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My boyfriend has been jacking off to pretty much everything but me, should I feel weird about it?


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So for some back story, I 19F and my boyfriend 20M have been in an exclusive relationship for over a year. At the beginning of our relationship, he told me that he didn't agree with watching porn in a relationship but that he wouldn't stop me if I wanted to. I told him that I am not much of a visual person, but that I may use it sometimes and I don't care if he does but he said that he wouldn't. I also provided LOTS of material of myself that he could have been using. 

He jacked off to porn, his friends on instagram, an onlyfans photo he paid for, and a few creepshots he took during our relationship. I used porn a few times and occasionally thought about other people during sex and masterbation.

We both came clean about everything and agreed that both caused and experienced pain as a result of all of this. He said that, that is not the kind of relationship he wants and that he wants to work on this with me, he says he never saw porn in an emotional way and never wanted to sleep with or be with any of these other people, and that these are just things he's done his whole life and he didn't stop, but he wants to now. I feel pretty much the same.

I still feel a little bit off about everything and was just looking for a little bit of reassurance, my biggest problem is that he lied to me for so long and disrespected me as well as the unconsenting women he photographed (he said there have only been 4 women since we have been together) and I do believe that he has come completely clean. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Should we keep working on this in your opinion?

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I think in general, there is probably more creepy things he did.  The things he told you are the only ones he admitted to.

Taking a lude pic without someone's permission is not something a normal person does.

It's also not normal to use porn but pretend that you don't. 

I think he probably has some wierd sexual fetish or deep rooted sexual desires and hang ups... which aren't necessarily bad, unless it turns you off. 

Be strong. Don't settle for weird and creepy. you can find better if that's not your thing. 

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He's a 20 year old, and most 20 year olds are horn dogs. Truth, guys are visual creatures, like variety, and they jack off to images...as I have been told, boobs and butts. There is no emotional attachment/love or anything like that..just body parts and fantasies. It's all hormone driven.

If you don't like this about him, find another BF. That's how it works.

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Its true that the guys are more visual creatures and women are more sexually aroused by concrete experience and touch. But damn girl. He admitted to jack off on his friends pics? Pays for OnlyFans like some simp? Gets creepy and takes a shots of unconsenting women? That guy is one step from getting beaten or even jail and should treat his sexual addiction before its too late. OK he is young but damn, his sexual libido is way out of control. He needs to get that in control before its too late. And you dont need to be a part of that mess because he likely wont do it.

How are you even Ok with half of stuff he does? 

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2 hours ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

. I also provided LOTS of material of myself that he could have been using.  a few creepshots he took during our relationship.

Stop doing this immediately.  Your images can go viral in a nanosecond or sold, etc. Stop it. As far as policing each others masturbation? Why are you doing that? Who cares? 

Focus on building intimacy and sexuality with each other rathe than what you do on your own time. But not with him. 

He is perverted (and it's a crime) for him to be taking 'upskirt' type shots of unsuspecting strangers. You need to raise your standards and stop talking to this weirdo.

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16 hours ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

...he says he never saw porn in an emotional way and never wanted to sleep with or be with any of these other people, and that these are just things he's done his whole life and he didn't stop, but he wants to now. I feel pretty much the same.

Saying he wants to stop something he's been doing his whole life (a slight exaggeration, one would hope, as he's only 20) and actually stopping are likely to be two different things.  Stopping something you've been used to doing for a very long time - and something you do when nobody is looking - is going to be extremely difficult and unlikely to happen.  If you are not comfortable with the idea of him continuing behind your back (or with his criminal conduct towards unsuspecting women), then run.

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17 hours ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

. I also provided LOTS of material of myself that he could have been using. 

 

He is probably selling your images on porn hub. He's a creep. Delete and block him. This he has nothing to do with masturbating. 

