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How to deal with 'insults' from girlfriend


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bbogdanov, I must admit I'm a little biased against you, because I remember your topics in this forum from several years ago (since we come from the same country) where you indeed exhibited some selfish behaviour. Which of course doesn't mean you didn't improve since, so sorry about that.

I think you two are having some really bad case of miscommunication and/or incompatibility. I feel like it's not about that certain dish (or the cooking at all) and it's not about your girlfriend having anger issues (if it's really as you say - just a little over the top).

Are you two able to talk at all? When the storm is over to sit down together - you letting her know that certain (or all) name-calling deeply hurts and insults you and why? Asking her why she felt so insulted herself to start calling you those names and really listen to what she has to say? Telling her that, to deal with arguments, you need some space to reflect before you're able to discuss it? That you feel helpless against outbursts and as a result it makes you walk on eggshells around her? And so on...

If you've done it and yet you're in this situation, maybe you're just not good for each other. If you haven't done it and you still have love for each other - do it. You don't need thick skin. Just vulnerability, honesty and listening, both of you.

What does offering her to leave mean? To move out? That's a little dramatic, yes. So you did what you did, she got angry, called you pampered and you told her to move out of the place you rent together, is that what happened? Hope not.

If you don't learn how to communicate with each other the petty mundane things (plenty of those when living together) will indeed turn to huge fights and dissolve the relationship.

Anyway, I wish you luck and that it's some sort of bad communication which you're able to work on.

 

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1 hour ago, Cherylyn said:

It's not always what you say.  It's HOW you say it.  (Or, if electronic, HOW you write it.) 

Or whether, given the seriousness and emotions in the topic you choose not to write and show your partner you respect him enough not to hide behind a screen - just by way of example. The OP has a partner who wants to be right more than close. 

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1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Or whether, given the seriousness and emotions in the topic you choose not to write and show your partner you respect him enough not to hide behind a screen - just by way of example. The OP has a partner who wants to be right more than close. 

Most people prefer to be treated right in order to feel close to a person.

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Some relationships are salvageable and can weather the storm IF a mutual, mature, calm, emotionally intelligent, effectively communicative discussion can be had.  Many times an apology is helpful to soothe wounds.  Then it is doable.  It is possible to have humble agreements toward resolutions, amends, sincere changes and efforts for the better. 

However,  some relationships or friendships are beyond hope with regards to arguing with a person who has renounced the use of reason which is like administering medicine to the dead. 

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33 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

Most people prefer to be treated right in order to feel close to a person.

I'm not talking about being treated right.  Sometimes there's a choice -is it better to be "right" or to be close -as in pick your battles and decide whether it is worth it to "win" an argument if it sacrifices the bond and connection. 

For example - husband insists 1 hour is enough to get to airport in time.  Wife doesn't agree and prefers to have a cushion to avoid racing through the airport/being stressed out. 

Wife ends up being right -it wasn't enough time, but they made the flight just in time.  Wife wants husband to validate that she was right -expressly- and husband obviously feels badly about all the stress and rushing.  However he insists that they would have made it in time had there not been an unexpected delay.  He is wrong.  She is right because the delay was foreseeable. 

So does she make an issue of telling him he needs to admit she was "right" or does she decide in the name of closeness- he already feels badly about the rushing -is it worth it to be validated and be right or is it worth it to let it go, sacrifice this validation of being right in order to have peace as a couple?  For example.  

If someone needs to be right more than they need to be close in even these sorts of situations that person's needs is going to harm closeness IMO. And in friendships too.

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35 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I'm not talking about being treated right.  Sometimes there's a choice -is it better to be "right" or to be close -as in pick your battles and decide whether it is worth it to "win" an argument if it sacrifices the bond and connection. 

For example - husband insists 1 hour is enough to get to airport in time.  Wife doesn't agree and prefers to have a cushion to avoid racing through the airport/being stressed out. 

Wife ends up being right -it wasn't enough time, but they made the flight just in time.  Wife wants husband to validate that she was right -expressly- and husband obviously feels badly about all the stress and rushing.  However he insists that they would have made it in time had there not been an unexpected delay.  He is wrong.  She is right because the delay was foreseeable. 

So does she make an issue of telling him he needs to admit she was "right" or does she decide in the name of closeness- he already feels badly about the rushing -is it worth it to be validated and be right or is it worth it to let it go, sacrifice this validation of being right in order to have peace as a couple?  For example.  

