My (30M) Girlfriend (26F) got sexually assaulted when she went back to a guy's hotel room after meeting him drunk

[ocoop]

My girlfriend got blackout drunk whilst on holiday with her friend and ended up at an 'afterparty' in hotel rooms where four guys staying, that they'd just met that day a few hours earlier.

My GF and her friend ended up separated as they got there her friend went to one of the guy’s rooms. My girlfriend doesn't remember anything but has ended up in another guy’s room, who she's come round to/woken up to him having sex with her. She had to tell him to stop twice before he did, she claimed he was shocked, he helped her get her stuff together and she left in tears and instantly called me saying she'd just been raped. I ensured she was now safe and with somebody she could trust and informed her to call the police. She refused to call the police 'as they wouldn't have any evidence' and that it was her fault that she got so drunk.

She is now home, we've had a chat face-to-face.  I’m being super sensitive about what happened and I’m there for her emotionally but she doesn’t seem to phased by it. Should I be concerned that she's ended up in a guy’s hotel room after drinking so much and is only blaming herself??

She's claimed that she wasn't forced into a room and hadn’t engaged in any consensual sexual activity (although she doesn’t remember anything??), she thinks she might’ve passed out and has been taken advantage of. The story has however changed a few times on what she can and can’t remember.

Her friend who was aware of what happened had posted an Instagram story the next day of how much of a good night they’d had with the guy in it. I’ve gone to her to ask what had happened and I’ve been ignored.

Do I try to give this relationship a chance knowing that she can get so drunk and put herself in that position?

Any advice on how to tackle this would be appreciated

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, ocoop said:

she doesn’t seem to phased by it. Should I be concerned that she's ended up in a guy’s hotel room after drinking so much and is only blaming herself??

Her friend who was aware of what happened had posted an Instagram story the next day of how much of a good night they’d had with the guy in it.

She needs to see a doctor for STD testing. It's bizarre her friend would post the story and pics of the guy if he was a rapist, no?

It sounds like you feel it's a cover story for an indiscretion she felt would be revealed?

[smackie9]

We all know what happened...she wasn't raped, she was drunk and made a poor choice...she made up some lies because her friend posted the evidence online. She doesn't seem phased because it wasn't the tragic story she told you. I wouldn't buy it. 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about this—sounds very complicated.

How long have you been together? And given that you know your gf far better than us, how in-character or out of sorts is it for her to get this drunk with a friend? Had male attention, and her seeking it, ever been a concern of yours?

Did you mean you asked her friend what happened, or your girlfriend? Are you friendly with her friend? 

The IG post is a thorn in this, no doubt. Is there any chance at all that it was posted before your gf told her what happened? I ask because, murky and awful as all this is, that she called you immediately strikes me as a gesture of trust. 

All that aside, you are allowed to be both sincerely sensitive to this and questioning things, like your viability as a match, in the wake of this. But, again, I’d like to understand how long you’ve been together and how well you know each other before going down that path. 

[Kwothe28]

If she was raped she needs to see the doctor and contact the police. Her telling you how she doesnt remember what she did while her friend says she had a great time, is not how you handle stuff like that. Rape is a serious accusation. And should be handled with authorities involved.

As for your other question, yes, girls who get blackout drunk and end up in hotel rooms with shady characters they probably just met, are not really a relationship material. No matter what happened to them in that hotel room.

[ocoop]

2 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Sorry about this—sounds very complicated.

How long have you been together? And given that you know your gf far better than us, how in-character or out of sorts is it for her to get this drunk with a friend? Had male attention, and her seeking it, ever been a concern of yours?

Did you mean you asked her friend what happened, or your girlfriend? Are you friendly with her friend? 

The IG post is a thorn in this, no doubt. Is there any chance at all that it was posted before your gf told her what happened? I ask because, murky and awful as all this is, that she called you immediately strikes me as a gesture of trust. 

All that aside, you are allowed to be both sincerely sensitive to this and questioning things, like your viability as a match, in the wake of this. But, again, I’d like to understand how long you’ve been together and how well you know each other before going down that path. 

We've been together for 1 year but have known each other for 4 years. It's not of character for her to get that drunk unfortunately, but I've never had any concerns of her seeking male attention since being together . She admitted she'd been hit on a few times during the holiday and saying no was the easiest thing ever because of me. 

