I Got Dumped For A 60 Year Old Woman

[LaurenJJJ]

Hi everyone, I'm feeling a bit grossed out by whats happened to me and am looking for advice as to how to get over it.

Basically, I was dating a guy I'd known for quite a while, we dated for 6 months previously and then he dumped me saying he "didn't do relationships" and then we got back together 3 years later and were together for 2 years.  Very happy or so I thought, everything great, although by this time it was long distance as I'd moved away.  Then one day he phoned me up out of the blue and told me he had met someone else and was ending it.  Short phone call, refused to talk or meet up and dumped by belongings outside my door.

Just over a year later and I'm reading the local newspaper for our area which I still have online, and theres a centre page feature article about him and his business and how he met his "soulmate" and they are doing the business together.  And it gives their ages.  He is 41 and she is 60.  There are photos of them and she doesn't even look young for 60, she looks quite elderly and frail.  He looks really young for his age and he is a very good looking guy.  The article also mentions how she came from [a third world country] to get married to a man she knew only from the internet, how it didn't work out and they got divorced and she has been alone for 25 years until she met him in 2019 (when we were still together!) and how happy they are together and no longer lonely, etc..  The business is running dance classes in care homes for the elderly.

The article also mentions something about his mother and I think he must have mummy issues because I guess she might be the type who runs around after him.  Its just so weird.  It gave me a real shock to see the man I was in love with coupled up with a woman who looked old enough to be his grandmother.

So now I feel that I was with a really strange man who is attracted to old ladies (this is apparently a thing and its called gerophylia).  I mean I know people can be attracted to people of all ages but the dates and his conduct imply he was cheating on me with her, or vice versa.  He was also extremely scathing when I raised the possibility that he might meet someone who lived closer by, he said that "they were all old women" in a really dismissive tone.  Judging by how stooped over and the extensive dark shadows around her eyes, the woman doesn't look particularly healthy and there has to be a realistic prospect that he will end up as her carer quite soon.

It really is the weirdest thing ever.  I wish I'd never got involved with him.  I feel really disgusted that I was sleeping with this man and really into him.  How do I get rid of this disgusting feeling I have?  It seems clear from the dates that he was sleeping with both of us at the same time (I had an STD test after his abrupt break up call and it was fortunately clear).  I can't talk to anyone about it, people think he's some sort of shy guy and believe the soulmate line and I don't want anyone else to know I was ever involved with him.  I mean, how can you go about telling people you're upset because you got dumped for a 60 year old?

[Batya33]

I don't think you're correct in your assessment. It sounds like you chose to get back together with him even though he ended things because he wasn't interested in a relationship with you (same thing as "I don't do relationships").  So that is when you took a risk dating him again.  Especially long distance.

I'm 55.  So is my husband.  We married when we were in our early 40s.  Now I'm 55 and my friends range in age from let's say late 30s to 70.  It really is just a number.  Especially at their ages -it's an age difference but it's quite something that you're assuming she is elderly.  She's middle aged.  So is he, basically.  She's not an old lady.  Actually my mother is 87 and I guess she is technically elderly but she's high energy, spunky, funny, social butterfly.  You're much younger and coming across as some negative Debbie Downer who thinks that others are going to care why you're upset that some guy you were having sex with is now in love with a woman who happens to be older than he is. 

You don't need to share how you're feeling - simply say if someone were to ask - it didn't work out and if you are compelled to share that you're sad about not being with him anymore just do that -no need to share your assumptions about his partner. Don't you feel kind of gross in stooping to referring to this person you've never met as an "old lady"?  

My sense is their age difference is meaningless to them.  You get rid of the disgusting feeling by choosing not to have sex with people who are not that into you because it seems to me you get so attached through casual sex that you're grasping at straws as to why he could possibly have fallen in love with someone else and instead of dealing with that you're thinking somehow he has a disorder because of an age difference and that 60 makes her an old lady.  

Also I would think her business keeps her high energy and active and she sure is contributing to the community and helping shine a light into peoples' lives in the tough situation that exists in many nursing homes.

[LaurenJJJ]

19 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think you're correct in your assessment. It sounds like you chose to get back together with him even though he ended things because he wasn't interested in a relationship with you (same thing as "I don't do relationships").  So that is when you took a risk dating him again.  Especially long distance.

