Husband's female manager does this... is it weird?

[Charlie1984]

Hi,

I am curious if the follow strikes you as weird as it does me. So my husband's manager is a female and they been working together for about 5 years or so. When she came aboard she was in a relationship with a man who she claimed was her husband but it turned out not to be. They actually just got married last year but even beyond the wedding dont even live in the same state. It's a whole mess. Well it very much seems like she doesn't understand boundries and now more than ever seems to be pushing it. They tend to have to travel to different locations of the company they work for and she seems to want to insist on driving and they both end up going together. This is begining to irk me like crazy. The car rides could be upto 7/8 hours one way. Is this as alarming/offputting as it is to me? 

 

Thank you.

[lostandhurt]

Do you think she is trying to make a move on your husband?

What are the company rules on travel?  Do they have a limit on air travel?

Lost

[Charlie1984]

@lostandhurt I feel like she is not happy with the way shes allowed her own relationship to go and misery loves company. I don't know the rules because they dont have any it seems. When he travels with execs they fly. But she vetos flying and I can't understand why. 

[Batya33]

I used to ride in my male boss's car for 4-5 hours at a time.  I didn't drive.  It made sense for me to go with him.  He was married and I think for most of that time I had a boyfriend. I was in my 30s and he was in his 50s. No biggie.

[Kwothe28]

She insist on them doing their job? Oh the horrors...

I can see how it irks you. But at the same time dont see anything alarming if she is professional about it. Maybe she preffers to travel with him as a colleague. That still doesnt mean that she wants to jump on him as soon as they pass a few kilometers. Again, if she doesnt crosses the line, and starts doing stuff like flirting, dont see the reason for an alarm.

[catfeeder]

The problem is less about her and more about your husband who won't decline the trip in favor of video attendance unless he's allowed to fly.

Either he enjoys the car ride with her, or he's awfully passive. Either way, this speaks of him, not her.

[Lambert]

Just based on what you wrote.  Who knows... Is it odd a person prefers to drive over flying? How do you know her marriage is a mess? 

What does he say?  Does he like the trips and the job? 

In any way are you just fishing for a problem? Not every woman is man hungry.

Do you think you could be being judgmental about her?  And her relationship? 

Turn the mirror around. Look at yourself, your marriage... What's going on there? 

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

I feel like she is not happy with the way shes allowed her own relationship to go and misery loves company.

And what are you basing this on, exactly? 

 

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

 my husband's manager is a female and they been working together for about 5 years or so.  it very much seems like she doesn't understand boundries and now more than ever seems to be pushing it. 

How long have you been married? How is your relationship with your husband in general? 

It doesn't matter who he works with, what travel is required for work or what the state of his co-workers marriages are.

You believe your husband is interested in cheating and you need to figure out why.

She is not the problem so stop focusing on irrelevant details about her. Is your sex life or romance dead? Do you communicate?

The issue is a marital one, not a "female co-worker is this that or the other". If you had a secure happy marriage and husband you trusted, this co-worker wouldn't be an issue. 

[Blue_Skirt]

9 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

They tend to have to travel to different locations of the company they work for and she seems to want to insist on driving and they both end up going together. This is begining to irk me like crazy. The car rides could be upto 7/8 hours one way.

Could it be that she simply has a fear of flying?

[Wiseman2]

Just now, Blue_Skirt said:

Could it be that she simply has a fear of flying?

Good point. If your husband wants to cheat, he can do it anywhere any time whether they fly, drive, take a train, covered wagon or go by donkey.

The issue is your husband and the marriage. If he wants to cheat he'll do it in the hotel however they get there.

[Rose Mosse]

15 hours ago, Charlie1984 said:

Hi,

I am curious if the follow strikes you as weird as it does me. So my husband's manager is a female and they been working together for about 5 years or so. When she came aboard she was in a relationship with a man who she claimed was her husband but it turned out not to be. They actually just got married last year but even beyond the wedding dont even live in the same state. It's a whole mess. Well it very much seems like she doesn't understand boundries and now more than ever seems to be pushing it. They tend to have to travel to different locations of the company they work for and she seems to want to insist on driving and they both end up going together. This is begining to irk me like crazy. The car rides could be upto 7/8 hours one way. Is this as alarming/offputting as it is to me? 

 

Thank you.

What’s your husband’s response? All that matters is how he responds. That’s his work situation so he’ll have to handle it.

Observe what he does or says. Focus less on her. 

[Andrina]

Does he speak of his manager in excess? Like is he highly invested in her and her story? Do they communicate by phone, regularly, for non-business topics?

[tattoobunnie]

He can cheat when he's away.  How does driving equal cheating for you?