I'd asked her friend who i don't know very well, about what had happened in general to get a better picture, not about the IG post. The IG post is a bit murky as I've not had confirmation that the guy was in it, just an assumption when she claimed how good the night was with them both and some guys. This didn't sit well and I'll try seek more clarity on this. It was after my GF booked the next flight home that night so her friend was aware of the incident.

My GF said she can read all the messages between them both on that night / morning if I want to.

I do trust that she's told me the truth and I'll be there for her in that sense. I'm more concerned about how she got into that situation, is being 'blackout drunk' a good enough excuse to end up in another persons bed?

[Seraphim]

She needs to call the police and be tested for STD’s. 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, ocoop said:

She refused to call the police 'as they wouldn't have any evidence'.

Actually they would have 'evidence', especially a rape kit and blood tests if she were drugged. She does seem overly nonchalant about it and the IG post detailing the "fun" they had if the friend knows she was raped is simply bizarre. No one deserves to be raped, drunk or not. However the question is does her account of it seem plausible to you?

[Seraphim]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Actually they would have 'evidence', especially a rape kit and blood tests if she were drugged. She does seem overly nonchalant about it and the IG post detailing the "fun" they had if the friend knows she was raped is simply bizarre. No one deserves to be raped, drunk or not. However the question is does her account of it seem plausible to you?

Absolutely they would have had evidence, it is called a rape kit , like was said . That is the BEST time to collect evidence . Not now after it had been days and she has the left and showered all that. 

[catfeeder]

She may not have been blackout drunk, she may have been drugged. That can happen with one drink.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, ocoop said:

My girlfriend got blackout drunk whilst on holiday with her friend and ended up at an 'afterparty' in hotel rooms where four guys staying, that they'd just met that day a few hours earlier.

My GF and her friend ended up separated as they got there her friend went to one of the guy’s rooms. My girlfriend doesn't remember anything but has ended up in another guy’s room, who she's come round to/woken up to him having sex with her. She had to tell him to stop twice before he did, she claimed he was shocked, he helped her get her stuff together and she left in tears and instantly called me saying she'd just been raped. I ensured she was now safe and with somebody she could trust and informed her to call the police. She refused to call the police 'as they wouldn't have any evidence' and that it was her fault that she got so drunk.

She is now home, we've had a chat face-to-face.  I’m being super sensitive about what happened and I’m there for her emotionally but she doesn’t seem to phased by it. Should I be concerned that she's ended up in a guy’s hotel room after drinking so much and is only blaming herself??

She's claimed that she wasn't forced into a room and hadn’t engaged in any consensual sexual activity (although she doesn’t remember anything??), she thinks she might’ve passed out and has been taken advantage of. The story has however changed a few times on what she can and can’t remember.

Her friend who was aware of what happened had posted an Instagram story the next day of how much of a good night they’d had with the guy in it. I’ve gone to her to ask what had happened and I’ve been ignored.

Do I try to give this relationship a chance knowing that she can get so drunk and put herself in that position?

Any advice on how to tackle this would be appreciated

Not to state the obvious.. but she's ignoring you. You may have no choice in the matter and the relationship is over. Give this a few more days and think on it. Let her approach you. In that time use the time to think about the relationship as a whole. It's doubtful that a potential life with someone would come crashing down in one incident but this could be the event that breaks the camel's back, so to speak. 

You both may be incompatible to start.

[Lambert]

I am sorry this happened. As much as we as a society want to make it easier for women to come forward or men for that matter when there is an assault.  It's a lot on the victim.  The fact that she is safe and away from the guy, is the most important.  Next is making sure she is physically ok.  As others said, seen by a doc, tested etc.

I think the best thing you can do is be there for your girlfriend.  You said you trust her and believe her.  Maybe let that be your guide.  You can be concerned, want answers, want her to call the police, all of those things.  But this is happening to her.  It's important to respect her decisions and needs.  You don't want her to feel victimized again. And you don't want her to push you away. It is a very delicate situation.

Now if she is lying.  Do you think she might be?  That is different.  It's just as bad to accuse a person of rape as it is to be a rapist.  Accusations like this can ruin the accused's life. 

 

[itsallgrand]

Just to clarify, does she get drunk frequently? I was a bit unclear when reading your response.

 

[Batya33]

46 minutes ago, itsallgrand said:

Just to clarify, does she get drunk frequently? I was a bit unclear when reading your response.

