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Need to break up with him. Don’t know how to do it.


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Hi all, 

Thanks for reading. 

I’m 23F, have been together with 25M for 6 months now and this just isn’t the relationship for me. We’re not compatible, he’s broken my trust here and there, I’d be happier alone. 
 

Problem is, I’ve never been the one to break up with somebody. And he worries me. He’s very codependent, he’s said before that if he lost me he couldn’t move on, after his last relationship ended, he went straight into self-destruction mode. He struggles being alone, I know he’s a grown man and ultimately not my responsibility, but I still care deeply for him. And I want him to be okay. 
 

I’ve been biding my time, but I know it’s better if I do it soon, so he can move on. How do I do this? We won’t be able to do it face to face so it has to be over the phone. I also know that he will offer his friendship, and while I would love that, I don’t think it would be good for him. So do we just go no contact? And never talk again? 
 

Thank you. 

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1 hour ago, TacticalLinguine said:

he’s said before that if he lost me he couldn’t move on, after his last relationship ended, he went straight into self-destruction mode.

This is emotional manipulation, and it's somewhat working on you and likely has delayed you pulling the plug sooner.

I guess you're long distance, so I suppose with someone like him, a breakup will be easier over the phone since you can hang up if he starts begging, etc. If he threatens suicide, I'd tell him you'll be calling 911 and giving them his address.

Don't let manipulative people control you. It's absolutely right to break up with someone like this, as everyone deserves a mentally healthy partner.

I'd say, "This relationship isn't working for me. I wish you the best." 

I'm sure you've already communicated everything that hasn't worked for you, so don't let him keep you on the line longer than necessary. If he tries to talk over you, you talk over him and say, "I'm going no contact for both of our benefit. Good luck."

And then block. It's not a cruel thing, and yes, best not to stay friends. He survived before he met you six months ago, and he'll survive after you leave. Take care.

Edited by Andrina
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I agree with @Wiseman2.

Tell him you're not feeling this and don't go into any detail even if he asks. Just say you don't want to talk about this and you gtg and wish him well. Afterwards block him from contacting you.

He sounds highly manipulative and toxic, so expect fake tears/fake promises/ threats. And we all know he can very well take care of himself, so don't worry about that. He'll just be upset cause he can't find a woman who puts up with his manipulation and he'd have to start over.  So you need to rip the band aid and let him go quickly. Don't give him even the time to guilt you or have conversation. Be very brief and hang up then block. Tell any common friend to not relay his messages to you.

Good job on looking out for yourself and recognizing the toxic signs. You'll do well. Take care!

Edited by DarkCh0c0
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I think he is more on "Drama Queen" side than anything else. There are people who are like that. Be respectful, do it in person, say that you are not compatible and that you have a lot to deal with so you cant continue, dont offer friendship and go "No contact". Not just because of his sake, but because of yours as there is a high probability that he wouldnt leave you alone.

After that, its really not on you. Whether he uses alcohol, any other substances, or just indulges in destructive behavior toward himself because of that, that is on him. Because he chose to deal with it in destructive way. Not because you decided to break up something that you found incompatible.

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I'm sorry you're going through this, it's not easy. At your age I also had difficulty breaking things off with people.

If I could give my younger self advice, it would be to develop the life skills of objectivity and dating resiliency. This means learning how to adopt the temporary role of 'bad guy' in order to extricate myself from bad relationships.

We don't 'owe' anyone the suffering of staying tethered, especially after being manipulated by an emotionally imbalanced person. That's the opposite of a reason to stay, it's an instant reason to break ties and give them the 'gift' of not enabling them.

You'd be surprised how well adult humans can step up for themselves IF they opt to do so, and if not, this only reinforces your gut feeling that such a person is NOT someone to attempt a friendship with--he will manipulate you back into the very place you don't want to be.

Head high, write more if it helps, and read my sig.

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He's not your responsibility regarding what he does with his life after you break up.  If he's self-destructive, that's on him and not on your conscience.  Whatever he does is his own doing.  He can either do the best he can with his life or play the blame game and have you live with that type of guilt trip which you shouldn't and won't.  I agree, he's a grown man and he will do what he will with his life which has nothing to do with you.

