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Relationship? I'm involved in all aspects of his life..I saw ..on security camera..what do I do?..I've been feeling sick and depressed


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2 hours ago, levie said:

There isn't much to say here - and I don't think I would need to have a conversation about exclusivity anymore - things are so very very clear.

I wouldn't bother, either. 

I would just leave and cut him out of my life. 

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I think you knew exactly what was happening and you chose the benefits over the risks and downsides. I think he may have acted in a manipulative way and you decided the business experience and being around this wealthy guy and getting to go on his yacht (even though it wasn’t what you expected ) was worth it.  
most of This entire thread you tried to manipulate and rationalize and not from a victim or naive perspective. I get that you also were attracted to him sexually and put him on a pedestal. That’s a challenge then to extricate yourself. I get it.
I’m glad you’re now going to make the choice to distance yourself.  If it helps you in making that choice to tell yourself you were his victim then there are worse ways to make sure you exit this interaction. 

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12 hours ago, Jaunty said:

In your first post you say he is your role model.   Now you are disparaging his character.  Yet, nothing has changed between your first post and today.  What gives?

The explanation is simple: I had imagined him to be a different person than he turned out to be.  In my mind I imbued him with more intelligence, and qualities than there are.  I am going through disillusionment and its painful.

What I had observed on that boat - crew quitting (4 successive captains) - turned out the same with his other project - our mutual friend/colleague had said his chaotic behavior transfers across projects.  I observed him yelling at the top of his lungs at a crew member.  He dismissed my work needs to prioritize his packing and his side trips.

As a result my work has terribly suffered. Today they had let me go. In the last day, I had not replied to his texts, and he called. I had a conversation with him and told him about my work, he said he feels 100% responsible

He wrote to me later:

"I am shocked but I won't leave you and will work with you to overcome and come out stronger. We are a great team and you're especially great, greater than great'...Can you not hate me 100% but only 90 % lets get together and make a plan. I can come to California for your birthday"

To this end, I asked him "come to California in what capacity?". I'm waiting for that answer. I am sure he appreciates me as a team member and does not want to lose me, but that's not what I am waiting to hear.

Voile!

 

 

 

 

 

 

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2 minutes ago, levie said:

I'm waiting for that answer.

May I ask why?

You know what his deal is. You know he has other women in his life. Why are you wasting your time waiting for an answer?

I would respect myself more, and forget this strange man. 

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I think that looking at his security cameras is not very healthy for you. You keep upsetting yourself because you're seeing the other women come over. 

I think maybe what the situation here is, he's a rich guy, he travels a lot. He has houses in different cities and different countries and he travels on his yacht too. He's enjoying this nomad and carefree lifestyle. He likes to have a woman by his side when he travels for company and for sex. But it really doesn't seem like he wants to commit to either you or those other women.

By letting you see the other women, indirectly he's actually letting you know "where you stand". He's not hiding it because he wants you to know that he's also seeing other women. He's letting you know and  by continuing to see him, you let him know that you're OK with this arrangement.

I would say in some sense he has "sugar baby" types of relationships with women. Maybe he doesn't give them money but they travel with him for free and stay with him for free and have servants waiting on them, etc.

I think from his actions it's fairly obvious he is not in love with you or wants a serious relationship with you.

I mean, you could see this as a fun fling and enjoy the travels, but in the meantime look for other guys for a relationship. Or you could just walk away from it all. It's really up to you.

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You have answered your own question. He sees you as a team member. Someone useful who helps him managing his business and his life. 

But I am struggling to see the benefits for you. Your career has suffered and you have lost your job. There is clearly nothing romantic going on and he's seeing other women. Any business connections you have made are inextricably tied to his presence in your life. Any business experience you have gained with him you cannot even put on your resume and any work you do for him is in an unpaid capacity and compensated via getting to tag along on trips and stay in his properties etc. 

You say "it is not what i am waiting to hear". You shouldn't be waiting to hear anything. There should be nothing he could say that would change your mind about cutting him out of your life. 

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6 hours ago, levie said:

We are a great team and you're especially great, greater than great'..

There's your answer. You're not his live, gf, partner in life. You're on his team of hot assistants with benefits.

