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Relationship? I'm involved in all aspects of his life..I saw ..on security camera..what do I do?..I've been feeling sick and depressed


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The man I have been dating - I know for 3 years.  In the last year since May - he has reached out to me - and asked me to help with his companies. He's very well off - and I have a degree in AI - he started getting me involved in zoom calls - introducing me to the two CEOs he works with - along with his friends.

I have been very much inspired by him - he has been my role model and at first it propelled my work - then it became more...

A month later - I visited and stayed at his house in nyc.  There was no physical relationship - I stayed in a separate room. He started romancing me after he left his house - invited me to join him in Germany - where he organized meeting with his friends, and the CEOs.  This was in October. I went with him to Munich, Barcelona, Monaco, Zurich - we were together.   In Zurich he said he'll join me in Milan then never met me.- made excuses that he was busy.

I left back to the states - I continued working with the group I met on presentation.

He is very well off - but I also hold my own - I have a fantastic career and a good salary. I like him - he's fun and we get along intellectually very well and so physically.

In December he invited me for his yacht - the boat had problems and on and off for the next 3 months - I stayed on the boat with him - and eventually travelled from EU to carribean - sleeping, eating, dealing with very big problems together. Every day. 

He introduced me to more friends in Carribean that he knew for 20 years.   None of his people I worked with - told me that he was dating other people.

But on his phone I saw messages to other girls - I decided to ignore it and focus on our relationship. - this was during middle of trip. End of trip - he asked me to go home to Miami and that he will join me in two weeks - he went to his house in NYC - he said he has so much work to do.

He has been in constant contact with me, - and I less so - I did not feel comfortable knowing what I knew..

I have access to his credit card (I never used it) - but I can see the charges.  And I have access to his house's cameras...because I'm part of his household. I keep in constant contact with his close friends, who always reach out to me.  ..

I saw he had another woman..evening and morning..two and two together.  

He has been asking to visit me and spent my birthday with me...

I feel like the last 6 months (or at least 3) I have been in relationship with him...we have a strong connection, intellectually, I know his friends (almost all), and they know me.. I am still (but less) involved in his company. He constantly send me private financial information.

I am completely confused as to what to do with what I saw...he's with another woman..I was going to spend my birthday with him - I am with my family now..

...do I ..cut him off? go no-contact?  ...

Edited by levie
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It definitely sounds like he is seeing other people. you've seen this evidence and never said anything. And now you're just going to ghost him? 

That doesn't seem fair to me.  Did you guys agree to be exclusive? Did i miss that part?

I would probably talk to him and tell him I'm looking to be exclusive and see what he says. 

If you're not exclusive, yet, you have to be careful how you approach this.  You really have no right to be mad. But you have every right to ask for what you want. And then decide for yourself how you will go forward or not with this guy

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3 minutes ago, Lambert said:

It definitely sounds like he is seeing other people. you've seen this evidence and never said anything. And now you're just going to ghost him? 

That doesn't seem fair to me.  Did you guys agree to be exclusive? Did i miss that part?

I would probably talk to him and tell him I'm looking to be exclusive and see what he says. 

If you're not exclusive, yet, you have to be careful how you approach this.  You really have no right to be mad. But you have every right to ask for what you want. And then decide for yourself how you will go forward or not with this guy

Thank you that's fair. Yes I made assumption - that we are - because of complete involvement in his life: financial, emotional, intellectual. He emails me, calls me, texts me every day (calling every couple of days).

He is very protective of me (when we were in person) - and cares what I think and I do.

I've seen evidence and in both cases - it was an "illegal" way to see it - privacy.  And that aspect scared me. His friends refer to us as a "couple". 

If he were serious, would he not want to bring it up himself? If I do..means he doesn't want it?

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51 minutes ago, levie said:

Thank you that's fair. Yes I made assumption - that we are - because of complete involvement in his life: financial, emotional, intellectual. He emails me, calls me, texts me every day (calling every couple of days).

