Relationship? I'm involved in all aspects of his life..I saw ..on security camera..what do I do?..I've been feeling sick and depressed

[levie]

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Then this should tell you something - he doesn't even bother hiding other women from you. He doesn't genuinely view you as his girlfriend, OP. You're role-playing that, essentially. 

While my access is not illegal - I doubt he knows I was actively looking at his google home.  He is hiding.

 

6 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

A man who saw you as more than a so-called side chick would not be bringing other women around right under your nose where he knows you can see it. 

[levie]

6 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Besides spying? That's not honorable, it's a serious violation of trust.

You're just one of his flunkies. But a sneaky untrustworthy one.

A violation of trust is cheating, whether its done hiddenly or in the open - since its totally ok with you - why exactly are you giving me advice?

you're disqualified 🙂

[Jaunty]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

All of the above so very well said.  He might be using you but you are using him too

Agree.  There is nothing wrong with that; in fact, the most egregious behavior in this scenario is you, OP, using your access to secretly spy on him in order to get info on his personal life.   

Otherwise, you're evidently a cute and smart woman who has presented yourself as a useful asset who is available and willing to do any type of service 100% of the time.  And he doesn't even have to pay for your transportation to "work."   

[Jaunty]

11 minutes ago, levie said:

While my access is not illegal - I doubt he knows I was actively looking at his google home.  He is hiding.

 

No, he is absolutely not hiding.  Anyone who has had cameras mounted in their own  house is completely aware at all times that their movements are being recorded and that anyone with access can look at them.  Maybe he'd prefer to avoid any type of confrontations, but it's obviously not a big deal to him whether you know or not,  Unless he is unaware that you have all his passwords.  Is this the case?

 

[Rox22]

How old are you? How old is he?

[levie]

10 minutes ago, Rox22 said:

How old are you? How old is he?

I'm 45 he is 55

[levie]

28 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

No, he is absolutely not hiding.  Anyone who has had cameras mounted in their own  house is completely aware at all times that their movements are being recorded and that anyone with access can look at them.  Maybe he'd prefer to avoid any type of confrontations, but it's obviously not a big deal to him whether you know or not,  Unless he is unaware that you have all his passwords.  Is this the case?

 

Knowing him I would guess he is unaware I have all his passwords.

He is generally very busy and has a short attention span and maybe not the best memory.  I greatly doubt he would want intentionally to hurt me or avoid confrontation.

When I disappeared (I stopped speaking to him for a couple of days) - he got really worried and started calling me a lot.

In Addition, before I got together with him on a personal level, his friends wife - who knows him for 30 years told me that he is single because of his very busy life he is extremely hard worker as am I , and that specifically:

he is not a player.

Based on that - I felt it was ok to move forward with the personal aspect of this relationship, he came highly recommended to me,.  I did not do it haphazardly. 

[boltnrun]

5 minutes ago, levie said:

Knowing him I would guess he is unaware I have all his passwords.

Wait, I thought you said he added you to his "household" and gave you access to accounts. Now you're saying he is unaware you have his passwords?

What prompted you to spy on him anyway?

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, levie said:

While my access is not illegal - I doubt he knows I was actively looking at his google home.  He is hiding.

It's rather pointless to deabte this, because hiding or not, this man does not take you seiroulsy. At all. 

End it and walk away with some dignity. 

[Batya33]

3 minutes ago, levie said:

Knowing him I would guess he is unaware I have all his passwords.

He is generally very busy and has a short attention span and maybe not the best memory.  I greatly doubt he would want intentionally to hurt me or avoid confrontation.

When I disappeared (I stopped speaking to him for a couple of days) - he got really worried and started calling me a lot.

In Addition, before I got together with him on a personal level, his friends wife - who knows him for 30 years told me that he is single because of his very busy life he is extremely hard worker as am I , and that specifically:

he is not a player.

Based on that - I felt it was ok to move forward with the personal aspect of this relationship, he came highly recommended to me,.  I did not do it haphazardly. 

What did you "move forward" to -having sexual contact from being "just friends" with this wealthy man you put on a pedestal?  What kind of high recommendation -that he was looking for a serious relationship, in general or with you? That he was wealthy and could pamper you? Whoever told you that he is single because he's busy and  a hard worker- well you know that's ridiculous -just look around you at all the committed couples who are really busy and hard workers (husband and I included). He's single because he chooses to be.  