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20 hours ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

my biggest problem is that he lied to me for so long and disrespected me as well as the unconsenting women he photographed (he said there have only been 4 women since we have been together)

Only 4? Please disentangle yourself from him and do not at all trivialize how he's violated these women and his criminal conduct and tendencies.  He is not a safe person for you to associate with.  Emotionally or with any career or professional or educational goals you might have.  

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I think taking photos of unconsenting women he photographed would be a deal breaker for me just by itself. It's NOT OK to take sexy photos or sleeping photos of people without their consent. Also OK he jerked off to porn which is normal but he also jerked off to his actual friends...? I would personally find that weird. 

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5 hours ago, dias said:

Hmm I thought we are like this at all ages.

I wish! One of my exes turned me down a lot. He said "I can't just get a boner and 'bleep' you whenever you want." And it wasn't just me. His next girlfriend complained about the same thing. My ex husband would tell me "I can't PERFORM!" like I was asking him to juggle or do magic tricks. And these were not old men. They were in their early 30s.

But the OP's boyfriend has a much worse problem than porn use. His illegal victimization of unsuspecting women would have me running away AND wondering what pics he has of me that he might be sharing.

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EDIT: Thank you so much to everyone who commented. I feel like I should probably explain the photos a little bit, for one thing it is super creepy in and of itself, I just wanted to provide a little bit of context. My boyfriend had an extremely bad childhood that included sexual abuse, and I did as well which I believe firmly contributes to the hypersexualistic nature. As for the photos, he was around 6 feet from the women that he photographed. He did not get near them or take an extremely specific picture, it was just of them. (This does not make it okay, I am just providing some explanation). I have known this man for 5 years now, and we have been dating for almost two. It should also be noted that we have discussed extensively what he was doing, how it was wrong, and if it is ever going to happen again. 

He apologized profusely and he feels genuinely remorseful and disgusted with himself by what he did, he explained that he had gotten curious about it in around his freshman year of highschool and he didn't think it was that big of a deal because it wasn't affecting the persons day, and he felt that it was disrespectful but not different from just looking at them and thinking about it later, it's just that he prefers visual stimulation, so for him it wasn't anything voyeuristic, just a matter of convenience in which he also deleted anything right after as well (which again doesn't excuse it). Since we have been together, there have been four photos. At any rate, we discussed the notion of getting psychiatric help in case this is a legitimate escalating problem that needs to be professionally addressed, but he has made it clear and honest that he doesn't want to be that person, and he will not be again. I have known him for a while and the fact that he came clean when I would not have found out otherwise (I didn't find anything, he admitted to it when coming clean about masterbating to porn), I feel like that speaks more to his character than some stupid things that he did at one of the lowest points of his life. 

He is genuinely a good person, but rest assured, I will not bystand repeat offending. I believe that he won't continue that kind of behavior and that he deserves a second chance, but I won't let him tell me more than twice to walk away.

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Anyone can come up with excuses why they commit crimes. That doesn't make it not a crime.

Lots of us had difficult childhoods. That doesn't mean we all resort to committing crimes, or that it's OK if we do.

Someone with good character wouldn't commit these crimes in the first place.

Did you see these photos or are you just taking his word for it that they weren't invasive, "upskirt" type photos?

How exactly is he "working on" stopping these crimes?

If you feel good about being involved with someone who's proven he's capable of this sort of activity that's certainly your choice. But don't be surprised if you find out he didn't actually stop, he just got better at hiding it.

Have you concluded you're fine with his porn activity? 

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Thank you for your response, I am 100% not okay with what took place and it is not okay that he did it in the first place. Nothing that I said was in an effort to excuse his behavior. 