He is very protective of me (when we were in person) - and cares what I think and I do.

I've seen evidence and in both cases - it was an "illegal" way to see it - privacy.  And that aspect scared me. His friends refer to us as a "couple". 

If he were serious, would he not want to bring it up himself? If I do..means he doesn't want it?

You and he are casually dating.  I was struck by how many times you mentioned how wealthy he is.  Perhaps he is reluctant to get more involved with you because he sees how focused you are on his wealth.  He doesn't mind giving you access to his $ casually but getting more serious would mean he'd have to be ok with how into his wealth you are. Yes you said you make a fantastic salary -cool -but you are uber-focused on how rich he is.  Why?

He is wealthy and a good businessman.  So if he wanted you all to himself and wanted to stop dating others he'd know full well how to make that clear to you. Doesn't he close business deals on a regular basis?

I don't think he sees serious potential with you so unless you want to keep casually dating I'd stop seeing him.

Edited by Batya33
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I think he seriously wants non-monogamous relationships. It doesn't mean you can't bond intellectually or emotionally. But for this to work, it has to be what you want as well. Personally, I would find this arrangement impossible to live with. But for some people, it works. Make sure that you know what you want.

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11 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You and he are casually dating.  I was struck by how many times you mentioned how wealthy he is.  Perhaps he is reluctant to get more involved with you because he sees how focused you are on his wealth.  He doesn't mind giving you access to his $ casually but getting more serious would mean he'd have to be ok with how into his wealth you are. Yes you said you make a fantastic salary -cool -but you are uber-focused on how rich he is.  Why?

He is wealthy and a good businessman.  So if he wanted you all to himself and wanted to stop dating others he'd know full well how to make that clear to you. Doesn't he close business deals on a regular basis?

I don't think he sees serious potential with you so unless you want to keep casually dating I'd stop seeing him.

Yes Batya, I mentioned his wealth because you can see from my story - he has a yacht, a house (etc) in New York, in Munich, Berlin, London  that most people don't have. Secondly I mentioned - because some women he was involved before did date him for money and he broke it off or they did eventually.

Both in business and in personal relationships...he has very bad discretion, I learned.

As for me, I always paid my own way when he asked to meet - paid for my tickets for the trips, hotels, paid for dinner.  Its a matter of principle to me, a relationship should stand on its own... but sometimes - people who are businessmen are more morally ambiguous that's why I mentioned it.

..- he invests long term in startups - so no business deals per se how you'd imagine it.

It is certainly very nice when someone pays for dinner and there is a place to stay..isnt it.

 

..as for seriousness..I am gathering you are correct, thank you. I've been very involved with him on so many levels, its a hard decision to make but I have to do it.

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21 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

You and he are casually dating.  I was struck by how many times you mentioned how wealthy he is.  Perhaps he is reluctant to get more involved with you because he sees how focused you are on his wealth.  He doesn't mind giving you access to his $ casually but getting more serious would mean he'd have to be ok with how into his wealth you are. Yes you said you make a fantastic salary -cool -but you are uber-focused on how rich he is.  Why?

He is wealthy and a good businessman.  So if he wanted you all to himself and wanted to stop dating others he'd know full well how to make that clear to you. Doesn't he close business deals on a regular basis?

I don't think he sees serious potential with you so unless you want to keep casually dating I'd stop seeing him.

Batya, thank you also for your reply -  would it be your opinion - that exclusivity I need to discuss with him? Do I need to bring it up? 

He makes the appearance that we are exclusive (his friends confirm so).  (But because I'm like surveillance - I know it isn't true). 

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45 minutes ago, levie said:

It is certainly very nice when someone pays for dinner and there is a place to stay..isnt it.

It seems to be for you.  I mean it's "nice" in the context of a serious relationship and it's nice to be courted in the very beginning but what I found more comfortable was taking turns.  You're not paying rent to be on his yacht or paying for the fuel or upkeep or chipping in right?

