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A girl told me she didn’t feel the spark. Did I fail to escalate things physically during my date? Or was it out of my control?


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A girl joined one of my friend groups around 6 months ago, but it wasn’t until a month or two ago that we really started to connect and get closer with one another as friends. 
 

Recently, I found myself growing more and more attracted to this person until it came to the point where I confessed that I liked her and asked her out on a date. 
 

She was surprised and said she had never really seen me like that before but that she would think about it. 
 

A few days later she said she still wasn’t sure if she saw me as anything more than a friend but that she was willing to go on a date and see where things went.

We went on a date later that week and I thought it went really well. We both agreed that we had a really nice time but when I asked her if she would like to go on another date sometime, she again told me she would need some time to think about it.

Eventually, she told me that while she had a great time and really tried to picture the two of us together since we share a lot of interests, goals, and get along well, the spark just wasn’t there for her and she doesn’t think she sees us as being anything more than friends. 
 

My question is. Was this outcome inevitable? Or could there have been a chance for a different one if I had escalated things physically during the date? For example kissing her at the end. (Upon reflection i feel like if I had tried there’s a chance she may have let me, we had a really nice date). 
 

I’m just thinking, because I got to know this girl in the context of friends and initially portrayed myself off as that, did I mess up by not escalating things during our date so that she could potentially view me in a different light? Or am I just reading into this and she was never really going to see me as more than a friend anyways because I already friend zoned my self?

just wanna know whether I should beat myself up or not for  not “kissing the girl” 😅

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3 minutes ago, Manonajourney said:

just wanna know whether I should beat myself up or not for  not “kissing the girl” 😅

This has nothing to with kissing. And kissing on the first date is generally way too soon.

Sometimes there's no attraction, chemistry, or "spark" as she called it. She just can't picture you guys together, and that's just how she feels. Totally out of your control, and it's really good she was upfront about it. Saves you time and heart-ache.

Thank you, next!

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She enjoys your company a lot and has a lot in common with you but isn't attracted to you. That is why she would rather just be friends. She agreed to the date because she probably felt a bit guilty after you confessed your feelings and wanted to be fair to you and give you a chance. But it was always likely to be a non-starter. 

I don't think starting off as friends was the issue. If there was mutual attraction it wouldn't have been a barrier. Starting off as friends did not prevent you from becoming more and more attracted to her and wanting more. Same would have applied to her if she'd felt some initial attraction. 

Going for a kiss would have just led to an awkward rejection. Or perhaps she would have kissed you back to test the chemistry and come to the exact same conclusion. 

 

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36 minutes ago, Manonajourney said:

 did I mess up by not escalating things during our date so that she could potentially view me in a different light?

Sorry this happened. Unfortunately this had "friendzone" written all over it from the start.

Step back and shrug it off.  It's important to stop reading pick-up artist rubbish about "escalating things physically".  If a woman is not feeling it, then move along.

She was reluctant from the start, so the best thing is to just move forward and ask other women out.

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1 hour ago, Manonajourney said:

Was this outcome inevitable?

Yes. You positioned yourself as a friend so she couldnt see you in any other way after. She did give you a chance, but usually when they make that line between friend zone and relationship zone, they dont cross it.So, that was inevitable here. You did try and give your best so be proud and move on.

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You are still friends as you were before.  You can't force a spark.  Sometimes it develops later and she doesn't want to wait around to see likely because you two are friends and she doesn't want to lead you on.  She is being honest and you did nothing wrong.  I'm sorry it didn't work out at this time.

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There wasn't mutual attraction, so nothing you could have done. It sucks, but time to press on. That said you don't have to remain super friends either, until you move on just be polite and cordial; but don't get yourself into one on one situations where underlying attraction could still surface uncomfortably.

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3 hours ago, Manonajourney said:

did I mess up by not escalating things during our date so that she could potentially view me in a different light?

This is dating coach-speak. 

No, you didn't mess up by not "escalating." If you had trid to kiss her, she probably would have stopped you or backed away, because she isn't attracted to you that way.

It sucks, but there's not much you can do when someone doesn't see you in a romantic light. It isn't something that can be manufactured. It's not about "friend-zoning" yourself either. Think of a woman you know and like well enough, but aren't romantically attracted to - that's how this woman feels about you.  That's all there is to it. 

Edited by MissCanuck
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12 hours ago, Manonajourney said:

My question is. Was this outcome inevitable?

Sounds like it. She wasn't too keen when you asked her out. She gave it a shot. She didn't change her mind. That's all her. It was good that you took a chance and asked her out. That, and being yourself, is all you could do.

12 hours ago, Manonajourney said:

Or could there have been a chance for a different one if I had escalated things physically during the date? For example kissing her at the end.

It's terrible idea to "escalate things physically" in order to convince someone to like you. Always respect other people's personal space. I'm glad you didn't try this!

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