Me and my Gf just bought a house and her friend is moving in but Im having doubts

[JDMxTeGrA101]

Hi guys so my gf of one year and I purchased a house together. We love the house and all and its a 3 bedroom home with us having 2 extra rooms. My Gf's friend wanted to move to our state so she decided it would be best for her friend and her 12 year old daughter to live with us for now. She's giving them the 2 vacant rooms and charging her 43% of our mortgage.

They will be moving here soon and of course my gf asked me if I was ok with it a few months ago before we closed on the house. I did agree but Im having my doubts now. I''ve met them before and her 12 year old daughter is a really spoiled brat. She always nags when she doesn't get stuff her way, throws a fit and tantrum when she's hungry, leaves her dishes unwashed in the sink, etc. She also likes to have friends over which won't be ok here since we would like our space. She already told her mom she wants a king bed when they move here and the room isn't big enough for that. 

The mom seems okay but the 12 year old daughter is my main concern as Ive seen how she acts around people. She was very aggressive with her aunt and would hit her hard even though they were just playing. I have a little dog here also that Im afraid she will be rough with and end up hurting this little one.

Ive told my gf all these issues we might have and told me if I should've told her something before she told them they can stay with us. I feel selfish but I feel like them moving in will be an issue with us since I dont like when people touch my stuff without asking. Also another thing is our personal space. They will be downstairs with their own living room, 2 rooms, and restroom but the kitchen is upstairs where we have our living room and our master bedroom. I would prefer them to only come up when they are going to eat and not use this area as their living space as they already have the downstairs. And also dont really want their stuff mixed with our stuff like the food in the fridge, clothes etc..

What would you guys suggest? I guess we will give them a shot and see how this goes

[MissCanuck]

There is no way I would have agreed to this. 

1 hour ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

They will be downstairs with their own living room, 2 rooms, and restroom but the kitchen is upstairs where we have our living room and our master bedroom. I would prefer them to only come up when they are going to eat and not use this area as their living space as they already have the downstairs. And also dont really want their stuff mixed with our stuff like the food in the fridge, clothes etc..

And I hope you realize the above will likely not happen. This is your girlfriend's friend. She is unlikely to stay downstairs when your girlfriend is around. They will chat and hang out. It is also very unlikely that none of your stuff will get mixed together. 

Look, for someone who likes his personal space this much (and I do too, so I get it), it makes no sense why you went along with this idea in the first place. But since you did, it's going to be hard to back out now. However, you need a proper lease drawn up with clear terms about when they will vacate. Do not let them move in without any formal agreement in place. You are asking for trouble if you do. 

[DarkCh0c0]

2 hours ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

my gf of one year and I purchased a house together.

The is wayyy too soon to buy property together. You barely knows your gf! Just because you could do it, didn't mean you had to do it. Some things like incompatibilities take time to show via different scenarios, and now you're seeing how.

2 hours ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

She's giving them the 2 vacant rooms and charging her 43% of our mortgage.

Your house is not an Airbnb. Since the friend can afford to pay the rooms, then she can rent a small apartment somewhere else. Why would she need to stay with you in the first place? Is there an agreed end date to this? 

I personally would not be able to accept this and if my partner doesn't value my opinion and needs enough regarding our own home, then these are deeper issues then I'd like to admit and I'd need to rethink this relationship.

Who pushed to buy the house so quickly? Gosh, this all sounds frustrating.

[Kwothe28]

3 hours ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

Ive told my gf all these issues we might have and told me if I should've told her something before she told them they can stay with us.

I hate to say this to you, but she is right.

You already told her its OK. Now you would have to endure it. You are charging them rent so there is at least that. No tennant, or even roomate is easy. It requires a period of adaptation. Your stuff will get mixed up, you will have complains about them and they will have their complains about you. Give it a few months, if its really unbearable talk to your girlfriend and tell them to seek the new place to live.

[poorlittlefish]

Moving in with your girlfriend is likely to have challenges all of its own as that's when you really get to see who they are - grotty habits and all.  Adding someone's friend and her badly-behaved kid to that equation is a recipe for disaster.  I'd be amazed if there weren't increasing arguments between you and the friend and then you and your girlfriend.  It would be better to have an argument with your girlfriend now, whereby you say you do not wish to share your new home with third parties, than let the friend/kid move in, endure stress and a possible break-up many arguments later.

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

  I guess we will give them a shot and see how this goes

That's actually not fair. Just say no. You can't simply let a mother and  child move in only to throw them out, at will if/when you decide you're fed up.

