Husband's female manager does this... is it weird?

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

seems to have a "yes boss" attitide with her. 

She is his manager, no? What makes you think he's cheating? If he wants to cheat he will regardless of the travel arrangements. You simply seem jealous of her. Because you feel threatened and view her as the enemy you expect him to?

[Seraphim]

So he needs to put her in her place. That is the answer. He needs to tell her unless it is business related please don’t contact me at home. That isn’t offensive or mean and can’t be misconstrued. 

[Charlie1984]

@reinventmyself I wish my situation was like yours and she understood boundies. Bluntly said, she once told my husband she and her then boyfriend now husband hadn't had sex in 5 years. He said he quickly changed the subject. Husband: boundies Her: not a single boundry. 

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

Husband: boundies Her: not a single boundry. 

If that is the case you're worried over nothing. But it seems there's a lot of distrust regarding your husband. You're taking out your wrath on her but if you have a beef talk to your husband.

[DancingFool]

18 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

@reinventmyself I wish my situation was like yours and she understood boundies. Bluntly said, she once told my husband she and her then boyfriend now husband hadn't had sex in 5 years. He said he quickly changed the subject. Husband: boundies Her: not a single boundry. 

The important part is that your husband has boundaries. What other people are doing doesn't matter because it's not something you can control. Her telling your husband that kind of information is not necessarily an invitation to anything and if he doesn't want to have those types of conversations, it's on him to end/change the topic.

It's not that someone will potentially hit on your husband, it's how he is responding to it that you need to worry about. So, what is really going on here? Do you trust your husband or not?

[Andrina]

He's also a part of the problem because he's also failing to put up boundaries. He doesn't need to answer the phone from her at home. If it was an important business matter that couldn't wait until the next day, she could leave a message explaining that. He should also tell her he doesn't want non-business phone calls from her because when he's home, he wants to relax and enjoy uninterrupted time with his wife.

Explain to him that those are hard discussions with a manager, but it's necessary for the good of your marriage. The issue is causing stress as far as you are concerned, plus the fact that he's putting wear and tear on his car, and that financing issue affects you as well, since this is part of the household budget.

And instead of just changing the topic, he needs to say that he's not comfortable hearing about her personal life.

If he values your marriage, he will perform the awkward task of having that important discussion with his boss, and if that doesn't rectify the issue, he could go to HR.

There was an instance like this at my job with a nutty female in upper mgmt. acting inappropriately with several of the male staff. It went up the chain and she was given a talking to. She transferred out several months after that.

If he's too cowardly, then apparently he doesn't fear the demise of your marriage.

[MissCanuck]

She can’t cause issues if your husband has appropriate boundaries.

[Rose Mosse]

1 hour ago, Charlie1984 said:

@Rose Mosse I agree. He doesn't like it. He'd rather fly. Also, he is growing frustrated by all the miles on his car now. Yes, he uses his car at her request. But he says it feels more like a directive. So there is that. I think he has to be firmer and is being too passive. He doesn't hesitate to give the CEO, General Manager or Owners the business but seems to have a "yes boss" attitide with her. Frustrating. 

 

1 hour ago, Charlie1984 said:

@Andrina Yes. Recently had to put the breaks to him accepting calls from her at 7:30 pm after noticing that she called at bedtime a few times within short period of time and nothing business related was dicussed. He was annoyed and I was more than annoyed she interupted snuggle time to tell him where she was eating and how her steak is something she knew he'd like. History of inappropriate behavior with him and others that have left the company. So yeah, lots of back story and I do absoltuley trust my husband but the devil never sleeps and I am sick of her antics. 

He is very passive. Does he worry about job stability? Why does he pick up her calls after work? 

She sounds lonely and unprofessional. She picks on him as her buddy in ways that are inappropriate because he may be the most available and willing. No one else will say yes or agree to her requests.

[smackie9]

Sounds like he has np handling her, and she knows if she crosses the line too far, she's going to lose another employee. 

