I Got Dumped For A 60 Year Old Woman

[Rose Mosse]

44 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

It was actually based on shared interests and he seemed to sort of mould himself to whatever I was into somehow (its very hard to describe) so I felt like he was my psychic twin or something.  He even started adopting phrases I use. 

This is incredibly creepy, OP. Just consider yourself lucky getting away, all things considered. 

[kim42]

1 hour ago, LaurenJJJ said:

It was actually based on shared interests and he seemed to sort of mould himself to whatever I was into somehow (its very hard to describe) so I felt like he was my psychic twin or something.  He even started adopting phrases I use.  I actually have a new boyfriend, but could I just correct you to point out that I'm free to do whatever I want, not just to "meet a man".  My life and self worth doesn't revolve around meeting men and having boyfriends.  But thank you for your comment, I know you are only trying to be helpful.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you. I'd focus on your new boyfriend and forget about this man. The above description seems kind of creepy to me, I think you dodged a bullet.

[melancholy123]

So you liked him because he was good looking?  That's a pretty shallow reason to like someone. People are more than their looks.

I found your comments about this older woman to be insulting to all of the older people out there, male and female.  

[LaurenJJJ]

7 hours ago, melancholy123 said:

So you liked him because he was good looking?  That's a pretty shallow reason to like someone. People are more than their looks.

I found your comments about this older woman to be insulting to all of the older people out there, male and female.  

As I explained just a couple of posts above, as is normal in relationships, physical attraction formed part of it but he also shared all of my hobbies and interests and seemed very similar to me in many ways with similar ambitions, motivations and approach to life.  Why would you assume the worst of someone in the way you have done?  Don't you realise this sort of thing can happen?  Lucky you if you've never met someone like this in your life so far.  I was completely taken in by him at one time because he was presenting himself as the perfect man to me based on my interests and hobbies.  He told me complete lies and presented himself as a completely different person than the one he actually is.

And yes, my description of the woman is factual.  Its very unusual for a man of that age to be attracted to a woman old enough to be their mother and who is physically not in the best of health when they already have a girlfriend.  Its clear from her appearance that she is not a healthy 60 year old.  She is struggling to stand up and he is supporting her and she looks really quite unwell otherwise.  I'm concerned he has ulterior motives, based on his being highly manipulative.  The best case scenario is that he has mummy issues and is trying to replicate the relationship he had with his mother, who latterly spent years dying slowly of a serious disease.  Its also really easy to control someone like that, of course.

[MissCanuck]

54 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I'm concerned he has ulterior motives

He might. 

But two things:

1) This woman has lived more life than him (or you) and is likely not completely oblivious to the intentions of a younger and more robust man. She may even have ulterior motives herself, such as wanting a caretaker around if she's as frail as you describe

2) There is nothing you can do about it. It doesn't involve you. So even if he's using her for whatever reason - so what? It's their problem. Be glad he's not your headache anymore. 

[Batya33]

42 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

He might. 

But two things:

1) This woman has lived more life than him (or you) and is likely not completely oblivious to the intentions of a younger and more robust man. She may even have ulterior motives herself, such as wanting a caretaker around if she's as frail as you describe

2) There is nothing you can do about it. It doesn't involve you. So even if he's using her for whatever reason - so what? It's their problem. Be glad he's not your headache anymore. 

Also if you actually knew this person you might discover that despite your perception that she is physically frail -even if she is- emotionally and spark-wise she might be spunky, enthusiastic, full of the good kind of self confidence -a real presence - so very attractive including romantically - I would suspect especially since she is an entrepreneur this might be the case.  But yes - it's none of your concern and none of your business.

[LaurenJJJ]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

Also if you actually knew this person you might discover that despite your perception that she is physically frail -even if she is- emotionally and spark-wise she might be spunky, enthusiastic, full of the good kind of self confidence -a real presence - so very attractive including romantically - I would suspect especially since she is an entrepreneur this might be the case.  But yes - it's none of your concern and none of your business.

She's not an entrepreneur.  He seems to have roped her in to do the catering.  I am concerned that it might be a predatory marriage and I think raising awareness that this can happen is a good idea.

