Need to break up with him. Don’t know how to do it.

[TacticalLinguine]

Hi all, 

Thanks for reading. 

I’m 23F, have been together with 25M for 6 months now and this just isn’t the relationship for me. We’re not compatible, he’s broken my trust here and there, I’d be happier alone. 
 

Problem is, I’ve never been the one to break up with somebody. And he worries me. He’s very codependent, he’s said before that if he lost me he couldn’t move on, after his last relationship ended, he went straight into self-destruction mode. He struggles being alone, I know he’s a grown man and ultimately not my responsibility, but I still care deeply for him. And I want him to be okay. 
 

I’ve been biding my time, but I know it’s better if I do it soon, so he can move on. How do I do this? We won’t be able to do it face to face so it has to be over the phone. I also know that he will offer his friendship, and while I would love that, I don’t think it would be good for him. So do we just go no contact? And never talk again? 
 

Thank you. 

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I’m 23F, have been together with 25M for 6 months now and this just isn’t the relationship for me. He struggles being alone, I know he’s a grown man and ultimately not my responsibility, but I still care deeply for him. And I want him to be okay. 

Sorry this is happening. Keep it simple and a "It's me, not you" type thing. That way it's not negotiable. Tell him you're not a match. Yes then delete and block him from everything.

You're right he's a grown man. But emotional vampires like this quickly find a new blood meal, so don't worry about him. Set yourself free.

It's not your job to make sure he's ok He has family, friends, doctors, therapists, psychologists for that.

[Andrina]

1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

he’s said before that if he lost me he couldn’t move on, after his last relationship ended, he went straight into self-destruction mode.

This is emotional manipulation, and it's somewhat working on you and likely has delayed you pulling the plug sooner.

I guess you're long distance, so I suppose with someone like him, a breakup will be easier over the phone since you can hang up if he starts begging, etc. If he threatens suicide, I'd tell him you'll be calling 911 and giving them his address.

Don't let manipulative people control you. It's absolutely right to break up with someone like this, as everyone deserves a mentally healthy partner.

I'd say, "This relationship isn't working for me. I wish you the best." 

I'm sure you've already communicated everything that hasn't worked for you, so don't let him keep you on the line longer than necessary. If he tries to talk over you, you talk over him and say, "I'm going no contact for both of our benefit. Good luck."

And then block. It's not a cruel thing, and yes, best not to stay friends. He survived before he met you six months ago, and he'll survive after you leave. Take care.

[DarkCh0c0]

I agree with @Wiseman2.

Tell him you're not feeling this and don't go into any detail even if he asks. Just say you don't want to talk about this and you gtg and wish him well. Afterwards block him from contacting you.

He sounds highly manipulative and toxic, so expect fake tears/fake promises/ threats. And we all know he can very well take care of himself, so don't worry about that. He'll just be upset cause he can't find a woman who puts up with his manipulation and he'd have to start over.  So you need to rip the band aid and let him go quickly. Don't give him even the time to guilt you or have conversation. Be very brief and hang up then block. Tell any common friend to not relay his messages to you.

Good job on looking out for yourself and recognizing the toxic signs. You'll do well. Take care!

[Kwothe28]

I think he is more on "Drama Queen" side than anything else. There are people who are like that. Be respectful, do it in person, say that you are not compatible and that you have a lot to deal with so you cant continue, dont offer friendship and go "No contact". Not just because of his sake, but because of yours as there is a high probability that he wouldnt leave you alone.

After that, its really not on you. Whether he uses alcohol, any other substances, or just indulges in destructive behavior toward himself because of that, that is on him. Because he chose to deal with it in destructive way. Not because you decided to break up something that you found incompatible.

[catfeeder]

I'm sorry you're going through this, it's not easy. At your age I also had difficulty breaking things off with people.

If I could give my younger self advice, it would be to develop the life skills of objectivity and dating resiliency. This means learning how to adopt the temporary role of 'bad guy' in order to extricate myself from bad relationships.

We don't 'owe' anyone the suffering of staying tethered, especially after being manipulated by an emotionally imbalanced person. That's the opposite of a reason to stay, it's an instant reason to break ties and give them the 'gift' of not enabling them.

You'd be surprised how well adult humans can step up for themselves IF they opt to do so, and if not, this only reinforces your gut feeling that such a person is NOT someone to attempt a friendship with--he will manipulate you back into the very place you don't want to be.

Head high, write more if it helps, and read my sig.

[Cherylyn]

He's not your responsibility regarding what he does with his life after you break up.  If he's self-destructive, that's on him and not on your conscience.  Whatever he does is his own doing.  He can either do the best he can with his life or play the blame game and have you live with that type of guilt trip which you shouldn't and won't.  I agree, he's a grown man and he will do what he will with his life which has nothing to do with you.