You break up with him but acting swiftly.  Now is better than later.  No sense dragging this out.  Get it over and done with.  Tell him the truth.  Tell him that both of you are not compatible, he's broken your trust here and there and that you prefer to be alone.  Tell it like it is.  Be simple.

I don't think it's a good idea to accept his offer of friendship.  It wouldn't be healthy.  It's better to go no contact and go your separate ways permanently.  Be respectful yet firm and brief.  Wish him well and say good-bye.  Let it be final.  Then move on with your life as does he. 

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19 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

go "No contact". Not just because of his sake, but because of yours as there is a high probability that he wouldnt leave you alone.

After that, its really not on you. Whether he uses alcohol, any other substances, or just indulges in destructive behavior toward himself because of that, that is on him. Because he chose to deal with it in destructive way. Not because you decided to break up something that you found incompatible.

I agree with this.

It's only been 6 months and you don't find this is for you.

Then, you be honest and don't let it drag on anymore than it has to.

Whatever problems he has, are his own.  Not yours.

And yeah, be best to not agree to a 'friendship', for his own good. It leaves a connection, which isn't good , especially on him, if he's felt some sort of 'emotional connection'.

IMO, the guy needs some prof help.  No partner can solve these problems of his.

Be honest & be done. Gd luck!

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Thanks everyone for your advice. 
 

I thought I’d update. I broke up with him just now and I’m just heartbroken. Despite everything, he was good to me, there for me always and he matters. Even though I went into it thinking I’ll be short and blunt, we ended up staying on the phone for almost an hour, him crying most of the time and me being quiet. I feel terrible for having to do this, the guilt is just consuming me at this point. I haven’t blocked him, I just feel like I can’t do it. I think he might do it himself. 
 

I try find comfort in thinking now he’ll be able to move on, and find what’s right for him. He has a therapy appointment tomorrow, I hope he will get some help for the self-esteem issues and other things. He kept telling me he still loves me and forgives me. Even though that’s kind, it makes me feel so much worse. 
 

I don’t really know what to do now. Never seeing him again scares me. 
 

Thanks for reading. 

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19 hours ago, TacticalLinguine said:

Thanks everyone for your advice. 
 

I thought I’d update. I broke up with him just now and I’m just heartbroken. Despite everything, he was good to me, there for me always and he matters. Even though I went into it thinking I’ll be short and blunt, we ended up staying on the phone for almost an hour, him crying most of the time and me being quiet. I feel terrible for having to do this, the guilt is just consuming me at this point. I haven’t blocked him, I just feel like I can’t do it. I think he might do it himself. 
 

I try find comfort in thinking now he’ll be able to move on, and find what’s right for him. He has a therapy appointment tomorrow, I hope he will get some help for the self-esteem issues and other things. He kept telling me he still loves me and forgives me. Even though that’s kind, it makes me feel so much worse. 
 

I don’t really know what to do now. Never seeing him again scares me. 
 

Thanks for reading. 

I'm sorry.  No one wants to feel dumped nor enjoys feeling dumped.  You don't enjoy initiating the breakup either. 

Even though most of us remember the good times,  unfortunately, the bad times outweigh the good times in any and all relationships and it applies to friendships as well. 

I'm sorry you feel terrible.  It was for the best to get it over and done with.  Better sooner than later and no sense dragging a hopeless relationship out.

Don't feel guilty.  It wasn't meant to be.  Even though both of you don't see this now, you actually did both of yourselves a favor by breaking up so both of you can move on for real instead of merely wishing to move on.

It's good that he has his therapy appointment tomorrow, he forgives and loves you.  He's showing you his maturity and hopefully his words will match his actions and he'll exercise discretion from now on. 

It's scary to end it permanently.  Allow time to heal your old wounds.  The more time passes as in weeks, months and eventually years, the more he'll become a distant memory and blur which is a healthy way to continue moving forward with your life. 

As long as both of you treat each other with respect as you part ways, both of you will handle this maturely and with grace. 

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It will hurt him now, but will be far worse if you wait.  Suppose you stay with him longer and he starts to think the relationship has a future, only to learn you want out because this is not a good match for you.  As others have stated, I would simply say, "I don't feel this is working for me, and I would rather not be in a relationship right now."

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