Keep falling for the wrong guys and ending up alone and hurt

[MelissaQ]

Currently I am experiencing mixed emotione (sadness, frustration, desperation etc..) I just feel so dissappointed in myself.. So this happened: someone I was casually hooking up with just told me he was seeing someone else. This hurt more than I expected beforehand. I did grow fond of him even though the contact wasn’t that much, but he was ‘there’ for more than an year. When he told me he wanted to pursue things with someone else, it just triggered me. What does that girl has that I don’t? I did somewhat have an emotional response and now I feel guilty because I know that I look bad now.. I just feel ‘dumped’, because the message he delivered was only 2 sentences and came across very careless

I do know that the thing I had with that guy was casual and I know I shouldn’t do those things.. so thats why I feel so stupid that I fell for it again. I guess I had a glimmer of hope that the guy would start to see me differently.. He always told me he wasn’t ready for a relationship, but now he is with her.. and not me..

It’s just that this happens to me all the time.. i’ve been single for over 5 years now. Guys never see something more in me than just ‘casual’. I feel like I’m never girlfriend material.. They always tell me they are not ready for a relationship when things end, but then end up in one a few months later. I then feel so alone and ‘unwanted’ because all the guys Ive dated over the last 5 years are all in relationships now and I’m still the ‘odd’ one out. Almost feeling ashamed because of that.. 

I know I need to change something.. but I don’t know how. I just really feel that guys never see me as girlfriend material and that feeling sucks..

[Wiseman2]

29 minutes ago, MelissaQ said:

someone I was casually hooking up with just told me he was seeing someone else. Guys never see something more in me than just ‘casual’. I feel like I’m never girlfriend material.

Sorry this happened. Discontinue doing casual, hookups or other nebulous No-strings sex situationships. If it's not for you don't do it. What age range are you looking for?

 Get a good profile and pics on Quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting men Get off free and hookup apps for people just looking for sex.

Join some clubs and groups. Take some classes and course. Volunteer. Get to know men through regular contact. 

[Lambert]

Do you ever think about what you settle for is what you get? 

Casual with someone over a year is a long time. It doesn't mean something is wrong with you for expecting more from such an amount of time.  Though it does indicate something is wrong.  I do think it's telling of a person, that they can be so cold and distant after such a period of time.  

So I think the question you need to be asking yourself is why are you willing to accept so little? 

In a lot of ways, we all need to learn to be OK with being alone. because willingness to reject what you don't want is the only way to get what you do want. which requires self love & self discipline.

I have noticed when serious relationships have developed, in my life, it has had momentum, progression.. dating regularly, making plans, becoming part of each other's everyday life,  meeting friends, family, learning each other's favorites. the future together is not a taboo subject.

If you go on a few dates with someone and you don't see progression, stop seeing them. Move on quicker. Stop collecting wounded birds. Go ahead with yourself. 

Chin up. These things do happen and it's not always you... protect your heart more.  be more decisive. cut people loose. 

Stay open for the real thing.  the guy that works with you.  that's showing progress not potential! 

 

[Batya33]

I had one longer term casual relationship in the early 90s.  I'd just broken it off with someone and wasn't rebounding but wasn't looking for serious.  I met a guy through a personal ad.  I was not so into him attraction wise but fine. He was really shy and introverted but liked going out for good meals and movies and we also did stuff with our mutual friends.  The most we hooked up was some kissing. 

This went on for about 6 months where we saw each other about once a week if he wasn't on business travel.  But then one night after dating about 5 months and due to a big miscommunication -totally on me!! - he thought I wanted to have sex with him so he tried and I said no and he was very nice about it but wanted to talk about what went wrong.  I explained the miscommunication and apologized. 

Then we had a hiatus because I was steeped in grad school exams -after a couple of weeks we met - and we talked about how this really wasn't going anywhere.  It wasn't related to the sex or lack thereof.  Just we knew it wasn't going anywhere.  We parted ways and he met his future wife within the year. 

My point is casual dating can be totally fine if both people want that and- I'll say -especially if there is not sexual intercourse involved.  Sexual intercourse complicates things -sometimes emotionally, then there is STD testing and you have to discuss what about an accidental pregnancy plus what to tell other partners/is there monogamy despite casual. 