 

As was I.  I don't think you'll ever know.  Can you accept that? All you know is she chose to get drunk (I assume she told you she consumed enough to get drunk - not that she had one drink and passed out -meaning, drugged drink) - and chose to drink a lot in a situation with four men she didn't know.  I am NOT writing this to say she wasn't raped.  She may have been.  Or that she deserved to be assaulted or raped.  She did not. 

But what I am saying is choosing to drink and get drunk around men she doesn't know is playing with fire as far as her loyalty to you.  It's behavior that is inconsistent with being in a committed relationship.  Now if she was hanging out with a close platonic male friend you knew and chose to get drunk, that's different -she would be with a trustworthy person who cares about her.  But she knew it was very risky as far as choosing to get drunk at an after party as far as risking staying loyal to you.  

[DancingFool]

Personally, I think your gf is a quick thinker. She had a little too much fun and acted like a single lady, things went way too far, she woke up, sobered up and realized that she is neck deep in manure...especially with a pal who is going to post this night on social media that you are likely to see and have major questions about........

So to answer your question, what kind of a person gets black out drunk and puts themselves in a bad situation? Anyone can be having fun, lose track and end up having one too many. Nobody is immune to that and there is no character judgment on that. The more concerning part is that she was acting single long before she reached that point.

The bigger issue may be simply that she is not yet done sowing her wild oats and therefore shouldn't be in a serious relationship with anyone because she is not yet ready for that whether she wants to admit it or not.

[Capricorn3]

8 hours ago, smackie9 said:

We all know what happened...she wasn't raped, she was drunk and made a poor choice...she made up some lies because her friend posted the evidence online. She doesn't seem phased because it wasn't the tragic story she told you. I wouldn't buy it. 

^ I second this post in its entirety.  This is a not so fine glimpse at her real character coming through (imo).  She needs to be single and you need to find someone else.

[MissCanuck]

My opinion is that she consented and this is her cover, OP.

As much as you needed to hear her side, we also need to be careful not to unfairly accuse people of rape, and undermine those who have been assaulted and devalue their voices with drunken oopsies like this. 

I'm sorry. 

[limichelle]

As someone who was raped a year ago and is still dealing with the legal and emotional ramifications from it. I will say Yes it happens in poor decision making such as drinking too much or in my case being naive with a childhood friend.

 

What doesn’t happen is the nonchalant way she’s now acting. There’s many emotions and sure numbness is one way of coping. Usually you can tell even then when someone is suppressing emotions regarding trauma. Sooner or later it bubbles up and boils over the emotions.

 

I can tell you from my experience life just doesn’t carry on normally.

 

It took me two weeks to be safe leaving the house. Three months to be semi okay with public places with people at the grocery store.

 

I had traumatic nightmares every single night. 
 

needless to say if what happened is true she would be traumatized! I don’t care how black out drunk she got! 
 

Also as a victim you don’t go back and hang around the Assailant. If anything you want nothing to do with them! 
 

it’s been one year and I still have trouble even saying his name out loud.

 

It’s not right what she’s doing to ‘cover’ her tracks. 
 

I would be more concerned about this shady behavior rather then if she got blacked out drunk to begin with. 
 

The instagram shows me something is way off. Anyone willing to lie about being raped is not worth the time to be with.

 

You don’t want to be a rape victim. I would give anything to have my life back the way it was before I got raped. You just don’t take it lightly. 
 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

15 hours ago, ocoop said:

Her friend who was aware of what happened had posted an Instagram story the next day of how much of a good night they’d had with the guy in it. I’ve gone to her to ask what had happened and I’ve been ignored.

I defer to Lilimichelle as, while I've been assaulted a few times -at work and on a date -I've never experienced her situation and my heart goes out to her. I cannot imagine so I defer to how she analyzed your situation.  But this raises red flags  Even if her friend didn't know I cannot imagine someone who calls her boyfriend right after to talk about the rape then is ok with an IG story being up like this and not being willing to respond to you.  That is what gives me pause.

(When my work situation happened I froze during it then took action later- when the date thing happened I did not report it but helped in later years when he went on to harass a number of my friends through dating sites which is also how I met him -in the work situation I was dating someone and that someone knew about what was going on before the assault -the inappropriate behavior -so I included him in all "what should I do" discussions)