[Lambert]

Sounds like you already know this is weird. your gut is telling you. 

Try to trust yourself and your instincts more.  You are allowed to feel how you feel. to not like the way your hubs is behaving. and you don't need anyone to agree with you for it to be true. You get what I'm saying?

Your husband is married to you. He took a vow to keep you above all others. You don't have to be all aggressive with him and say that.  lol! but he might need reminded that jobs come and go, wives should not.

As far as the financial part on the car. This should be resolved by the company reimbursement. It's not a  normal practice for a healthy successful company to expect employees to pay their own travel expenses. Unless of course that is something that your hubs agreed to when he accepted the job. If employees are expected to pay their own travel expenses, then the manager owes your hubs reimbursement for gas and use of his car. 

Boundaries on his personal time must be set. People in general will press boundaries for their own needs. It's on us to enforce them.  

Maybe this means you have to set your boundaries with your husband.

[Batya33]

I like how Lambert put it and I think you want to be careful about being his work coach - have some boundaries yourself about how much unsolicited advice you give him about how to interact at the work place.

I've never worked for a company or heard of one where employees pay their own travel expenses related to business travel.

[catfeeder]

20 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

@catfeeder I am 100% in agreeance with you. I asked him "How do you expect to ultimatley become higher in the chain the command when you don't speak up and let yourself be steamrolled by this woman?" He has no issue speaking up to CEO, General Manager, Owners but not her. which of course makes mind run on overdrive. I thank you for your input. Helps me understand where I need to aim. 

When you say, "He has no issue speaking up to CEO, General Manager, Owners but not her."

Is this a summation or his words? The next questions would be, "Why?" (What are his words?)

Also, how is she toward you when you've accompanied him on the trips?

Do the two of you fly, or do you both drive with her?

If the two of you fly, then a good out for him could be to always just tell her that wife will be traveling with him--regardless whether you can join him or not. When not, he can greet her there and if she asks where you are, mention a change in your plans whenever you can't go.

[lostandhurt]

Looking at this purely from a business standpoint.

How is your husband paid for the windshield time? (time behind the wheel traveling)

How is he reimbursed for mileage on the vehicle?

How does all these hours driving affect productivity?

How much more do you pay for vehicle insurance since it is being used for business?

How many hours a month is he away from home because of these trips on average?

Does she have the power to fire your husband?

  Lost

[Jamie425]

On 7/21/2022 at 5:11 PM, Charlie1984 said:

Hi,

I am curious if the follow strikes you as weird as it does me. So my husband's manager is a female and they been working together for about 5 years or so. When she came aboard she was in a relationship with a man who she claimed was her husband but it turned out not to be. They actually just got married last year but even beyond the wedding dont even live in the same state. It's a whole mess. Well it very much seems like she doesn't understand boundries and now more than ever seems to be pushing it. They tend to have to travel to different locations of the company they work for and she seems to want to insist on driving and they both end up going together. This is begining to irk me like crazy. The car rides could be upto 7/8 hours one way. Is this as alarming/offputting as it is to me? 

 

Thank you.

It is hard to know without more information. Have you seen them together? Did they seem flirtatious? Does your husband talk about her too often? Could there a reason she doesn't want to fly? Have you talked to your husband about this? Is he evasive? Her relationship status won't seem nearly as important once you are more secure in your own.

[Charlie1984]

@catfeeder

I know of conversations between him and all higher ups by way of him telling me or me hearing them.

There is an obvious difference in the way he handles the male higher ups and her. 

She wanted to ride with him before and once she knows I am going, she ends up flying. But since we end up all having meals together, she talks to me as if she thinks we are friends, confides in me, vents to me about her relationship. She is an oversharer. Annoyingly, she loves to act like she knows my husband. His likes, dislikes, charactor traits... it's so weird. Almost like a sisterwive. Another reason I find her off putting as person. 

