How to deal with 'insults' from girlfriend

[Rose Mosse]

You both need to move out. I think she finds you irritating and you probably value different things differently. It's just food for you but it's not the case for some people. It is certainly NO reason to name call and fly off the handle. 

All this is only indicative that you're not compatible. I don't know why you'd want to be around someone like that or why she'd even want to date you.

[Seraphim]

My husband and I have similar values in almost every respect off the top of my head I can only think of one area where we don’t . We have similar values about food. His parents were kids in war time Europe and food was not a luxury to waste. My generation was told to eat our food and be thankful we have food to eat as not everyone does. We would never think of taking food from the other and then say , naaah I don’t feel like it and I just want to eat indiscriminately whatever I want. 

[Batya33]

Just now, Seraphim said:

My husband and I have similar values in almost every respect off the top of my head I can only think of one area where we don’t . We have similar values about food. His parents were kids in war time Europe and food was not a luxury to waste. My generation was told to eat our food and be thankful we have food to eat as not everyone does. We would never think of taking food from the other and then say , naaah I don’t feel like it and I just want to eat indiscriminately whatever I want. 

Also be aware that people’s approach to food can change. Mine did when I had our son.  And got married.
Food waste - prevention- became much more important to me than when I was single especially since when I was single dinner often was eaten at the office with my colleagues and take out - leftovers sometimes were taken home but often couldn’t be / and I wasn’t paying and neither was my partner. It was part of my overtime benefits so to speak. 

I never thought I’d be into buying generics or couponing or food waste etc because it simply wasn’t a priority when it was just me.  But when you’re in a couple often your mindset changes and if it doesn’t you have to be ready to adjust. As does your partner. 

[Seraphim]

I think older generations had food waste as a big issue. People died of starvation in the Big Depression and war time etc. Our generation is closer to those human tragedies. I see homeless people starving all the time and it seriously emotionally kills me and I try to help when I can. Food insecurity is immense once again and to throw food away because eh I don’t care boggles my mind. 

[bbogdanov]

1 hour ago, Kwothe28 said:

I think its important that you both share your fair share of blame in the situations you mentioned. 

She has over the top reactions and there is no need for name calling. Its something that you shouldnt need to deal with and develop "thick skin" for. 

On the other hand you are pampered. To just say like a little kid "Nah, I took a bite but will take something else" is a definition of that. Also, most of people I know would just say to you that, if you dont like their cooking, you can make something yourself or buy something else now or tomorrow. But nah, you ate her cooking but then complained about it. She prepared something for you and you didnt like her cooking. Its like you are looking for an argument lol. 

Living with somebody requires certain adjustments. That means that you wont get everything you want every time and that you would need to tolerate some stuff. You cant tolerate her being rude for example, that is over the top. But badly prepared meal every now and then, you can certanly brush it off and dont complain about it. Sadly, you are pampered so you cant really comprehend that your actions are not something that should be done. So you cant adjust on the other person who is also inperfect on her own way. And that creates an argument. So work on yourself, because, again, I dont know anyone who would tolerate your pampered butt criticizing their cooking skills. Again, if you cant see how is that a big "no-no" from your side and that you need to change that, than I dunno what to tell you.

I don't want to say anything like a kid, I just want to be able to eat (in that particular case) whatever I like without it being a problem. I am not looking for an argument at all, I never explicitly tell her that I don't like her cooking. If I don't like it, I just eat something else. I am not purposefully insulting her that her dish is not good. And I do tolerate badly prepared meal (in fact it isn't badly prepared at all, it's just up to personal taste) and I don't make a problem out of it. I just eat something else without complaining. I got to the point that I now fear her asking me how I find the meal or seeing me eat something else, I don't want to insult her that way, let alone explicitly telling her the meal is bad (like your point here).

[Seraphim]

Just now, bbogdanov said:

I don't want to say anything like a kid, I just want to be able to eat (in that particular case) whatever I like without it being a problem. I am not looking for an argument at all, I never explicitly tell her that I don't like her cooking. If I don't like it, I just eat something else. I am not purposefully insulting her that her dish is not good. And I do tolerate badly prepared meal (in fact it isn't badly prepared at all, it's just up to personal taste) and I don't make a problem out of it. I just eat something else without complaining. I got to the point that I now fear her asking me how I find the meal or seeing me eat something else, I don't want to insult her that way, let alone explicitly telling her the meal is bad (like your point here).

Then you buy and make  everything yourself. Because by not eating her food that she made you are in fact insulting her. And you are in fact acting spoiled. So buy all your own food and make it then you have no complaints. 

[bbogdanov]

1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

Agree. Especially on throwing food away. Definitely disrespectful and frowned upon in my house. 

I don't like to throw food away but equally I don't like eating food I don't enjoy.

[bbogdanov]

1 hour ago, reinventmyself said:

Often times the thing you are arguing about isn't really the root of what's troubling you.   Had you both been better connected and in a good place, the issue with the food would appear silly. 