I'm 55.  So is my husband.  We married when we were in our early 40s.  Now I'm 55 and my friends range in age from let's say late 30s to 70.  It really is just a number.  Especially at their ages -it's an age difference but it's quite something that you're assuming she is elderly.  She's middle aged.  So is he, basically.  She's not an old lady.  Actually my mother is 87 and I guess she is technically elderly but she's high energy, spunky, funny, social butterfly.  You're much younger and coming across as some negative Debbie Downer who thinks that others are going to care why you're upset that some guy you were having sex with is now in love with a woman who happens to be older than he is. 

You don't need to share how you're feeling - simply say if someone were to ask - it didn't work out and if you are compelled to share that you're sad about not being with him anymore just do that -no need to share your assumptions about his partner. Don't you feel kind of gross in stooping to referring to this person you've never met as an "old lady"?  

My sense is their age difference is meaningless to them.  You get rid of the disgusting feeling by choosing not to have sex with people who are not that into you because it seems to me you get so attached through casual sex that you're grasping at straws as to why he could possibly have fallen in love with someone else and instead of dealing with that you're thinking somehow he has a disorder because of an age difference and that 60 makes her an old lady.  

Also I would think her business keeps her high energy and active and she sure is contributing to the community and helping shine a light into peoples' lives in the tough situation that exists in many nursing homes.

Thanks for your reply.  I have never in my life had "causal sex" or been attracted to someone who does casual sex.  I knew this man through his parents (who are both now passed away) who knew my parents.  We were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship and he reassured me that he was much more mature than when we were previously dating, one of the main reasons being that he had now bought a larger property and was no longer embarrassed by his small flat in a rough area of town.  It actually didn't bother me in the slightest but that is what he said.  So that was the reason I gave him a second chance.  I've only had 4 sexual partners in my life and I'm really hurt by your saying that I was attracted to someone through casual sex.  I didn't consent to casual sex and I would never have had sex with him even once had I not thought that we were in a committed, totally exclusive relationship, and I made it clear to him that those were the rules.  He agreed to all of that.  My plan was to move back to his city once lockdown was over.  And I am perfectly aware that 60 is not old but this woman does not look particularly health for 60.  I don't really want to get into criticising her appearance, but I will say that she is very stooped and frail looking.  I know his mother was ill for several years before her passing and it might be that he likes the idea of caring for someone who really needs him.

[junebug123]

13 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

We were supposed to be in an exclusive relationship and he reassured me that he was much more mature than when we were previously dating, one of the main reasons being that he had now bought a larger property and was no longer embarrassed by his small flat in a rough area of town.  

So that was the reason I gave him a second chance.   

Not even sure why you brought up his living arrangement. Or why you guys were living apart if you really wanted to be with this person. 

Seems like he just met someone closer to him that was making him feel good and motivated him to become a better person. Rather then being bitter or judging her, you should just be happy that they found each other and look to move on.

I feel like you really overvalued yourself in the relationship and didn’t understand this the first time he decided to leave. If people break up it’s often for a reason and it seems like getting back together didn’t resolve the conflict he had with you.

Women often over estimate their looks in a relationship, and while this does matter to men especially in the beginning. But would easily find themselves being with someone less attractive and lower maintenance (i.e. amber heard, jada Smith). 

If you look at some celebs that dated much older women. Aston Kutcher, Keanu Reaves you will notice that not all men follow the stereotypes...

[LaurenJJJ]

"Not even sure why you brought up his living arrangement. Or why you guys were living apart if you really wanted to be with this person."

Work.  I have to work to earn money.  After we split up the first time, I ended up getting a job in another city 3 hours drive away.  We had plans to move in together when I found another job back in the original city.  I didn't have time to put it all in the original post.  It was a normal relationship.  I wouldn't immediately move in with someone and give up my job the minute I start dating them.  The living arrangement relates to me replying to a point raised by a previous poster.

I don't know about over-estimating my looks.  I can't exactly change my skin colour or age.  Its not as if I can make myself be born 25 years earlier.  I do the best with what I have.  I don't want this guy, he presented a completely different personality to me with different interests which appealed to me.  None of us are Hollywood actors and I don't think they are really a very good representation of normal, healthy relationships.  Keanu's on-off girlfriend isn't the best example of stability.

I don't care about him any more, my question is how do I get over the feeling of disgust I have that he was lying to me and was almost certainly having sex with me and this other woman at the same time (for between 12 and 18 months as far as I can work it out)?  I feel sickened by it.