Honestly, just cut communication with him and reflect on why you are so attached to such man and made such decisions. Reflect on what live partner you want and need in your life, and go for nothing less.

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I’m baffled still by your moving target reactions.  I’m sorry you lost your job. Perhaps when you chose to go on a yacht with iffy internet so you couldn’t do your work your employer couldn’t justify keeping you on.  That’s not really a teamwork kind of attitude to go on a yacht for an extended period and risk not being able to do your job. 
I think you knew what he was about far far earlier and you stayed for the perks and benefits until you felt jealous.  I hope you stop being in contact with him. 

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8 hours ago, levie said:

I asked him "come to California in what capacity?". I'm waiting for that answer.

In the full story you initially typed, it was so totally clear the emotional disconnection between you two. It's like everyone except you could see you two are poles apart. A man who is a caring, respectful human being will make it clear if he is multi-dating or otherwise. Of course, you were also at fault in assuming things versus plainly asking. And you say he's lacking in the intimacy department, so why is he some prize for you?

You still haven't learned enough from your mistakes to achieve success in romance. Why do you think an unethical man, who's known you a good 6 months but chooses to sleep with other women, will magically change into a man who is crazy about you and will forsake all others and be monogamous?

My suggestion is to be alone to work on your self-esteem. You can read books on how to do that, plus books on how to go about dating wisely. The secret to relationship happiness is to be with someone you can be happy with in the present, versus hoping someone will change for you to be happy. As Maya Angelou said, "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time."

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12 hours ago, levie said:

The explanation is simple: I had imagined him to be a different person than he turned out to be.  In my mind I imbued him with more intelligence, and qualities than there are.  

 

in your first post, one week ago, you referred to him as your role model.  Nothing in real life has transpired between the time you first posted and today. You have been providing housekeeping type services for him, and you had a brief fling.  You have not seen him since, in any capacity (professional or personal), and he is dating different people.

 Yet your whole narrative about the man has morphed completely.  Now you're making him out to be some kind of a clownish loser figure who can barely function.  Nobody's "role model."  

Also, you recently posted:

Quote

I don't think I would need to have a conversation about exclusivity anymore - things are so very very clear.

But today, for some reason, you are waiting for answers.  What's the point of that, when you are not going to tell him that you have been using his passwords to spy on him and you know he's having casual flings with at least 2 other women besides yourself?   That little reality is not going to disappear.

Also, in your first post you said that he has "compelled" your work, and you described yourself as having a  successful career.  But now, one week later, during which you have had no new experiences with him and his messy boat and business,  you are suddenly jobless?  

Honestly, this whole thing is sounding quite farfetched the further down the rabbit hole it travels.   

Edited by Jaunty
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12 hours ago, levie said:

To this end, I asked him "come to California in what capacity?". I'm waiting for that answer. I am sure he appreciates me as a team member and does not want to lose me, but that's not what I am waiting to hear.

But what we're trying to tell you is, his answers won't make a difference anymore.

He is sleeping around, he's not loyal to you and he has treated you like staff many times over.

Even if you ask direct questions like "Are we in a committed relationship?"

He's going to give you whatever answer he thinks you will accept, that doesn't necessarily mean it's true.

He has no loyalty towards you when it comes to being a one woman man...you know this.

Why are you still trying to fool yourself that he is ever going to be committed and loyal (as in not sleeping around), to only you?

It's never going to happen...never.

His mind doesn't work that way.

He uses people for what he needs and manipulates in order to get what he wants.

He's not boyfriend material and he's sure not husband material.

You need to start being honest with yourself.

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1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

 

His mind doesn't work that way.

He uses people for what he needs and manipulates in order to get what he wants.

How or why we are judging this man? I really haven't gotten that impression.  He is surrounded by people.  Some of them he has sex with from time to time.  That's not inherently manipulative.  

A

  

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18 hours ago, Jaunty said:

How or why we are judging this man? I really haven't gotten that impression.  He is surrounded by people.  Some of them he has sex with from time to time.  That's not inherently manipulative.  

A

  

We all have our own opinions on this forum, our perspectives are not always the same, nor do we always have the same outlooks.

That's precisely why people come to this forum, to hear different perspectives.