He may not be a player -you're playing around with yourself - with your emotions, with your rationalizations and dishonesty with yourself.  Because you like the benefits -this older, wealthy man who dangles trinkets in front of you and owns a yacht and whispers sweet nothings you hang on to every word.  You tell yourself you're learning so much business wise while you replace his disgruntled cook and annoy your employer who can't reach you.  

Why not go for an MBA or if you already have one see if your employer offers seminars/training that might pique your strong business interests.

[DancingFool]

OP, you have provided your professional services for free. You have acted as his personal assistant/errand girl for free. You have acted as a hired cook for free. You have also been his companion and more....and paid for that by spending your own money to travel/hotels/etc. No doubt in your mind you are trying to prove to him that you are equals and not a user. 

Unfortunately for you, he is more than happy to use you in all kinds of ways .....for free. Also, you are not and will not be financial equals. Please stop kidding yourself about that. You are burning your money trying to play jet set without the actual jet set budget. Not to mention risking losing your actual paying job over this charade.

As for him introducing you as his gf, honestly, what else would he say? Here is my assistant with extra benefits? It's nothing more than him avoiding awkwardness and unnecessary explanations. Today he is introducing you as gf, tomorrow it will be someone else. It has that little significance in his world and among people he knows. Nobody cares.

I'm sorry but you've been so exceedingly naive about this entire situation that I honestly thought you are in your mid-20's. So here is the deal - do not confuse someone using you for your services, sending you on errands, and otherwise leaving you to clean up their messes with caring about you. Also, pay attention to the giant red flag slapping you in the face - if he treats his actual paid staff badly and people are quitting or on the verge of, it's only a matter of time before that side of him will turn on you too. Beware.

Finally, if you want to be respected as a professional intelligent woman and as an equal, then act like it. Meaning be professional, have a contract and clear boundaries, do actually get paid and not just with some vague promises that you now realize won't happen. IF you do decide to get involved on a more personal level, then again, be clear about what it is you are stepping into and what the boundaries are. Don't live on promises and presumptions because there is nothing smart about that.

[tattoobunnie]

Growing up with pretty well to do families...I should say old money to be more exact...to be honest, the whole extravagant over the top yacht, traveling...single old friends of the family, for 1st dates, they would do helicopter rides to get a Maine lobster, limos to a concert, rides on their speed boats, VIP tables at night clubs...some I know did this with many women at the same time.  And some actually got married to one of them after waking up one day, and realizing this person was the one.  Some got pregnant, and still couldn't get them to marry them, while some did.  So "traditional" when it comes to old money is not the same as conventional.  Some lead with money for many reasons.  And mainly, we have to do an intervention when we say don't lead with money, go to coffee and see if you like eachother first, especially after many dumb, flighty, failed relationships.

But to sum it all, putting money aside.  Who cares.  Do you actually like him?  Do you like how he treats people who aren't from a wealthy background?  Does he give back?  Do you like the same music and books? Do you both have a lot in common or a connection?  Do you think he's hot without the Range Rover?  That's what you should focus on; if he's worth your time.  And if he is, tell him you mean business, and want him to be your boyfriend, and you be his girlfriend.  It really is that simple.  And if you cannot have this conversation with him, he's not the one for you.

[boltnrun]

To a guy I used to date I was "a" girlfriend. To my husband I was HIS girlfriend.

See the difference? 

Yes, you could be "a" girlfriend but not "THE" girlfriend.

[levie]

 

6 minutes ago, tattoobunnie said:

 

But to sum it all, putting money aside.  Who cares.  Do you actually like him?  Do you like how he treats people who aren't from a wealthy background?  Does he give back?  Do you like the same music and books? Do you both have a lot in common or a connection?  Do you think he's hot without the Range Rover?  That's what you should focus on; if he's worth your time.  And if he is, tell him you mean business, and want him to be your boyfriend, and you be his girlfriend.  It really is that simple.  And if you cannot have this conversation with him, he's not the one for you.

I do actually like him.  I like the books he reads - I read the same, I like the same music  and I like his politics - mine is the same.  We like the same food. There are many many ways in which we align. I like his work ethics - I have the same.  He has deep connection to my country. He is not ugly but he isn't handsome - but I still very much like him.  He treats people who are not from wealthy background exceptionally well.  He has interesting innovative ideas, he is dynamic, engaging.  I He is a difficult person and a difficult character.  But I learned to deal with it.  

