Lazy boyfriend?

[Molly0]

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years. He mentioned moving in together and said we should look at places. So we started saving and I've now found it he never started saving and he spent all his money. He's never been taught money management and he know wants to wait until he's in the right head space to save. He's mentally lazy with a lot of things, I have to book his appointments (dentists etc) otherwise he won't do it. He doesn't drive so I'm his taxi, he was supposed to book lessons but he never did. It's driving me crazy because I love him to bits and I don't know what to do next. I've spoken to him many times and he always says he'll work on it. Please help, what can I do?

[gamon]

Stop enabling.

He's a big boy now.

 

[Lambert]

you don't have a boyfriend. you have a child. 

he's not going to change until you set some boundaries.  Things like: 

It doesn't feel good to me to have to book your appointments and drive you around. Until you start lessons I'm not driving you anymore and I'm not making anymore of your appointments.

I really think you need to reconsider your level of commitment in this relationship.  

People need to act like adults and take responsibility for their own life.  You need a partner not a project. 

He doesn't change because you accept his behavior and his excuses.  put your foot down.  if he doesn't change, you're better off moving on than waiting around.

Always remember your life is now. not what it could be. it's now. what's happening now.

[smackie9]

Ever hear of Peter Pan syndrome? They never grow up. Your love isn’t going to change him. Sad reality, he’s not worthy of it. 

[Batya33]

He's not lazy, he's smart.  You do it all for him so why should he?  It doesn't matter if he was "taught" money management.  People who want to act in a responsible way figure out how to do that.  I think he spent his money because he felt like it.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  Acting in a responsible, reliable way doesn't please him.  Thing is you knew this so why did you think he'd suddenly keep his promise to save money to move out?  Please don't share living space with him unless you want to be on the hook for all the bills.

[boltnrun]

Batya is exactly right.  Why should he do anything when he has his second mommy (you) to do everything for him?

Let me guess, you love him because he's just the sweetest guy!! Well, he can certainly afford to be sweet because he has no responsibilities.  If I didn't have to work, pay bills or clean my home I'd be sweet as sugar all the time too.

[Andrina]

Having childlike traits, seeing wonder in the world, is a good thing. 

Being childish is totally different and not good. He is certainly listed in that category. Adults are financially responsible and responsible in all the other areas that are vital for a successful life.

Metaphorically, you keep sticking a DVD in the player, expecting to watch a beautiful movie, but you get nothing but a blank screen. Stop trying. It's not happening. What you see is what you get. 

Love isn't enough. You have to have standards. He's showing you who he is, so believe him. You keep going as you are, end up married with kids, and guess what? He'll run out of gas when it's his turn to pick up the kids. He won't be able to get to work because his car died because he spent money on nonsense, and so he's fired. Nobody needs a crystal ball to see your future with him in it. It's a new year. Time for new beginnings.

[gamon]

14 minutes ago, Andrina said:

He'll run out of gas when it's his turn to pick up the kids. He won't be able to get to work because his car died

That's impossible.

[melancholy123]

Dear Mommy, you are an enabler.  Unless and until you stop this, this lout is not going to change, because why should he?  Why buy a cow when you can get milk for free?  You are gibing him a free ride and you need to stop it.

He could sort out his issues if he wanted to but he has no incentive.  Wake up, Mommy!

[Cherylyn]

What should you do?

Dump him!

[WildPump]

You obviously love him and care for him. If you don't push him or set some boundries, he will not understand it. 

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, Molly0 said:

I've spoken to him many times and he always says he'll work on it. Please help, what can I do?

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?

Nagging won't help especially when you are enabling by acting like his mother.

Do not move in together. You'll end up needing 2 jobs and changing his diapers.

You have a parent-child relationship, not a partnership.

Reflect why you are controlling someone this resistant to adult behavior.

[Rose Mosse]

8 hours ago, Molly0 said:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years. He mentioned moving in together and said we should look at places. So we started saving and I've now found it he never started saving and he spent all his money. He's never been taught money management and he know wants to wait until he's in the right head space to save. He's mentally lazy with a lot of things, I have to book his appointments (dentists etc) otherwise he won't do it. He doesn't drive so I'm his taxi, he was supposed to book lessons but he never did. It's driving me crazy because I love him to bits and I don't know what to do next. I've spoken to him many times and he always says he'll work on it. Please help, what can I do?