[Jibralta]

1 minute ago, LaurenJJJ said:

my question is how do I get over the feeling of disgust I have that he was lying to me and was almost certainly having sex with me and this other woman at the same time (for between 12 and 18 months as far as I can work it out)?  I feel sickened by it.

I think you have to look at the situation and identify exactly which part (or parts) is causing you to feel sick. That will tell you a lot about yourself.

[LaurenJJJ]

Just now, Jibralta said:

I think you have to look at the situation and identify exactly which part (or parts) is causing you to feel sick. That will tell you a lot about yourself.

Well, the fact that I was totally duped by someone who was lying to me.  I trusted him because I knew his family from way back and had known him for 15 years in total through a mutual hobby and mutual friends (whom he has also all dropped now).

The fact that I ignored many red flags and couldn't quite put my finger on why I didn't fully trust him

I think I had slightly weak boundaries where he was concerned because he is extremely good looking and charming and a very plausible liar.  He lied a number of times to me.

The fact that I would never have consented to sex if he hadn't lied and told me were were in a committed, exclusive relationship.

I think the guy gets a kick out of ending relationships coldly and abruptly and I let him do that twice.

The fact he was having sex with another woman during our relationship and I suspect he has deliberately picked a wife from a culture that practises polygamy who might put up with his cheating as long as treats her well at home.

All of that makes me feel sick.  The guy is a manipulative liar.

[junebug123]

7 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I think I had slightly weak boundaries where he was concerned because he is extremely good looking and charming and a very plausible liar.  He lied a number of times to me.

The fact that I would never have consented to sex if he hadn't lied and told me were were in a committed, exclusive relationship.

I think the guy gets a kick out of ending relationships coldly and abruptly and I let him do that twice.

Not sure if anyone gets a kick out of hurting someone they spent so much time with. If anything it was probably difficult and awkward on his part. 

Im sure some employers get off on firing people, but it’s not the norm. Also, the over importance on exclusivity. It’s not like you guys were married and thankfully so because it doesn’t seem like he was happy with the arrangement.

If anything this should be a blessing, look at it as him giving you the space to find someone who deserves you rather then it being a betrayal. In truth, we only really betray ourselves, everyone is just doing their best to survive.

When you can learn to forgive yourself, then maybe you can move on. I understand the feeling, you didn’t trust your gut and when you confronted him, rather then being honest he just gaslite you. It sucks, I’ve been there. 

[Wiseman2]

On/off and long distance are recipes for headaches and heartaches. You need to stop obsessing over him and particularly his new GF. 

Get a good profile and pics on quality dating apps and start talking to and meeting local compatible single men.

You're wasting your time and headspace on someone you didn't get along with.

[Kwothe28]

Quote

I Got Dumped For A 60 Year Old Woman

Lol

I dunno why you are seething. Because she is 60? OK, he is maybe turned on by that. Or maybe after her money. Its really highly irrelevant aside of your ego thinking that you are "replaced by a 60 year old". 

He clearly cheated on you. And decided to stay with her after. That is about the whole story. Open up a wine and thank God it is like that. You got rid of somebody very bad. Cheater and probably an opportunist. So celebrate that instead of letting your ego running wild. 

[Rose Mosse]

6 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I don't care about him any more, my question is how do I get over the feeling of disgust I have that he was lying to me and was almost certainly having sex with me and this other woman at the same time (for between 12 and 18 months as far as I can work it out)?  I feel sickened by it.

Realize that what he did lying and deceiving you has nothing to do with you and let it go. You’re in shock. This will fade no matter how horrible and painful it feels now.

[Wiseman2]

Maybe she's better in bed 🤷

[poorlittlefish]

I can understand you feeling shocked and hurt by seeing a photo of him and the woman he chose over you in the paper, but her age is irrelevant.  Lots of men date women with that kind of age gap and nobody bats an eyelid, so why should it be any different for a man dating an older woman?  Attraction is subjective and just because you find her disgusting, doesn't mean everyone else does.  For many people, attraction comes from personality, not just looks.  You've given a number of ways in which he was wrong for you, so just be glad you're out of it - he's her problem now.

[MissCanuck]

8 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

was dating a guy I'd known for quite a while, we dated for 6 months previously and then he dumped me saying he "didn't do relationships" and then we got back together 3 years later and were together for 2 years.  Very happy or so I thought, everything great, although by this time it was long distance as I'd moved away. 

How much time did you manage to spend together in those two years? 

