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Don’t know what his intentions are and i am afraid of becoming just a fling.


Alana1609
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I started talking with a guy on December. At first, i was not expecting a lot since i just ended a relationship in November. He lives about 1 hour and half away from my city so at first we were just chatting and watching tv shows from a distance. He was very sweet, texting all the time, saying he was excited to meet me and even joking about marriage, living together and that.

He came to my city on January and we just clicked so much. We spend the  whole afternoon together, we kissed and i ended up going home alone since he told me that he didn't want to give me the impression that he was just looking for sex.

What confuses me is that sometimes he gives me the impression that he is too sexual with his comments but he also has this sweet side, asking me about my day, how i slept or telling me that he wants to get to know me a lot more.

Last week he was jealous about me hanging out with a male friend and then the other day he was at a party and he drunk texted me asking me if i want him because he gets worried.

I don't know what should i do because he says that he is not looking only for sex and i am planning to visit him at his city next week. What is some advice, just go along and see what happens ?

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1 hour ago, Alana1609 said:

I started talking with a guy on December. At first, i was not expecting a lot since i just ended a relationship in November. He lives about 1 hour and half away from my city so at first we were just chatting and watching tv shows from a distance. He was very sweet, texting all the time, saying he was excited to meet me and even joking about marriage, living together and that.

1) He'll be long distance.

2) You just ended a relationship in November.

3) Him joking.. about marriage, living together etc.. Already? ( when you've only been talking since December)

4) Him showing jealousy over you hanging with a male friend.

 

Do YOU think any of this sounds promising?  

Are you truly over your last relationship now?

Have you even met him yet? How much do you know about his past?  Has he been single a good while, not just out of something long term, etc?

IMO, yes, he may just expect sex with you if you're going there to see him.

I'd seriously think twice with this one.. so far, I don't see someone like this too promising for you.

 

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Eh, I would be careful here. 

Red flag with the "jokes" about marriage and whatnot. Red flag with being jealous over a male friend. 

This man is still a stranger to you. It's been one date. Digital communication cannot replace in-person quality time, so be cautious not to get wrapped up in false intimacy. 

If you are planning to spend the night this weekend, don't do so at his house. Book alternate accommodation. If he's a gentleman, he will understand that sleepovers with a stranger in his home are not wise for a woman. 

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8 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Eh, I would be careful here. 

Red flag with the "jokes" about marriage and whatnot. Red flag with being jealous over a male friend. 

This man is still a stranger to you. It's been one date. Digital communication cannot replace in-person quality time, so be cautious not to get wrapped up in false intimacy. 

If you are planning to spend the night this weekend, don't do so at his house. Book alternate accommodation. If he's a gentleman, he will understand that sleepovers with a stranger in his home are not wise for a woman. 

Yes! i am trying to be careful  but i don't know. I was planning to stay with him, he told me that it was up to me but now i am not so sure because i do want to have sex with him but i also want more. 

I really hate this situation now 😞 haha. I just want to see him again.

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It's up to you, but I would book a hotel or Air B&B. 

You've been chatting a lot but you don't know this guy on any significant level. For me, it would just be a matter of prioritzing my own safety. 

Second-date sleepovers in a city that isn't mine with a man I have been on one date with? No-go, for me. 

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2 hours ago, Alana1609 said:

He lives about 1 hour and half away 

He came to my city on January  and i ended up going home alone 

 he drunk texted me asking me if i want him because he gets worried.

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately you're on the rebound. Are you still talking to your ex?

Whenever someone contacts you from this type of distance, there will be issues. You only met one time so far? Is he married/involved with someone?

So far he's not offering much. BS future talk, drunk dialing and sexting?

Decide for yourself what you want in a relationship. Don't grab on to just anyone because you're lonely or recovering from a breakup.

He seems like garbage material so far. Don't be surprised if he cancels your visit.

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Saying that you don't want to be a fling is not going to protect you from being a fling. You have to take actual steps to prevent it. 

I think this is a bad situation for you. It's easy to be charming and awesome a couple of months in.

The distance and the sleepovers should be making you pump the brakes hard.

The jealous comments should make you take a step back.

And even the sex talk this early in has made you concerned.

There is no such thing as "trying to be careful." You either do it or you don't do it. Closing your eyes and hoping for the best is not trying.

You are setting yourself up to be a fling by travelling so far that you have to sleep over. 

4 hours ago, Alana1609 said:

I really hate this situation now 😞 haha.

Why? What's the big deal about taking a step back?

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6 hours ago, Alana1609 said:

Yes! i am trying to be careful  but i don't know. I was planning to stay with him, he told me that it was up to me but now i am not so sure because i do want to have sex with him but i also want more. 

I really hate this situation now 😞 haha. I just want to see him again.

If you want to see him again plan a date in public.  Then go home -1.5 hour trip means a day trip.  Plan a fun day or evening together with no alcohol or at least not enough even to get buzzed. Kiss, hold hands, cuddle -in public or not at one of your homes.    It's not a good look for either of you to be negative as in "is this just about sex" - not a healthy way to start anything with potential beyond casual dating/hanging out.

How often does he get drunk with his friends?  Also I'd use I statements about the sex comments "I feel uncomfortable when you refer to___" and see how he reacts.