Typically - one person wants more.  In my case because we simply had a good time in each other's company doing social stuff and sometimes doing movies at his place and cuddling on the sofa, some making out, then I'd go home - it was totally fine especially for the 6 months we dated. 

You always wanted more OP whether you were honest with yourself or not.  You settled for scraps.  Settling for scraps is a bad look and a turn off -no man is going to take you seriously as a potentially serious partner or future wife if you treat yourself like an afterthought.  So I'd stop doing so.  

I dated from age 13-39.  Stopped in 2005.  Many men saw me as wife material from the get go.  I never had casual sex.  I said no to it many times either at the time or before when we were discussing our values and standards.  I was mostly treated with respect and like a lady.  I was sexually assaulted a few times but not raped and not "major" assault I guess. 

I dated and met and flirted with many many men -met 100 at least through onlinedating sites.  Typically waited months -except two times where it was closer to two months -to have sexual intercourse. 

I had a number of really cool women friends who pretended like they were good with casual sex-how fun how exciting how empowering -and they lied to themselves.  Some didn't -some enjoyed the fun and thrill of it and were fine with moving on after -most became jaded and cynical.  I never did for more than a couple of hours at a time. 

Which is how I became the right person with a much better chance of finding the right person. I did get in my own way in other ways -like you are getting in your own way - and I had to have my insight and epiphany to stop sticking around in LTRs with men who I had doubts about but were Right on Paper.  For example. 

Had to stop getting excited by men who were a challenge because they were emotionally distant or otherwise unavailable.  I hope you come to that too.  

[smackie9]

Well darling stop settling for less. You want a relationship no? Well start your search with that intention and make it known. Don't accept "casual". Don't "hope" it could be more down the road. You go into it with confidence/self worth, and set expectations and boundaries.

[MissCanuck]

4 hours ago, MelissaQ said:

someone I was casually hooking up with

I would stop these sorts of arrangements. As soon as they tell you or give any indication they don't want to date or have a relationship, end all contact. +

Don't position yourself as the back-up option. 

[Kwothe28]

6 hours ago, MelissaQ said:

When he told me he wanted to pursue things with someone else, it just triggered me. What does that girl has that I don’t?

Aside of others pointing out that you settled for casual and now wondering why he didnt want more, this is one other thing I want to adress. 

Its not something that this girl has and that you dont. Lots of different people seek lots of different stuff. A lot of that stuff is not really positive. Like girl asking for a "tough guy" or guy asking for somebody promiscous. You could be the most wonderful girl in the world. And still some people would choose bad people over you. Its important that you know what you are and what you offer. If somebody else wants somebody better or worse then you, that is not your fault. Its just their choice, say its their loss and move on. You should know that your worth is not determined by somebody wanting to be with you. 

Anyway, if that guy wanted to be with you, he wouldnt pursue you casually. But see you as an option to date. As he was just enjoying hooking up with you, its no wonder he, after a year of that, just doesnt see you in that way. Dont accept those kind of arrangements in hopes of maybe creating something more in future. It wont happen. Focus on guys who actually want to date you and not just sleep with you and dont settle for less.

[JohnLee]

I have not much to add as all of the advice here are very good about that you have settled for casual relationships and in the long term it ruined your self confidence and resulted in deep resentment of yourself and your exes. My advice, from someone who is also anxious and lack of confidence in romantic relationships, is that you need to learn to love and take care of yourself first. Exercise (consistently), meditate, pick up a hobby, improve your career, and hanging out with friends. Once you have learned to love yourself, you will be more confident and choose better partners who value you.

[MelissaQ]

thank you all so much for taking time to reply. I really appreciate it. I am going to use all the advice you gave me

 

It’s still very fresh and I need to get through this initial hurt/pain first… I have definitely learned from this.. I have an anxious attachment style and this situations trigger me so so so much. It’s like a trauma reaction. I take rejection so personal and process it so deeply.. wish it didn’t work that way.. 

Still feeling guilty and stupid for my emotional/reactive response to him, which makes me look like a fool.. but shouldn’t be too harsh on myself for that  too and don’t care what he thinks.

I know this pain will go away. I will definitely set my priorities and boundaries straight. Never ever going to get involved in a casual relationship anymore.. 