If someone needs to be right more than they need to be close in even these sorts of situations that person's needs is going to harm closeness IMO. And in friendships too.

If there's a chronic pattern of resorting to habitual name calling and labels such as:  "You're an idiot, you're spoiled, you're a pampered boy" and other unkind descriptions (sometimes derogatory - could be you're a liar, you're a thief or other derogatory comments), it's not a matter of being right, picking your battles, biting your tongue and looking the other way and letting it go.  Doing all that is allowing offenses and wounds to fester and gives free passes and excuses for unacceptable behaviors.  It's enabling unacceptable and intolerable behaviors and gives perpetrators permission to continue on their same track because there are zero consequences.  It's "you're quiet so I'll continue to do as I please."  Sooner or later, there will come a time when a person had enough and will explode.  IMO it's better to nip it in the bud, take care of issues, readjust and reprogram the relationship which needs fixing.  Discussions need to be calm, emotionally intelligent, lucid and articulate so both parties can patch things up.  Let the other person know that they can't continue on this same repetitive, hurtful path because patience wears thin and no one enjoys being tested sorely.  After a while, it feels like tiresome inconsideration, disrespect, rudeness and unkindness.  Repeat this vicious cycle.  That's not love.  Same with friendships and relationships among family members and extended family members.

For the longest time, I had the patience of a saint.  I was taught the following:  Don't make waves, don't rock the boat, make sacrifices for the sake of peace, pick your battles, let it go, have thicker skin, don't unruffle your feathers, don't speak up, be quiet, look the other way, pretend I didn't hear it, ignore it, don't ruin it for everybody and remain stoic at the expense of selling my soul.  Never mind your dignity.  After letting it go forever, I got sick 'n tired of it because SOME people will not change for you unless you either speak up and see if there will be any sincere changes or I've had to dissolve and exit the farce of a relationship. 

This is what enforced healthy boundaries are. 

Some people need to be put back in their place, eat a huge slice of humble pie and behave themselves otherwise some people no longer wish to be with you.  They basically say to take a long walk on a short pier. 

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14 minutes ago, Cherylyn said:

If there's a chronic pattern of resorting to habitual name calling and labels such as:  "You're an idiot, you're spoiled, you're a pampered boy" and other unkind descriptions (sometimes derogatory - could be you're a liar, you're a thief or other derogatory comments), it's not a matter of being right, picking your battles, biting your tongue and looking the other way and letting it go.  Doing all that is allowing offenses and wounds to fester and gives free passes and excuses for unacceptable behaviors.  It's enabling unacceptable and intolerable behaviors and gives perpetrators permission to continue on their same track because there are zero consequences.  It's "you're quiet so I'll continue to do as I please."  Sooner or later, there will come a time when a person had enough and will explode.  IMO it's better to nip it in the bud, take care of issues, readjust and reprogram the relationship which needs fixing.  Discussions need to be calm, emotionally intelligent, lucid and articulate so both parties can patch things up.  Let the other person know that they can't continue on this same repetitive, hurtful path because patience wears thin and no one enjoys being tested sorely.  After a while, it feels like tiresome inconsideration, disrespect, rudeness and unkindness.  Repeat this vicious cycle.  That's not love.  Same with friendships and relationships among family members and extended family members.

For the longest time, I had the patience of a saint.  I was taught the following:  Don't make waves, don't rock the boat, make sacrifices for the sake of peace, pick your battles, let it go, have thicker skin, don't unruffle your feathers, don't speak up, be quiet, look the other way, pretend I didn't hear it, ignore it, don't ruin it for everybody and remain stoic at the expense of selling my soul.  Never mind your dignity.  After letting it go forever, I got sick 'n tired of it because SOME people will not change for you unless you either speak up and see if there will be any sincere changes or I've had to dissolve and exit the farce of a relationship. 

This is what enforced healthy boundaries are. 

Some people need to be put back in their place, eat a huge slice of humble pie and behave themselves otherwise some people no longer wish to be with you.  They basically say to take a long walk on a short pier. 

I appreciate your input.  Besides the point of what I wrote.  I tried to explain once what I meant by close or right.  It's not a productive use of time for me to explain again and what you wrote is interesting and not related to what I wrote.  You did relate it somewhat just took it to unrecognizeable extremes IMO.

