I cheated and lied over and over and don't know what to do anymore

[TheLonelyOne_10]

So me and my bf got together over the summer(so relationship timeline is about 7 months now). At the beginning we both agreed that we didn't want a relationship. At the time, my ex had moved in with me because he couldn't afford where he was staying so I agreed but I made him pay me ever week to stay. During this, I met my now bf. I did lie about who my ex was to him because I was being stupid listening to one of my homegirls at the time. So over the months the ex that stayed was gone in like 2 weeks of me meeting my now bf. We started out as "partners in crime". I was talking to who I wanted to && vice versa. Eventually feelings got involved and we tried for a relationship but I just couldnt let my past go. I was still keeping old flings around && that was causing problems. I finally started cutting people off because it was causing major problems but there were still a couple that kept reaching out. I would talk to them but it never went any further than that. I've been going through phases of depression since July with other personal stuff going on but it also had to do with me still lying but getting caught. We've been going through this back and forth thing where we would break up && come back in like a week time at the most. Now I've been really working on change for myself because after hearing all the things he says about how I did him before, I've been very depressed because I've been hurting the person that says they love && I don't want to be like that anymore... I've been blocking people from my past because I'm working on change and self love and stuff like that because I just feel so worthless and nasty and anything else that u would consider self hate about myself, but my bf doesn't believe anything I say because I've been like the boy crying wolf to the point now that he doesn't believe me when I say I'm changing. I don't want to give up on this because it's never been bad days through the whole ordeal and he's really the only person I know that points out my bull*** when it's bull*** but now that I've been on this journey of self he don't believe me. I've been so depressed && he thinks I'm just playing victim now when I real deal be having something going on. I'm at the point now that I don't even feel like I can express myself without being told my words are bull*** or get sarcastic responses. He says he loves me and now that we where we at he says that there is really nothing that I could do that would make him leave. I love him but is it really worth losing myself completely?? Please help me!!

[Capricorn3]

You don't seem ready for a serious relationship (imo). I can only strongly advise you seek therapy to help you figure out why you "cheat and lie over and over" and sort out all of your issues and your low self-esteem.  Maybe time to break-up and get yourself sorted out before getting back into a relationship.

[MissCanuck]

You need to stay single for a while, and learn how to be on your own. 

I agree with the above that you are not ready for a relationship. You are all over the place and don't have reasonable boundaries with other men. Don't try to date until you have gotten all of that out of your system. 

This is not a healthy relationship and eventually it will end. It just depends on how long you want to do this toxic dance with him before it crashes and burns for good. 

[spinstermanquee]

lonelyone... ask yourself if it is worth swimming in a sea of lies and potentially drowning in them.  Please rescue yourself.  You are worth the world and don't let anyone tell you less.

[DarkCh0c0]

Okay, you need to break up with your bf. I know it's hard and terrifying, but you owe it to both of you. You can't keep using him or a man as a security blanket in your life. It's fine if you don't want to tell him you cheated. I know this is controversial, but if you want to do that, do it. He doesn't get to force you in this btw it takes one person to end a relationship. Go no contact afterwards.

After that, be single and get rid of all toxic people in your life. Get therapy if you can and start practicing self love and self care habits. Pick up new books on building habits and hobbies that you want. The important is, focus on you.

It's okay. There's a way out. I'm sorry it's such a struggle.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, TheLonelyOne_10 said:

So me and my bf got together  is about 7 months now. . At the time, my ex had moved in with me 

Is your ex still a boarder in your house? That's the first thing to address.

At 28 weeks dating this is a lot of drama. You don't seem too happy with the BF or the ex. 

Try to clean up your life a bit. Get the ex out if he's still there. Make a clean break with the BF you "agreed you don't want a relationship with".

Keep in mind two half-men and half-relationships don't equal a whole one.

Once you get rid of the clutter and background noise, you'll be able to reflect on what you want for a relationship. 

Trying to run a three ring circus may distract you from things, but this type of chaos will only lead to running in circles. After a while you'll be exhausted with nothing to show for it.

[DarkCh0c0]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is your ex still a boarder in your house? That's the first thing to address

I was about to say the same thing, but then I saw:

4 hours ago, TheLonelyOne_10 said:

So over the months the ex that stayed was gone in like 2 weeks of me meeting my now bf.

So he's probably gone.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think you cheated. Kept your exes for attention, sure. But cheating involves actually doing something with them. Which you didnt say you did.

That being said, its still immature thing to do. Dont think its fair from your boyfriend to blast you since he has done the same. But living with your ex as well as keeping others for attention, is not a good look and would make anyone remotely decent walk away.You should indeed reflect on those behaviors.