 

[levie]

47 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Wait, I thought you said he added you to his "household" and gave you access to accounts. Now you're saying he is unaware you have his passwords?

What prompted you to spy on him anyway?

I am not in his head.  I do not know what he is or not aware of on the day-to-day basis.  I have my own life and my own priorities. I have a lot more passwords he gave me. I do not  use them.  

There are two things that prompted me to observe him - after our trip - he did not invite me to go to New York, and the text messages I saw - this raised worry of mistrust for me. 

He promised to come and visit me instead.

[levie]

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

What did you "move forward" to -having sexual contact from being "just friends" with this wealthy man you put on a pedestal?  What kind of high recommendation -that he was looking for a serious relationship, in general or with you? That he was wealthy and could pamper you? Whoever told you that he is single because he's busy and  a hard worker- well you know that's ridiculous -just look around you at all the committed couples who are really busy and hard workers (husband and I included). He's single because he chooses to be.  

I do not need to be pampered. You're hyper focused on that for whatever reason.  The recommendation is that he was looking for a serious relationship, and that I would be a fit to him. 

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

He may not be a player -you're playing around with yourself - with your emotions, with your rationalizations and dishonesty with yourself.  Because you like the benefits -this older, wealthy man who dangles trinkets in front of you

No trinkets involved, don't get excited. This yacht trip wasn't really that great to be quite honest.  

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

and owns a yacht and whispers sweet nothings you hang on to every word.  You tell yourself you're learning so much business wise while you replace his disgruntled cook and annoy your employer who can't reach you.  

Why not go for an MBA or if you already have one see if your employer offers seminars/training that might pique your strong business interests.

I already have masters from a very prestigious university from a different field, not MBA. 

[Wiseman2]

On 4/2/2022 at 6:01 PM, levie said:

I have access to his house's cameras...because I'm part of his household. 

I saw he had another woman..evening and morning..two and two together.  

It seems like you are shocked that you are just another fluky/chick. Sure it hurts but he doesn't care.

It seems like he fancies himself some sort of Hugh Hefner type.

Find a man who wants what you want and get out of this mess.

 

[Batya33]

I'm not hyperfocused -you asked me -and assumed -that we all love to be treated to fancy dinners, etc. - that plus your hyperfocus in your initial post about his wealth, his yacht, your interactions with his wealth and yacht - spoke volumes.  

The issue isn't whether you enjoyed your yacht trip -you, with a degree from a prestigious university, with this fantastic salary and a good career - you chose to put all that at risk for some guy who you put on a pedestal for your own reasons -- you pretend you're his friend but you spy on him.  You pretend you two are close but you go on recommendations from others that he'd make a good person to get sexually involved with.  You went to a prestigious university but you buy the excuse that he is single because he works hard and is busy.

There's something really smelly and icky here.  I feel uncomfortable reading about your choices because I fear that others reading about your choices will think all or most women -including intelligent, financially independent, business savvy women would be this in denial, make these rationalizations, just to latch on to some wealthy man.  But it's not true, at all  -it's true in your case.  Please show some self respect and consider all you learned at your university and in life about being a person of ethics, character and integrity and not just when it's convenient.  You're 45.  You know better.

[Jaunty]

I have to secretly chuckle a bit.  He has sexual dysfunction, evidently.  His yacht has issues.  His cook walked out right before a trip, so he is not necessarily popular with his employees.   He's a bad judge of character in personal as well as business life.  He makes promises he doesn't keep and is unreliable with plans.   Apparently he is very careless with his personal information like passwords and credit cards, as a casual sex partner / volunteer administrative assistant such as yourself can access all of them unbeknownst to him.  And he has a difficult character himself.   

He doesn't sound like much of a trophy.  I'm honestly surprised that he's such a hotshot of a businessman. 

In any case, I realize that we are being pretty hard on you here.  You've set yourself up for it by presenting this situation in several different views that are all contradictory.  One thing we probably agree upon:  you aren't his girlfriend in any sense.  I am a bit concerned that a person of your age and evident education and career achievement would put herself into this silly mess.  20 something backpackers who encounter some rich people in their travels and ride along for a while, helping out here and there, partying, etc. makes sense, but that's not who you are. 