[Andrina]

Yes, you've been too passive in your dating life, just accepting those guys who paid attention to you and not cutting them loose when they told you their dating goals weren't the same as yours.

I made mistakes when I was in the dating scene as well. The thing I found I did well was cutting off men when I found out they would still want to multi-date after being intimate with a woman. I am fine with multi-dating if you're going out with others without being intimate, like two or three dates when you're meeting to get to know one another. When I'm so into a guy and was at the point of wanting to be intimate, I preferred someone who was on the same page as me--wanting to solely focus on one another and not date others. Didn't mean we'd made some forever commitment to one another. It just meant that at these beginning stages, we didn't feel comfortable making out with one another and then going on with dates with others to do the same thing.

Usually it takes dating a boatload of men to find the right one. Your problem has been that you've wasted huge amounts of time with guys who should've been released the moment you found out that a short term relationship was their goal.

Lesson learned, so now you know how to more forward more successfully. Take some time to work on your self-worth so you're strong in your convictions to do the absolute best for yourself in the future. Take care.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, MelissaQ said:

thank you all so much for taking time to reply. I really appreciate it. I am going to use all the advice you gave me

 

It’s still very fresh and I need to get through this initial hurt/pain first… I have definitely learned from this.. I have an anxious attachment style and this situations trigger me so so so much. It’s like a trauma reaction. I take rejection so personal and process it so deeply.. wish it didn’t work that way.. 

Still feeling guilty and stupid for my emotional/reactive response to him, which makes me look like a fool.. but shouldn’t be too harsh on myself for that  too and don’t care what he thinks.

I know this pain will go away. I will definitely set my priorities and boundaries straight. Never ever going to get involved in a casual relationship anymore.. 

Seems to me this is a typical reaction - you settled for scraps, you chose to get emotionally attached and he picked someone else over you -that stings for anyone.  

I think getting involved in a casual relationship is fine if you both are looking to casually date (I described this above). 

This was not a casual relationship -it was an arrangement where he contacted you when he was in the mood to hook up with you and you did the same.  It was not a relationship because a relationship is when two people choose to be together -even casually -and relate. 

You didn't want what he was offering -you wanted more -so you weren't relating to him or on the same wavelength as him.  So yes avoid arrangements that focus on you being available to someone when he is horny/in the mood to hang out and hook up and you know you are being dishonest with yourself and settling for scraps. 

Your reaction is not out of bounds at all - I mean I'm not questioning that you have a diagnosis or you label yourself with a certain "style" just commenting on the situation you described. I hope you feel better soon!

[lostandhurt]

I read all your other threads and your replies.

 Standing back and looking at this it seems to me that you act in a desperate manner as far as dating goes.  I am not saying you are desperate but your actions (from reading your threads) point in that direction.

Shortly after the breakup between you and your bf you very quickly hooked up with a guy.  Your reasoning was to help get your cheating bf out of your head which is fine but you got attached to this guy even though he was just "casual".  He was a jerk to be sure but after having sex 5 times he ended it and walked away leaving you feeling very hurt.  This thread is not all that different is it?

 If you get attached easily and hope it will go from casual to relationship then you shouldn't be doing any type of casual, hook up, booty call, ONS or anything at all other than real relationship interactions.  You simply are not cut out for casual and worse of all while you are wasting your time hoping some guy will change his mind you could have been meeting other men.

 If all you seem to meet is this type of guy on Tinder then you need to stop using it and try something different.  Try dating for weeks before having sex. Get to know them with your eyes wide open.  Remember the signs from the other guys? Use that knowledge and experience to defend yourself against these men that just want sex but no relationship.

Dating is hard enough but if you get attached to quickly it can be 10 times harder.

Lost 

[Batya33]

14 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Try dating for weeks before having sex. Get to know them with your eyes wide open.  Remember the signs from the other guys? Use that knowledge and experience to defend yourself against these men that just want sex but no relationship.

I suggest waiting months as long as you genuinely feel you want to wait -not as a test and if it's consistent with your values and standards. I did with two exceptions -one I waited two months and  the other the same. One of those was a big mistake and was an exception to my standard -we had to be in love and with serious potential for marriage and exclusive -not just sexually monogamous.  There were men who balked at this but usually even before we went on a date -meaning they made it clear what their standards were early on and I knew it wasn't going to happen.  Or I would then explain mine and we'd part ways. 