 

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Staying at his place likely = sex.

If you have sex with him but he doesn't ask you to be in an exclusive relationship will you feel hurt, disappointed or "used"?

I agree with booking your own accommodation and don't invite him to stay overnight with you. He is essentially a stranger despite any electronic communication or extreme comments he has made. Keep yourself physically and emotionally safe.

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Don't forget, you are in control of your part in this.  

Aside from the sex situation, he appears to be attempting to lock you down in different areas.  Add in the distance logistics and the challenges that creates, could he be wanting sex in order to secure this further?

These are all good questions.  But if you aren't sure, you make decisions accordingly.  Until you know better you do the drive home.  Yes, it's not convenient, but you considered the distance and its obstacles when you first started talking to him. (right?) If it's worth it in the end, the inconvenience is temporary and worthwhile.  Giving this some more time will likely uncover his intentions.

Ask yourself, if he lived around the corner how would you handle this?  Would you go home or stay the night on a second date?

Something else to think about.  Are you compatible with someone who has issues with you spending time with male friends?

Edited by reinventmyself
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I think your judgment is off. Maybe because you are recently out of another relationship. you may be transferring love and trust you had for your ex to this new guy. 

I would NOT stay at his house.  I would definitely have my own place to stay and an exit strategy.

Actually, No. I would not. I wouldn't travel to him.  Long distance with a guy met on line, is not something I would be comfortable doing. Too many unknown factors and inability to verify anything prior. You have no idea what you are being lured into. 

Find a guy in your own town. That you can meet many times without having to make over night arrangements.  

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Meet midway , , problem solved

. . add in, I dated 2 different men about the same distance (that turned into long term relationships) 

We alternated the chore of driving, and I didn't have sex until I knew I was ready and had a good handle on who they were and what their intentions were.   I navigated it no different than if they lived next door.

Neither worked out for a variety of reasons, distance being one on the biggest ones.   People make it work all the time.  I learned that it doesn't work for me.

Edited by reinventmyself
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I made long distance work.  But we knew each other and had dated in the past and knew we were on the same wavelength.

I had many sleepovers with men I dated without having sex and with zero issues.  How? I waited until we'd gone out several times and were serious minded even if not yet exclusive.  I had a direct, no apologies, positive discussion before the sleepover : "I'm looking forward to having you over for dinner.  And I'm not ready to have sex with you yet." 99.9% of the time under those conditions it was fine and so much fun. Yes often we were sexual.  We didn't have intercourse.  A few times there was pressure.  A few out of many.  That was uncomfortable. That ultimately didn't work for me.  But I was direct and concise about it -didn't reference fears of being "used" or negative attitudes about men or backstories.

In your situation -nope.  He's basically a stranger, he's making sexual comments, etc. It's better to date locally so this issue is going to come up less and/or if you can stay with a friend close to where he lives, etc.  

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13 hours ago, Alana1609 said:

. . . he didn't want to give me the impression that he was just looking for sex.

I don't know what should i do because he says that he is not looking only for sex and i am planning to visit him at his city next week. 

He IS just looking for sex or he wouldn't feel the need to try and convince you otherwise.

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Members

 6

"Posted February 9

Hiii,

I have been talking with this 27 years old guy for like 2 months. He was super sweet and i don´t know. I just got out of a bad relationship and i started to like him. We have a lot in common.

At some point he asked me if i wanted to have kids and i though it was normal. I told him that yes, on the future and he said the also wanted to have them at some point.

He always make jokes about marriage or living together but i know he is not serious.

But yesterday we were texting and i told him that i stopped taking the birth control some weeks ago because of some secondary effects and he said "is because you want to have my babies"?

We have not even had sex yet and i have not replied. Is this odd? I never had a guy telling me something like that."

 

Same person?

Did you not like the replies you got in that post? 

In fact you got some great advice where people already told you not to meet him at his hotel, to keep it an actual date in public, to go slow, etc.

Is there a reason why you keep asking the same question under different accounts?

Edited by SherrySher
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3 minutes ago, SherrySher said:

Members

 6

"Posted February 9

Hiii,

I have been talking with this 27 years old guy for like 2 months. He was super sweet and i don´t know. I just got out of a bad relationship and i started to like him. We have a lot in common.

At some point he asked me if i wanted to have kids and i though it was normal. I told him that yes, on the future and he said the also wanted to have them at some point.

He always make jokes about marriage or living together but i know he is not serious.

But yesterday we were texting and i told him that i stopped taking the birth control some weeks ago because of some secondary effects and he said "is because you want to have my babies"?

We have not even had sex yet and i have not replied. Is this odd? I never had a guy telling me something like that."

 

Same person?

Did you not like the replies you got in that post? 

In fact you got some great advice where people already told you not to meet him at his hotel, to keep it an actual date in public, to go slow, etc.

Is there a reason why you keep asking the same question under different accounts?

Oh, is this the guy who wanted you to sext after the first date?

Yeah, he thinks if he says certain things you'll leap into bed with him. He easily got you to agree to a second date at his home, so he thinks you're a "sure thing", sex wise.

If you don't want casual sex then don't. Tell him an overnight stay is not a date. If he wants to see you he can meet up with you in a public place. If he says no, you'll have your answer.

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