There’s very little you can do except to stop doing what you’re doing right now. He will see you pull away and have to learn to do these things on his own. I suggest you move on at this point. 

He’s taking advantage of the situation. People like this have low empathy and no sense of responsibility or integrity and consideration for their loved ones or others. He said he was one thing but he was really something else so he’s lied to you too. I’m sorry you knew him. Move on. 

[MissCanuck]

Stop being his Mommy. 

I would personally find it impossible to be attracted to a grown man who behaves like this. Give me a guy who can handle his business and take care of himself. Give me a man who I know I can rely on to be a capable partner and take the reigns when needed, who confidently and maturely does life. That is sexy. 

Not an overgrown 14-year-old. 

[Molly0]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. How old is he?

Nagging won't help especially when you are enabling by acting like his mother.

Do not move in together. You'll end up needing 2 jobs and changing his diapers.

You have a parent-child relationship, not a partnership.

Reflect why you are controlling someone this resistant to adult behavior.

I am 22, he is 29. I know Im stupid for doing things for him but it's in my nature to care for people and I didn't realise how much I was doing until I thought about it properly

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Molly0 said:

I am 22, he is 29. I know Im stupid for doing things for him but it's in my nature to care for people 

Unfortunately his license/car is none of your business. How he spends saves or manages his money is also none of your business.

You're very controlling and trying to fix and change him into what you want. That's your agenda, not "caring".

Let him live wherever he wants to, manage his money his own way and take cabs or public transportation.

He's just being who he is when you met him. You're trying to turn him into what you want.

You'll need to find your own place without being in his face about how he "should" be.

You're driving this mess by chauffeuring him around, nagging and resenting his resistance to you.

[MissCanuck]

1 hour ago, Molly0 said:

I am 22, he is 29. I know Im stupid for doing things for him but it's in my nature to care for people 

This isn't caring, though. 

It's enabling a nearly-30-year old ManBaby. Are you hoping he will value you more if you behave like this? That's often where this sort of dynamic stems from, as if the one doing the enabling is trying to prove their love. 

[Molly0]

9 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

This isn't caring, though. 

It's enabling a nearly-30-year old ManBaby. Are you hoping he will value you more if you behave like this? That's often where this sort of dynamic stems from, as if the one doing the enabling is trying to prove their love. 

I'm trying to help. He's been in pain with his teeth every since I met him and he was so anxious to phone and make an appointment so I left it for 2 years. And then it got to the point where he couldn't even eat so I took it apon myself to book and take him to get them sorted. He has a car and he'd done his theory test before I even met him so he wants to do it, he just hasn't taken the next step to do his test. He's told me all the things he wants to do, he just won't do it. He told me he's too comfortable and needs a push but I'm done pushing

[Molly0]

28 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately his license/car is none of your business. How he spends saves or manages his money is also none of your business.

You're very controlling and trying to fix and change him into what you want. That's your agenda, not "caring".

Let him live wherever he wants to, manage his money his own way and take cabs or public transportation.

He's just being who he is when you met him. You're trying to turn him into what you want.

You'll need to find your own place without being in his face about how he "should" be.

You're driving this mess by chauffeuring him around, nagging and resenting his resistance to you.

I'm not trying to fix or change anything. All of these things were his decision. He said he wanted to move in together, he said he wanted to do his driving test, he said we should save money. So I've been doing all this thinking he was too but he's not. And now I'm at the point, where I'm ready to take the next step and he is not. I respect that he's not and I've said I don't want to rush him. I'm happy to stay as we are if he compromises a little. I don't think its controlling to ask him to do his driving test or get the bus to see me every once in a while. Driving 40 minutes too and from every weekend in my little car, is expensive. I do it because I want to see him, I thought he would do it because he wanted to see me. But I suppose not 

[Molly0]

11 hours ago, Batya33 said:

He's not lazy, he's smart.  You do it all for him so why should he?  It doesn't matter if he was "taught" money management.  People who want to act in a responsible way figure out how to do that.  I think he spent his money because he felt like it.  People move towards pleasure and away from pain.  Acting in a responsible, reliable way doesn't please him.  Thing is you knew this so why did you think he'd suddenly keep his promise to save money to move out?  Please don't share living space with him unless you want to be on the hook for all the bills.