There were a few guys who believed that I would "change my mind".  I didn't.  I waited for intercourse.  I was sexual earlier, I did have sleepovers earlier, I was very simple and direct about what would and wouldn't happen so I wouldn't be a tease.  I wasn't.  The men who were serious minded about me really enjoyed spending nights together and weren't concerned that we were waiting for sex -often they felt the same way about sexual intercourse.  

Being in love, and committed, and knowing someone for months  - for me made the experience so much better than it would have been had we not known each other well and not been in a loving, committed relationship. 

I understand there are people who thoroughly enjoy sex outside of a committed relationship, whether or not they love the person, etc -and that's cool for them.  Maybe you do at times but at this point you have this perspective that you're not girlfriend material.  My suggestion is to wait so that you feel like girlfriend material.  And know a person over a period of months rather than some insta-relationship.  

[Cherylyn]

I'm sorry you're going through this. 

I remember a time when I was extremely unpopular.  I never dated during high school,  college and the few dates I had during post-college were not impressive.  None of the dates were realistic prospects regarding long term relationships or marriage.  Personality and characters were subpar. 

I quit dating altogether.  I decided to focus on myself.  I concentrated on good health, fitness, ascended in my career, became very financially independent and my self confidence soared.  Then heads started to turn and I became a "looker."  I garnered a lot of attention galore from very eligible bachelors who were on the fast track as I was.  Alike minds attract each other.  Success attracts success.  I wasn't about to settle for any man and neither were they.  Both parties could suddenly afford to be very picky and choosy about each other. 

Fast forward and I met and married the love of my life.  We have two amazing sons complete with the white picket fence in the suburbs.  It's a very peaceful, stable, solid life. 

If you aspire to have what I have,  you have to work for it.  It doesn't come easy. 

My mother taught me to be somebody in my own right and to prosper on my own if I wanted to meet and marry the upper echelons of society.  I followed her wise advice.  I'm glad and relieved that I listened to my mother because her foresight was right on the mark and correct as usual.  She steered me in the right direction. 

Once economics are established, also scrutinize personality and character because it's tantamount.  Be wise in order to have a great life.

[catfeeder]

On 11/6/2022 at 8:15 AM, MelissaQ said:

know I need to change something.. but I don’t know how. I just really feel that guys never see me as girlfriend material and that feeling sucks..

Aww, big (((HUG))). There is nothing 'wrong' with you beyond your willingness to accept scraps instead of holding out for a guy who is relationship material.

This is not a moral finger-wag, it's practical. 'Casual' is messy kid stuff. Have you noticed?

State up front that you are dating to find a long term relationship, and ask whether each potential date views himself the same way. If he doesn't know, or only wants casual, tell him it was great to meet him, and he's welcome to let you know if he ever decides that he's relationship material.

That's just the first step in screening. Unfortunately, it's common knowledge that the quickest way to get short term sex from a woman is to pretend to want a long term relationship, so next step is to date without sex for long enough to get to KNOW a guy and learn whether he walks his talk.

If not, he won't stick around for to get to know you, he'll screen himself out. Good. That's not a reflection on you, it just means he's too into himself to bother getting to know you. Allow bad matches to pass early instead of wasting your time.

Stop bonding through sex. It won't convert a sexual user into a committent-minded guy. Biologically, it's women who flood with love hormones (oxytocin) during sex. Men tend to temper that hormone with testosterone, so sex won't be the same driver toward intimate bonding that it tends to be in women.

Become more protective of your body and your heart. Observe actions to see whether those align with 'talk' over t.i.m.e.

Head high, and write more if it helps.

 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, catfeeder said:

State up front that you are dating to find a long term relationship, and ask whether each potential date views himself the same way. If he doesn't know, or only wants casual, tell him it was great to meet him, and he's welcome to let you know if he ever decides that he's relationship material.

That's just the first step in screening. Unfortunately, it's common knowledge that the quickest way to get short term sex from a woman is to pretend to want a long term relationship, so next step is to date without sex for long enough to get to KNOW a guy and learn whether he walks his talk.