Why did you two buy a house together after one year of dating that you can't afford? 

You're going to destroy a lot of lives with this plan. It's not about "this child is a brat", it's about expecting others to help you pay down your mortgage when in fact you don't really want them there. It's a disastrous plan.

Be kind. Be smart. Tell this woman and her child to make other more appropriate, more permanent and more stable arrangements.

If you can't afford the house, you and your GF will manage by getting second jobs, not by taking money from people you already know aren't welcome.

[Batya33]

Here is what I would do.  I would throw money at the problem.  My strong bias is in favor of personal space -I am a person who gets thrown off when my husband hums to the Wheel of Fortune music and I'm trying to compose an email a couple of feet away after a looooonng day.  

My suggestion -give her one chance to say no to the friend -that it's simply not going to work for whatever reason -she needs to do this not you.  If she says no be really sweet and say "I know I agreed -this is on me.  I know I cannot live in that arrangement and I should have given it more thought.  I am going to rent a place/a room nearby and if your friend moves out I'll move in.  I will pay my share of the mortgage of course. I will come visit and we'll see each other often but I know it will be too stressful for me to share living space with your friend and her daughter and it will cause us too much tension in our relationship which I treasure.

I also would have a strict agreement about what happens if the friend /her daughter destroys/harms anything in the home, etc.  

Yes it's expensive.  It's worth it if you want this relationship.  You made a mistake, so pay for it by getting your own space and peace.

[smackie9]

I would look into getting a small kitchen put into their area and block off access to your part of the house. The extra income will cover the cost. If you can’t, at least provide a bar fridge and a microwave so the kid doesn’t have to come upstairs all the time. 

The best thing to do is all sit down as adults and discuss house rules. Let them know they can only use the kitchen as they have have their own space. The mother will be responsible for keeping the kitchen clean after their use. 

 I recommend getting surveillance cameras for your area of the house. They are cheap on Amazon. You can log onto them from your phone and check your place when you are not there. You can also add a subscription and have them record activity. I have them for my cat and they are amazing. 

[Tinydance]

Well it's understandable that mortgage is expensive. Here in Australia people do often actually do this where they buy mortgaged house and then they rent a room (s) out to other people to help cover the mortgage. So that idea in and of itself isn't necessarily bad.

Where I think the particular idea to have your girlfriend's friend and her daughter rent is bad:

It's not the best idea to be housemates with friends. If things don't go well living together, the friendship might become strained/end. I've actually seen this happen to people before and they lost their friend because they couldn't live together.

I don't think it's a good idea to rent to someone with a child, especially if you have no children yourself. Even if the 12-year-old wasn't a brat, she's a kid/tween. Whereas you are adults. It doesn't seem appropriate to me to be housemates with a child. Personally I'd feel like I need to censor myself in terms of what I say and do. For example, not drink alcohol or talk about certain topics because the child is present. I wouldn't want to have to censor myself in my own home.

If the friend and her daughter are renting from you, I don't think you can actually say that they can't use the kitchen at certain times and things like that. Or can't put a king size bed in the room. If they're paying rent and bills then they are tenants and should be allowed equal access to the house the same as you.

I think the best option for you would be to rent to people that you don't really know or aren't close with. So that if it doesn't go well, you can just ask them to leave and it won't be a big loss to you or your girlfriend.

You probably shouldn't have said they can live with you because now they're relying on staying with you. I think it's not too late to say no though. If they move in and you need to kick them out, it would be worse.

[HeartGoesOn]

As they say, two families can't live uner one roof. I'd address this issue sooner rather than later. Having said that and not to sound harsh, but you'll never get rid of them.

Not that it matters here, but does shen even have a job?

[Cherylyn]

Speak up now.  Tell your girlfriend the truth again.  Tell her that you've since reconsidered.  Apologize profusely.  Give her all the reasons especially protecting your dog, intolerance living together with the friend, her spoiled brat daughter, chaotic living arrangement and lack of privacy.  It's better to speak up now before your girlfriend's friend uproots and moves to your locale. 

[Lambert]

If you go forward with this plan, feeling the way you do, it will destroy your relationship. 

So you have to either object now or just know you'll be the one moving out in the future. 

I know that sounds dramatic and harsh but you're moving in with your gf, her friend and a little girl you think is a brat. 

I can not even imagine agreeing to such an situation.  As someone else said, moving in with your girlfriend of a year is moving super fast and going all in, on one of the biggest purchases of your life, in a sellers market....  this is as big as it gets. Are you planning to marry this woman? How long is the mortgage? Have you lived together before?