You break up with him but acting swiftly.  Now is better than later.  No sense dragging this out.  Get it over and done with.  Tell him the truth.  Tell him that both of you are not compatible, he's broken your trust here and there and that you prefer to be alone.  Tell it like it is.  Be simple.

I don't think it's a good idea to accept his offer of friendship.  It wouldn't be healthy.  It's better to go no contact and go your separate ways permanently.  Be respectful yet firm and brief.  Wish him well and say good-bye.  Let it be final.  Then move on with your life as does he. 

[MissCanuck]

You aren't responsible for his emotions, nor his inability to manage them. 

So while you can certainly be kind and respectful when you end it, the rest is up to him.  

[SooSad33]

19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

go "No contact". Not just because of his sake, but because of yours as there is a high probability that he wouldnt leave you alone.

After that, its really not on you. Whether he uses alcohol, any other substances, or just indulges in destructive behavior toward himself because of that, that is on him. Because he chose to deal with it in destructive way. Not because you decided to break up something that you found incompatible.

I agree with this.

It's only been 6 months and you don't find this is for you.

Then, you be honest and don't let it drag on anymore than it has to.

Whatever problems he has, are his own.  Not yours.

And yeah, be best to not agree to a 'friendship', for his own good. It leaves a connection, which isn't good , especially on him, if he's felt some sort of 'emotional connection'.

IMO, the guy needs some prof help.  No partner can solve these problems of his.

Be honest & be done. Gd luck!

[TacticalLinguine]

Thanks everyone for your advice. 
 

I thought I’d update. I broke up with him just now and I’m just heartbroken. Despite everything, he was good to me, there for me always and he matters. Even though I went into it thinking I’ll be short and blunt, we ended up staying on the phone for almost an hour, him crying most of the time and me being quiet. I feel terrible for having to do this, the guilt is just consuming me at this point. I haven’t blocked him, I just feel like I can’t do it. I think he might do it himself. 
 

I try find comfort in thinking now he’ll be able to move on, and find what’s right for him. He has a therapy appointment tomorrow, I hope he will get some help for the self-esteem issues and other things. He kept telling me he still loves me and forgives me. Even though that’s kind, it makes me feel so much worse. 
 

I don’t really know what to do now. Never seeing him again scares me. 
 

Thanks for reading. 

[Betterwithout]

It's never fun being the breakupper, or breakuppee, and you know you did the right thing for both of you.  You will both be able to learn, heal, grow and move on with your lives.

 

[Cherylyn]

19 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Thanks everyone for your advice. 
 

I thought I’d update. I broke up with him just now and I’m just heartbroken. Despite everything, he was good to me, there for me always and he matters. Even though I went into it thinking I’ll be short and blunt, we ended up staying on the phone for almost an hour, him crying most of the time and me being quiet. I feel terrible for having to do this, the guilt is just consuming me at this point. I haven’t blocked him, I just feel like I can’t do it. I think he might do it himself. 
 

I try find comfort in thinking now he’ll be able to move on, and find what’s right for him. He has a therapy appointment tomorrow, I hope he will get some help for the self-esteem issues and other things. He kept telling me he still loves me and forgives me. Even though that’s kind, it makes me feel so much worse. 
 

I don’t really know what to do now. Never seeing him again scares me. 
 

Thanks for reading. 

I'm sorry.  No one wants to feel dumped nor enjoys feeling dumped.  You don't enjoy initiating the breakup either. 

Even though most of us remember the good times,  unfortunately, the bad times outweigh the good times in any and all relationships and it applies to friendships as well. 

I'm sorry you feel terrible.  It was for the best to get it over and done with.  Better sooner than later and no sense dragging a hopeless relationship out.

Don't feel guilty.  It wasn't meant to be.  Even though both of you don't see this now, you actually did both of yourselves a favor by breaking up so both of you can move on for real instead of merely wishing to move on.

It's good that he has his therapy appointment tomorrow, he forgives and loves you.  He's showing you his maturity and hopefully his words will match his actions and he'll exercise discretion from now on. 

It's scary to end it permanently.  Allow time to heal your old wounds.  The more time passes as in weeks, months and eventually years, the more he'll become a distant memory and blur which is a healthy way to continue moving forward with your life. 

As long as both of you treat each other with respect as you part ways, both of you will handle this maturely and with grace. 

[hub49]

It will hurt him now, but will be far worse if you wait.  Suppose you stay with him longer and he starts to think the relationship has a future, only to learn you want out because this is not a good match for you.  As others have stated, I would simply say, "I don't feel this is working for me, and I would rather not be in a relationship right now."