Moreover, would you still done those if your boyfriend is not in the picture? Change comes within ourselves. I think its nice that you see the errors and want to change your behavior. But it doesnt mean much if you go back to it as soon as your boyfriend, for example, lefts you. You need to do it for yourself, not because your boyfriend will not accept you otherwise. 

[Batya33]

I don’t think it’s healthy to walk on eggshells like this. So yes let him go and figure out what you actually do to “work” on your issues of being dishonest. I see a lot of fancy words and you know you make excuses about how your friends convinced you. Please. Don’t go there and blame “friends”.  
If you do have depression I would seek professional help. I’m sorry you’re struggling. Do you feel you hang out with people who have character and integrity ? Who are independent and have good work ethics? Might also be time to distance yourself from people who don’t value honesty and integrity. Then you won’t have to “try” for a relationship. The effort comes later when you maintain and develop a committed relationship.  If you have to “try” then one or both of you don’t want to be with the other because when you do want to it’s obvious and you’re excited to be together. No trying needed. Typically it’s harder to start out with a sexual arrangement first.

Also of course you can talk to lots of people when you’re in a relationship. Why not ?

On your own figure out exactly what actions you will take each day to work on changing behaviors that hurt yourself and others. Walk the walk. Not just saying you’re “working “. 

[Andrina]

The purpose of an argument is for the couple to come to a consensus. And then, that subject shouldn't be brought up again. That'd be like going out to get the trash you brought outside yesterday, and bringing it back into the house.

He's holding bitterness against you and can't let it go. So you will have to let him go.

You're likely used to having a lot of short term relationships, and there's always the excitement of a new love interest and that attention. Sounds like you really haven't been ready for seriousness it takes to be in a healthy, longterm relationship. 

At the point you think that's your goal, there are some easy methods you can employ. Treat your partner how you want to be treated. If you wouldn't want him to be communicating with a harem, you don't do that either. When you're not with him, imagine he's a fly on the wall, watching and listening how you're interacting with that hot co-worker and the guy trying to flirt with you inside the grocery store. 

As you mature and seek a true love, you're going to have to establish relationship boundaries and stick to them. It's a different sort of relationship that evolves into deepening levels. Perhaps not always as exciting as a brand new shiny guy every 3 months, but far more satisfying in the end. Brief relationships eventually become shallow and unsatisfying.

Take this as a learning lesson. A break from all men is essential now. Concentrate on making a fulfilling life solo for now. If you do that, you'll eventually be in a better place to try dating again. Good luck.

[Lambert]

You obviously are a smart person able to have a place, kind enough to help an ex out, smart enough to make sure he pays something to you,  attractive enough to get have options...

You're creating a lot of drama that is distracting you from time being spent on better activities- goal planning and achieving to set your life up so that you don't have loser ex boyfriends staying with you.

Stay single.  Get focused on better things- mainly you,  your goals and achieving them.  

[lostandhurt]

What are you doing to improve who you are?  Simply cutting back on the number of lies you tell isn't really an improvement is it?  Why you lied is the key.  Why you needed the attention from all those other men is the key.

Your bf is hurt and untrusting and rightfully so.  If you were in his shoes would you believe anything he said?  Stop telling him you are changing and show him.  No more promises, no more trying to convince him and no more changing for him.  You need to change for yourself because you want to be a good person, not for some man. 

Figure out the why's in your behavior and once you have those answers the changes you want for yourself will come easily.

Lost

[smackie9]

I would recommend walking away. Once someone can't trust you no matter what you say, it's over. And that's OK this is how we grow, by learning from our mistakes. This experience has given you some self thought/change. Just go forward without him, a fresh start. 

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, TheLonelyOne_10 said:

...now that I've been on this journey of self he don't believe me. I've been so depressed && he thinks I'm just playing victim now when I real deal be having something going on. I'm at the point now that I don't even feel like I can express myself without being told my words are bull*** or get sarcastic responses. He says he loves me and now that we where we at he says that there is really nothing that I could do that would make him leave. I love him but is it really worth losing myself completely?? Please help me!!

He says he loves you and won't leave, so what's your rush to 'make' him believe anything?

Show him, instead. Over t.i.m.e.

If you're sincere about making changes, then be quiet and make them. Include an ability to drop attention-seeking as one of those changes.

Maturity doesn't require approval.

[SooSad33]

I agree with your needing down time - on your own.

Sounds like you're just making your life more & more complicated.. you're losing yourself, right?  

How about you back off men for a good while and work on getting yourself back to 'good'.  You can't 'give' what you don't have. And never anything wrong with being single for a while... since this is what messes other people up.  Getting involved with someone who's still stuck on an ex.  Or who lies about everything.  It's just unfair..right?

Then be honest with them & yourself.  And work on YOU for a while... instead of falling deeper in despair 😞 .