I just googled what I meant and I'm typically not a fan of Huffpost articles but post it here as it might be helpful to the OP -I like how it is written and how it achieves the balance I more inartfully explained:  5 Things Much More Important than Being Right | HuffPost Life

 

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16 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I appreciate your input.  Besides the point of what I wrote.  I tried to explain once what I meant by close or right.  It's not a productive use of time for me to explain again and what you wrote is interesting and not related to what I wrote.  You did relate it somewhat just took it to unrecognizeable extremes IMO.

I just googled what I meant and I'm typically not a fan of Huffpost articles but post it here as it might be helpful to the OP -I like how it is written and how it achieves the balance I more inartfully explained:  5 Things Much More Important than Being Right | HuffPost Life

 

Batya33.  Thank you.

I understand what's more important than being right.  I've already experienced it for so many years.  I've lived and breathed it until I gagged on it.  There came a point where being right and the principle of the matter means a lot to me nowadays.  When I was younger, I was extremely silent regarding name calling, labels, derogatory comments, gaslighting and I basically felt deflated and defeated all the time.  I sacrificed everything for the sake of peace and for the good of the whole at the expense of selling my soul.  I felt like an idiot all the while.  I felt like a doormat.  I'm not like that anymore.  Because I no longer acquiesce, it's the most liberating feeling of strength and toughness which I never thought I had. 

People generally don't like it whenever you squawk because you're considered noisy, a troublemaker,  trying to garner attention,  dramatic and again here comes the same repetitive labels, name calling, gaslighting and around and around it goes just like a carousel. 

Speaking up for the sake of principle or being 'right,' does several things.  First, the other person realizes what they did wasn't kind, acceptable, respectable, tolerable and appropriate.  If you're lucky, you might receive a sincere apology and humble efforts to make amends.  Or, if you're unlucky, you'll receive backlash, heated arguments, gaslighting again and they'll pummel you until you surrender.  Or, if you're brave enough, you'll enforce healthy, very strong boundaries.  Or, as a last resort, you're left with no other recourse other than to dissolve and exit the relationship towards permanent estrangement.  Those are MY choices.

I wasn't referring to your airport story.  I'm referring to being called names, repetitive labels, gaslighting, psychological warfare and problems which won't go away unless action is taken. 

As for the OP, you have options regarding how you navigate your relationship.  Either try to make it work with heart-to-heart discussions or realize both of you are incompatible and better suited to someone else who shares your same viewpoint, beliefs and values regarding how to treat each other like decent human beings.

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Just now, Cherylyn said:

Batya33.  Thank you.

I understand what's more important than being right.  I've already experienced it for so many years.  I've lived and breathed it until I gagged on it.  There came a point where being right and the principle of the matter means a lot to me nowadays.  When I was younger, I was extremely silent regarding name calling, labels, derogatory comments, gaslighting and I basically felt deflated and defeated all the time.  I sacrificed everything for the sake of peace and for the good of the whole at the expense of selling my soul.  I felt like an idiot all the while.  I felt like a doormat.  I'm not like that anymore.  Because I no longer acquiesce, it's the most liberating feeling of strength and toughness which I never thought I had. 

People generally don't like it whenever you squawk because you're considered noisy, a troublemaker,  trying to garner attention,  dramatic and again here comes the same repetitive labels, name calling, gaslighting and around and around it goes just like a carousel. 

Speaking up for the sake of principle or being 'right,' does several things.  First, the other person realizes what they did wasn't kind, acceptable, respectable, tolerable and appropriate.  If you're lucky, you might receive a sincere apology and humble efforts to make amends.  Or, if you're unlucky, you'll receive backlash, heated arguments, gaslighting again and they'll pummel you until you surrender.  Or, if you're brave enough, you'll enforce healthy, very strong boundaries.  Or, as a last resort, you're left with no other recourse other than to dissolve and exit the relationship towards permanent estrangement.  Those are MY choices.

I wasn't referring to your airport story.  I'm referring to being called names, repetitive labels, gaslighting, psychological warfare and problems which won't go away unless action is taken. 

As for the OP, you have options regarding how you navigate your relationship.  Either try to make it work with heart-to-heart discussions or realize both of you are incompatible and better suited to someone else who shares your same viewpoint, beliefs and values regarding how to treat each other like decent human beings.

I see that you wanted to respond again to what I wrote.  Thanks for your response.

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I'd recommend just doing whatever you need to do to make her happy. If it were me, I would have just eaten the food you said you were going to whether you liked it or not. As for the insults, again I'd just suggest rolling with the verbal punches. If you really like her and want to be with her, enduring some insults will be worth it. 

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