I see that you mention his wealth because it triggers suspicion on your part.  That's kind of odd.  

Investing in startups is a type of business arrangement. So would he invest in a startup where he assumed the others knew the terms of his investment or would he make it 100% clear in writing? Same thing here - he's not making it clear because he doesn't care if you explore other options. But he likes playing at being a couple and getting the benefit of seeming like he's in an established relationship when he is with you.  

I wouldn't ask him unless you're ready for him to confirm the obvious.  If you ask him I'd say "I want to be in an exclusive, serious relationship with you.  I'm not sure if you want that too.  Do you?"

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2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

It seems to be for you.  I mean it's "nice" in the context of a serious relationship and it's nice to be courted in the very beginning but what I found more comfortable was taking turns.  You're not paying rent to be on his yacht or paying for the fuel or upkeep or chipping in right?

Yes well paying crew for 8 people (total maybe 20-30k) a month is steep, but I cooked for everyone, and that was my contribution. I think that's fair.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I see that you mention his wealth because it triggers suspicion on your part.  That's kind of odd.  

People are impressed by expensive dinners.  I liked him because he seemed to have classical values. But ..I was wrong apparently.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Investing in startups is a type of business arrangement. So would he invest in a startup where he assumed the others knew the terms of his investment or would he make it 100% clear in writing? Same thing here - he's not making it clear because he doesn't care if you explore other options. But he likes playing at being a couple and getting the benefit of seeming like he's in an established relationship when he is with you.  

Yes you are 100% correct. I was confused because of involvement in so many aspects of his life.

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I wouldn't ask him unless you're ready for him to confirm the obvious.  If you ask him I'd say "I want to be in an exclusive, serious relationship with you.  I'm not sure if you want that too.  Do you?"

Thank you Batya. I very much appreciate it.

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4 hours ago, levie said:

If he were serious, would he not want to bring it up himself? If I do..means he doesn't want it?

You're making a lot of assumptions and that's always going to lead to problems.

You seem to say you're involved in all these areas of his life, but are you being honest with yourself about where & how you fit into his life?

If you're so hesitant to open your mouth, to a guy, you are so closely associated, are you really that close? 

Doesn't sound like it. 

calls, attention, trips, dinners, yachts, are all great. but the best things in life are free, mainly respect & love. I'd rather know where I stand with a guy in a one room flat, that flounder in self doubt in an ivory tower. 

Maybe you need to look at your own priorities and values. Get your head on straight about what you want and need from this guy or any guy for that matter. Be true to yourself.  If you feel like based on his actions he owes you exclusivity, then tell him that and be ready to walk if it comes down to that.  

His actions say he is not serious. He may not change if he thinks you don't care. 

Relationships take two people working together.  That means communicating openly about your needs and wants. 

Its not just up to him. Its up to you, too. It sounds like you're really getting lead around in this situation. Is that good enough for you? 

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2 hours ago, Lambert said:

You're making a lot of assumptions and that's always going to lead to problems.

You seem to say you're involved in all these areas of his life, but are you being honest with yourself about where & how you fit into his life?

If you're so hesitant to open your mouth, to a guy, you are so closely associated, are you really that close? 

Thank you so much for your honest feedback.

When he introduced me to his friends - close friends, he would preface it - this person is very close to me - please treat him like family, make him like you - it is very important for us long term.  This was for several people.  

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Doesn't sound like it. 

calls, attention, trips, dinners, yachts, are all great. but the best things in life are free, mainly respect & love. I'd rather know where I stand with a guy in a one room flat, that flounder in self doubt in an ivory tower. 

It is my fault, communication wise - but I have been a bit intimidated by him. I hugely put him on a pedestal. But maybe he doesn't belong there.

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

Maybe you need to look at your own priorities and values. Get your head on straight about what you want and need from this guy or any guy for that matter. Be true to yourself.  If you feel like based on his actions he owes you exclusivity, then tell him that and be ready to walk if it comes down to that.  

