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How to deal with 'insults' from girlfriend


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I've been in a relationship with my gf for an year now (we live together) and there were several occasions when we had a fight over some petty (from my point of view, though) things which got her really pissed off and angry. 

She is really raging in such moments and tends to act a little bit over the top (my opinion, again).

The latest situation: we discussed the dinner and there was a serving for one person left from the previous evening so I asked her if I could have it and she could eat something different (I am selfish sometimes, especially when it comes to food). I ate a little bit but didn't really enjoy it this time (didn't find it tasty at that moment) so I got myself something else from the fridge. She got mad that I didn't eat it because she'd made a sacrifice and had left it for me when she could had eaten it. She angrily called me "a pampered boy" and a person that "was being spoiled" through most of his life and left the kitchen. I felt terrible and insulted and wanted to distance myself (I need alone time in such moments, that's my way of dealing with pain) which leads to a vicious cycle because she hates distancing and gets even angrier.

There were couple of times in the past when I didn't like some of her dishes, for example, or other things which got us into a fight and she has this habit of bursting out almost incontrollably and sometimes uses insulting words (there was once a case where she called me "idiot", I don't remember the exact reason).

I feel awful for couple of days when such things happen. We are greatly damaging the relationship this way (at least that's what I am feeling) to the point that I outright offered her to leave. I struggle to find my way back to her after such arguments because I feel really insulted by words. She really apologizes usually but it's like I am seeing two different persons - the ordinary one and the angry one.

Am I exaggerating things and how can I cope with my feelings of hurt so we can enjoy our relationship? Am I being too dramatic and how can I be more thick-skinned?

Thank you!

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No, you do not have to be more “thick skinned”. She’s very rude and abusive to you despite you acting a bit spoiled in that one instance. If you know someone would want to eat something and usually keeps their word while you have more of a habit of not eating it the next day or even a chance of doing so, why on earth wouldn’t you let her have it? Don’t be so selfish next time. 

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Maybe you guys are not ready to live together? I would be annoyed too if someone asked to eat the last portion of something I wanted and then took a few bites and said nahhhh and started making something else. That is a bit spoiled. Being called pamper and spoiled is heart breaking ? 
 

Nope, it is not time to live together. 

Edited by Seraphim
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I think being able to argue without name calling and keeping the respect level high are important components in any relationship.

I have dealt with many people- friends, family, romantic relationships - that can't communicate at a mature level. They go to snarky comments, name calling and then blame it all on being mad. 

For me, this is a deal breaker.  The way people act when they are emotional says a lot about them.  I might not end a relationship with a family member or a friend but it does limit the level of relationship I have with them and I will pull away. These people just aren't my people. You know? And for my romantic partner to act this way would be the end the relationship. 

I know enough to know you can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.  

Sometimes you have to look at your life. Because right now is life.  Your girlfriend is abusive and mean. 

You might be a spoiled guy, but that's on you to decide.  Is it really loving to go to name calling over leftovers? And why do you have to have what you want? Are you this way all the time? 

You can only fix yourself and you can decide someone isn't right for you. these aren't mutually exclusive nor are they necessarily connected.

If you don't like how she argues, tell her. If you can't, that says a lot. 

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I think she's got anger issues and may need some help to learn to control her temper.  I see why she would be annoyed you didnt finish the leftovers but really she could have finished it when you decided you didnt want it!  Not had a hissy fit.  I find her reaction to be mean and immature.  

She is going to push you right out the door if she doesn't learn how to communicate without name calling and getting mad when things dont suit her.  I agree, you shouldn't be living together.

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I think its important that you both share your fair share of blame in the situations you mentioned. 

She has over the top reactions and there is no need for name calling. Its something that you shouldnt need to deal with and develop "thick skin" for. 

On the other hand you are pampered. To just say like a little kid "Nah, I took a bite but will take something else" is a definition of that. Also, most of people I know would just say to you that, if you dont like their cooking, you can make something yourself or buy something else now or tomorrow. But nah, you ate her cooking but then complained about it. She prepared something for you and you didnt like her cooking. Its like you are looking for an argument lol. 

Living with somebody requires certain adjustments. That means that you wont get everything you want every time and that you would need to tolerate some stuff. You cant tolerate her being rude for example, that is over the top. But badly prepared meal every now and then, you can certanly brush it off and dont complain about it. Sadly, you are pampered so you cant really comprehend that your actions are not something that should be done. So you cant adjust on the other person who is also inperfect on her own way. And that creates an argument. So work on yourself, because, again, I dont know anyone who would tolerate your pampered butt criticizing their cooking skills. Again, if you cant see how is that a big "no-no" from your side and that you need to change that, than I dunno what to tell you.