[reinventmyself]

17 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I used to ride in my male boss's car for 4-5 hours at a time.  I didn't drive.  It made sense for me to go with him.  He was married and I think for most of that time I had a boyfriend. I was in my 30s and he was in his 50s. No biggie.

I too carpooled with a coworker, round trip, 3 hours a day for 5 years.  He was married.  I was single.  I will say in close proximity over a course of time we found ourselves tipping over into personal conversations.   I had to keep in mind that crossing a line, even if it very innocent lent to us bonding more and more. 

When you consider we likely spent more time talking then he might have with his wife in any given day, it felt a little precarious at times.  We were aware of this and set some boundaries.  It was all very appropriate. But I can see how two people could cross that line if they didn't possess strong characters with healthy boundaries.

It helped that I had a friendship with his wife.  Often times when I dropped him off, I would go into their home and visit with the both of them.  

 

[Charlie1984]

@catfeeder I am 100% in agreeance with you. I asked him "How do you expect to ultimatley become higher in the chain the command when you don't speak up and let yourself be steamrolled by this woman?" He has no issue speaking up to CEO, General Manager, Owners but not her. which of course makes mind run on overdrive. I thank you for your input. Helps me understand where I need to aim. 

[Seraphim]

I am terrified of air travel I would rather drive as well. Not to mention air travel during Covid is a gong show, no thanks . 

[Seraphim]

3 minutes ago, Charlie1984 said:

@catfeeder I am 100% in agreeance with you. I asked him "How do you expect to ultimatley become higher in the chain the command when you don't speak up and let yourself be steamrolled by this woman?" He has no issue speaking up to CEO, General Manager, Owners but not her. which of course makes mind run on overdrive. I thank you for your input. Helps me understand where I need to aim. 

Think about it this way, in the atmosphere of today if you even look at a woman the wrong way or say the wrong word or have the wrong intonation  or whatever you’re  scaffolded and guillotined and your life ruined in a heartbeat. Most men now won’t say a word. Men talking to other men doesn’t present the same issues. Having a husband and a son I am very cognizant of the atmosphere they have to live in in the professional and social world. It isn’t pretty. 

[Charlie1984]

@Lambert The last time I saw her (I went on the business trip with him) she was upset cause her husband caused a fight, told her ugly things and left in the middle of the night to go back "home" in another state. A guy on their department quit about a year ago but before he did, him and his wife came to have a strong distates for the manager becuase form what they illuded to, she crossed lines and got inappropriate. This is the position of another co-worker thay had that left as well. This is all contributing factors to my discomfort over her constant need to spend more time with my husband. I trust my husband but I know what I know and the devil never sleeps. He likes his job, seems to like the trips when I can swing going with him. I love your questions though, you are very objective and see all angles. Thank you. 

[Charlie1984]

@MissCanuck I am basing on her excessive oversharing. She is not happy, she thought marriage was the answer to a bad relationship and it wasn't and it's worse now. In this time, she has been even more insistant on spending more and more time with my husband and calls more too (not even about business). 

[Charlie1984]

@Blue_Skirt Nope, that would solve it. Shes been all around the world and used to fly all over for work. She has upcoming trips that require flying. No fear there.

[Charlie1984]

@Wiseman2

4 years, we have a great relationship. I trust him and knows hes uninterested in cheating. Our marriage is a work in progress but a blessing. She on the otherhad has a history of being boundriless. She doesn't act appropriatley. I do appriciate the deep dive of your questions, I know my whole post was rather lame and unequipped.

[Charlie1984]

@Rose Mosse I agree. He doesn't like it. He'd rather fly. Also, he is growing frustrated by all the miles on his car now. Yes, he uses his car at her request. But he says it feels more like a directive. So there is that. I think he has to be firmer and is being too passive. He doesn't hesitate to give the CEO, General Manager or Owners the business but seems to have a "yes boss" attitide with her. Frustrating. 

[Charlie1984]

@Andrina Yes. Recently had to put the breaks to him accepting calls from her at 7:30 pm after noticing that she called at bedtime a few times within short period of time and nothing business related was dicussed. He was annoyed and I was more than annoyed she interupted snuggle time to tell him where she was eating and how her steak is something she knew he'd like. History of inappropriate behavior with him and others that have left the company. So yeah, lots of back story and I do absoltuley trust my husband but the devil never sleeps and I am sick of her antics. 

[Charlie1984]

@tattoobunnie It doesn't. I am trying to get perspective on her and if it seems weird to  others too. Lots of back story here. She is inappropriate and this is becoming the straw that broke the camels back.