I really wish I could ask that, but I know he wont go for it. We are not the type to lead anything with lies or misleadings.

 

I am growing very frustrated.

[Charlie1984]

@lostandhurt He does get reimbursed for travel and milage. Sorry, never made that clear. The part that annoying is that his vehicle purchased in December 26th, 2020 now has a ton of miles and has been hit by a semi on a work trip to another location (devaluing and landing it on the carfax). So he has grown unhappy with using his vehicle for these trips. If he goes anywhere with GM they fly. For some reason she has grown insistant on drving. 

 

No, to confirm I don't know if she wants to get her hooks in my man, I am just seeking perspective and what it seems like to you all so I don't end up jumping to bad conclusions. I know i might have dipped my toe in the bad conclusions water but I want perspective.  

[Seraphim]

If he can’t put her in her place maybe he needs to seek employment in a different company ?

[Charlie1984]

@Jamie425 She honestly does seem flirtatious...but with all men. Like she is attention hungry or something. He talks about her a very usual amount, nothing concerning. He says he doesn't want to be driving but she is insistant. He is never evasive about anything including her. 

 

If she is casting the line, I know he's not taking the bait, the problem is she is not understanding or caring about boundries and how it's costing time in his personal life with his wife and I have grown very frustrated by this infringement and lack of consideration.

 

 

[Charlie1984]

@Seraphim  At this point I wish he would. But he has grown so much there and continues to grow so much because he has the GM as a mentor and I would never ask or insist that he give that up. Hi GM has been a blessing to him. 

Actually during a conversation about this topic I told him to seek guidence on boundries from his GM. His GM has a very demanding no nonsense wife so I know the advice would be great. No word yet if he sought it out yet...my gut says no. 

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

I don't end up jumping to bad conclusions. 

You already are. You think your husband is spineless and this hussy is trying to "steal" him. You keep forgetting that she is his manager.

[Charlie1984]

@Wiseman2 Everything you say is valid and correct. The thing is she crossed some sort of line with previous subordinates in the department...to the point they quit. I don't want my husband to be the next one cause aside from her crap, he has done well there. He is growing. I wish he'd just find his voice to tell this woman what is what and ease himself and me. 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

I wish he'd just find his voice to tell this woman what is what and ease himself and me. 

That is not likely to ever happen, so long as she is above him at work.

Are you going to be able to live with that? I don't know what other alternative you have, if he doesn't want to change jobs. 

 

[MissCanuck]

31 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

Actually during a conversation about this topic I told him to seek guidence on boundries from his GM. His GM has a very demanding no nonsense wife so I know the advice would be great. 

How so?

He doesn't need advice about boundaries in a marriage. This is a completely different situation. 

[Charlie1984]

@MissCanuck I think because he is unsure how to handle it, so perspective on it from someone who I know has been through it and has a wife that has never taken BS like this lightly, the GM can be a great source of guidence on fixing this and setting boundries in the future. They have great heart to hearts and are friends, so I dont see this as unusual.

 

This woman keeps pushing and enough is enough. He has to learn and be assertive. 

[Jamie425]

22 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

@Jamie425 She honestly does seem flirtatious...but with all men. Like she is attention hungry or something. He talks about her a very usual amount, nothing concerning. He says he doesn't want to be driving but she is insistant. He is never evasive about anything including her. 

 

If she is casting the line, I know he's not taking the bait, the problem is she is not understanding or caring about boundries and how it's costing time in his personal life with his wife and I have grown very frustrated by this infringement and lack of consideration.

 

 

 I think your husband should tell her he'd rather fly and meet her there because it's taking too much time away from MY WIFE and kids. (Women who flirt with married men don't like that word). Of course, that might raise a cost issue. In which case, he should tell her he will drive himself because you're uncomfortable with the amount of time spent alone together. Tell him how you feel because you are not being unreasonable. She is.  And your husband should be considerate enough of your feelings to raise the issue. Keep me updated. Pulling for you.