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Relationship? I'm involved in all aspects of his life..I saw ..on security camera..what do I do?..I've been feeling sick and depressed


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Hi Levie,

 

What a situation huh, easy for a girl to get swept up in. There is a reason why books like ‘50 Shades of Grey’ sold millions of copies. The fantasy of the multi-millionaire or billionaire sweeping women off their feet is time tested! 
 

But it sounds like you have yourself a high grade player here. I don’t think this sounds like the foundation for a serious relationship - if you are honest with yourself, do you? 
 

Like Lambert has said, to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, you can sit down, have a frank and open conversation with him about your future and see what he says. If he refuses to be exclusive or spins you excuses you have your answer…although, he is seeing plenty of women and cheeky, two at a time, whilst calling you his girlfriend! That says it all! Then he uses the we are just dating card? It’s a casual thing but he unfairly is giving you a title to friends and in private and I’m not sure why he is playing these games but I could make a guess! 
 

There are plenty of glamorous women who are happy to be side chicks or very casual girlfriends in open relationships with wealthy men who pamper them. Is that you? You have to ask yourself what you really want, what you really need and what is good for you.

 

It’s fine to be used in some mutual arrangement as long as it is very clear what those terms are between two consenting adults. If he’s not being clear and is messing around with other women whilst sometimes calling you a girlfriend but also employing you and then letting family stay at one of his properties whilst he’s away it’s very confusing. You need to ask him to be clear - what are his intentions? 
 

x
 

 

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This 'type' of man I do not see one to 'settle'.  His lifestyle is busy & crazy 😕 .

I know a few 'business' men who act out this way.  They'll get a 'girl on the side', while they travel.  Have a hook up for a short while then move on.  Some women don't care....

I do feel for you, who, by sounds of it, has gotten emotionally involved with this guy.. But, I don't see the same from his side.

Is maybe best to either aim at keeping it professional only - or, end all and move along.

 

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3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Questions:  Are you an employee of this man?   On salary?  Or a private contractor?  Also, did you have a job when you first started dating, or did you become employed and then morphed into a casual sex type of thing while you were on the job?  

I am not his official employee and he is not paying me - he has promised stock in this company but it hasn't materialized and it may never. We had started out as friends. 

A stay in his apartment or the boat - would be a form of his reciprocation for my help for his projects.

In my life, he provided a different business perspective - that ordinarily I would not exposed to - and it was more to learn something - which I have been.  That is the end in itself.

The relationship took a romantic turn - my understanding - he would not introduce me to his family, work and friends if I was a side chick. Perhaps I am wrong.

 

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1 minute ago, levie said:

I am not his official employee and he is not paying me - he has promised stock in this company but it hasn't materialized and it may never. We had started out as friends. 

A stay in his apartment or the boat - would be a form of his reciprocation for my help for his projects.

In my life, he provided a different business perspective - that ordinarily I would not exposed to - and it was more to learn something - which I have been.  That is the end in itself.

The relationship took a romantic turn - my understanding - he would not introduce me to his family, work and friends if I was a side chick. Perhaps I am wrong.

 

Sounds like business associates who started having a sexual relationship.  I totally didn't understand he was paying you with free vacations.  You decide whether what you are learning from him business-wise is worth the downsides of you getting attached emotionally and being involved with someone who has not expressed any interest in being in an exclusive committed relationship with you.  

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he knew you were abusing the access to his home system for spying he would toss you and your family out asap. As he should.

I have this access because he gave it to me.  He can see me in the list of his 'household'.  He knows I have it. As far as 'tossing' is concerned and what he 'should' do ...I've behaved very honorably in all aspects towards him (besides spying)

My family isn't, and would not stay with him. You did not read my post. 

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1 minute ago, levie said:

I have this access because he gave it to me.  He can see me in the list of his 'household'.  He knows I have it. As far as 'tossing' is concerned and what he 'should' do ...I've behaved very honorably in all aspects towards him (besides spying)

My family isn't, and would not stay with him. You did not read my post. 

