Stuck in the “roommate phase” or am I overreacting?

[starlight02]

My boyfriend and I have been together for over 4 years and moved in together this year. Every night he is playing video games with his friends and never spends any time with me. I don’t have a problem with this when it is for a few hours but eventually I start to ask him how long he is going to play for tonight or if he will play a game with me later and he just says he doesn’t know and continues playing. We have had multiple arguments about this and his response is always either “well we spent some time together earlier, i took you grocery shopping” or he is overly affectionate once he is done with games (which isn’t until the end of the night when we need to sleep) and says sorry but this is growing to be meaningless because he never changes his actions and we repeat the same thing the next day. It’s been like this for a few months now and it’s just getting worse. We haven’t been on a date in over 6 months and he always says that it’s because we don’t have a lot of money and we shouldn’t be spending it going out but we don’t even do things that are free anymore and it just feels like he has given up trying to make any effort in the relationship and I don’t know what to do anymore. I have thought about just moving on but it’s complicated with long distance relationships and us signing a lease together and I don’t know if I am just overreacting or if maybe there is a way to work this out? Just looking for some advice on where to go from here and if my feelings are legitimate…

[MissCanuck]

You're not over-reacting. 

He is losing interest in the relationship. There are plenty of ways of spending time together that cost nothing, but he doesn't seem interested in that. 

I would let him know that if it continues, you will have no choice but to end it. You can't go on being neglected. 

[DarkCh0c0]

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Since you moved in a year ago, the relationship is getting to the comfortable stage and you're seeing the real him up close. He obviously takes you for granted and doesn't put in efforts to be there for you and make you feel special. He is getting all the gf benefits(rent and bills paid, sex, cooking, cleaning, attention, ect.) without having to lift a finger for it in exchange. It's a good deal for him, so why would he change? And as you've seen over and over, he's happy with this one-sided agreement. 

You deserve way better. You deserve a man who puts in efforts without being asked to. You deserve a man who makes you feel special and puts in time for you. You are worthy of more.

Contact the apartment owner or consult a lawyer regarding the lease. It's a common thing to break the lease, and that should be the least of your worries when deciding to end it with him.

I suggest you don't waste more time on him as staying longer will keep you away from finding a better match with whom you'll be more happy and loved.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, starlight02 said:

.Every night he is playing video games with his friends and never spends any time with me. I don’t have a problem with this 

Sorry this is happening. You do and should have a problem with this. 

Unfortunately you're seeing the real him and unfortunately immediately got cast in the mother/housekeeper role upon moving in.

It's complicated with leases and distance but do what you can to get out of this.

It's not worth the damages it will do to your heart and soul to be with a video game addict. The arguments, nagging, frustration and resentment are going to increase exponentially. And you won't like who you're becoming.

[Kwothe28]

I dont think he doesnt love you in his own way. Its just that he takes you for granted and enjoys having somebody there to be his "mommy". You pay your part of rent, probably cook and clean for him, while he can play games with his buddies all day. For him its a perfect arrangement. Its frustrating to you because you are not happy with that arrangement.

And I am sorry to say, that wont change that easily or at all. Once "relationship dynamic" like that take place, its hard to change it. He got used to you doing those stuff without him having to lift a finger. So why would he change when he knows you would still do it anyway?

So yes, you should move away in time. This just doesnt work for you.

[kctiger]

Yikes this sounds a bit like what happened when my ex and I moved in together. I became over complacent and stopped putting effort into the relationship. I think we both took each other for granted and it felt more like we were roommates than soul mates. When two people who are used to being alone move in together, it's easy for each of them to carry forward in their solitary ways, letting the relationship itself crumble. I'm very sorry you feel this way, but here's my advice. 

I know you've talked to him before as there are numerous arguments. My suggestion is to have a firm conversation with him, prior to his video game session. This is the "come to Jesus" meeting. Tell him what you need in this relationship. Regardless of money, the relationship needs effort and commitment by both parties to flourish. If he can't meet your needs then you'll want to figure out a way out of this lease as you're seeing his true self right now. If he isn't willing to put the video games down a bit and dedicate time to you, then this isn't going to work. 

Both parties HAVE to commit themselves to a relationship. It is not something that flourishes naturally after the honeymoon phase. This means both parties make some sacrifices, lowering their own priorities a bit, for the sake of the relationship. Not everyone understands that and you're experiencing the results. If this guy can continue on with his life while you are there waiting for him, then nothing will change. You deserve better and he deserves a wake up call of a conversation. Over time, as this continues, resentment builds and the parties wind up making each other miserable until they can't stand to be together. I suggest you confront this before it gets to that point. 

[smackie9]

This is why we date before marriage. It's to discover our differences, if we are compatible, how they treat us, and if our expectations/needs are being met.  He's put very little effort into this which means he's not very invested. He tells you things to pacify not to correct. Who cares about the lease, ditch him.

[Batya33]

What was his purpose in moving in together and what was yours?

[JohnLee]

It will only gets worse, especially with marriage. Quit now and save yourself time and heartache. 

[moodindigo91]

This sucks. I've had boyfriends stay up late and play video games with friends. They didn't do it every single night. Toward the end of my last relationship, my ex would stay up late on his computer, either playing games, or just bumbling around the internet doing crypto stuff. He would come to bed extremely late, and he stopped cuddling me upon coming to bed like he used to for months before we broke up. I think it's a sign that he's either complacent or is losing feelings for you. 

Either way, you've attempted many times to compromise with him on the situation so you get what you want from the relationship, and he's shown to be unwilling to compromise. 

Are both of your names actually on the lease? Are there any early termination clauses? Could you afford to live on your own or would you need a roommate? You should begin exploring your options for leaving. 

[tattoobunnie]

My ex discovered World of Warcraft after we've been dating a year.  We move in, and he's WOWing every night, sometimes skipping work...6 months later, I moved out.  Definitely made sure I never dated a gamer ever again.  Happily married with kids to a non-gamer

[Cherylyn]

After 4 years of being with your boyfriend,  it's time to dissolve and exit the relationship.  He won't change for you unless you consider grocery shopping together as your hot date on the town. 🙄 Wow, what a joke of a guy!  Get out.  He's a loser.

[Andrina]

If you ask for a reasonable request, a person who cares will want to please you. He doesn't care that you're not happy.

I know that when I rented another house I used to own, the couple leasing decided to divorce. I said I'd release them from the lease as soon as I found a new renter, which was rather fast. Ask your bf if he wants to find a new roommate or if he'd rather you two ask the landlord if you two can be released from the lease when the landlord finds a new renter. There are always long waiting lists for apartments, so I'd find it strange if this can't be arranged. Good luck.

[catfeeder]

15 hours ago, Andrina said:

 He doesn't care that you're not happy.

This says it all. ^^^^
We never get any wasted time back in our lives to relive over again.

If these are your fertility years, don’t waste them with this guy.