If you were to dig deeper, would there be something else that is causing the tension that shows itself in this way?

I dated someone who leaned towards using insulting words to express what he was feeling.  It was a deal breaker.  I warned him a few times that he was entitled to how he felt but if he couldn't express it in a mature, respectful way, the relationship would be over.  Ultimately, he could resist, and I left.

In that particular case she said that she got angry because of her thinking about me and leaving the meal for me while I didn't appreciate it. She was mad that she'd put me before herself. I don't know if that's the deeper meaning?

[bbogdanov]

1 hour ago, Betterwithout said:

Firstly, she is coming from a place of insecurity when you slings the insults, so it's a weakness on her part.  Some couples can throw and receive insults with humor and without cruelty and it's all part of the dance.   Usually someone who throws insults is already frustrated in the first place, and it might not be you that is that actual frustration point but something else in her life.
Either way, it looks like she doesn't have a lot of respect for you and that's a key issue if it snowballs.

Secondly, perhaps it is not about the food, the main issue could be communication between the two of you. 

In that particular case she said that she got angry because of her thinking about me and leaving the meal for me while I didn't appreciate it. She was mad that she'd put me before herself. I don't know if that's the main issue?

[Rose Mosse]

If you choose to keep living together, in future, don't ask to eat that food. Now you know that THIS particular dish doesn't taste good a day later so older/wiser here. 

For all other dishes like this dish, assume that it will NOT taste good the next day. 

If you have any doubts, assume that you will NOT like it the next day also. 

Try not to make this the hill to die on, the argument that lingers through the week, or the event that you both remember in the course of a break up. It's unnecessary that it's come to this point but it could be a learning experience for the both of you. 

If you even so much as THINK you may not like it the next day, practice being selfless and kind to your partner and offer it to her. 

[Seraphim]

She is mad because she was taken for granted. 

[bbogdanov]

1 hour ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I just read this:

How to deal with 'insults' from girlfriend

You don't.

 

Respect is an essential requirement in a relationship. It's a deal breaker. If your closest partner can't respect you and help you flourish and be your best self, then they're not the one for you.

You changed your mind and don't want to eat that meal? That's okay. She could have taken it and ate it herself at another moment. There's no reason to make drama out of this.

Don't put up with. Don't start walking on eggshells. She's shown you her temper, and that's just who she is. I'd out personally.

I feel like walking on eggshells when I eat her meal because if I don't like it and she asks me - I can't lie. Or if she sees me eating something else she'd know that I don't like her meal. I have to be cautious.

[itsallgrand]

29 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

 It is just a food to me and I'd like to be able to eat whatever I want freely without thinking about the consequences.

This won't fly even in a roommate situation. I do get the impression you aren't used to having to consider those around you very much. And that's a really difficult thing to change, it takes time and a serious willingness. 

How long have you lived together? 

It looks to me, from the outside, that this is a recipe for disaster to persist in this living arrangement. If she flies off the handle, that's likely to get worse, especially since you don't really "get" why she is so upset. I think she has valid reason to be upset, however, she can't change you. And that's what is tell her if she was posting. To leave, because imagine if she got pregnant! She'd be miserable miserable and you wouldn't see why its so hard for her. 

 

[bbogdanov]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Way too much too soon. Whose place is it or do you co-lease or co-own? Why aren't You cooking or doing more around the house? Yes, stop insulting her cooking. Cook yourself or get take out. Move out you're incompatible and you're picking too many fights.

We rented the place. I do everything around the house. Cooking - rarely. I don't insult her cooking, I just don't lie if she asks me if I like it or not.

[Seraphim]

2 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

We rented the place. I do everything around the house. Cooking - rarely. I don't insult her cooking, I just don't lie if she asks me if I like it or not.

You are not understanding what constitutes an insult. When you don’t eat what people put effort into to do for you that is an insult wether you want to admit it or not. 

[bbogdanov]

43 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

I'd like to know too @bbogdanov

 

She does most of the food. We decided to live together because we both wanted it.

[Batya33]

15 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

She does most of the food. We decided to live together because we both wanted it.

Wanted it for what reason? Emotional commitment? Financial? To plan an eventual marriage? Tell her you apologize about being so picky about food and from now on you will make and buy your own food because her food is great and it's your issue.

[Kwothe28]

14 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I don't want to say anything like a kid, I just want to be able to eat (in that particular case) whatever I like without it being a problem.

And yet you created one. Because, again, her cooking stuff for you and you complaining is a recipe for disaster. You are not living alone anymore. Your mom and dad(dunno with who you lived before her) would maybe tolerate that kind of behavior because they have too, they are your parents. And you could do stuff like that when you lived with them or when you were alone. Your girlfriend, roomate, anyone who you decide to live with, would not tolerate that behavior. She deals with it in the wrong way by hurling insults at you, but you saying how her cooking is bad sometimes, created the argument you described here. She cooks for you only for you to complain how "you cant eat what you want without being a problem". Guess what? You created a problem by complaining. 