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27 minutes ago, Seraphim said:

To me be being called spoiled and pampered isn’t abusive . It is an opinion. EVERYTHING is abusive nowadays which leads to people not being able to handle the slightest bit of confrontation. Apologize to each other and move on . Name calling is a whole different level. I would call someone selfish and pampered who took two bites of something I wanted and then said nahhhh I am not feeling it. 
 

Maybe it is because I was raised in a time where it didn’t matter “ if you were feeing it “ Food has never been something we just throw away because we don’t feel like it that day. 

 

Agree. Especially on throwing food away. Definitely disrespectful and frowned upon in my house. 

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Often times the thing you are arguing about isn't really the root of what's troubling you.   Had you both been better connected and in a good place, the issue with the food would appear silly. 

If you were to dig deeper, would there be something else that is causing the tension that shows itself in this way?

I dated someone who leaned towards using insulting words to express what he was feeling.  It was a deal breaker.  I warned him a few times that he was entitled to how he felt but if he couldn't express it in a mature, respectful way, the relationship would be over.  Ultimately, he could resist, and I left.

Edited by reinventmyself
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Firstly, she is coming from a place of insecurity when you slings the insults, so it's a weakness on her part.  Some couples can throw and receive insults with humor and without cruelty and it's all part of the dance.   Usually someone who throws insults is already frustrated in the first place, and it might not be you that is that actual frustration point but something else in her life.
Either way, it looks like she doesn't have a lot of respect for you and that's a key issue if it snowballs.


Secondly, perhaps it is not about the food, the main issue could be communication between the two of you. 

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I just read this:

How to deal with 'insults' from girlfriend

You don't.

 

Respect is an essential requirement in a relationship. It's a deal breaker. If your closest partner can't respect you and help you flourish and be your best self, then they're not the one for you.

You changed your mind and don't want to eat that meal? That's okay. She could have taken it and ate it herself at another moment. There's no reason to make drama out of this.

1 hour ago, bbogdanov said:

she has this habit of bursting out almost incontrollably and sometimes uses insulting words (there was once a case where she called me "idiot", I don't remember the exact reason).

Don't put up with. Don't start walking on eggshells. She's shown you her temper, and that's just who she is. I'd out personally.

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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Share the blame. My husband knows to just eat quietly and not say how awful it is because that's called manners. As for the left overs, let her have them, and make your own food. Anf get off yer duff and make her a meal once in awhile. Share in the responsibility. I think you both are just being a little insensitive to each other....respect is an important part of a relationship. Teach yourself to respect, and she will then learn too. 

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2 hours ago, bbogdanov said:

I've been in a relationship with my gf for an year now (we live together) . I need alone time in such moments, that's my way of dealing with pain

There were couple of times in the past when I didn't like some of her dishes, for example, or other things which got us into a fight

Way too much too soon. Whose place is it or do you co-lease or co-own? Why aren't You cooking or doing more around the house? Yes, stop insulting her cooking. Cook yourself or get take out. Move out you're incompatible and you're picking too many fights.

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1 hour ago, Rose Mosse said:

No, you do not have to be more “thick skinned”. She’s very rude and abusive to you despite you acting a bit spoiled in that one instance. If you know someone would want to eat something and usually keeps their word while you have more of a habit of not eating it the next day or even a chance of doing so, why on earth wouldn’t you let her have it? Don’t be so selfish next time. 

I really wanted to have that dish because I had eaten the same food the previous evening but I didn't find it tasty the 2nd time, it wasn't on purpose. I will take a note.

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

Maybe you guys are not ready to live together? I would be annoyed too if someone asked to eat the last portion of something I wanted and then took a few bites and said nahhhh and started making something else. That is a bit spoiled. Being called pamper and spoiled is heart breaking ? 
 

Nope, it is not time to live together. 

We are living together for almost an year now, what would we do if we didn't live together? I didn't say it was a heart breaking to be called names but it isn't the first time I hear unpleasant words and I find it unfair. That's why I am asking here for advice, I can't control my emotions and I feel terrible after such a fight.

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1 hour ago, Lambert said:

I think being able to argue without name calling and keeping the respect level high are important components in any relationship.

I have dealt with many people- friends, family, romantic relationships - that can't communicate at a mature level. They go to snarky comments, name calling and then blame it all on being mad. 

For me, this is a deal breaker.  The way people act when they are emotional says a lot about them.  I might not end a relationship with a family member or a friend but it does limit the level of relationship I have with them and I will pull away. These people just aren't my people. You know? And for my romantic partner to act this way would be the end the relationship. 

I know enough to know you can't change the people around you, but you can change the people around you.  

Sometimes you have to look at your life. Because right now is life.  Your girlfriend is abusive and mean. 

You might be a spoiled guy, but that's on you to decide.  Is it really loving to go to name calling over leftovers? And why do you have to have what you want? Are you this way all the time? 

You can only fix yourself and you can decide someone isn't right for you. these aren't mutually exclusive nor are they necessarily connected.