I don't know which country you live in, but in my country, if you have a disabled partner, you actually get paid a reasonable wage by the state for caring for them.  You can also get a free car, renewed every 3 years. reduced public transport, and other generous allowances too.  The lady likely has her own house, which according to the laws of my country, her spouse will inherit when she passes away, and if she has any children, they will miss out.  These are the hard facts.  He was also cheating on her with me for around a year when they first met.

A friend used to go to his classes and has stopped because she phoned me up to say how creepy the newspaper article and attached photos looked.  The woman looks confused, not sparky, and she is unsmiling, while he is grinning away.  Given that he was very dismissive and rude about older women when I asked him if there was a chance he might be attracted to one of them, I find it surprising that he's done such a turn around.

Of course it may all be wonderful and a great love affair but from what I can see is that he has chosen to do something which puts him in contact with a large number of older single and likely lonely women, for whom a young, handsome man is clearly going to dazzle them.  He admitted to me that the business barely makes any money.

In the photos attached to the article, I saw that he had also started wearing the clothes that men in from her country would typically wear.  It looks really strange because he is the complete physical opposite of men from her native country.  He is doing the mirroring thing again and it really draws you in and binds you that person, I speak from experience as he did it with me.  I also didn't really appreciate what cultural appropriation meant before I saw that, its really strange.

I think some male posters have on here have had bad experiences with being rejected by women and are maybe enjoying a little too much hearing about a woman who has been rejected.

I can't believe that a poster criticised me for being attracted to a former partner and called me shallow, making up a story that it was the only reason I was in a relationship.  What are you meant to do?  Have relationships with people you aren't attracted to?  Date them for their money or the lifestyle they can provide you with?

Women have to be very careful of men who prey on their loneliness or vulnerability.  I have no idea whether that is or is not the case with my ex, but I think I'm uniquely placed to be suspicsious.  I'd be very concerned if I were one of her children, lets just put it that way.

Basically, I've got a bad instinct about all of this, its like a gut feeling that something is deeply wrong somewhere.  Nothing I can do about it but don't shoot the messenger!

[MissCanuck]

9 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I think raising awareness that this can happen is a good idea.

Raising awareness to whom, exactly?

 

[Batya33]

In my world a person doesn’t just jump to the extreme assumptions you have especially when the person is as biased and frustrated (bitter ?) as you are. Country is irrelevant. 

[melancholy123]

4 hours ago, LaurenJJJ said:

As I explained just a couple of posts above, as is normal in relationships, physical attraction formed part of it but he also shared all of my hobbies and interests and seemed very similar to me in many ways with similar ambitions, motivations and approach to life.  Why would you assume the worst of someone in the way you have done?  Don't you realise this sort of thing can happen?  Lucky you if you've never met someone like this in your life so far.  I was completely taken in by him at one time because he was presenting himself as the perfect man to me based on my interests and hobbies.  He told me complete lies and presented himself as a completely different person than the one he actually is.

And yes, my description of the woman is factual.  Its very unusual for a man of that age to be attracted to a woman old enough to be their mother and who is physically not in the best of health when they already have a girlfriend.  Its clear from her appearance that she is not a healthy 60 year old.  She is struggling to stand up and he is supporting her and she looks really quite unwell otherwise.  I'm concerned he has ulterior motives, based on his being highly manipulative.  The best case scenario is that he has mummy issues and is trying to replicate the relationship he had with his mother, who latterly spent years dying slowly of a serious disease.  Its also really easy to control someone like that, of course.

You dodged what I said quite nicely.  You made sure we knew he was good looking as you said it a few times but that doesn't make anyone a good person.  Common interests and hobbies are more important than a pretty face.

I said your comments about this woman were insulting to older people and you dodged that too going on about how unhealthy this woman looks to be.  Maybe she is not healthy, maybe she just looks unwell but is actually not ill.  You cant paint all older adults with the same brush. Maybe this guy wants her for harmony, if she has any.  Who knows!  Somehow you need to get over this.  You got dumped and you are hurting but it's wrong to slam older people who are not as attractive as they once were.

[melancholy123]

17 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

In my world a person doesn’t just jump to the extreme assumptions you have especially when the person is as biased and frustrated (bitter ?) as you are. Country is irrelevant. 

Bitter is the exact word I thought.