You are absolutely correct.  I thought our values had aligned.  I thought he did owe me exclusivity. In his text to his friends (or yacht captain) - he referred to. me has his girlfriend.  Up to now I assumed I was and relationship was serious.

2 hours ago, Lambert said:

His actions say he is not serious. He may not change if he thinks you don't care. 

Relationships take two people working together.  That means communicating openly about your needs and wants. 

Its not just up to him. Its up to you, too. It sounds like you're really getting lead around in this situation. Is that good enough for you? 

It is not good enough, thank you for pointing it out.  I have difficult time with ..serious conversations. I just couldn't bring it up because of ..how do I say...I saw you were texting other women?  its a breach of privacy..and because of being referred to as a girlfriend..

..im in a complete mess, now I'm just trying to avoid the conversation...I never thought I'd be in a situation to have it. But clearly I'm being taken advantage of.

Thank you for pointing things out - hard to see when you're emotionally involved with someone.

 

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I would just be done. 

This whole arrangement is strange and sounds unfulfilling for you. He's got you filling some sort of "girlfriend" role in his life for appearances but doesn't actually see you as his true partner. That is especially true if he's got other women keeping him company. 

Personally, I would just say it's not working out, and walk away. He will know why. 

 

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10 hours ago, levie said:

I have access to his credit card  but I can see the charges.  And I have access to his house's cameras...because I'm part of his household.

What do you mean by "part of his household"? Are you working for him? 

How is it that you have access to his security system? 

Stop sleeping with him. It's that simple.

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25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you mean by "part of his household"?

I don't understand that either. 

OP, if you're actually part of his household, would you not have seen the women yourself when they came into the house? 

Being part of the household generally implies that you live there, but that does not seem to be the case for you. 

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You're confusing yourself. No, cooking for everyone is not "fair" unless you and he decided it was fair together as in "please come stay on my yacht - free of charge of course but if you don't mind doing the cooking that would be great so I don't have to hire someone to help with that".  Did you offer to chip in for food? If not why not with your fantastic salary?

Putting someone on a pedestal unless momentarily (I mean we all at times admire someone for a variety of reasons, we're in awe - but then it rebalances) - is not healthy especially given your focus on his yacht and his wealth.  

You're confusing yourself intentionally -instead of asking this person what his intentions are (no, not accusing -asking what his intentions are towards you) you're going on signs and smoke signals, fantasies, pedestals, assumptions because - let's face it -you like being pampered, you like basking in his glow, you like the outer trappings and a big part of you knows if you ask him that goes poof, disappears.

 

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6 hours ago, levie said:

 I have difficult time with ..serious conversations. I just couldn't bring it up because of ..how do I say...I saw you were texting other women?

Just like any other serious conversation. You find a good time to bring it up. When you are both relaxed and having a nice time together... 

And no, don't say you saw him texting other women.  

That will just start an argument. You start a conversation.  If you come right out like I saw you texting other women, he's going to get defensive. Within a conversation you could ask him about has he been taking/ dating/meeting other. See if he tells you the truth.

he doesn't know what you know.  so it's a good time to guage how he is.

but even with all this said/written, you seem to know he's gonna lie or not be exclusive.  Other than being super rich you've mentioned nothing of him that makes you care for him. 

6 hours ago, levie said:

I hugely put him on a pedestal. But maybe he doesn't belong there

This^ is a huge mistake. Any time you put someone ahead of you, you will regret it in the long run. it is human nature for people to become accustomed to this dynamic, and lose appreciation and respect for you.  

It's ok to be giving but only if the reciprocate. I used to think it was petty to keep score like that.  Well let me tell you,  it's not petty to care for yourself and your needs.  And that includes holding others accountable to how you are treated.

You don't have to beat a person over the head to prove a point. but you can pull back to show what they're missing without you. 

6 hours ago, levie said:

im in a complete mess, now I'm just trying to avoid the conversation...I never thought I'd be in a situation to have it. But clearly I'm being taken advantage of.