We've never really spoken about money before, we decided at the start that what we do with our money is our business and the other person doesn't need to know. Its my fault because i thought that was the right thing to do so I never knew what he was like with money. But the last few months, he's had to ask me for money to get to work because he has non left. (I said no and he asked his parents) I've found out we are so different when it comes to money, I save and never let my bank go below a certain amount, he earns more than me but still manages to end up with minus amounts in his bank. I don't care what he spends his money on but when he said we should save, I kind of expected him too as it was his idea? We wouldn't even need a lot, to save for a deposit in our area for a flat is about £700 so only around £350 each. I've been working extra hours to try, to then find out he hasn't even bothered, which was a bit upsetting 

[Molly0]

12 hours ago, Molly0 said:

Me and my boyfriend have been together 2 years. He mentioned moving in together and said we should look at places. So we started saving and I've now found it he never started saving and he spent all his money. He's never been taught money management and he know wants to wait until he's in the right head space to save. He's mentally lazy with a lot of things, I have to book his appointments (dentists etc) otherwise he won't do it. He doesn't drive so I'm his taxi, he was supposed to book lessons but he never did. It's driving me crazy because I love him to bits and I don't know what to do next. I've spoken to him many times and he always says he'll work on it. Please help, what can I do?

Thank you to everyone who replied, I don't have many people to talk to so this helped a lot. I'm going to talk to my boyfriend tonight and see where we go from here. I'm going to tell him everything that has been said and see how he feels. Keep the advise coming if you want too, I definitely need it. I've never been in a serious relationship before (he has) so all the moving in stuff is very new to me, maybe I've been overthinking the whole thing and making a bit deal out of nothing? I am known for being a stress head and he is known for not stressing at all. Thank you again, this has made me look at everything very different, including myself. 

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

 it got to the point where he couldn't even eat so I took it apon myself to book . He's told me all the things he wants to do, he just won't do it.

Just stop. Stop the mothering and controlling behaviors. He will eventually resent you. 

If he has mental and physical health issues, you need to stop forcing everything.

It's arrogant to make him your project. He has friends family a phone,etc.

Does he have alcohol or drug problems? Why are his teeth rotting away and why can't he get a driver's license? Is his money spent on drugs or alcohol?

There's a lot you don't know about him.

 

[Molly0]

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just stop. Stop the mothering and controlling behaviors. He will eventually resent you. 

If he has mental and physical health issues, you need to stop forcing everything.

It's arrogant to make him your project. He has friends family a phone,etc.

Does he have alcohol or drug problems? Why are his teeth rotting away and why can't he get a driver's license? Is his money spent on drugs or alcohol?

There's a lot you don't know about him.

 

Yes he smokes weed which definitely affects his mental health which I know about. I didn't want him to be in pain and honestly I was fed up of him moaning and not doing anything about it. His mum told me to book it for him because he won't so I did. He has passed his theory test and has a car but can't spend the money on the actual test because he doesn't have any. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Molly0 said:

Yes he smokes weed which definitely affects his mental health . His mum told me to book it for him because he won't so I did. 

Ok he's an unmotivated pothead. His mother should not be collaborating with you on how to enable his weed addiction.

Your life is ahead of you and you're wasting it away trying to turn trash into treasure.

[Batya33]

6 hours ago, WildPump said:

You obviously love him and care for him. If you don't push him or set some boundries, he will not understand it. 

She should set her own boundaries and act accordingly- she can control herself and her reactions only, not her partner's.  Not her role to push him because even if she is "successful" it will be short lived and -wow-what a turn off to know your romantic partner paid his own bills because you "pushed him" into doing it.