We have discussed the next steps going forward being centered around honesty. The fact that he was watching porn wasn't so much the issue for me, it was the fact that he lied to me about it. That being said, we have concluded that going forward we are going to be completely brutally honest with each other. He says that he does not want to watch porn or sexualize anyone other than me in any way, and should that change, we would discuss it. And you are absolutely right, There is no guarantee that he isn't just going to get better at hiding it, but the way I see it. The truth will come out sooner or later and if he decided to lie again after having been through everything we have, I will acknowledge that he has a real problem that he needs to seek professional help for, and that I don't need to associate myself with. Until then, I can understand that I am not perfect and neither is he. I do believe that good people can do bad things, and vice versa. 

Speeding is also a crime, but that doesn't make me a criminal. That is not to say that it is okay, it is to say that this criminal activity was not to an extent that I think is cause for criminal labeling given the context of what happened as well as the action taken afterward (admission of guilt, remorsefulness, and effort to be better). I do believe that people would generally not admit guilt to something they have already gotten away with if they weren't trying to make genuine amends.

It is also noteworthy that under no circumstances whatsoever would I even consider staying if something similar happened again whatsoever. I do believe in second chances, I do not believe in third chances. 

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He has no right to photograph anyone in public in that context -by accident -sure like photo bombing etc - it's creepy.  How would you like it if someone photographed your 11 year old daughter or niece or cousin "from six feet" away so he could use the photo for his sexual gratification? I agree with Bolt that his sad past (and I am sorry you were victimized!!) doesn't excuse him for his behavior.

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7 minutes ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

He says that he does not want to watch porn or sexualize anyone other than me in any way, and should that change, we would discuss it.

Watching porn is common and not the issue. The issue is you need to stop falling for his crocodile tears and most of all discontinue sending images of yourself which will, no doubt, end up on porn hub or similar. It's unclear why You want to be "sexualized" through sending him stuff. Focus on respecting yourself rather than fixing him and his bad habits .

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2 minutes ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

Until then, I can understand that I am not perfect and neither is he. I do believe that good people can do bad things, and vice versa. 

Speeding is also a crime, but that doesn't make me a criminal. That is not to say that it is okay, it is to say that this criminal activity was not to an extent that I think is cause for criminal labeling given the context of what happened as well as the action taken afterward (admission of guilt, remorsefulness, and effort to be better). I do believe that people would generally not admit guilt to something they have already gotten away with if they weren't trying to make genuine amends.

That's all legalese gobbledygook and twisting yourself into a pretzel.  I wouldn't have my opinion if your question was whether you could still be casual acquaintances with or friendly to a person who had engaged in a crime of some sort - the question is does this person's values -forget silly labels or your analysis of "crime"  - comport with your own . Do you want this person to be known as your significant other - are you proud of how he behaves, his choices, his values, his character and integrity.  

He might be remorseful- and promise to stop.  How's your tummy gonna feel each time you're tempted to check his phone or you're not sure if he's been "brutally honest" with you? How long before you feel like his therapist or mommy checking up on him as to whether he's been "brutally honest"? 

Whoever said that either of you need to be perfect? That's just a way for you to evade the real issue -it's not about perfection or some measure of perfection. It's about whether his values are those you respect and admire and whether you trust him.  

It doesn't matter what a police officer or judge would say.  You're talking about being seriously involved in a romantic relationship with a man who does what you shared he does.  Stick to the issue for your own sake meaning -be brutally honest -with yourself.

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2 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

How would you like it if someone photographed your 11 year old daughter or niece or cousin "from six feet" away so he could use the photo for his sexual gratification?

I completely agree with everything that you said except for this ^

For one thing, it is not pedephelia for an adult to be turned on by another adult. It is pedophelia for an adult to be turned on by a child. I appreciate your point, but that situation does not apply to this one. 

His past was not meant to be an excuse for any of his behavior but rather a small part of what could've contributed to an explanation for why he would've felt compelled to do what he did. That being said, it was VERY creepy, but he did not do it BECAUSE it was creepy. If I may ask; why would it have been different if he had just stared at them to memorize what they look like and then thought about it later for sexual gratification?

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Speeding and taking invasive photos without consent are hardly on the same level.

