. 

In turn, due to higher interest rates, buyers are reluctant to purchase impulsively nowadays unless the seller is prepared for the prospective buyer to haggle and sell the house at a reduced bargain price.  It's all relative.

I am a long time homeowner and observed cyclical real estate markets during boom and bust periods.  It's nothing I hadn't seen before.

[smackie9]

14 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

In turn, due to higher interest rates, buyers are reluctant to purchase impulsively nowadays unless the seller is prepared for the prospective buyer to haggle and sell the house at a reduced bargain price.  It's all relative.

I am a long time homeowner and observed cyclical real estate markets during boom and bust periods.  It's nothing I hadn't seen before.

Me too, but it's been 15 years of bidding wars which we have never seen before to now zero. Bidding wars for rentals now. 

 

[smackie9]

OP you want to invest, invest in yourself. Buy a place that has a rental suite (mortgage helper). He can come live with you, sock his money away, and later he can buy and rent his place out. If something goes sideways, he can go live in his house, and you still can afford your place with a renter. 

[Betterwithout]

On 2/8/2023 at 8:26 PM, Cherylyn said:

Keep your house.  He should keep his house.  Whether you're married or not, move into one house and rent the other house.  Then if your relationship or marriage should dissolve (I hope not), both of you have separate assets and can move back to your respective houses.  Less gamble this way.  Protect your finances at all costs! 

THIS!  ^^
Very good advice.   I sold my original house and my wife kept her old house and rented it and we bought a new home together.  Selling my house is my biggest financial regret, that decision lost me about $500,000 because of real estate appreciation of 10 years.
But we're still together, and if things go South, she can still move back into her original house 😉

[Starlight925]

I've done the "buy the house with the guy" thing.  

Bad. Idea.

You've received some great advice here.  

Not sure if you're still reading here, OP, but please take the advice you've already been given.

I can tell you from experience, that even if you equally put in money, and equally pay mortgage, insurance, taxes, HOA, utilities, etc., etc., if you split up, it will be very difficult not only emotionally, but legally, and financially, to extricate yourself from the situation.  One person has to agree to take over the mortgage, refinance, get the other person's name off, agree to repay the down payment to the other person, calculate all costs paid in.....blah blah blah.....and it wasn't even a marriage.

Do Not Do It. 

In my case, we both owned homes, and we put them on the market prior to buying the house.  His was in a "hot" city, and it sold immediately.  Mine didn't sell, and thank goodness, because I'm sitting in it right now.  He was kind of screwed, because his home that he could afford on his own was now sold, and the more expensive home we bought together, he took on the debt.  

Do Not Do It.