If not, he won't stick around for to get to know you, he'll screen himself out. Good. That's not a reflection on you, it just means he's too into himself to bother getting to know you. Allow bad matches to pass early instead of wasting your time.

Great input. Want to add keep in mind always there are no guarantees.  That way you stay realistic.  It's not a formula -that's for stuff more like college and grad school and interviewing -meaning - "if I put in X amount of work and show up on time and get a good night's sleep and eat properly the night before an exam I am likely to get a good grade" or "If I go on line to the job sites and network and make sure my resume is perfect eventually I will find a decent job."  But there's that elusive click/chemistry/timing thing with relationships and not everyone meets their match especially if the goal is forever.  So if you are not it's not a reflection on you if you know you're doing your best (which is one reason I quoted the advice above). 

I knew women who saw it like grad school/jobs because for them it was easier -they met their match early on - in their early 20s or earlier, they didn't date a lot (this was my mom -she and my dad met at a sweet 16 party -and my high school best friend who met her husband at the retail store they worked at in high school) - and to them it was formulaic and "of course I met someone" stuff.  I mean life isn't fair -I had an easier time getting professional success than certain of my friends, and they had an easier time finding their matches, etc. 

I have always known fabulous women in their 30s-50s who wanted to be married and never met the right person and for sure they did everything and were the right person.  One had a very short lived marriage and now is a single mom by choice, one gave up trying in her mid 30s and had 4 children on her own with the same anonymous sperm donor (no I would never ever have done that), and another yes wasted 4-5 years of her 30s pining away after a guy who never saw her in that light and she never dated -she's now in her mid 50s, let herself go physically and is single (although perhaps she is happy -haven't spoken to her in several years).  

So yes don't settle for less and yes accept that if you become the right person to meet the right person you greatly increase your chances -and you'll also feel better about yourself -and there are no guarantees and that's just life.  

[jul-els]

This happens when you don’t know your own worth. It causes you to settle for scraps. You need to become accepting of the idea that you are worthy of a loving and happy relationship. Don’t ever settle for less than you deserve. When you do, you get less than what you settled for. Every time. Trust me, I know, voice of experience here, lol. It’s a bad way to go. 

[1a1a]

I experienced similar and ended up taking sex off of the table. I’m sex positive but I couldn’t bear another once and never see them again. Still after this plenty of guys weren’t interested enough to date me seriously but it helped me stay clear headed and let them go. 

[Batya33]

1 hour ago, 1a1a said:

I experienced similar and ended up taking sex off of the table. I’m sex positive but I couldn’t bear another once and never see them again. Still after this plenty of guys weren’t interested enough to date me seriously but it helped me stay clear headed and let them go. 

I don't think the decision has to do with the person's sexual desire or sex drive - I'm chocolate-positive but I choose not to eat chocolate at certain times although I always desire it basically.  Certainly if a person is asexual it's not an issue but we all have to balance desires and urges against the risks, downsides, standards, values etc.  Most men did not stop dating me when I explained my values and standards.

[Spawn]

well sometimes we just have to go through the bad apples to reach the best one 🙂, over a period of time when things don't change, the brain or heart or may be both start finding fault in ourselves to make us believe this is the reason for rejections. It's a bummer to go through all this but do keep trying, take a break from dating to refresh on something else personal to you, while you are back into dating just don't have sex until you are ready for exclusivity. Even then its not a guarantee that things will work out, relationships just fall apart for n number of reasons, so why beat yourself over it...let it go!

[Mammalyssa]

I dont know if it'll make you feel any better... but it also happens in the opposite way to what's happened to you. 

I've fallen in love twice when I wanted to keep it casual. 

Both of these men aligned themselves with my values so that I admired them and let my guard down... and then turned out to be the complete opposite. Even abusive. 

If he chose someone over you.. think of it as the trash taking itself out. He didn't care for you in the same way you did him. He's not worth your time and energy. Thank goodness it didn't turn into a relationship that would break you after a few years instead.  I find life has a way of delivering things to you to teach you something. If you don't learn that lesson life will keep presenting the same lesson to you. 

I'm hoping I've learned enough lessons too... its hard. You deserve better. X