Lazy boyfriend?

[Molly0]

4 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

So you're consistently choosing to have relationships with men who cause you anxiety, who cause you to doubt yourself, who cause you to feel insecure and scared and "sick".

Why do you think that is?

Why did you not have a "say"?  Someone treats you poorly, you leave them.  No, you can't turn off your emotions on a dime but you surely don't have to stay in relationships where you're not being treated as an equal partner or where you're not being treated with respect.

Do you have some kind of fear of being "alone"?  If so, what exactly are you afraid of?

The 2 people I have been with in the past cheated on me, told me and left so there wasn't a discussion or any closure. This is the first time I've had a choice? I don't know if I'm wording that properly. I don't have a fear of being alone, I'm just a very sensitive, emotional person. I've seen how breakups have effected me before and I'm scared to do that again. 

[Molly0]

3 minutes ago, mical said:

To be honest he’s made it this far in life and has a steady job, he will be fine.

Is he skipping work and about to be demoted or fired because he has an out of control addiction and can’t handle his professional requirements?

Probably not.

I wouldn’t berate him. He can pay his own bills, seems to have a decent job, I’d focus on other things.

Unless he is doing something bad directly to you, I wouldn’t worry about his character.

He was like this when you met him, so why now an issue all of a sudden? Maybe you just aren’t into him.

He doesn't like his job but he won't look for a new one, I've offered to help and he always says yes but never does it so I didn't ask again. He looks after himself but if we were to move out, I don't think he'd be able to help me with bills etc. He has no bills to pay for. He pays for weed, bus money and subscriptions (netflix, xbox stuff) he doesn't pay rent or anything which is why I don't understand where all his money goes. That's why it's an issue, because I have a lower paying job so realistically I wouldn't be able to pay for both of us to live somewhere. That's why up until now, it hasn't been an issue. 

[reinventmyself]

1 minute ago, Molly0 said:

The 2 people I have been with in the past cheated on me, told me and left so there wasn't a discussion or any closure. This is the first time I've had a choice? I don't know if I'm wording that properly. I don't have a fear of being alone, I'm just a very sensitive, emotional person. I've seen how breakups have effected me before and I'm scared to do that again. 

Then you learn to get better at standing up for yourself.   I get it isn't easy but staying in a bad relationship out fear doesn't teach you anything.  Best lessons are often difficult ones.

Or. . .you stay long enough for things to really start stinking and not only do you further endure the toxicity of that, it leaves you further beaten down. And then . .  you have to walk away anyway.

[Molly0]

2 minutes ago, reinventmyself said:

Then you learn to get better at standing up for yourself.   I get it isn't easy but staying in a bad relationship out fear doesn't teach you anything.  Best lessons are often difficult ones.

Or. . .you stay long enough for things to really start stinking and not only do you further endure the toxicity of that, it leaves you further beaten down. And then . .  you have to walk away anyway.

This is a message for everyone.

I think I'm going to take the advise I've been given, stop doing what I'm doing and leave him too it. See how things go over the next month and then make my decision. I don't want to leave him because he means a lot to me but I don't want him to change, I just want him to take me/this relationship a bit more seriously. I don't think thats too much to ask? I'm logging off as this is quite overwhelming but thank you to everyone for helping me, I wouldn't have been able to do this without you all. Lots of love🖤

[reinventmyself]

moving in together or getting married is very much like running a business.  When you set all the warm fuzzy feelings aside, is this someone you would want to go into business with?

Can you trust him to be an equal partner and keep his word?

[melancholy123]

1 hour ago, Molly0 said:

He has a job and I now know how much he earns so I literally don't understand where it all goes? He makes more than me, doesn't pay for tax/insurance on a car like I do so how is it he runs out so fast?? I don't want to do any of these things but it's become normal now, I don't even think about it anymore. I don't know what my options are, I feel like this is all my fault and I don't know what to do 

You NEED to think about it!  Take the blinders off.  He's smoking and drinking his money!  Maybe he's gambling it, or spending it on his friends in the bar.

Your main option is to tell Freddy the Freeloader goodbye! There is NO OTHER OPTION!

[mical]

1 hour ago, melancholy123 said:

 

Your main option is to tell Freddy the Freeloader goodbye! There is NO OTHER OPTION!

He’s not freeloading from her. They don’t even live together.

She is just worried he doesn’t save his money as much as she would like which is causing worry if they “were” to move in together which hasn’t happened.

This is just about thinking - how can a guy not paying rent earning more money without a car payment not have XYZ in the bank.