[LaurenJJJ]

1 hour ago, MissCanuck said:

How much time did you manage to spend together in those two years? 

Nearly every weekend, holidays and other times we were free.  It was a 3 hour drive.  I don't know how he fitted in seeing another woman (and from the dates given in the newspaper article there was a long overlap) except that he doesn't work (his father gives him money).  His business doesn't really make much money but it keeps him occupied although its nowhere near full time.  So I suppose that gave him time but she certainly wasn't seeing him at weekends!

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

 he doesn't work his father gives him money. 

What was the attraction here? He seems like a loser.

[LaurenJJJ]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the attraction here? He seems like a loser.

He is very charming and good looking, comes across as very caring and sincere.  In retrospect it was fake and exaggerated.  But its difficult to explain how good he was at convincing he was.  But you are right.  A young healthy man not holding down a job is a bit of a red flag.

[Wiseman2]

14 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

.  But you are right.  A young healthy man not holding down a job is a bit of a red flag.

[DarkCh0c0]

36 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

he doesn't work (his father gives him money)

Girl, that's a turn off and red flag here!

It doesn't matter if he's charming so long he's lazy, dependent, and irresponsible. Moreover, this means he had more than enough time to be with multiple women.

You dodged a bullet!!

3 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

Open up a wine and thank God it is like that. You got rid of somebody very bad.

Please do so OP! 🍷Got out with your friends, meet other men, and have fun. Forget about him and his lies. He does not deserve you and he is not a catch.

[Batya33]

4 hours ago, Rose Mosse said:

Realize that what he did lying and deceiving you has nothing to do with you and let it go. You’re in shock. This will fade no matter how horrible and painful it feels now.

Yes I agree -you're deflecting and attacking a human being based on your perception of how she looks and her age.  I am sorry I misread your initial post -it did not sound like an exclusive relationship.  I am sorry this happened to you.  It has nothing to do with this woman's age or looks.  

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

A young healthy man not holding down a job is a bit of a red flag.

A bit? No, it's a major red flag. 

I would not be able to respect a man who doesn't work, for no good reason. It say all kinds of things about him that would turn me right off. 

[LaurenJJJ]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A bit? No, it's a major red flag. 

I would not be able to respect a man who doesn't work, for no good reason. It say all kinds of things about him that would turn me right off. 

Well, he worked full time when we first got together.  He had a good degree level job which it would have been relatively easy to do part time or less intensively if he found his then job stressful.  Then he stopped and didn't tell me and seemed embarrassed by it.  And then because he seemed embarrassed by it, I didn't make an issue of it.  His father is wealthy but doesn't give him all that much money.  Maybe he's counting on inheriting some of it one day.

Anyway, I see now that my boundaries were gradually eroded and I got drawn into not asking awkward questions because I didn't want to upset him.  I was too easy going.  but also because my normal boundaries were weaker than usual with him because we came originally from the same small town, I kind of knew his parents, we shared a mutual group of friends (whom he has now all dropped).  I have much stronger boundaries in place now.

[Rose Mosse]

54 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

Anyway, I see now that my boundaries were gradually eroded and I got drawn into not asking awkward questions because I didn't want to upset him.  I was too easy going.  but also because my normal boundaries were weaker than usual with him because we came originally from the same small town, I kind of knew his parents, we shared a mutual group of friends (whom he has now all dropped).  I have much stronger boundaries in place now.

That's good insight and a good takeaway from the experience as you can use that when screening for a partner in the future. Ask more questions and don't be afraid to think critically or be willing to walk away from situations that are no longer fulfilling or no longer make sense to you. 

[boltnrun]

In the future don't make romantic relationship decisions based on a man's looks.  People are more than their appearance as you can tell from his new relationship. 

No need to be "disgusted".  He was the wrong one for you.  You're now free to meet a man who's right for you.

[LaurenJJJ]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

In the future don't make romantic relationship decisions based on a man's looks.  People are more than their appearance as you can tell from his new relationship. 

No need to be "disgusted".  He was the wrong one for you.  You're now free to meet a man who's right for you.

It was actually based on shared interests and he seemed to sort of mould himself to whatever I was into somehow (its very hard to describe) so I felt like he was my psychic twin or something.  He even started adopting phrases I use.  I actually have a new boyfriend, but could I just correct you to point out that I'm free to do whatever I want, not just to "meet a man".  My life and self worth doesn't revolve around meeting men and having boyfriends.  But thank you for your comment, I know you are only trying to be helpful.