"besides spying???" In what business world would this be ok? You're his colleague in business first and foremost.

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Posted (edited)
40 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"besides spying???" In what business world would this be ok? You're his colleague in business first and foremost.

Our agreement for my manner of help is not outlined - there is not set of responsibilities that I need or have a responsibility to perform. There is no contract.  I am not being compensated for it. At one point he promised stock but that has not materialized nor I believe will materialize. 

So it was my desire to help him in business, I'd say our relationship is personal foremost, and -  I give him advice/research/maybe sometimes design on the best of my ability and my time availability, my normal job comes first.  I do not have to do this, and I can stop any time without issues.

He asked to spend birthday with me, and now he wants to send a present to me and my family (its an easter platter) - its nice and thoughtful, but I will refuse it.

As in - how am I explaining it to them - they know him (on video and from my stories).. they feel he isn't serious - that being the rationale for refusal  - I will make it a very polite one.

 

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Just now, levie said:

Our agreement for my manner of help is not outlined - there is not set of responsibilities that I need or have a responsibility to perform. There is no contract.  I am not being compensated for it. So I'd say our relationship is personal foremost, and out of my desire -  I give him advice/research/maybe sometimes design on the best of my ability and my time availability, my normal job comes first.  I do not have to do this, and I can stop any time without issues.

He asked to spend birthday with me, and now he wants to send a present to me and my family (its an easter platter) - its nice and thoughtful, but I will refuse it.

As in - how am I explaining it to them - they know him (on video and from my stories).. they feel he isn't serious - that being the rationale for refusal  - I will make it a very polite one.

 

You continue to almost contradict yourself and give different versions in almost every post.  It doesn't matter if there is a contract -who asked about a contract? You said you connected with him in a business sense then it became personal.  That he paid you so to speak with these free vacations.  He enjoys dating you when it's convenient for him, he has a lot of $ as you've pointed out many times and he is happy to spend it on you and you enjoy the pampering.  

This is a business man. An extroverted business man.  If he wanted something serious with you he'd be totally clear about it -why in the world would he want to risk losing you because you were supposed to read smoke signals?  A business man of all people knows how crucial it is to be clear of what he wants, doesn't want, what the terms are.  He likes things the way they are with you.  It's fun and flattering and he enjoys your company. Sure -ask him if you like what his intentions are - but it sounds like you already know the answer.

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

If he knew you were abusing the access to his home system for spying he would toss you and your family out asap. As he should.

 

44 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

"besides spying???" In what business world would this be ok? You're his colleague in business first and foremost.

 

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

Hi Levie,

 

What a situation huh, easy for a girl to get swept up in. There is a reason why books like ‘50 Shades of Grey’ sold millions of copies. The fantasy of the multi-millionaire or billionaire sweeping women off their feet is time tested! 
 

But it sounds like you have yourself a high grade player here. I don’t think this sounds like the foundation for a serious relationship - if you are honest with yourself, do you? 
 

Like Lambert has said, to give this guy the benefit of the doubt, you can sit down, have a frank and open conversation with him about your future and see what he says. If he refuses to be exclusive or spins you excuses you have your answer…although, he is seeing plenty of women and cheeky, two at a time, whilst calling you his girlfriend! That says it all! Then he uses the we are just dating card? It’s a casual thing but he unfairly is giving you a title to friends and in private and I’m not sure why he is playing these games but I could make a guess! 
 

There are plenty of glamorous women who are happy to be side chicks or very casual girlfriends in open relationships with wealthy men who pamper them. Is that you? You have to ask yourself what you really want, what you really need and what is good for you.

While it seems he's going out with more than me - he doesn't want a glamorous woman - he wants a very educated woman with a serious career. He is turned off by 'show' ie Chanels etc.

