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Trying to resurrect an old flame


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I had a few dates with a lovely Latin woman in the spring. We had good chemistry and conversation and after a sweet kiss goodnight on the first date we went to some live music for the second date and had another really good time and she was being super affectionate. Around this time I still wasn't really over the Turkish girl and as this woman had made it clear she wanted something serious I felt I was leading her on and had a crisis of conscience and told her I wasn't over the last girl and it didn't seem fair to her to keep seeing her. She said she was disappointed as she thought there was good potential for us. We kept in touch and I realized that I should have given her a proper chance and tried a few times to meet up but she wasn't keen. Then the other day she texted me and said she had seen me walking down the street with my mum. I said what are the chances in a big city like ours it must be fate. She agreed and asked if I wanted to do a Latin music night together.

We met up and she was standoffish and avoiding eye contact and keeping her distance. The music was loud so I suggested we moved from a table sitting opposite each other to a booth where we could sit next to each other. She agreed but then when she went to the restroom decided to sit opposite me again and it was too loud to talk and she was watching the music and playing on her phone and ignoring me. I tried catching her attention and smiling at her but to no avail.

Then she started dancing salsa with some Latin friends she knew there. I went to the bar and got a drink and stayed there hoping she'd come over and we could talk there but she didn't. I felt a bit stupid standing there alone for an hour and she was having fun and smiling and laughing as she danced whereas the whole time with me she was sour faced and I got fed up and left hoping she would notice and follow or at least text. But nothing from her and I waited outside for like an hour which was plenty of time for to take a break from dancing and wonder where I was. 

Obviously I was a bit impulsive. But I didnt want to sit watching her dance all night long and I don't know how to dance salsa so couldn't cut in and even if I did from her behaviour early she wouldnt want to dance with me. And as she had been ignoring me all night didnt feel i owed her a goodbye

Oh later that evening she blocked me. 

Edited by jazz_lover
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Is there a question or its just a story?

I still think you are going for emotionally unavailable women. The way you describe dates, none of them seems enthusiastic about meeting you. Turkish girl just wanted to have fun and for you to take her to nice places and buy drinks, the last one fell asleep during date and this one acted like you werent there perhaps because you were the one who broke it off before which is very immature of her. 

Not saying its your fault because you are clearly trying to make it fun and woo those women with dates. Just that maybe, if your goal is a relationship, you are going for the wrong type. The girl that just wants to have fun wouldnt be interested in getting to know you. To her you could be anyone. Anyone willing to pay for drinks, take out for concerts etc. There is no shame in discarding those type of women and actually searching somebody that would be enthusiastic about the date with you. But instead you are pursuing the same type.

Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different results. And it seems that you are doing just that. So stop doing it. Take them to coffee. Get to know them and let them to get to know you. If the date doesnt go well dont be afraid not to pursue them further. If you want something more then just fun, you need to change something.  

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5 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

She agreed and asked if I wanted to do a Latin music night together.

We met up and she was standoffish and avoiding eye contact and keeping her distance.

It seems more to me that she was under the impression you were both going as friends, not as a date. Why would a woman who was so friendly a short while earlier treat you like chopped liver and avoid you, avoid eye contact even and pretend you weren’t there unless there was something really amiss and a misunderstanding? 

As much as I would like to believe a person can be so conniving and two-faced I think that constitutes a small percentage of individuals and she didn’t seem like the type to use you for drinks. 

What are your thoughts? 

 

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I could be wrong but to me it seems that this woman's ego was hurt that you rejected her the first time and she wanted to get some "revenge". Otherwise I don't see why she would actually invite you out, even as a friend, then just be on her phone and then leave you all by yourself for ages and dance with other people. Even friends shouldn't treat their friends this way, it's very rude.

I think she was trying to show you she wasn't interested and this time to take the opportunity to actually reject YOU. If this was her plan from the start then that's pretty immature. In any case though, I'd say it's pretty clear she's not interested.

How long did you date the Turkish girl? Were you actually in a relationship with her or just went on a few dates? I mean, in some cases it's good to be honest but some maybe not so much. I just imagine if I went on some dates with someone I liked, if it ended and was definitely over, ofcourse I'd be hurt and disappointed. But then if I met someone else and we had a good time and I also liked them, I'm not sure what would be the point to say: "I'm not over the previous person".

If you weren't in a serious relationship with the previous person then sure, you liked them but maybe not in love with them? If there's no chance with them, then why ruin your chances with anyone else by mentioning them?

Edited by Tinydance
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Yeah obviously now she blocked me it is final but I was just trying to process what happened.

I don't think she thought we were meeting as friends. Early on in the evening she said something like it felt a bit weird like a first date as we hadn't seen each other in months. And she wasn't at all friendly or warm from the very start of the evening. Basically it felt like a bad date. 

I guess I was naive thinking that because we'd had a good connection and chemistry on our first few dates and as a few months had passed we could start fresh and give things another chance. Agree it was stupid to mention the other girl when we'd only had a few dates and things were going well. 

