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Husband's female manager does this... is it weird?


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The minute we start dictating rules to our spouse on how to behave we are treating them like a child. Then you run around being “ mommy”. 
 

My husband is a military officer and has been away from us many many times for short periods and long periods. If you have a spouse who works far away it requires a lot of trust in this person. If you don’t have trust in this person which is displayed by rules down to who he can eat with and when and how and where you need to reevaluate your whole relationship. This may be harder to see from the inside though but much more evident to people not part of the situation. 

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I'll give an example of how the romantic relationship can inform the professional one.  I had a serious boyfriend back then.  Worked for a large firm.  A coworker -a married guy younger than me befriended me.  We did not work together but had the same job.  I thought it was fine as he was married and a professional.  I had no interest in him whatsoever.  We had pizza once during the lunch hour, we chatted on and off.  But he started crossing lines - left me voicemails about how cute I looked that day or that he missed me as he hadn't seen me that day.  Then one night he came to my office when I was working late and asked if I'd like to get a drink.  I said no.  He came around to my side of the desk, said ok and leaned over and kissed me "good night" on the cheek.  And left.

I froze.  I was so strong otherwise and assertive and I froze which I learned is typical when this sort of harassment happens.  I was scared.  I called my boyfriend.  He was NOT at all critical of me -he did not think I caused this or liked it.  He did not "tell" me what to do but he strongly suggested what I should do.  I needed his input very badly -I didn't know what to do -this had never happened before. I also contacted a friend who was an attorney in these matters and she advised me also.

So I followed their advice.  The next time he came to my office at night he again approached me. I said "no" -in a polite but firm way and he said "because of the office or my marriage" and I stammered (yes I was still scared) "both".  He left.  A few days later he was fired/quit when he threatened to hit a female boss who had upset him.  So it was taken care of in that way.

My boyfriend trusted me.  I asked him for help and I will say his "strong suggestion' did have a tone of "you really need to do it this way" because he was really upset to hear what had happened to me.  I actually needed a "mommy" at that moment.  It's about that -sometimes it's ok to step over the line and be "mommy" in that situation where the person is particularly vulnerable and needs objectivity.  Your husband does not and you're treating him as if he does.  

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On 7/30/2022 at 1:43 AM, MissCanuck said:

Because rules like this suggest she perceives this other woman as a threat, and doesn't trust her husband to maintain appropriate boundaries on his own: 

If she trusted him, she wouldn't need to spell this out. She would feel confident that he wouldn't give off signals that he's somehow trying to impress his manager. No need for rules like the above. 

So while this other women is a nusiance, I also see that OP doesn't feel secure that her husband will preserve the integrity of their marriage. That is a husband problem, not an annoying-manager problem. 

No. Making a living is not unnecessary time. Driving when you can fly is. You've made your feelings known to your husband. If I were you, Id close the topic before you get anymore"helpful" advice.

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