Sorry to be so blunt but this has the potential to be an expensive, emotionally charged disaster 

[moodindigo91]

14 hours ago, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

What would you guys suggest?

I would suggest not purchasing real estate with someone you're not married to. 

Since it's too late for that, I think that it is unlikely that you will get your girlfriend to take back the offer to her friend and her daughter at this late stage. And, it would be kind of sh*tty to do so, in my opinion, if they truly need a place to live. How close is your girlfriend to this friend? 

I would definitely recommend that you have a written lease agreement in place, including a set term (if possible), so that they have a timeframe within which they know they must move out by, or else take some formal action to renew the lease. With friends, it can be a little uncomfortable asking them to be so formal, but I would really recommend it especially if you are worried about any kind of property damage, including damage or injury to your dog. Your lease agreement should spell out some rules about shared spaces, as well as payment of rent, etc. You'll also need to think about various things like managing everyone's schedules, quiet times, who gets what space (closets, in the fridge/cupboards, etc.), each person's responsibility for the utilities and how that money will be collected, etc. I would iron all of this out before they move in. 

Prepare yourself as much as possible for living with a 12 year old. I also recommend getting a safe for your valuables or outside locks for your personal bedroom/bathroom doors to restrict access to those areas and keep them personal. 

[boltnrun]

I've had to evict renters. Twice. It's not pleasant.

Do you believe your relationship will end if you do not follow through? And how much pull do you really have? Is the mortgage/title equally 50/50 between you and your girlfriend? If so, neither one can override the other.

[catfeeder]

I’d negotiate terms, first with GF on the length of the lease and limit house use to the downstairs plus food prep only in the kitchen, and I’d install a small fridge downstairs. GF can visit friend downstairs and avoid inviting them upstairs.

Once terms are agreed with GF I’d draw up a clear lease agreement and review it with tenants downstairs.

If you force GF to go back on the offer you initially agreed to, that will harm your relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

On 10/25/2022 at 11:29 PM, JDMxTeGrA101 said:

her 12 year old daughter is a really spoiled brat.

She's a pre-teen.  She's every pre-teen girl.  She was me.  Guarantee within a year or so, she will chill.  HORMONES!  Trust me. Be kind, or God will bless you with 5 girls of your own one day, and you will eat your words as you spoil them to death while sitting on your porch with a sh0tg*n to scare off suitors.

The kid's brattiness is also anxiety and overcompensation of feeling overwhelmed.  New home that isn't hers.  Not sure how her brattiness affects you.  You aren't expected to pay for anything for the kid. And they are paying rent.  And what is wrong with having a friend over in her room or the backyard.

[Andrina]

Perhaps compromise and do a 6 month lease only, giving them time to check out the area to see where they want to live. You will relax a little, knowing it's not permanent. Explain to your gf that that will save the friendship if things end in disaster, so that you won't be kicking them out when there is no end date on a lease.

Also discuss with her that you've heard of many friendships that end because friends don't always equal happy roommates. I know my stepdaughter became enemies with two former roommates over stealing and the guy's friends eating her food and drinking her drinks. My daughter's situation renting from a friend also ended badly. Two people really have to match in so many ways for it to work. Cleanliness, who can visit, noise levels, co-mingling. 

Perhaps if you get her to see those things, she will agree to a short term lease.

[Tinydance]

3 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

She's a pre-teen.  She's every pre-teen girl.  She was me.  Guarantee within a year or so, she will chill.  HORMONES!  Trust me. Be kind, or God will bless you with 5 girls of your own one day, and you will eat your words as you spoil them to death while sitting on your porch with a sh0tg*n to scare off suitors.

The kid's brattiness is also anxiety and overcompensation of feeling overwhelmed.  New home that isn't hers.  Not sure how her brattiness affects you.  You aren't expected to pay for anything for the kid. And they are paying rent.  And what is wrong with having a friend over in her room or the backyard.

Some kids are worse than others though. I agree that being 12 is a difficult age because it's right before becoming a teenager. Also I'm not sure that she would even enjoy living with people so much older who she doesn't even really know. Maybe she would like to live just with her own mother. 

I think it does affect OP how the daughter acts. He doesn't have any children himself so why would he want to listen to a child throwing tantrums. He also mentioned she wants to have friends over. Kids can be loud when they get together, play the TV loud, things like that. If he had a child as well who does those things then maybe he'd have more tolerance towards it.