[TacticalLinguine]

Update of sorts. 
 

Been broken up for some time now, first couple of days were hard but after getting the chance to clear my head, I’ve had no regrets. I see now how unfair he was and still is.   

With that being said, I’ve grown bitter over the last week. I suddenly realised how many things he lied about, just now I found out he’d been lying about his work, income and business as well. He made up stories of how successful and great he was, how talented, all that. In reality it turns out he is a bum that lives at home for no good reason and isn’t doing anything to fix that. 

I’m mad because:

1) He knew very well how hurt I’d been due to people lying to me. He pretended to be so empathetic towards it, using it to build himself up and pretending to be “better”. 

2) I couldn’t have known he lied about these things + dumb things like his height, friendships and what not, but I still feel like a fool. I feel like I should have known when it took him 6 months to clean his room and years to launch a website for his business because he was busy with doing nothing.

I now have ANOTHER bad relationship under my belt. I have never had a good one where I was treated well, with honesty and respect. And I just don’t know what I can do better anymore? I’m not the naive person I used to be, and I still end up with complete and utter a**hats. 

A couple days ago I also got a notice that some goods will be arriving to my address soon. It was a purchase from a music store, I hadn’t bought anything, but I figured it was him so I asked to make sure. He confirmed, but wouldn’t tell me what it was and after I offered to return it, he rejected that offer. I’m fairly certain it’s a specific electric guitar + an amplifier, neither cheap. He says it was an oopsie as it was supposed to be a “birthday present”, which is ludicrous as my birthday is in two months and that guitar + amp would have shipped 1-3 days after placing the order. So yet another lie, and with a catch this time. I guess he thinks buying me something I’ve been saving up for will make me have a change of heart or something. 
 

Don’t know what the hell to do. 

[catfeeder]

3 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Don’t know what the hell to do. 

Thank you for thinking of us and updating, TL. You're clear that the gift is a way to keep you tethered. Even if you insist on giving it back, he's getting the attention he wants.

You can possibly refuse the delivery by tracking the package and cancelling it or speaking with the shipper's customer service.

If you're unable to refuse it, maybe you can return it--all without contacting the ex again.

Otherwise, I'd leave it boxed somewhere out of the way until a good answer strikes you. Maybe you'll wake up one morning with an inspiration for a place to donate it, or maybe you can leave it on ex's porch in an early morning drive-by. Minus a note.

While I can appreciate you resenting him and feeling sour, it's counter-productive to heap any projections onto your future. Thinking in terms of 'always' and 'never' tends to self-fulfill.

Why not, instead, decide that you've taken enough knocks in relationships to learn clearly what you DON'T want, and you're now officially promoting yourself beyond that lesson. Now you can get creative about raising your standards. You can screen carefully before involving yourself, because you've learned your fair share of red flags, and you're going to hold out for a GOOD match going forward--even if that means learning how to thrive solo for a while.

Head high, hang in there, and write more if it helps.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I offered to return it

I would return it regardless of whether he wants you to or not. 

6 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

I couldn’t have known he lied about these things + dumb things like his height, friendships and what not, but I still feel like a fool.

I am curious about a couple things here, OP. How did you not know that he lied about his height, or the fact that he lives with his parents? Was this a long-distance situation? Online? 

Regardless, you have done the right thing ending it. It appears he does not have his act together and isn't able to offer the sort of mature, adult relationship you would like. 

[Wiseman2]

On 6/21/2022 at 4:43 PM, TacticalLinguine said:

 We won’t be able to do it face to face so it has to be over the phone.

Have you ever met in person?

Stop communicating with him. Refuse the delivery of unwanted items. 

Is he involved in drugs or illegal activity?

 

 

 

[TacticalLinguine]

2 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I would return it regardless of whether he wants you to or not. 

I am curious about a couple things here, OP. How did you not know that he lied about his height, or the fact that he lives with his parents? Was this a long-distance situation? Online? 

Yes of course, sorry for not clarifying. We were long distance for 5 months and then met in person. I was very excited because I didn’t realise his pictures, everything was filtered and edited to make him look completely different. He even used a filter when video calling. So when we met, I was taken aback when he looked different, but I tried not to care. Even though he misled me, I still liked his personality. Until I realised that was completely different in person too. During those 5 months he pretended to be this good fun man, confident with goals, one who has a direction etc. In reality he was very awkward, clueless, scared to death when going outside, very self-absorbed and insecure. I felt like I had a child next to me. Which, fine, but I’m pissed off that he tried getting into a relationship when he can’t even comfortably exist in his own skin. And I’m pissed off I got dragged into this! 