If you don't like how she argues, tell her. If you can't, that says a lot. 

That's my opinion too - people are their true selves when they are emotional and pour out what they really think. That's why I am sad when such things happen... I don't necessarily have to have what I want. If I want something I will try to get it but it isn't a fixed idea. I did tell her that I don't like how she argues and it is not the first time, I am honest and don't hide my opinion. But it still happens and she admits it is some flaw of hers but nothing comes out of it.

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I agree with seraphim that abusive is a term thrown around far too much. She escalated things too fast and yes it’s not justifiable even if she had a bad day - but did she ? Yes she should argue or fight in a more fair way and not jump to calling you names. I would have been very annoyed too at your behavior. She made a sacrifice and you were dismissive about it. 
To me her mature response should have been “I felt frustrated when I planned an alternative for my dinner so you could have the leftovers and then you take a bite and change your mind “.  I’m all about trying the “I feel “ part first.  It’s not accusatory. It’s sharing how you feel especially if you’re having a bad day or hangry etc. 

Also it doesn’t put the other person on the defensive. They can hear better when you describe how you feel as opposed to “you are so selfish !”  
 

Perhaps you two can discuss this kind of approach. And yes you discounted her feelings. Some people are like “oh it’s just  food” and others are not.  I am not. she is not and apparently you are not given your choice not to eat it because you changed your mind.
 I look forward to meals i plan meals and I also keep an eye on limiting food waste by seeing what leftovers there are and what should be consumed first and what can be saved etc. 

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1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

I think she's got anger issues and may need some help to learn to control her temper.  I see why she would be annoyed you didnt finish the leftovers but really she could have finished it when you decided you didnt want it!  Not had a hissy fit.  I find her reaction to be mean and immature.  

She is going to push you right out the door if she doesn't learn how to communicate without name calling and getting mad when things dont suit her.  I agree, you shouldn't be living together.

I tried to state my opinion that she's got anger issues and she agrees to a certain degree. If we don't live together, though, what would we do?

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7 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

We are living together for almost an year now, what would we do if we didn't live together? I didn't say it was a heart breaking to be called names but it isn't the first time I hear unpleasant words and I find it unfair. That's why I am asking here for advice, I can't control my emotions and I feel terrible after such a fight.

You can control your reaction.  Why did you choose to live together? Did you both have the same reasons for living together ?  Who does most of the food prep ?

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2 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

That's my opinion too - people are their true selves when they are emotional and pour out what they really think. That's why I am sad when such things happen... I don't necessarily have to have what I want. If I want something I will try to get it but it isn't a fixed idea. I did tell her that I don't like how she argues and it is not the first time, I am honest and don't hide my opinion. But it still happens and she admits it is some flaw of hers but nothing comes out of it.

Be more specific “I don’t like when you insult me especially before even trying to communicate about what you are upset about “

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1 hour ago, Seraphim said:

To me be being called spoiled and pampered isn’t abusive . It is an opinion. EVERYTHING is abusive nowadays which leads to people not being able to handle the slightest bit of confrontation. Apologize to each other and move on . Name calling is a whole different level. I would call someone selfish and pampered who took two bites of something I wanted and then said nahhhh I am not feeling it. 
 

Maybe it is because I was raised in a time where it didn’t matter “ if you were feeing it “ Food has never been something we just throw away because we don’t feel like it that day. 

 

It's not abusive but I find it insulting. It attacks my personality and feels bad. It is just a food to me and I'd like to be able to eat whatever I want freely without thinking about the consequences.

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Just now, bbogdanov said:

It's not abusive but I find it insulting. It attacks my personality and feels bad. It is just a food to me and I'd like to be able to eat whatever I want freely without thinking about the consequences.

You attack her cooking and other things so her "insults" are a response to your abuse. Move out, it's the only solution. She's not your mother and doesn't have to cook for you. Can you move back home?

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Just now, bbogdanov said:

It's not abusive but I find it insulting. It attacks my personality and feels bad. It is just a food to me and I'd like to be able to eat whatever I want freely without thinking about the consequences.

Then buy your own food and prepare you own food. Keep it separate from her food. She feels differently.  So would I.  

For example if we have food my husband knows I like he won’t finish it without first checking with me.  He won’t take food that he knows I bought for myself without checking with me.  
He cares about food much less than I do but he cares about me and he accommodates my different approach.  Similarly if I make my husband’s favorites that aren’t my favorites I leave it for him. I don’t take from his take out food without asking. He dislikes peanut butter so if I buy treats with peanut butter I make sure I buy treats without so he can enjoy.  And so on. 

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5 minutes ago, bbogdanov said:

It's not abusive but I find it insulting. It attacks my personality and feels bad. It is just a food to me and I'd like to be able to eat whatever I want freely without thinking about the consequences.

Then make all your own food and don’t expect anyone to sacrifice for you. Buy and make all your own food. 

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