Enjoy the Easter platter, and start trying to get your career back on track, unless you are ready to retire. 

[catfeeder]

On 4/2/2022 at 6:01 PM, levie said:

...do I ..cut him off? go no-contact?  ...

I'm so sorry you're hurting, and my heart goes out to you.

You may have been so enamored with this guy's lifestyle and business that you lost clarity about how to establish what YOU want from a lover, up front, before falling into HIS assumptions about your willingness to 'go along with...' whatever he wants.

Nobody here can tell you what you 'should' do, because we all have different expectations for ourselves and what's important to us.

Lots of people negotiate certain trade-offs for certain payoffs.

Speaking only for myself, I don't look down my nose at people who make those trades, but they're just not for me. My priorities are trust, simpatico and the kind of intimacy where I can whisper my secrets and feel good about that.

So for me, establishing an understanding of where I stand with a lover comes first, rather than sleeping first and asking questions later.

You'll need to decide whether cutting the guy off and going no contact is a legit option or whether you'd intend to use that to try to extract a reaction from him.

In other words, you're either still on the table with him, or you are not.

If not, then you don't need to stress this--silence is your best option for a most comfortable exit.

However, if you're invested in trying to influence him? That's a pretty high stress place to be, because you've seen at least one of your competitors, and if you make waves, he can just move over to her.

So... decide whether that's how you want to live.

If your answer is 'no,' then your next steps are simple.

Head high, no matter what you choose to do.

[SherrySher]

On 4/4/2022 at 10:39 AM, levie said:

 

he is not a player.

You were lied to.

What else is he or his friends lying to you about?

[boltnrun]

6 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

You were lied to.

What else is he or his friends lying to you about?

My ex's friends helped him cover up. He was seeing three other women besides me. His friends never told me about them unless they didn't happen to like one of them, then they told me. Otherwise I wasn't told.

[smackie9]

Rich and powerful men play by their own rules. They are great manipulators. He is not protective, he is being possessive. He is giving you the illusion he cares about you. Guys like him are dangerous. 

[Batya33]

4 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Rich and powerful men play by their own rules. They are great manipulators. He is not protective, he is being possessive. He is giving you the illusion he cares about you. Guys like him are dangerous. 

Some are some aren't just like rich and powerful women.  Depends how they make their money, what they do with their money, how they treat their power, etc.  A person who is wealthy and has power over hiring/firing, etc can choose to use this power to contribute to his employees, his community and beyond or can choose to misuse all/any of the above.  I've met all kinds -men and women.

I have an acquaintance who has no money -or seems not to -and tries to manipulate people into giving her $ for her newest "business venture", for her dog's surgery, and on and on.  Another with no money who manipulated hundreds in my mom's facebook group of buying tickets to a fundraiser, then didn't pay the venue, pocketed the $, etc.  She did do time for it. 

This particular person as the OP describes him very likely justifies being dishonest and not just in his personal affairs.  I wouldn't be shocked if he also lies about his business affairs/financial dealings.  This guy seems to be all smoke and mirrors.  The OP seems to be ignoring the smoke and mirrors and creating smoke and mirrors to justify ignoring the red flags and to justify spying on him.

[levie]

On 4/5/2022 at 12:23 PM, Batya33 said:

 

This particular person as the OP describes him very likely justifies being dishonest and not just in his personal affairs.  I wouldn't be shocked if he also lies about his business affairs/financial dealings.  This guy seems to be all smoke and mirrors.  The OP seems to be ignoring the smoke and mirrors and creating smoke and mirrors to justify ignoring the red flags and to justify spying on him.

Thats correct. I found out from our mutual friend - the disaster I've seen with the boat employees leaving - the same is going on with his other business real estate.  Its the same personality creates the same problems across all his work, and across relationships.

He is still planning to meet me after birthday.

I just saw woman #2 in the video.  She is another one he was corresponding with - and by conversation she feels they have been in relationship - knows him well.  Woman #1 from last week is not around this week anymore.

There isn't much to say here - and I don't think I would need to have a conversation about exclusivity anymore - things are so very very clear.

I am just very grateful to all you guys who took the time to give your insight and life experience to me. When you're emotionally involved with someone who is manipulative, it is hard to see "forest or the trees".   Thank you again very very much.