How do you know he took photos from six feet away? Because he said so?

Looking at someone is also not on the same level as taking an invasive photo of them for the purposes of using that photo for masturbation. 

But I can see "keeping" him is your priority. You asked if we would want to "keep working on this" if we discovered our husbands or SOs had done the same thing. I would not even consider remaining in a relationship with someone who does things like he's done. However, you want to stay in the relationship, so all I can advise is to not be surprised if you find out the issue is much worse than you know about.

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Just now, SwatTeamLeader said:

That being said, it was VERY creepy, but he did not do it BECAUSE it was creepy. If I may ask; why would it have been different if he had just stared at them to memorize what they look like and then thought about it later for sexual gratification?

Again you're not being brutally honest with yourself -overcomplicating and playing around with pseudo-legal and psychological analysis is nonsensical -even if you were an attorney or therapist you'd be too biased in this situation.

It doesn't matter because after he did it he retained the photo.  So even if he didn't intend to be creepy he should have realized it was. 

Like yesterday -I sent a FB message to someone who liked a post of mine.  We have a mutual friend.  My message was friendly.  Then I realized it might come across to a stranger as too much.  So I unsent it.  I didn't do it because it was "too much" but realized later it might give that impression and did damage control.  Who cares.  

I think it's fine to fantasize about someone you saw on the street, on TV etc- our thoughts, imagination are fine - far different photographing someone and violating their privacy where the photo can be forwarded etc.  My son when he was 10 had a playdate with a 10 year old boy and his mom -my friend.  She took photos of them and shared the photos with me via text.  Then she posted them on facebook.  I asked her to take them down as we don't post photos of our son on facebook.  She hadn't asked my permission.  She could not understand why this was a problem, implied I was "paranoid" but ultimately took them down. I never thought she posted them "because" she was thoughtless, I thought her behavior after in giving me a hard time was thoughtless and rude.  Who cares though -the point was she posted photos of my child on Facebook without my permission and then gave me a hard time before removing them.

As far as the distraction about whether your boyfriend would photograph teenagers - does he know how old the woman was he photographed and did he care? What if he photographed a woman he thought was 20 but she was 17?

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4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

That's all legalese gobbledygook and twisting yourself into a pretzel.  I wouldn't have my opinion if your question was whether you could still be casual acquaintances with or friendly to a person who had engaged in a crime of some sort - the question is does this person's values -forget silly labels or your analysis of "crime"  - comport with your own . Do you want this person to be known as your significant other - are you proud of how he behaves, his choices, his values, his character and integrity.  

 

I had not thought about it in this way. Thank you for this perspective. I agree with you as well, It is not about the perfection of either but rather the values. In our relationship I had looked at and thought about others as well. Therefore I feel it is a bit hypocritical for me to call him disrespectful, when in a similar way, I was behaving the same. Based on the conversations we have had since all of this came out (on August 25th), I believe that our values and morals do align. We are very similar, and we do think very similarly, so it is rather easy for me to understand his thought process behind what he did. I do NOT agree with it, but I understand it. And what he did was not a premeditated want to be a creep. It was him being a teenager (this happened while he was 19) with no self control. We have discussed it extensively, and I have been clear that I am not interested in being with someone who has the values and impulse control of a teen. And being open and honest with each other is a large part of why I believe we can be okay going forward.

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24 minutes ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

Speeding is also a crime, but that doesn't make me a criminal.

Yes but it makes you the breaker of the law. Which gets you fined according to the same law. For example, speeding little over certain limit would get you fined. Speeding way over limit can be considered "violent driving" and get your license revoked and all other fines that go into that depending on other factors. In the same way, just taking a pictures of unconsenting adults would probably not get you fined. But your boy probably does it on  some girls changing their clothes or naked. If he also shares them online, that is a criminal offense. That would literally get him jailed. So depending what he does, he is a criminal. No ammount of you trying to embelish what he does is going to change that.

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