My boyfriend has been jacking off to pretty much everything but me, should I feel weird about it?

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

I do NOT agree with it, but I understand it. And what he did was not a premeditated want to be a creep. It was him being a teenager (this happened while he was 19) with no self control. We have discussed it extensively, and I have been clear that I am not interested in being with someone who has the values and impulse control of a teen. And being open and honest with each other is a large part of why I believe we can be okay going forward.

Sorry -he doesn't get a pass for having "no self control".  I have a 13 year old who has a teenage impulsive brain and guess what -he was photographed at school by another student and that student was disciplined for it and he knows how to be a decent human and acts like a decent human.

  I can understand lots of awful things people do but it doesn't mean I want to associate with the person on a personal level.  I've had several similar experiences where I cut ties because they did something I understood and knew of their background but our values no longer aligned and I was not going to risk being personally involved and also giving anyone the impression that I condoned the values. 

I've been in situations where the person scammed people financially, lied on job applications and wanted me to help in covering up the lie, started using illegal drugs a lot, etc. It's not about understanding or forgiving when it comes to whether I choose to be personally involved.  I think you're doing the apples and orange thing.  

 

[Batya33]

Don't get all tangled up with "he didn't mean it" - he meant to click his phone and photograph the person.  He meant to keep the photo on his phone.  Etc.  Doesn't matter whether he planned to act like a creep.

[SwatTeamLeader]

58 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

so all I can advise is to not be surprised if you find out the issue is much worse than you know about.

I respect that and am going into this with the knowledge that it may very well be the case. May I ask what you consider an "invasive" photo of someone to be in contrast to just a photo someone may have taken of a stranger? 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

I respect that and am going into this with the knowledge that it may very well be the case. May I ask what you consider an "invasive" photo of someone to be in contrast to just a photo someone may have taken of a stranger? 

I would never take a photo of a stranger without the stranger’s permission. Certainly I’m in tourist photos as I walked by in the major city I used to live in. Not what I’m referring to.  It’s even worse if the person takes a photo while the person is not fully clothed or up skirt like a photo taken in a rest room or a dressing room at a store.  
Obviously since you seem focused on hair splitting someone who is doing a street performance is someone who basically knows she might be photographed.  But random strangers? I’d never do that.  It’s inappropriate at best. 

[boltnrun]

12 minutes ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

I respect that and am going into this with the knowledge that it may very well be the case. May I ask what you consider an "invasive" photo of someone to be in contrast to just a photo someone may have taken of a stranger? 

Taken without their knowledge or consent. Just that individual alone. An "upskirt" photo or one focusing on breasts or buttocks.  Zooming in. 

I mean, what did he do? See a woman or girl he thought was "hot" and take a photo of her? And then open the photo when he wanted to pleasure himself?

As for him being "a teen" and allegedly not knowing any better, you said he was 19. Of course 19 year olds know better!

Anyway, I can see with the hair splitting and the unrelated comparisons it's clear you intend to overlook his behavior because you want to hold onto him badly enough. Nothing anyone says will dissuade you. 

[SwatTeamLeader]

Thank you so much for everyone's responses and points of view, I genuinely appreciate them all. Overall, I think that genuinely, it is SUPER weird that he did that, but overall, I don't think it was really that bad, and moreover, I am not someone who needs visual stimulus, but if I was, I don't know that I wouldn't have done the same thing in his position. 

I hate that he did this, and I hate that I am having to deal with the reminiscents of how bad it was or wasn't. The point is. It was really creepy and really weird. However, He confessed (and he didn't have to), He was genuinely remorseful and disgusted in his own actions. And overall, he has told me that he will not do it again, and that he will be (and has been since then) honest with me, and being completely honest, I am content with that. I think that I am definitely putting myself out vulnerably to being extremely heart broken, but the same could be said about any relationship. I think that he is one of the most genuine people I've ever met, this post has just captured the absolute worst of the worst. Just as well, I don't think there is anyone over 18 who has never done something bad, who has never done something a little weird, or creepy without thinking too hard about it. He has said that he will not be the person his actions previously have displayed him to be. And if I could guarantee to all of you that he is being 100% truthful if that was possible, I think you might feel different. Since that is not possible, I will just say this; I believe him. And I am choosing to trust him again. I may be naive for this, but I'm 19 and I am allowed to be naive. This will go one of two ways, A) He will genuinely be who he says he is, and we will be happy together. or B) I'll find out he is just a liar and a creep, and I will be better off for having learned this lesson. That even the most genuine seeming people are what they're actions say they are. 

Pretty much, if I walk away now, I will always wonder if things could've been different. I think I am more likely to regret leaving too soon, then staying too late. 

[Batya33]

So I would avoid the generalizations about “every relationship “ and “no one is perfect “ and you’re 19.  If you choose to keep seeing him it’s not about needing to learn a lesson. He could do great damage to your future if you’re wrong. If he repeats this behavior you could get roped in by association. 
I dated a few guys who were bad news. Luckily not for long. And yes around your age.  I get it. But luckily I got out before real damage was done. One ended up in jail years later etc.  I remember begging my dear friend’s teenage daughter to stay away from a guy who was bad news. Her mom asked me to try to talk to her.  Nope.  And she said what you did - all the excuses.  He ended up trying to trash her reputation after they finally broke up. What a mess. 
I’d get out now before real damage is done.  This is not about “he promised to declutter” or “he promised not to be late anymore for our dates”.  Because if you’re wrong and he has photos he’s not supposed to have especially in compromising positions and he’s found out you might be swept in to the chaos.  Imagine someone finds out and gets really angry. While you happen to be with him.  You are in school right?
 Can you consider how distracting it will be if you find out he’s back to his creepy stuff while you’re studying for finals ?  How sick you’ll feel and disgusted ?  I mean maybe in your field of study grades aren’t that important. But just consider. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, SwatTeamLeader said:

Pretty much, if I walk away now, I will always wonder if things could've been different. I think I am more likely to regret leaving too soon, then staying too late. 

True. Focus on changes you can make with yourself and your dynamic. Such as discontinuing sexting. Either he will continue his proclivities and hide it better or not.

There's really not much you can do to control his sexuality, porn viewing and other assorted tendencies. Keep in mind, people don't change that much, particularly when it comes to sexual preferences. 

[boltnrun]

Hopefully he doesn't use your phone to take these invasive photos or download them to any of your devices.

A friend of mine was investigated because her boyfriend stole things and gave some of them to her as gifts. It took a long while before the authorities were finally convinced she wasn't involved in the thefts.