27 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

I got to the point that I now fear her asking me how I find the meal or seeing me eat something else, I don't want to insult her that way, let alone explicitly telling her the meal is bad (like your point here).

Repeat after me: "Meal is fine dear."

Also, what do you think you are doing by saying to her how you dont like some of her dishes?

Again, living with somebody requires adjustments. You are not alone anymore. As my long-time married friend says "Sometimes you need to learn to not say anything even if you want to". Not everything will be as you want to be. If you cant learn that, you are better alone. Sadly, I think you are really pampered. And that is what makes you incapable of even admiting that you are also a problem here and incapable of changing for the sake of more healthy relationship with your girlfriend. So if you cant adjust, then just leave. Than you can cook for yourself, buy food you want and everything else. That should be up to your taste lol

[DancingFool]

13 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

She does most of the food. We decided to live together because we both wanted it.

What's in bold is clearly an aspect of your relationship dynamic/living arrangement that needs to change. You and her have different tastes when it comes to food. She probably puts a lot of effort into that and you don't like the result and don't appreciate the effort. So she stews in resentment until she explodes and then you seem surprised about the situation. Stop the whole thing. You do your food, let her take care of her food. End of. That way she can stop wasting her effort on that and you can stop walking on eggshells and do whatever you wish with your food. You are a grown man - feed yourself.

Also, being called out for being selfish might hurt, but you need to pay attention. Selfish people make for poor partners precisely because they take a lot of what their partner does for granted and don't give as much as they get. So make a point of showing her that you do appreciate her regularly.

In this argument, you are not the victim of anyone except yourself and your own selfishness. Truth hurts, but instead of running away, be better and work on yourself.

[DarkCh0c0]

Wait... Why don't you cook?

She's not justified in insulting you or calling you name for sure. That is not acceptable for whatever reason.

But, why don't you cook? You can't complain about food so much when it's someone else putting in all the hard work. Is this an arrangement you both agreed on? What other than the food triggers her anger?

[Lambert]

2 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

That's my opinion too - people are their true selves when they are emotional and pour out what they really think. That's why I am sad when such things happen... I don't necessarily have to have what I want. If I want something I will try to get it but it isn't a fixed idea. I did tell her that I don't like how she argues and it is not the first time, I am honest and don't hide my opinion. But it still happens and she admits it is some flaw of hers but nothing comes out of it.

Well... does she try to improve her behavior? that's the only thing that matters. if a person admits they're a criminal but continues to steal from you, does that help? 

I'm so over people that excuse their bad behavior by saying things like,  well I can't help it,  I'm a hot head,  I'm a scorpio..... whatever.   that's all just excuses so that they don't have to do anything. 

That's not good enough.  I'm able to control what I do and say, others can, too.  They should at least be trying. The solution to your flaws is not me to accept them when they hurt me. That's not love. 

[mical]

5 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I ate a little bit but didn't really enjoy it this time so I got myself something else from the fridge. She got mad

If you don’t like something you DONT have to eat it. Just be polite  about it…

The last girl I lived with was pretty much vegetarian and I’m more a carnivore that can eat steak 🥩 for breakfast lunch and dinner…

There were many times she would ask if I want some risotto and I’d just politely decline and have something else (I don’t like to rice) She’d usually smile or laugh about it and we’d still have a dinner together and all was fine. She really likes Prosecco so I’d at least have that with her. She was such a cool awesome nice girl!!

But I “briefly” dated someone prior that would nag and nag and nag about the most trivial things and had a temper, so let’s just say I’m so happy I quickly ended that relationship!!

 

5 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

She is really raging in such moments

 

Sounds like she has anger management issues 

 

5 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

she hates distancing and gets even angrier.

 

That sounds horrible 

 

5 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

she has this habit of bursting out almost incontrollably and sometimes uses insulting words (there was once a case where she called me "idiot",

 

Very unacceptable.

My boss said anytime his wife starts to argue with him says “you can go argue with yourself” and goes for a long motorcycle ride 😂😂😂

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I feel like walking on eggshells when I eat her meal because if I don't like it and she asks me - I can't lie. Or if she sees me eating something else she'd know that I don't like her meal. 

Walk to the supermarket and cook your own. Walk to the fast food place and eat your own. Walk to the take out place and take home your own.

That way you don't have to walk on eggs.🥚🚶‍♂️🍔🚶‍♂️🍗🚶‍♂️

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

We rented the place. Cooking - rarely. I don't insult her cooking, I just don't lie if she asks me if I like it or not.

[Lookingforadvice7777]

HUH? I'm totally at a loss. He's selfish (!) for not wanting her leftovers on second thought? Huh??? He literally gave the food back to her. Eating a bite from the food doesn't ruin the food. They've lived together for a year, I'm sure they've eaten after each other a million times I'm sure. Lol, this is so funny.

To me, in that scenario, you did nothing wrong. Your girlfriend sounds like she reacts over the top to situations.