4 hours ago, mylolita said:

It’s fine to be used in some mutual arrangement as long as it is very clear what those terms are between two consenting adults. If he’s not being clear and is messing around with other women whilst sometimes calling you a girlfriend but also employing you and then letting family stay at one of his properties whilst he’s away it’s very confusing. You need to ask him to be clear - what are his intentions? 
 

x
 

 

 

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3 minutes ago, levie said:

While it seems he's going out with more than me - he doesn't want a glamorous woman - he wants a very educated woman with a serious career. He is turned off by 'show' ie Chanels etc.

Do you know this from your spying? It doesn't matter whether he has a type or not.  Right now he doesn't want to be in a serious relationship with you and doesn't see potential for that.  You may wish to confirm this with him and sure, go for it.  

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2 hours ago, levie said:

I am not his official employee and he is not paying me - he has promised stock in this company but it hasn't materialized and it may never. We had started out as friends. 

A stay in his apartment or the boat - would be a form of his reciprocation for my help for his projects.

 

 

Did you quit your own job in order to take on these various chores for him?  You've mentioned before that you are a successful professional person.

Also, and I'm sure you're aware of this, people who are having a sexual relationship with a person while staying as their guest on their boat or apartment generally would not be expected to "pay" for the privilege of staying.  Neither would his friends or business associates, for whom you were acting as cook.

I'm not understanding why you have engaged in this arrangement.  

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3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Did you quit your own job in order to take on these various chores for him?  You've mentioned before that you are a successful professional person.

I had big problems at work as a result of this - also internet connection he promised wasn't quite stable and it was difficult to work. As a result my career did suffer. I'm trying to recover it.

3 hours ago, Jaunty said:

Also, and I'm sure you're aware of this, people who are having a sexual relationship with a person while staying as their guest on their boat or apartment generally would not be expected to "pay" for the privilege of staying.  Neither would his friends or business associates, for whom you were acting as cook.

I'm not understanding why you have engaged in this arrangement.  

He had a cook but the day before we were supposed to leave - he quit. He asked me last minute, this was not my expectation, I was supposed to be.a guest and work for my job on my time.  This trip was a disaster in many aspects.

I went because I wanted to spent more time with him.

This person has  problems, as in - he is not very active intimately .. sorry to get into details, relations were very rare. As I thought  I was his gf  (because he referred to me as such) -  lack of physical aspect was a problem for me.

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6 hours ago, levie said:

have this access because he gave it to me.  He can see me in the list of his 'household'.  He knows I have it.

Then this should tell you something - he doesn't even bother hiding other women from you. He doesn't genuinely view you as his girlfriend, OP. You're role-playing that, essentially. 

A man who saw you as more than a so-called side chick would not be bringing other women around right under your nose where he knows you can see it. 

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On 4/2/2022 at 4:01 PM, levie said:

The man I have been dating - I know for 3 years.  In the last year since May - he has reached out to me - and asked me to help with his companies. He's very well off - and I have a degree in AI - he started getting me involved in zoom calls - introducing me to the two CEOs he works with - along with his friends.

I have been very much inspired by him - he has been my role model and at first it propelled my work - then it became more...

A month later - I visited and stayed at his house in nyc.  There was no physical relationship - I stayed in a separate room. He started romancing me after he left his house - invited me to join him in Germany - where he organized meeting with his friends, and the CEOs.  This was in October. I went with him to Munich, Barcelona, Monaco, Zurich - we were together.   In Zurich he said he'll join me in Milan then never met me.- made excuses that he was busy.

I left back to the states - I continued working with the group I met on presentation.

He is very well off - but I also hold my own - I have a fantastic career and a good salary. I like him - he's fun and we get along intellectually very well and so physically.

In December he invited me for his yacht - the boat had problems and on and off for the next 3 months - I stayed on the boat with him - and eventually travelled from EU to carribean - sleeping, eating, dealing with very big problems together. Every day. 

He introduced me to more friends in Carribean that he knew for 20 years.   None of his people I worked with - told me that he was dating other people.

But on his phone I saw messages to other girls - I decided to ignore it and focus on our relationship. - this was during middle of trip. End of trip - he asked me to go home to Miami and that he will join me in two weeks - he went to his house in NYC - he said he has so much work to do.