53 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you ever met in person?

Stop communicating with him. Refuse the delivery of unwanted items. 

Is he involved in drugs or illegal activity?

Some answers above. I’ll see what I can do about the delivery, but considering I don’t have a tracking number, I don’t think there’s much I can do. 
 

He’s not involved in any of that from what I know. He talked about smoking pot which he never seemed to do when I was talking to him, guess he thought it was cool or something. I will say that I don’t feel comfortable in my home anymore. Even though he’s far away, I sometimes feel like he might show up. He did a similar thing when he was here, he was supposed to go home but on his way to the airport he just decided to come back. He just walked back into my house thinking it was some romantic gesture. 
 

I felt unhappy about that and found it weird, but my emotions were running high and I felt like I owed something to him after he did many nice things to me in person. 
 

Trying not to grow bitter about it all but damn this wasn’t supposed to happen. 

[Rose Mosse]

It’s ok to feel upset and put this behind you. He wanted you to get worked up and feel bad for him. 

You can install cameras on your property if it makes you feel safer. And inform your friends and family or trusted close friends of what has happened and report it to the police if he tries to trespass on your property or do anything illegal. 

Block and delete him from everything so that he can’t reach you or find you. Remove your contact details or adjust your privacy settings on all social media.

I’d donate the gift and find no reason to keep it at all. You offered to return it and he said no. You can also take it to a depot of the carrier and tell them it was missent to the wrong address and let them deal with sending it back to where it came from. If they won’t take it donate it to a local church or charity. 

[Wiseman2]

43 minutes ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Trying not to grow bitter about it all but damn this wasn’t supposed to happen. 

Ok. Make sure it doesn't happen again. 

Screen much better. That means no distance dating. If someone can't or won't meet in a timely fashion, it's a red flag.

Get a new fresh profile and recent pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local available real-life men.

Look for red flags and deal breakers early on and screen those out.

 

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Return or donate the gift, so it's out of your life and you can continue moving on from this. If that feeling of not being safe lingers, or increases, a camera, like Rose suggested, is a pretty easy and affordable fix that often brings peace of mind. 

Big picture, I'd say a lesson here is to do your dating in person, not over screens. It seems that, prior to him, you had an unfortunate experience with romance, so perhaps the screen/LDR aspect initially felt safe.

But there's a place where being so focused on safety can be more dangerous than learning to mitigate risks with more subtlety, kind of how driving super slow with your hands in a vice grip on a steering wheel is as likely to result in an accident than driving super fast. 

Can only speak for myself, but when I'm able to take away an important lesson from an unfortunate experience I find the gratitude for the growth spurt eclipses things in time. 

[Andrina]

What took you half of a year to learn about a long distance man might have come to light in a week or two with a local man. Yeah, life is too brief on the planet to waste like this. When I did OLD, with a goal of longterm, it took me 2 and a half years to meet the right one after countless catch and releases by me or the man. If I'd gone the LDR route, my search would have probably taken a decade or more, and I would've gone bankrupt with all the expenses LDRs entail, among other numerous cons.

I too made plenty of mistakes in dating, regardless, so give yourself a break that you're human, but do learn from your mistakes for your own good.

Why haven't you blocked him? You're delaying your closure, one of the reasons your emotions are so strong right now. You're keeping his presence in your life by communicating, and if you'd blocked him at the point of the breakup, he might not have sent you that expensive gift that you now have to deal with.

To take a proactive stance in your dating life, make a must-have list and a dealbreaker list and stick to them. That should give you a higher risk of success. Take care.

[catfeeder]

You can take the unopened package to the carrier's office and tell them you never ordered this and won't accept it. They will take it up with the shipper.

Consider changing your locks in case he duplicated your keys, set up a security system with a camera, and contact a local women's shelter or domestic violence group to be counseled on any available resources to thwart stalking. They might be able to help you with a private security company or include you in their watch networks.

Most of us learn by trial and error, so please don't be hard on yourself. However, I'd take from this that long distance dating makes you too vulnerable to manipulation, swindling or danger. It creates a false sense of intimacy with a stranger, and then positions you to interact too closely when you DO meet--even after you could have known within the first 5 minutes that you don't wish to spend any more time with this person.

That's where quick meets over a coffee with local people can be like a drive-by. You agree beforehand that neither can corner the other for a 'real' date on the spot, but either can contact the other afterward with an invite. If the answer is yes, the other responds, but if not, then no response is necessary. Grasp that there will be a LOT of 'no's,' and that's how it should be. This is about finding the needle in a haystack, so the goal is to screen people OUT rather than attempt dating with most.

Allow wrong matches to pass early.