[LaurenJJJ]

13 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

You dodged what I said quite nicely.  You made sure we knew he was good looking as you said it a few times but that doesn't make anyone a good person.  Common interests and hobbies are more important than a pretty face.

I said your comments about this woman were insulting to older people and you dodged that too going on about how unhealthy this woman looks to be.  Maybe she is not healthy, maybe she just looks unwell but is actually not ill.  You cant paint all older adults with the same brush. Maybe this guy wants her for harmony, if she has any.  Who knows!  Somehow you need to get over this.  You got dumped and you are hurting but it's wrong to slam older people who are not as attractive as they once were.

I didn't respond to your particular comment because this post isn't about older people.  Its about a specific older person.  You are not going to get me to repeat words that you want me to say to make you feel better about something.  It is nothing to do with "attractiveness".  Its about infirmity, vulnerability and possible exploitation.  There are many people of that age and older who are not like that.

[LaurenJJJ]

15 minutes ago, melancholy123 said:

Bitter is the exact word I thought.

But you also think that being physically attracted to the person you are in a relationship is "shallow", so I think you might possibly not be the best judge of what a health relationship is.

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, LaurenJJJ said:

I didn't respond to your particular comment because this post isn't about older people.  Its about a specific older person.  You are not going to get me to repeat words that you want me to say to make you feel better about something.  It is nothing to do with "attractiveness".  Its about infirmity, vulnerability and possible exploitation.  There are many people of that age and older who are not like that.

Possible based on speculation from the woman who believes she was wronged by that woman’s partner. Hmmmm

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, LaurenJJJ said:

But you also think that being physically attracted to the person you are in a relationship is "shallow", so I think you might possibly not be the best judge of what a health relationship is.

I don’t.  Physical attraction is essential. And judging why one person might find another person attractive is a huge waste of time. Especially when it involves drawing judgey and shallow comparisons 

[LaurenJJJ]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

Possible based on speculation from the woman who believes she was wronged by that woman’s partner. Hmmmm

You're actually trying to bully me now.  Do you usually do this thing of trying to walk all over people and deliberately be unkind?  Have you thought about therapy to help you with this tendency?  Do you actually realise you are replying to a human being here and it might be a good idea to moderate your words before calling people names and throwing around accusations?

[LaurenJJJ]

1 minute ago, Batya33 said:

I don’t.  Physical attraction is essential. And judging why one person might find another person attractive is a huge waste of time. Especially when it involves drawing judgey and shallow comparisons 

No, you actually made up a little fantasy about me only being attracted to my ex's good looks and told me I was shallow because of your own little made up theory.  You deliberately ignored a post where I had described many of the other reasons only a few posts above mine to run with your little narrative.

What is your motive here?

[boltnrun]

Are you judging how frail this woman is based on the photos from the newspaper article?

You say you are trying to "raise awareness".  How are you doing this?  By posting videos online?  Writing to the newspaper?  Posting blogs?

Being angry because you were "replaced" by a much older woman hurts no one but yourself.  I was "replaced" by a woman 16 years younger than me.  I didn't claim to be "raising awareness" when I expressed my hurt and anger.  I was jealous, frankly.  My catty comments about her appearance and lack of intelligence were just me expressing my jealousy and pain at being dumped.  My jealousy didn't hurt them, it only hurt me and made me look petty.  It changed nothing.  My ex remained with the 23 year old and I had no choice but to accept it. 

[LaurenJJJ]

3 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Are you judging how frail this woman is based on the photos from the newspaper article?

You say you are trying to "raise awareness".  How are you doing this?  By posting videos online?  Writing to the newspaper?  Posting blogs?

Being angry because you were "replaced" by a much older woman hurts no one but yourself.  I was "replaced" by a woman 16 years younger than me.  I didn't claim to be "raising awareness" when I expressed my hurt and anger.  I was jealous, frankly.  My catty comments about her appearance and lack of intelligence were just me expressing my jealousy and pain at being dumped.  My jealousy didn't hurt them, it only hurt me and made me look petty.  It changed nothing.  My ex remained with the 23 year old and I had no choice but to accept it. 

I'm not angry.

What is this about me posting videos online?  There was a video attached to the newspaper article on the online version.  Nothing to do with me.  Its in the public domain.