He has been in constant contact with me, - and I less so - I did not feel comfortable knowing what I knew..

I have access to his credit card (I never used it) - but I can see the charges.  And I have access to his house's cameras...because I'm part of his household. I keep in constant contact with his close friends, who always reach out to me.  ..

I saw he had another woman..evening and morning..two and two together.  

He has been asking to visit me and spent my birthday with me...

I feel like the last 6 months (or at least 3) I have been in relationship with him...we have a strong connection, intellectually, I know his friends (almost all), and they know me.. I am still (but less) involved in his company. He constantly send me private financial information.

I am completely confused as to what to do with what I saw...he's with another woman..I was going to spend my birthday with him - I am with my family now..

...do I ..cut him off? go no-contact?  ...

He is a very well off man, and he sounds like a jet setter. I'm not saying every single man like him, would cheat, but not many would be a one woman man.

I suspect that even if you confronted him about this, he would prefer an open relationship.

I doubt he will see it as a problem, more a lifestyle that he enjoys and isn't willing to change.

If this isn't something your comfortable with, you should end it and just tell him it's not working for you anymore, and leave it at that.

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10 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Then this should tell you something - he doesn't even bother hiding other women from you. He doesn't genuinely view you as his girlfriend, OP. You're role-playing that, essentially. 

A man who saw you as more than a so-called side chick would not be bringing other women around right under your nose where he knows you can see it. 

I do not think he is aware I saw him with her.  Actually, I saw he didn't want her to come up to the kitchen and meet the 4 boys who are staying with him.  - I know one of the boys.  I just met him and his family on this trip.  It seems he was sneaking her in and out. 

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2 minutes ago, levie said:

I do not think he is aware I saw him with her.  Actually, I saw he didn't want her to come up to the kitchen and meet the 4 boys who are staying with him.  - I know one of the boys.  I just met him and his family on this trip.  It seems he was sneaking her in and out. 

Not very sneaky when he has security cameras in the house, and his entire "household" can spy upon his activities at their leisure. 

I don't understand why you are planning to refuse his lovely gift of an Easter platter.   

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10 minutes ago, levie said:

I do not think he is aware I saw him with her.  Actually, I saw he didn't want her to come up to the kitchen and meet the 4 boys who are staying with him.  - I know one of the boys.  I just met him and his family on this trip.  It seems he was sneaking her in and out. 

He knows the risk is there if he gave you access to his home security system, OP. He isn't stupid. He's not hiding her from you.

You are in quite a bit of denial here. 

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10 minutes ago, levie said:

I do not think he is aware I saw him with her.  Actually, I saw he didn't want her to come up to the kitchen and meet the 4 boys who are staying with him.  - I know one of the boys.  I just met him and his family on this trip.  It seems he was sneaking her in and out. 

Levie, you really are well and truly kidding yourself.

You never had any type of romantic relationship with him, it sounds far more like an arrangement.

You scratch his back, he'll scratch yours, but even then, you were treated more like an employee rather than an actual girlfriend.

You seem to keep skipping past the point of how much trouble you would be in he if finds out that you were indeed spying on his personal affairs.

"Girlfriend", or not, you had no right and it could become quite serious if he ever finds out.

His cook doesn't show up, so he ask you...I mean, you really need to stop kidding yourself here.

You were treated far more like an employee with side benefits than you ever were a girlfriend.

Side note: if a man views you as a girlfriend, he never disrespects you by having you jump into the role of house sitter, cook, etc....whether he is rich, or not!!

You cannot be serious that you thought in any way, shape, or form that this man actually respected you as an equal and as a girlfriend but has you stepping in to fill the cook, house sitter, or whatever else role he needed at the moment for staff.

I'm sorry, Levie, but I really do think you've been deluding yourself about this entire thing.

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Let me put it to you this way:

You cook for free, clean for free, house sit, for free. Spend time with him with no actual promises for anything at all.