I do not think she went into tonight intending to get some revenge. She had resisted meeting up over the last month or two. And this was the first time she had invited me out and it was triggered by seeing me with my mum and thinking it was a sign. But perhaps seeing me brought back angry feelings and that is why she was acting hostile all evening. 

And yeah I think I should have probably left a lot earlier in the evening and said goodbye. Walking out probably annoyed her even more and made me look childish. But by that time she had been dancing with three guys over the course of half an hour and I was just standing at the bar with my drink feeling foolish and she knew I couldn't dance and therefore couldn't cut in and didn't know anyone there. 

I know Salsa is a sociable activity and it is rude to refuse a dance and she had quite a few Latin friends there she'd met at previous events and maybe she got caught up in the music and forgot about me and I should have waited a bit longer until she wanted a break from the dancing and perhaps after letting off some steam on the dance floor she might have been a bit warmer. But along with the playing on her phone and avoiding eye contact it did feel like she was deliberately abandoning me. 

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Why go to loud dance clubs if you don't dance? You seem to have a habit of taking women to these places, buying them drinks and getting annoyed that they're just there having fun with everyone else. You did that with the woman before this one.

You're the common denominator here.

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2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

You're the common denominator here.

I think you should reflect on this jazz. Personally, I can't help but get a bad vibe from your posts; paternalistic at best, misogynistic at worst. I may be wrong, I dont know you from Adam. But, given you are here seeking advice, all I can offer is that I think it starts deeper than the women you are picking.

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We both like Latin music and our last date a few months ago was some Brazilian jazz so I'm guessing that is why she suggested it. I did not know that the band was going to start playing salsa later in the evening and they'd clear the tables. I did not know that she would know people there. And the acoustics weren't great so it was very loud and impossible to have a conversation. But seeing as she suggested the date and I was happy she seemed willing to give things another chance I didn't think too carefully or do much research and went along with it. 

But yeah we didn't click last night the way we did on our first few dates. So will move on. 

Oh she unblocked me today and texted saying she just wanted me to know that what I did (leaving without saying goodbye) was very rude last night and the bar staff said they felt sorry for her and she deserved better and she did and then said.....Bye!

 

 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, jazz_lover said:

We both like Latin music and our last date a few months ago was some Brazilian jazz so I'm guessing that is why she suggested it. I did not know that the band was going to start playing salsa later in the evening and they'd clear the tables. I did not know that she would know people there. And the acoustics weren't great so it was very loud and impossible to have a conversation. But seeing as she suggested the date and I was happy she seemed willing to give things another chance I didn't think too carefully or do much research and went along with it. 

But yeah we didn't click last night the way we did on our first few dates. So will move on. 

Oh she unblocked me today and texted saying she just wanted me to know that what I did (leaving without saying goodbye) was very rude last night and the bar staff said they felt sorry for her and she deserved better and she did and then said.....Bye!

 

 

 

 

She’s just immature. Kwothe was completely correct earlier. 

Adjust your picker though. Avoid the immature ditzy women. 

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If it helps, like you, I would have left too if my date was ignoring me. Why bother?

Move forward. It's pathetic that she acted like this and didn't just say she wasn't feeling it and excused herself.

You CAN do better. As @Kwothe28mentioned, go on sober dates. Keep it simple at first with just coffee/park/beach walk and get to know you kind of events.

Seems your picker is off. Would you consider yourself happy in your life? As a single person? Would you be open to pursuing different types of women? Cause I'm guessing you've been following a specific type.

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3 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Oh she unblocked me today and texted saying she just wanted me to know that what I did (leaving without saying goodbye) was very rude last night and the bar staff said they felt sorry for her and she deserved better and she did and then said.....Bye!

Tell me you didn't bother replying to that noise. 

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3 hours ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

How low. I had no idea that some people would waste their time just to do this. It's just pathetic.

 

That is on the lower scale of petty stuff I had a chance to encounter or heard stories about. From going out with somebody just to have a picture of a drink in a bar to make another somebody jealous to literal seducing of best friend of the person just to do revenge. Petty egothistical people have no filter and would take any means to get back to somebody and get what they want. 

Also, notice how she avoided any responsability for it, managed to get sympathy from the staff at the bar and other people and had to unblock him to tell him its all his fault just to rub it on his nose. Because he didnt want to stay and endure her ignoring him. That kind of ego should be enough for him to thank God he got rid of her even in this way. 

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Sounds as though when you were dating she was really into you, but then you really hurt her, and she used this date to retaliate.

I'd consider her a done deal, and I wouldn't start dating anyone again unless and until you're sincerely ready to treat someone well and follow where that leads you.

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20 hours ago, jazz_lover said:

Agree it was stupid to mention the other girl when we'd only had a few dates and things were going well. 

I don't think so.  I feel it's best you were honest before things got too deep & feelings developed!

I'd be mighty ticked if some guy led me on for a while only to admit he's still not over his ex! ( oh wait that has happened- is called rebounding & is not nice).

Anywhoo, it didn't go well.  You move on now.

Keep working on self improvement and do please make sure you ARE over the other woman before you look to date again.

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