I suppose you think my friend who is so creeped out by this so much that she has stopped going to the classes is wrong as well?  There are literally 2 likes on that article online.  All of the other articles on the page have got loads of likes and positive responses.

I'm sorry about what happened to you.  I'm really glad I'm no longer with this man as he has so many red flags about him that he is almost puce.  I always had concerns about his behaviour and secrecy if I'm honest but I conditioned myself to ignore them.  Men make awful comments about womens' appearance all the time and no-one says a thing, but don't dare to be a woman and say anything about anyone's appearance!  

[boltnrun]

You said you are "raising awareness".  I asked how exactly are you doing this?  I was giving examples of how you might be "raising awareness".

I didn't say you were "wrong" either.  I said your anger (which is obvious, although you used the word "disgust") hurts no one but yourself.

[Lambert]

How do you get over this? 

I think you have to start by focusing on yourself and your feelings of being hurt and betrayed. It really makes no difference her age or anything to do with her. 

It's the guy that hurt you.  It's you that continued in an on and off relationship. You took a chance, you got burned.  All the other things are just your ego trying to protect you with long narratives.

Start trying to accept his actions as wrong and your actions to continue on with red flags as wrong.  Then move forward with forgiveness especially for yourself.  Focus on you, forget them. 

Learn that on and off relationships are painful. If you break up stay broken up.  Move on. Don't accept garbage and stop telling yourself people are better than what their actions, words and situations are.

It might be a bit cynical sounding, but trust me very few people deserve a 2nd chance. They may learn and be better for someone else.  I'm not saying people can't learn and become better, but taking them back doesn't make them better.  It actually tells them their behavior is acceptable and they do some worse crap. 

[Jaunty]

Why are you "grossed out"?  

I understand why you would be hurt by the breakup, and him driving 3 hours to dump your stuff outside your door is harsh.  

But getting all wrapped up in something you found out a whole year after the end of your relationship is not healthy, especially since you have a boyfriend yourself now.

Who he is dating, his relationship with his mother, whether he has a special condition that makes him attracted to "old ladies," how much money his business earns,  his father's inheritance plans; none of that has anything at all to do with you.   

Move on!  

[LaurenJJJ]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You said you are "raising awareness".  I asked how exactly are you doing this?  I was giving examples of how you might be "raising awareness".

I didn't say you were "wrong" either.  I said your anger (which is obvious, although you used the word "disgust") hurts no one but yourself.

Your posts are actually making me feel so uncomfortable that I had a look through just one page of your (extremely extensive) posting history.  It seems that you regularly try to tell posters (i.e. random people off the internet) what words they can and cannot use.  You particularly have an aversion to the word "gaslighting", probably because your responses tend to be classic gaslighting themselves, and you don't like being called out on it. 

I'm not going to sit here and answer you like an obedient little schoolchild.  I can use whatever words I choose.

Unless you have something constructive to say, please stop responding.

[LaurenJJJ]

37 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Why are you "grossed out"?  

I understand why you would be hurt by the breakup, and him driving 3 hours to dump your stuff outside your door is harsh.  

But getting all wrapped up in something you found out a whole year after the end of your relationship is not healthy, especially since you have a boyfriend yourself now.

Who he is dating, his relationship with his mother, whether he has a special condition that makes him attracted to "old ladies," how much money his business earns,  his father's inheritance plans; none of that has anything at all to do with you.   

Move on!  

Does it really have to be explained that someone might be disgusted that they were sleeping with a man who was in a relationship with another woman?  I would never have consented had I known that.  Now theres articles in my local newspaper about him and his "soulmate".  That article is what has brought this up again, not the fact that I hadn't got over it.  Have you ever had an ex get an article published in a newspaper, all about how he met his wife, with photographs of them together, videos,  dates and details of when and how they met and everything?  You must admit it is quite unusual.

I suppose its sort of funny in a crazy kind of way.  I wish I'd never met this guy.  He is an absolute nightmare.  I turned down so many decent guys for him.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

You said you are "raising awareness".  I asked how exactly are you doing this? 

I am curious about this, too. 

OP, if you feel you need to raise awareness, what exactly do you intend to do?