He just gets you to run around for him playing different roles when needed and you willingly do it all because you're so impressed someone with money is even paying attention to you, and you are desperate to be included in his world.

Heck, you're even willing to pay yourself to go where he asks you to and he sits back and does nothing.

The guy's gotta be laughing to himself at this point.

It sounds fairly messed up. You're being used, you know that don't you?

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10 hours ago, levie said:

..I've behaved very honorably in all aspects towards him (besides spying)

Besides spying? That's not honorable, it's a serious violation of trust.

You're just one of his flunkies. But a sneaky untrustworthy one.

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10 hours ago, levie said:

he would not introduce me to his family, work and friends if I was a side chick. Perhaps I am wrong.

I think you are wrong. Well, I think you are reading too much into the gesture of him introducing you to his family. I don't think it has anything to do with his faithfulness to you. He's already demonstrated his unconventional boundaries, giving you access to his credit card, having you stay at his houses when he is not there, making you part off his 'household.' And you said yourself that he gas "very bad discretion" in relationship's both personal and business. Sure, maybe you are no longer a side chick. Maybe you are his Main Squeeze, but you are not his only squeeze. Turning a blind eye to his messages to other girls does not erase them from reality. He can hide his philandering ways from his family, or they could be fully aware. Maybe they are all like that! 

Just because someone is a player doesn't mean they don't have depth and intelligence and that you can't feel a "connection" with them. I had a great friend like that when I was in graduate school. You would have thought he was in love with me from the way he chased me around--but I knew he wasn't. I didn't give him the time of day past friendship and he got over it because he made up for it elsewhere... a lot! You have to keep your head with someone like that. That feeling of "connection" that you get with them is only a feeling. Once you cross into intimacy they are a mess. And then you will be a mess. Once of my classmates fell head over heels for him--breached the plane. It was ugly.

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Definitely a relationship of convenience for him. You've gone out of your way to make yourself useful to him (providing business advice/helping him entertain guests/personal assistant/house sitter/mentee etc). And you also haven't been pressuring him for a commitment and generally seem pretty low maintenance and willing to put his needs first. So I can see the attraction for him. 

You seem to be getting the raw end of the deal but are hanging around because you have feelings for him and are fooling yourself into thinking that this could lead somewhere. 

Also you do not know what he is looking for. 

He may be looking for a relationship of equals with a successful career woman. But you do not have that. Your relationship is closer to mentor/mentee or CEO/consultant and a successful career woman wouldn't have time to play house, help him with his business, and do all the other stuff you do for him. Also generally relationship of equals involve partners successful in independent fields with little overlap. 

The physical intimacy thing is also a little worrying. I imagine he was being physically intimate with his female visitors. Does he show you any genuine affection or is that also lacking? And has he expressed any romantic feelings for you? My guess is probably not so much. 

You mention lots of things that you view as indicative you are in a relationship. You talk about his generosity but you seem to regard it as a form of payment for services rendered. You talk about him romancing you early on. But that is a form of salesmanship and charismatic CEOs are very good at that. You mention he is protective of you but that is consistent with him seeing you as a mentee and a friend. He referred to you a few times as his girlfriend but that is just a label which at the time may have been convenient to use especially considering how blurry your actual relationship is. You mention he has introduced you to his friends but it may just be because you are around so much that it would be too much effort to hide you and you are good at helping him to entertain guests and willing to step in and help with cooking etc. And he probably also realizes that introducing you to his friends will give you a sense of significance that will make you willing to continue being useful to him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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All of the above so very well said.  He might be using you but you are using him too in the way that you wrote above that you enjoy being pampered by him and wouldn't everyone (no, especially not in this situation).  I don't think you went -and risked your own career (of course an internet connection could be risky on a boat) just to spend time with him- you wanted to bask in his glow of the pedestal you put him on, meet his important friends, be pampered on a yacht.  Be real.

Also I doubt his cook quit -he probably wasn't thrilled with the cook and he realized he'd get free work out of you.  

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