Is it over or is it a game?

[JonClark]

Hi guys,

Long story short. Dated girl for about one week before I traveled back home. It's been about 5 weeks. We've been in constant contact since. Practically every day. She initiated the first two dates, and generally most of our interaction. I'm not lying when I say that the first few weeks it was about 60%-40% of her initiating and texting. 

Then she went kinda silent. She kept texting me "I'll get back to you" over a few days, so I figured her interest was real low. Then I showed a bit more interest just to make it clear that I'm also liking what we have and she was back. That same night she was out with her girlfriend and called me at night while drunk.

Then some two weeks later she went cold again. I had by then noticed that when she shows too much interest (calls me when drunk, texts a lot and generally sends lots of pictures) that she goes distant. So like I did the last time I texted her something cute wishing her a good day and that I think she's a great person. She was back again. 

Then she was at a party and it looked like she was sending me a bunch of pics on Snapchat of different guys she was hanging out with, especially one of her guy friends and it looked like she was trying to make me jealous. I didn't react, just texted the party looked fun. 

Then she went cold again. But then a day or so later I had lots of stuff going on and didn't reply to one of her texts and... she bombarded me with "hey, why haven't you been online so long?", "are you okay?" "just checking in on you". I responded and... she was back. That was a few days ago. 

And here's the most important part. Saturday night she sent me two pics of her at her place with sushi and drinks but... there were two glasses. But she made sure that I didn't see who was on either of those photos. I figured it was her girlfriend but that she again was trying to make me jealous therefore not showing who it was.

The day after I distanced myself a bit because I was a bit confused so she texted me asking what was up. We texted a bit and then she told me something along the lines of "I've got so much to tell you when we talk over the phone" to which I replied "okay, so when do you have time for a chat?" and... she responded me almost 24 hours later with that typical response I've heard when girls flake or downright reject a guy:

"You know what, I've got so much going on right now and I'm busy so I'll let you know". I of course replied calmly and told her to get back to me when she has the time.

And that's the reason why I'm writing this asking you guys for help. What does this mean? Is she playing hard to get or has she lost interest? 😞

PS. Stop with the "long distance why bother" messages. I like her a lot and I'm going back for Christmas which she knows about so with all due respect spare me the talk.  

[1a1a]

Speaking as a person who’s held onto a lot of people who blow hot and cold, in my experience they Never warm up. 

[Coily]

While yeah the "distance" could factor into this behavior; I think this is really more about her level of interest in keeping you as an option.

I would be bothered by the fact that most of her interactions are in the pattern of: she gets drunk, sends lots of pics for a reaction, then goes silent. Is that a pattern you can live with?

Personally, I would not like being strung along like this. I'm assuming you both are on the younger side, so there is a higher tolerance for her being a bit flaky.

As to what does this mean? I think that while she likes you, you are just an option in her mind and not the focus of her attention. If waiting in the wings waiting for her to decide is your thing, that's fine; But is she that great to put up with not being #1?

[Cherylyn]

See her in person at Christmas.  You will determine whether or not your relationship with her will flourish or flounder.  Since you're holding out hope,  wait and see in December. 

[Batya33]

Coily's advice is spot on.  I'd move on.

[Kwothe28]

Same girl?

 

I dunno what you expect there. Harboring a fantasy about some girl who has 5 guys a night coming down to her as a waitress. That gets drunk and then sends you pics with other guys. Yes, its not a viable solution to date. Most you can expect is, what? You staying in contact and maybe hooking up when you go there for Christmass in 2 months? That is not somebody who you date, that is somebody who you hookup when you go there and that is it. You messaging her every day is even worst for you. As you are building a fantasy about somebody who will discard you as soon as the next smuck shows up at her door. Worst of all, looks like she already did and she is just looking for attention. That is not a dating option, sorry.

[MissCanuck]

Look, OP, you have to be realistic here. 

You don't know this girl well, and she's clearly not that interested anymore. She likes having you in her fan club but she's not otherwise that into this. She's an attention-seeker, if you haven't already figured that out. 

Waiting until Christmas is pointless when you two don't have an established foundation and can't see each other more regularly. So don't hang your hopes on that. It's not going to work the way you want. I would stop all communication and find someone local and more mature who's interested in you as a person, and not just for validation when she's drunk or bored. This is not going to become a relationship. 

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, JonClark said:

. Dated girl for about one week before I traveled back home. Stop with the "long distance why bother" messages

You dated "a week"?  Is this an away at college situation.? 

Actually it doesn't matter how close or far she is, she doesn't seem interested. 

Although you seem like a big fan of long distance, she clearly isn't interested in cyberpals or text-tethering.

Why would she bother with that when she can have fun in real life in person?

[smackie9]

This isn't a long distance thing, this is someone treating you like crap...how can you "like" someone that does that? You need to move on and be thirsty somewhere else. 

[SooSad33]

From Aug 15th:

 hasn’t responded since. It’s been a couple of days, she’s been online but has completely failed to respond.

 

And now:

19 hours ago, JonClark said:

she was out with her girlfriend and called me at night while drunk.

Then some two weeks later she went cold again. I had by then noticed that when she shows too much interest (calls me when drunk, texts a lot and generally sends lots of pictures) that she goes distant. So like I did the last time I texted her something cute wishing her a good day and that I think she's a great person. She was back again. 

Then she was at a party and it looked like she was sending me a bunch of pics on Snapchat of different guys she was hanging out with, especially one of her guy friends and it looked like she was trying to make me jealous. I didn't react, just texted the party looked fun. 

This is all odd behaviour imo.

She is not your gf and you did not truly 'date' her.  You hung out a few times before you left to go back home.

Seems to me like she has a track record of drinking & works at a bar.. oh yay 😕 .

I can't see this an anything worthwhile.. maybe just a cool 'catch up', when you go back.

As for her hanging with other guys - so what, you two are not even involved.  You're thousands of miles away!  And, back then you mentioned a bf....

I suggest you don't expect much when you return.  ( the headgames, IF she is trying to make you jealous & her drinking/calling when drunk etc... not impressive).  

Nah, tis not for you  😉 

 

[Andrina]

A young, pretty woman who has an active social life and you think she's going to forsake all other dating opportunities to see someone she'll see maybe 2 to 4 times a year?

Whether the extra glass was used by a girlfriend or a guy she's romantically involved with is irrelevant because you two aren't exclusive after only being together during a one week period.

And you'll never know her intent if she was playing games or not of making you jealous because you don't know her at all.

Perhaps you should just take note that whatever you have going on with her is causing more stress and unhappiness than anything positive.

Your expectations are way too high for this sort of high risk situation.

19 hours ago, JonClark said:

I've got so much to tell you when we talk over the phone" to which I replied "okay, so when do you have time for a chat?" and... she responded me almost 24 hours later with that typical response I've heard when girls flake or downright reject a guy:

"You know what, I've got so much going on right now and I'm busy so I'll let you know". I of course replied calmly and told her to get back to me when she has the time.

What I highlighted speaks of your low self worth. You're a doormat. Anybody with healthy self-love would have said, "Thanks, but no thanks. Best of luck for a happy life. Buh-bye."

[catfeeder]

Sounds like she gets bored with the pen-pal thing and is out living her life.

Are you doing the same?

[Wiseman2]

It never started . It was a vacation fling. She is not going to put her life on hold for if and when you happen to vacation there again.