I may not understand your views or opinions, but I don't challenge them, nor ask you to explain yourself.

I would explain to OP if they needed more info on what I meant, because they are the one asking.

But I'm not sure challenging other advisors or asking them to explain themselves is necessary.

Again, another point of view. 

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1 hour ago, SherrySher said:

We all have our own opinion on this forum, our perspectives are not always the same, nor do we always have the same outlooks.

 

I honestly wasn't challenging your opinion, I just didn't see anywhere that the OP described behavior that would be considered  "manipulative" by this erstwhile jettsetter, with his leaky yacht and unreliable character and crew.   Maybe those posts got deleted along the way.  

 

 

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5 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

I honestly wasn't challenging your opinion, I just didn't see anywhere that the OP described behavior that would be considered  "manipulative" by this erstwhile jettsetter, with his leaky yacht and unreliable character and crew.   Maybe those posts got deleted along the way.  

 

 

Please read above again.

This isn't really a forum to argue other advisors viewpoints or ask them to explain themselves.

It's not really a fair tactic.

Thank you.

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I don’t think he manipulated her because she seemed to have eyes wide open. Eyes that got bigger as she saw the perks and benefits of hanging out with him. She only started thinking he was manipulative when she felt hurt when she spied on him and found out he was seeing other women.    
She says she thought they were an item but with all their business discussions and plans for her to be on his yacht and sexual entanglements she never thought to ask direct questions about their relationship. That was the one area she made huge assumptions about - once she discovered she might want him for herself romantically.  

we only know what she’s shared about his business dealings and employees.
 

But she also is a person who went on a yacht expecting her employer to understand if she didn’t have any internet access at sea and couldn’t perform her job responsibilities. She also shared that she focused on him telling his friends to “treat her like family “ knowing that there likely was shady stuff happening but she liked that in her imagination this seemed to indicate romantic interest. 

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On 4/9/2022 at 9:51 AM, Jaunty said:

in your first post, one week ago, you referred to him as your role model.  Nothing in real life has transpired between the time you first posted and today. You have been providing housekeeping type services for him, and you had a brief fling. 

I met him 3 years ago. I did not know him but my impression however incorrect it was that he is smart intelligent, and was into new technology. It inspired me to start my masters. As I was studying, we would occasionally text and see each other (super rarely) - always about new technology, new medical advances - he added me to his medical innovation group - I was just mostly reading.  That was super interesting so I didn't know him very well. 

After I graduated (degree in AI) - he started talking to me more actively and involved me in his businesses - zoom calls with introductions of his company people, etc.  Everything up to now has been friendship, work interest and no sex. 3 months after I had graduated and have been involved in the zoom calls - he had invited me to Nyc to stay at his house. I stayed in a different room, there were two other people there - there was no physical intimacy.  I was ok to stay since up to this moment we were friends. I stayed for a couple of days - he left abroad and left me and another girl in his house, then he had another family friend stay there.  As a courtesy, I tried to leave the place clean. Normal, no? 

Romantic relationship started when he invited me to go to Munich. a month after nyc.  There was no arrangement. 

That was in September - October October - November I worked in perestnation with his partners.  I saw him again end of December when he invited me to go on a yacht. Originally it would have been over Christmas holidays (I took a week+ off work) - but the boat was not working and I ended up flying home and flying back in feb. We were together Dec-end Jan, and mid Feb- mid March.

Mid-Feb to mid March - was when the yacht actually left to go across Atlantic.  And the internet wasn't quite was I expecting. and I got to know him a lot better, we got closer and I saw not very positive sides of him.

Mid march I left home and he to nyc. 2-3 weeks had elapsed since I saw him..Not a huge amount of time..but also not enough to go hang out with other women.

I do not feel my connection with him was haphazard or an arrangement of any sort. 

My work collapsed during and after boat trip, with full on collapse this Friday. ( took two weeks).

On 4/9/2022 at 9:51 AM, Jaunty said:

 

Also, in your first post you said that he has "compelled" your work, and you described yourself as having a  successful career.  But now, one week later, during which you have had no new experiences with him and his messy boat and business,  you are suddenly jobless?  

Honestly, this whole thing is sounding quite farfetched the further down the rabbit hole it travels.   

 

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