You should take a break from this guy.  Tell him you're spending your birthday with your family.  You will never regret a good time with your family over a disappointing time with a guy. 

Give it time for the clouds to clear. You'll know what is right when you get yourself together. 

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5 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I don't understand that either. 

OP, if you're actually part of his household, would you not have seen the women yourself when they came into the house? 

Being part of the household generally implies that you live there, but that does not seem to be the case for you. 

Google home has a concept of household. 

I stayed there for 2-3 weeks on 2-3 different occasions. I booked a hotel but he asked me to stay at his house instead.  And he asked me to look after the house when I stayed there. He added me to electronic systems. When I mentioned my parents might be coming - he said they could stay at the house as well.

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3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

You're confusing yourself. No, cooking for everyone is not "fair" unless you and he decided it was fair together as in "please come stay on my yacht - free of charge of course but if you don't mind doing the cooking that would be great so I don't have to hire someone to help with that".  Did you offer to chip in for food? If not why not with your fantastic salary?

I did offer and paid for some of the food. 

Thats what he did - he asked me to stay on his yacht as his guest, free of charge. When his cook quit he asked me to cook.

Its not the first time he asked me to stay on the yacht free of charge  - with the idea that I would be able to work on this trip  I couldn't. - to live on his yacht, I've declined previous times and after this trip.

3 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Putting someone on a pedestal unless momentarily (I mean we all at times admire someone for a variety of reasons, we're in awe - but then it rebalances) - is not healthy especially given your focus on his yacht and his wealth.  

You're confusing yourself intentionally -instead of asking this person what his intentions are (no, not accusing -asking what his intentions are towards you) you're going on signs and smoke signals, fantasies, pedestals, assumptions because - let's face it -you like being pampered, you like basking in his glow, you like the outer trappings and a big part of you knows if you ask him that goes poof, disappears.

 

 

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7 minutes ago, levie said:

And he asked me to look after the house when I stayed there. He added me to electronic systems. 

So you're a house-sitter? He's not your BF if you are one of his employees/flunkies. Well if he added you to house-sit you are abusing the access by spying.

Edited by Wiseman2
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1 hour ago, levie said:

Google home has a concept of household. 

I see. So in other words, you're not part of his household in its everyday meaning. Just in the Google Home sense of the word. 

That aside, this man clearly does not see you the same way you see him. It's time for you to move on. 

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40 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I see. So in other words, you're not part of his household in its everyday meaning. Just in the Google Home sense of the word. 

That aside, this man clearly does not see you the same way you see him. It's time for you to move on. 

If you have to resort to Google then you know the answer.  I agree!

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3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

So you're a house-sitter? He's not your BF if you are one of his employees/flunkies. Well if he added you to house-sit you are abusing the access by spying.

I am more than a house sitter, I spent 3 months with him living together from morning til night. Taking care of his burned hand, making breakfast, tea, trying to fix his relationship with his staff (he has a difficult character).

I've been more like a wife than a girlfriend to be quite honest.

But unless he gives me the proper respect - I do not see this moving forward, thank you.

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You are like a "girl Friday" for this man.  Very useful in many ways.   It's not going anywhere you'd want.

I looked over your posting history.  You seem to invest very heavily in situations that are obviously not going to work from the very first two dates.  There are layers of complications - other girlfriends, drinking, super convoluted travel schedules and geographical barriers,  blatant lack of interest.  

Seriously, it has to take some conscious effort to keep finding men who are not going to be in a traditional relationship with you.  

Why don't you look over your posting history, too?  You will see patterns. 

If you actually do want to be in a relationship, you will need to learn how to spend your time with men who are relationship prospects for you.  It might be a good idea to get some kind of therapy to help you gain understanding about why you keep setting yourself up like this.

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Questions:  Are you an employee of this man?   On salary?  Or a private contractor?  Also, did you have a job when you first started dating, or did you become employed and then morphed into a casual sex type of thing while you were on the job?  

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