But they don’t live together. Maybe he does have assets. Don’t forget there are other expenses such as clothing, entertainment, paying for dates, travel, education, which can also take up a salary, but if it’s his money I’d say he is entitled to spend as wishes while not married or living together…

It will be fine, maybe just needs to read the book Rich Dad Poor Dad to learn about budgeting, but that’s easy.. 

With my last partner we lived together and I didn’t care one bit how she spent her hard earned money. She wants to go to Spain on a girls trip? Sure. Buy a nice dress? Why not. At the end of the day, she also didn’t have such great savings but she was a sweet caring lovely woman that always brightened my day - and that was priceless 🙂

I think he’ll be fine, just maybe should learn how to budget a bit more but hey we are all learning and improving.

I also think OP is very caring and thoughtful. I think it’s normal to think these things… 

 

[boltnrun]

Molly, you are a kind, giving woman.  But you're selling yourself short by attaching yourself to cheaters and men who don't value you or your relationship the way a loving partner would.

I'm glad you've decided to stop with the chauffeur service, the appointment making, the chore-doing and that you won't keep covering the bill when you two go out.  He has an opportunity to show that he values you for YOU, not for what you do for him.  I sincerely hope he steps up.  I equally sincerely hope that if he chooses not to (or if he starts berating you for not doing everything you used to do or worse, accuses you of "not loving" him), you have the strength to see the reality of the situation and leave him.

[MissCanuck]

2 hours ago, Molly0 said:

I want to move out soon and take the next few steps in life and I know he's not at that stage yet. Or he is, maybe just not with me?

The man won't even book a dentist appointment, for heaven's sake. 

That has zero to do with relationship status. He's got other issues that run far deeper than being hesitant to make a bigger commitment to a relationship.

[mical]

Does he have any good qualities?

 

 

[greendots]

Molly, two quick questions: What's the life you envision for yourself? Is your boyfriend's current lifestyle compatible with what you desire?

[Bothered2021]

I feel like you said you talked about this with him several times, BUT how did you talk? Passive aggressive comments? Or did you make him fully understand this is a deal breaker?

you have dealt with his shortcomings and you can do so forever I suppose. But most likely you will get sick of it and love won’t be enough to stick with him.

I don’t think he’s a lost cause if you make your stance clear and find a way to establish boundaries. You can’t make him grow or change but you can encourage it. 

[smackie9]

Sounds like you date fixer uppers. Your picker is off....you need to think about yourself, and not feel selfish about it. 

[catfeeder]

When you get tired enough of taking care of your man-baby, you'll solve the problem.

Until then, decide how well complaining while taking on his responsibilities has worked for you, then make a better decision. 

Consider that you'll never get any wasted time back to relive over again.

Decide what you want your future to look like, focus on that, and take your SELF there.

[LootieTootie]

Molly, I hope you left this deadbeat. You're so much better and when you love, I can tell you love with all your heart.

But you gotta learn to love yourself first in order to know you aren't going to waste time on guys who don't value you and love you enough to want to progress.

Don't settle for this bum who can't even give you a straight answer where his money go. You got your whole life ahead of you to be stuck with this sad man and his sad life.

[mylolita]

On 1/30/2022 at 10:12 AM, MissCanuck said:

This isn't caring, though. 

It's enabling a nearly-30-year old ManBaby. Are you hoping he will value you more if you behave like this? That's often where this sort of dynamic stems from, as if the one doing the enabling is trying to prove their love. 

ManBaby 😂😂😂

 

Sorry, cool line 🤣🤣🤣

 

x 

[mylolita]

On 1/30/2022 at 8:18 PM, MissCanuck said:

The man won't even book a dentist appointment, for heaven's sake. 

That has zero to do with relationship status. He's got other issues that run far deeper than being hesitant to make a bigger commitment to a relationship.

I don’t book dentist appointments though so maybe he’s an alright boyo give the laddie a chance! 🤣

 

No OP, jokes aside the advice you have been given some good advice, but as Mical has mentioned, when you are not living together finances are different.

 

Is it worth working on? Not sure, only you can decide that for yourself, but people don’t tend to change and it would be a grave mistake to take someone on thinking “this is okay and that is not good but I’ll work on the bad things THEN they will be right” - never happens! 
 

x

[mylolita]

Sorry OP just this thread has tickled me, the way all the posts start with “Molly…” “Molly!” “LOOK, Molly!” 
 

😂

[mylolita]

Coming from this at a different angle, as an experienced spend-a-holic throw caution to the wind don’t know how I have managed to even organise anything or survive up to the point of being 32,  maybe we should cut this video game playin’ no ride spender a break?! 
 

🥲🤣

[Cherylyn]

Do you prefer to be his girlfriend or his mother?   You decide.  The choice is yours.